Though I’m not a complete pussy, an obnoxiously grandiloquent gay, or a woman…I just don’t typically get into most sports. There’s something about the pools of raging testosterone which–for the most part–I simply never found appealing. So, if there’s a particular sport you don’t necessarily like, good ol’ Mr. G’s got some simple solutions to your potential lack of masculinity.
Let’s start off by saying that we’re only discussing mainstream sports here…and you know what those are. We’re not including X-Games, Pool, Poker, Darts, or Bowling…because real people don’t watch those.
10. Learn the Fucking Rules! It doesn’t take a genius (or even a dude) to learn the simple rules of every major sport. Don’t concern yourself with the extra shit because nobody knows all of the obscure, hardly necessary rules for each sport…that’s what replays and commentary is for.
But if you can’t learn the basics of the fucking games, don’t even get involved. While everyone else is sitting around cheering, go rub one out in the bathroom. If you can’t be bothered to try, why should everyone else be bothered to put up with you?
9. Read some sports editorials and regurgitate them in your own words! Sports writers aren’t smarter than you; they simply put all of their brain-power into one particular field.
Let’s put it this way–as much time as you spend obsessing over hipster pop culture, these people spend thinking about bats, balls, sticks, and nets. And neither of you know what the fuck the other is talking about.
For example, start discussing a “play” that happened at “that game the other day” and how “deaf, dumb, and blind” the “umpires/refs” are…even if you’re talking complete horseshit, you’ll at least look like you’re on the fucking ball.
8. Learn what players everyone hates, and hate them! At this point, you might be saying, “B-b-but I don’t hate anybody!” Well, that’s because you’re a pussy. Sports aren’t about having “Heroes” anymore. Sports are about entertainment and being pissed off. That’s why people rednecks watch Wrestling.
You don’t even have to know anything about the game or what position he plays…as long as you say “Fuck T.O. (and you have to say “T.O.”—see Rule #7)!” and you’re golden…especially in Philadelphia.
You may get into a debate about the player’s value to the team outweighing his behavior…blah blah blah…but just stand your ground and you’ll be fine. As long as you’ve mirrored the media’s idea of who’s a douche and who isn’t, you’ll survive any suspicion that you have no idea what you’re talking about.
7. Make the slogans, nicknames, and sporting phrases part of your daily vocab! As I’ve said in Rule #8, do not say “Terrell Owens.” Say “T.O.” Don’t say “Jimmy Rollins,” say “J-Roll”…and don’t say “Raul Ibanez,” say “RAAAAUUUUUUULL!” If you need to say a particular player’s name, it is best to remember that the player most likely has a nickname that you’re not aware of. In such cases, you’ll have two options…
The first option is to hold off on your comment until the player’s name comes up on TV or in another conversation, then jump in with your witty remark. Better a late spark of sporting wit than embarrassing the fuck out of yourself.
The second option is to make up a nickname. This is more difficult, and you should only use this if you feel confident. Many new sports nicknames have been made up on the fly, so it’s not impossible. Manny Ramirez could easily become “Manny ‘Roid-mirez”…and Shaquille O’Neal could simply become “Kazaam.“
You need a bit of background info to fabricate a new nickname for a player, but it’ll make people around you chuckle and think, “Boy, this dickhead isn’t so bad after all.”
6. Don’t pretend to know more than the person you’re talking to! If you happen to find yourself in a sports conversation, don’t get in over your head. It’s fair to simply say, “I don’t know.” Very rarely will you come into contact with someone who knows everything about sports, and like politics or religion, there is always a debate to be had.
Some individuals (mostly drunks) live for the good ol’ fashioned sports debate…but you should never get into an argument in which you are unable to defend your side due to outright ignorance.
5. Cheer when they cheer–Get mad when they get mad! Find the peeps who are rallying behind your team of choice and study their reactions during the game. If you’ve already learned the rules of the game, you may not need to do this as much; however, there are always quick plays and penalties that your feeble unsportsmanlike brain will not be capable of handling.
Utilize the natural gutteral sounds that you so rarely get to use in everyday light to express your approval or disapproval of any given situation. “GAAAH!!!” with the crowd, and “WOOO!” for your team.
4. Buy something with a team logo! If you’ve found a sport or team that you don’t mind watching regularly, you have to show your support somehow. It’s like wearing a flag pin if you’re a real American…or wearing a Springsteen T-Shirt so the band knows how much you love to rock out to senior citizens in leather pants.
You can always find some sports gear on the cheap side…it doesn’t have to be an official product. But if you feel rotten about faking support for something that you truly have no interest in, at least be a good sport and wear something close to the team’s colors when you’re going out to watch a game.
While you won’t fit in quite as much, you’ll at least appear as if you’ve made some kind of effort. Think of it like St. Patrick’s Day if you’re Italian, Black, or a Jew…
3. If you don’t watch every game, don’t pretend that you do! Most people don’t watch every game…even the hardcore fans miss a few here and there. It’s perfectly acceptable to say: “Nah, I didn’t see it last night.”
If you truly feel that you’ve been backed against a wall and you’re going to get raped if you admit that you haven’t been following the entire season, just lie like a motherfucker. One popular excuse is “I always have work during the games…” Oftentimes, having a career is a viable excuse for missing a sporting event.
Pretend to be upset that you keep missing these games, but add-on to it the lie that you’ve been trying to follow as much as possible. Pretend to be interested as they discuss the shit you’ve “missed.”
2. Get Fangry!! Fangry is “fake angry,” and it allows the person you’re conversing with to sense that you are very passionate about your sports.
They’ll ask, “You have money on this game or something?”
And you’ll respond, “No! It just makes me so FUCKING MAD!”
They should lay off at that point. They will either think you’re the biggest fan ever, or that you’re drunk and dangerous. Try screaming: “NO! NO! NO! NO! YOU ASSHOLE!” at any point during the event. Nobody will ever ask you anything again.
Whenever you hear the people around you go “AWW!” in disappointment and anger, scream “HORSESHIT!” at the top of your lungs. Everyone will assume that you know exactly what occurred, and you whole-heartedly disapprove.
1. Just try to get into the game, prick! I enjoy Baseball, Soccer, and Rugby (even though I don’t understand it at all)…but when it comes to almost every other sport, I can’t really give it my full attention–especially if there’s something else on TV, or a video game is going unplayed.
However, if we’re watching Sunday Night Football, then that’s what we’re fucking watching. I understand the game enough to get by, and I don’t find it totally boring. Same with Hockey and Basketball.
If you really can’t get into the action, then find something else about it that you like–the fighting in Hockey, the retarded dancing in Football, the over-the-top personalities in…everything.
It’s not hard to get tolerate sports–it’s typically the people watching it that get on your nerves. Usually there’s something that everyone can get behind. Everyone loves to watch Sports Bloopers, Highlights, or Wacky Plays. Everyone can agree that the WWE is pretty gay.
But rarely will anyone admit that the only time when they actually give a shit about the game is when everyone else is watching.
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