…And that concludes our Wizard World Comic Con adventures in Philadelphia…for this year. And for more from Charles “Charlie Lightning” Lecki, visit his TUMBLR and listen to us every week on SUPER DUDES POWER SHOW: The Podcast.
Tag Archives: zombie
As we’re all aware, pleasuring one another is an absolute nightmare: the exercise, the performance anxiety, and the mess–my god–the mess! If the rest of the American people are just as fat and lazy as I (and I think they are) they would be doing everything in their power to avoid sexual or intimate human interaction, too.
If you’re either a regular poster on 4Chan or just a run-of-the-mill sexually inept and potentially dangerous psychopath, you no doubt already own a Fleshlight. If you’ve never heard of a Fleshlight (come on!), it’s essentially a flashlight wit a soft rubbery center that you can fuck. The Fleshlight is an excellent substitute, not only for a real and functioning vagina, but also for a when a real and functioning hand is just too much darn exercise.
The Fleshlight company, responsible for inventing these miracle faux puss and ass toys have done it again, doing a little big of good ol’ fashioned (no pun intended!) market research. Evidently, their findings were that realistic genitalia just wasn’t working anymore. Not even the signature series featuring porn star-approved privates could capture the hearts and minds of the sexually bewildered. So what comes next?
If you said supernatural romance, you most likely already own one…
The Freaks collection is an innovation unlike any other. Originally, the Fleshlight was just a featureless masturbating sock that felt similar to real skin. Now, they’re all decked out in semi-realistic detail and weird interior pattern designs to slightly mimic the sensation of not putting your dick in a plastic toy. There are five new and equally baffling designs for their Halloween(?) Freaks set: Zombie, Alien, Frankenstein, Drac (I’m curious why they could use “Frankenstein” but not “Dracula”), and Cyborg. For each character, Fleshlight made one of their flagship products and a matching dildo. Let’s take a look!
Possibly the most disturbing of the collection is the Zombie, for reasons that should be obvious. You can visit the website to hear information about the product in detail, but we’re just going to focus on the clear fact that the Zombie cock and vagina unit seem to be nothing more than practice for fucking a dead body. It looks the same, it’s nearly as cold, hollow, and terrifying, and it will inevitably be an event in your life that you will never discuss with anyone you know.
Two things of which you should take note in this product: This, the Alien combo features an obvious Avatar connection, and you may not be able to tell from the angle of the dildo, but the penis is almost an oval-shape, resembling two penises fused together. Regardless of the fact that everyone knows the citizens of Pandora use their tails for sexual intercourse (a nerd’s wet dream, mimicked, as you can see, by the interior of the Fleshlight itself), I can’t imagine where the market is for something like this. A collector’s item? A toy for experimental roleplay?
If you visit Fleshlight.com, you can watch videos of the Fleshlight in action…oh yes. Most of these videos feature the Fleshlight being used during sex, as either a fun bedroom toy, or as a safe-sex alternative to the good stuff. I get what they expect the consumer to believe, but the sad reality is that the people who are ordering this product aren’t future porn stars looking to spice up the action in the bedroom, they’re strange, frustrated shut-ins who have to furiously masturbate into a plastic tube because they already ruined all of their socks, then clean everything up faster than the old lady from Requiem For a Dream before Mom gets home.
The Frankenstein model is a bit baffling; and not because any literature major will forcefully remind you that “Frankenstein” was the creator, not the Monster. The Frankenstein dick is understandably more “monstrous” than say, Dracula’s (just sayin’) with nuts and bolts all over the nuts and bolts. I don’t recall Frankenstein having a labia, but why not? You can always pretend you’re fucking Sally from The Nightmare Before Christmas. The interior of the device seems slightly uncomfortable. About as uncomfortable, I’d imagine, as pounding away at a creature concocted from random, stitched together dead bodies. Still, seems a lot more comfortable than Jenna Haze’s “MAZE.”
I’m not exactly sure how a Vampire’s anatomy would stray too far from a normal human’s, but let’s disregard that. The bat-winged, vagina-dentata, fanged interior simply creeps me the fuck out, but I’m sure it has its audience. However, as we’ve learned from Twilight, True Blood, and the rest of our sexually tantalizing Vampire chronicles, Vampires have become a concept that really tends to appeal more to women. It’s the brooding darkness that attracts the delicate weirdo in every chick (young and old). And it’s for that reason, I believe the dildo would probably be vastly more popular. But, again, why buy a bright red exotic dog dick when you could just call the vibrator you already own “Edward?”
If I’m going to put my vulnerable parts in a machine, I’m not really expecting it to be soft. For the sake of argument, let’s assume it’s some kind of bio/machine sentient being built only for love. We’d have to assume that. The only other alternative is that you’re raping a machine night after night which will eventually become self aware, tear off your dick, and rip your spinal chord out through the top of your skull.
I’m a big fan of Zombie movies. In the swarm of zombie-related cinema, the social messages are often lost and the true intentions (of the better Zombie films) go unrealized. A handful of movies featuring the undead will go down in history as some of the greatest horror films ever made, but if we’re being honest with ourselves, most Zombie movies are outright terrible.
So, why do we celebrate this genre so much? Why do we put these movie monsters up on a pedestal and scoff at the Vampire lovers, or the Werewolf fanatics like they’re a bunch of ignorant children? If it’s about the Twilight series or the slow degradation of the True Blood franchise, I’d understand, but True Blood fans and Zombie fans are typically in the same niche.
What is it about Zombies that is so fascinating? Why do they capture the imagination so much that intelligent adults actually develop strategies and survival tactics for a coming Zombie Apocalypse? Is there a part of our brains that actually–no matter how fervently we deny it–believes that these fictional flesh-eaters may actually exist somewhere/someday?
Zombies, my friends, may be the absolute nuttiest, waste of time religion out there today. It may not be harmful, but it sure makes normal people act batshit crazy. And I’m going to prove it.
The Super Secure Zombie-Proof Safe House
The style and quiet sophistication of this giant concrete slab are actually quite impressive. If I didn’t feel like one technical malfunction would potentially leave me a prisoner in an inescapable tomb, I may actually think it would be a lovely place to live. The “house” was designed by KWK Promes and is simply called “The Safe House.” It has only one entrance that is only accessible via a drawbridge that rises when the house is sealed up. So, in other words, if you were to accidentally hole yourself up in this man-made prison, no one would ever be able to get in to save you. Also, if it’s supposed to be the ideal protection against a Zombie horde, if I ever–and I mean ever–saw an insect in there, I would shit myself.
Zombie Bar Crawl
Of course, it’s all in fun, but I’ve seen some people take it very seriously. Any excuse to get drunk and shitty is worthy of praise, and I do appreciate it. The hardcore zombie crowd attends these events to drink a bunch of booze and slip into the fantasy that their wildest dreams have come true–Zombies are roaming the streets, and those “normal” people are totally screwed. I’ve enjoyed the Zombie dress-up game on Halloween, but a Zombie bar crawl is on par with Live Action Role Playing. It’s harmless fun, of course, but don’t try telling that to psychopath dripping with blood who just polished off his 24th PBR.
“The Zombie Autopsies”
This week, CNN featured an article about Dr. Steven Scholzman, an author and psychiatrist who has decided to study the theoretical “zombie brain” and what it means to science. We don’t know much about Zombies or where they come from, other than the few suggestions we’re given from films, television shows, and books, but it’s extremely important that anyone who studies human behavior or the social condition devote all of their energy towards finding out exactly how Zombie brains would function. It may not serve us well in any sort of upcoming Zombie War, but when we all go brain-dead from playing Zombie-killing video games all day, their research may prove very useful.
We adults don’t get much time to fantasize and sometimes we can be a bit childish. But why is the mainstream conversation about a Zombie uprising socially acceptable? Zombies have become so popular that no one even gives you a second look if you mention the rising of the dead and the subsequent feeding on human flesh or brains. Speaking of which, when do Zombies ever eat brains? I don’t think I’ve ever seen a zombie film where they specifically went after human brains.
I remember the outrage over the “running zombies” in the Dawn of the Dead remake, and now running zombies are the norm. Perceptions of the creatures change, just like Vampires went from being dark, brooding faces of sheer bloodthirsty horror to sparkling pretty boys and shirtless southern gentlemen.
The point is nothing should be taken so seriously, especially something as trivial as an impossible nightmare scenario featuring fictional monsters. And if you are going to get serious about all of this zombie apocalypse nonsense, could you at least look the other way when I’m having an in-depth discussion on the logistics of Star Wars?
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True Blood is a show that after watching the pilot, I wasn’t overly impressed. Interesting concept, good acting, but nothing to go crazy over. I was actually very disappointed. This is produced by Alan Ball for crying out loud! The man who created Six Feet Under made this?! (which is quite possibly the most brilliant, complexly written series I’ve seen ) However, I felt there was room for potential in the series and decided to bite my tongue (no pun intended) and keep watching.
I’m on the second season now. I’m proud to say this one of the few TV shows I’ve actually made an effort to stay on top of and I haven’t missed an episode yet. My girlfriend and I are now True Blood addicts and discuss on the phone the episodes we’ve seen and what situations the characters will get into like two giddy high school girls.
The storytelling feels organic. It doesn’t feel like something borrowed (despite being based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels written by Charlaine Harris) and cliche. It has a mind of its own and it’s constantly surprising. The story just keeps getting more interesting between characters. Things get so crazy that you have doubts the writers can pull it off. They haven’t failed yet. The show carries on the myths about vampires (stakes in the heart, silver, crucifixes, day light) and brings attention to overlooked perspectives on vampires. Such as their memories, their place in history, and how that has carried over to the way certain vampires behave in the present.
It also features some new abilities such as retractable fangs that allow them to blend in with the human population (if someone tells them to say cheese, they’re not totally fucked). Vampires can “glamor” their victims and control their mind. If vamps were Jedis they would’ve won the war against the Empire in no time. Darth Vader would’ve pissed his space pants. Vampires are now organized in their community with sheriffs, kings, and other leaders who govern sections of states.
The undertones of the show are also fascinating. At the very start of the show, vampires have now “come out of the coffin” and have revealed their existence to the world. No longer working behind the scenes, they’ve now become a part of society. That’s not to say that they’re no longer taboo to humans. If anything, the human race is having an even harder time accepting vampires as something real and not myth. Because of this vampires are now in the civil rights spectrum fighting for equal rights and tolerance. Religious and racial persecution all play parts and motives within the show with such groups as the Fellowship of the Sun–a religious group that condemns vampires and supports violence against the vampire race.
The two main characters, Sookie Stackhouse played by Anna Pacquin (a human with telepathic abilities), and Bill Compton played by Stephen Moyer ( a vampire who struggles to regain his sense of humanity) are perfect examples of victims of persecution. Bill and Sookie are a couple to the dismay of both vampires and humans within the town. It may sound like something from a cheesy emo vampire novel (no sparkles included) but their story is mostly about the burden and the danger that come with being a human and vampire couple (an interracial couple during a time of extreme intolerance).
The characters all have their strengths and weaknesses as well as their good sides and bad sides. They all have their share of troubles, but the troubles these characters face would make Bernard Madoff blush. You’ll be saying to yourself, “Oh fuck…” a lot. All characters are likable, even the bad ones. Some you’ll cheer on more than others, like Lafayette. A bad ass cross-dressing gay cook who deals V, vampire blood that is trippier and will get you higher than the blood of Keith Richards and Jerry Garcia combined!
He’s funny, he’s loyal to his friends (whether it’s in his interest or not) and he’s not afraid to tell someone to fuck off. He gives cross dressing cooks like Barefoot Contessa a run for their money.
The action is also very good in this show. Violence is depicted raw and somewhat jaw dropping. I haven’t seen a character die of old age, disease, or in their sleep yet. We’ll put it that way.
The only problem I have with the second season so far, is the cliffhangers. Lately it’s been cliffhanger after cliffhanger. The episodes seem to stop when something insane happens (or an “oh shit!” moment, if you will..)and then you curse at the ending credits.
Then you salivate at the next episode’s preview. The second season is doing a mighty fine job of keeping you wanting more. It’ll reveal you some major plot points but not expose them completely. I’m also very excited to see the other supernatural elements in the show such as werewolves , shape shifters, and the vampires in other areas. If you haven’t seen the first season, I highly recommend you give it a watch and check out season 2. This show if taking off big time and has quite a large fan base.
Alan Ball is very good with producing shows that are far from the norm with some very intriguing story telling. You can’t go wrong. I mean, what else is out there featuring vampires? Twilight? HA!–Joe G/
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Remember Matt Damon? That guy from the Borne movies whose latest opus was a song about fucking Sarah Silverman? Yeah! That one! He’s back, and he’s got a funny moustache now. In this comedy, Matt Damon plays a clueless corporate employee who is wrangled by the FBI to go undercover and reap information about his superiors’ illegal activity. I love seeing handsome serious actors play absent-minded social retards in movies.
You wouldn’t think it would be believable, but…there ya go!
Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn play so well together you almost forget you’re watching a movie. MADE didn’t have the same soul that Swingers did, but they were both so charming that I can’t take one without the other. This isn’t another Jon Favreau movie, and certainly doesn’t feel like one, but the cast makes you value Favreau for everything that he is.
The trailer allows you to take a step back, take in the relationship comedy, bright exotic colors, and learn to love what is essentially a Will Ferrell movie that he was passed up for because they didn’t want it to blow.
I guess I can appreciate that the Vampire genre is starting to be taken a little more seriously. If I were a huge Vampire fan, I’d likely be ecstatic that I can rent Twilight when I want to be a little pussy, and I can watch True Blood On Demand when I need to rub one out to fast-motion sadistic pornography.
I’m not being facetious; I really never gave a shit about Vampires in Television, Film, or Literature. To me, the draw of the Vampire story represents the subconscious need for a cheesy, dime store Romance novel combined with the excitement of watching a woman bleed to death.
Daybreakers is set in a world where almost everyone is a Vampire, and the few humans left must either fight or survival or be harvested for blood. It’s pretty high concept, but it looks pretty fucking cool.
Essentially, a similar story to True Blood without the epic nerd boner you get from seeing Rogue’s funbags.
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It’s officially the first week of Summer, so I figured I’d bring back some quick Trailer reviews for all of you movie-lovers who are craving the sweet nectars of the potentially disappointing films that are made to look watchable by enticing advertisements.
I know that these aren’t movies that are being released in the next three months, but you’ll like these better.
Let’s dive right in to the sexy madness.
Dead Snow–Zombie Nazis?! Eat your heart out, Tarantino. You just got faced.
Untitled Michael Moore Project–Michael Moore’s slowly turning from a funny fat guy into Boss Nass from The Phantom Menace.
Zombieland–Were you one of the dozen people who saw Adventureland and thought: “You know what this movie needs? Comedy–I mean…Zombies.” Well, you fished your wish!
Cold Souls–Paul Giamatti takes the opportunity to remind us all how boring Paul Giamatti is.
Twilight: New Moon–The people who taught your underage daughters that vampires are sexy take a hot stab at beastiality. How many monsters can this girl fuck?
The Crypt–Remeber when you saw ________, and said it was the worst horror movie ever? I hope you like being wrong.
There are some gems out there. Several of them were mentioned in my last Trailer Review piece…but overall, I have to question the rationale behind a lot of these new titles.
But, you know what? I am going to see the shit out of Zombieland.
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There’s recently been a lot of rumors spreading around (like a virus!) about this whole Swine Flu business. It’s a lot to wrap my head around, but I’m going to attempt a quick explanation.
For those of you who don’t know, Swine Flu is a variation of Influenza that came from pigs, transferred to pig people, and then found its way to normal people; through what I can only assume was a series of sexy encounters with BBW’s.
But don’t panic! While the media hype surrounding this outbreak can be overwhelming at times, you can be absolutely sure of at least three things:
1. The dead are not returning to life to feed on the living (unless all reliable witnesses have already been taken out, in which case, I guess we’d never know!)
2. It is not a biological weapon of any kind (no HAMthrax).
3. You can’t get it from eating pork, bacon, sausage, ham, or America Ferrara (…yet).
Although it may shock and alarm most of you, I must clarify for the record that I am not a doctor. My thoughts and opinions on Swine Flu may or may not have any basis in reality.
…at least the two waring groups can settle in a Post-Apocalyptic world, sharing a mutual hatred for Sit Down, Shut Up.
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