Everybody knows that kids are fucking stupid and do stupid things; but what does it say about adults–grown ups who should know better–when they turn the harmless, dumbass exploits of a stupid kid into a media clusterfuck that captures the hearts and minds of us all?
As you know, this month was the dawn of the Balloon Boy (and yes, I’m aware I’ve already written an article about it)…(and yes, I’m aware of the irony that by bringing it up again I’m only contributing to the mindless media that continues to fan the flames)…but fuck you.
But while you’re all tied in knots over little Falcon Heene, you may have let another ankle-biter slip by unnoticed. His name is Zachary Christie. He’s six year’s old and cute as a cunt; but what you may not know is his story. Thank christ I’m here to tell you, right?
Just wait 'til he joins the NRA
Zachary is a Cub Scout who went to school with his “favorite” spoon, which just so happened to be attached to a Swiss fucking Army fucking Knife. He was suspended from school and sent to spend 45 days in an alternative school for trouble-makers and no-goodniks.
This may have been a bit harsh, but he parents (along with thousands of people who should mind their own fucking business) have intervened and complained about how stupid and unfair this was. Unfair–maybe–but the stupid kid brought a knife to school, and his parents let him!
Would I be a happy camper if I had to share my first grade class with a kid carrying a knife in his pocket? Fuck no!
Zach’s best media quote has been: “I had absolutely no idea it was gonna happen!” Really? You’re six. You have absolutely no idea that puberty’s gonna happen either.
In response to the whole media outrage, the Delaware school has decided to only suspend Lil’ Z, and has changed their policy so that Kindergarten and First Grade kids won’t have to go to the evil school as punishment.
What must that school be like? I’m picturing a bunch of little elementary school kids covered in dirt and shit, shackled to their desks, wondering how the fuck they ended up there in the first place.
But even if that were the case, they would all be thinking, “We’re the lucky ones. They still haven’t taken little Falcon away from Ma and Pa Batshit.”
I'm not finished yet, FUCKERS!
And if you thought that the Balloon Boy coverage was over–holy shit–you’re fucking wrong. This shit has only just begun! While CNN has dropped the story from their front page, many “news” websites are digging deeper, even to the point of using tabloids as resources.
As this story–obviously the most monumental event of the decade–gains steam, the hoax becomes more and more apparent. Police are now (supposedly) looking into those who claim to have business connections with Papa Fruit Loop, involving his plans to base a reality show around his family with staged events (like ballooning a boy…I guess).
So, now we have two “boys” with more media hype than parental supervision (one considerably more significant than the other); which leads me to ask the important question: What stupid child’s dumbass exploits can we blow out of proportion next?
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