from Yamtastic. Years before the days of Team Edward and cool tweens obsessed with young-adult paranormal fiction, wanting to be a young vampire was considered “fucking weird.” These were the kids who sat in the corner, never talked to anyone, and quietly plotted the demise of all of their school chums. Those little shits would grow up to be bloggers, film makers, and artists. At the time, though, they existed only in isolation and sexual awkwardness. So why not take some advice from good old Al “Grandpa (did he say Grandpo?) Munster” Lewis, a man who aged into a Nazi propaganda cartoon of a Jew? You have to ask your parents first, but inevitably, you’ll get your way and call this once-in-a-lifetime 900 number and learn all of the vampire “tricks and secrets.” And I’m guessing trick number one involves how to scam your friends out of two dollars-a-minute.
I’d like to kick-start this review by openly stating that I, hand on heart, am an enjoyer of the first three “Twilight” movies. Now, notice I used the word “enjoyer” and not “fan;” there is a difference between the two. You see, yes, it’s true, I have indeed enjoyed the opening three chapters of the increasingly epic movie saga about sparkling vampires and topless werewolves (I believe “Twilight,” “New Moon” and “Eclipse” to be rather decently made, albeit as corny as a cornfield). However, I am by no means a “fan,” a term which would undoubtedly give you, dear reader, the distinct impression that I am a squealing, swooning, tweenage Twihard who is proudly and loudly positioned in either Team Edward or Team Jacob, although if forced to pick between the two I would probably route for the former – Jacob’s a mopey little twerp.
I’m saying this because I have already witnessed several professional film critics being viciously attacked by “Twilight” fans for having the audacity to review (and tear to shreds) the series’ fourth installment, “Breaking Dawn – Part 1,” when it apparently “wasn’t made for them.” Going by this logic, twisted as it is, “Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ was made for me; I am the “correct” age, I am a mumbling teen and, in spite of my gender, I have thus far enjoyed the “Twilight” saga, cheesy as the series may be. As such, I believe it to be my privilege and my right to inform you, dear reader, that “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1″ is, well, not particularly good. (Continue Reading…)
Why? A simple question. Why? An adverb meant to express puzzlement and curiosity. Why in the holy bejesus fuck are Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg still working in the film business? How the shitting dolphin rotten bitch cunt they are able to get their “movies” financed, put into production and actually released in theatres for public consumption is beyond me. And how the decomposed dinosaur foreskin their “films” manage to actually make money at the box office is a disgrace to not only humanity, not only the universe, but everything that has ever existed in every single dimension to come out of God’s tight, hairy asshole.
These two fuck-heads are not filmmakers. They’re not. They’re two retarded monkeys who just so happened to find a camera and then proceeded to film themselves eating each others shit and sold the footage to a movie company. They have already made Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie (the last two were actually released in the same cunting year) and now they have finally made their masterpiece. By masterpiece, I mean their biggest accomplishment, the big cheese. In other words, they have successfully created the worst movie. Ever. Period. This is Vampires Suck.
This time, Seltzer and Friedberg sat down and watched the first two Twilight movies and decided, “Hmm, derp, we, uh, derp, should, uh, derp, copy this movie and, uh, derp, do lots of, uh, derp, stupid, derp, unfunny, derp, jokes every millisecond and the audiences, uh, derp, will eat it up.” Words simply cannot express how utterly painful and brain-dead this movie is. But fuck it, I’m gonna try.
The film (I’m using that term lightly) basically steals the plot (ha, plot!) of Twilight and New Moon, with our adolescent main character Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to the city of Sporks with her father. But something is very strange about this city. That’s right, it was made by Seltzer and Friedberg, so it’s an unrealistic pile of cow vomit! No, actually the city is infested with vampires, one of which, a good one named Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), Becca falls for. Cos he’s so hot and sparkly.
Meanwhile, three evil vampires are killing and feeding on locals, one of which actually fights back and punches one of the vampires in the face, because that’s so god damn funny. Not. Anyway, Becca and Edward come across them and Edward kills one of them with a baseball bat and then there’s some gay jokes, some fart jokes and the film continues while I just sit there, staring blankly at the screen, distraught, heavily disturbed and begging for the sweet release at the bony hands of Death himself because I really, really don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.
Look, I like all four Scary Movies, I like The Naked Gun and I like both Airplane films. Heck, I even enjoyed Superhero Movie, as stupid and silly as it was. What I don’t like is this, or anything these two testicle-brained doofuses have ever put to the big screen. Unlike the eight aforementioned spoofs, Vampires Suck does not have any wit, not one good joke, no humour or any hint of thought-process put into its production.
What we get is a series of bricks falling on top of people, burp jokes, people being thrown into pianos, never-ending pop culture references, people falling over again and again, people being hit by car doors, people getting smacked in the head with shovels and basically every throw-away visual gag that doesn’t require any intelligence, mentality or use of brain cells. “Mind-numbing” is not a strong enough word.
You can practically see Seltzer and Friedberg down on their knees, pleading to you, begging for you, the audience, the viewer, their money-source to look at the film and give a tiny little implication of anything that could possibly be said to resemble something that could maybe, just maybe be called a smile. But they won’t get what they want. I literally did not laugh, chortle, snigger or even smile at any of the hundreds upon thousands of so-called jokes that these couple of numskulls lazily threw at me.
I can’t even give the film credit for spoofing Twilight, a series despised and spit upon by many, because it’s done in such an appalling and cringe-worthy fashion that it doesn’t deserve to be called entertainment. Some of the film’s jokes aren’t even original, I spotted one directly robbed from The Simpsons, another from Wallace and Gromit, and there’s some that are just rehashes from their previous movies and many taken from Scary Movie. It’s fucking ridiculous.
In fact, the only thing in this entire torture show that I can award with respect, other than the fact that it’s thankfully only 76 minutes long, is the casting of Jenn Proske. Playing the Bella copycat, she perfectly mimics the traits and glum personality of Kristen Stewart’s character in the Twilight franchise to a tee. It is quite impressive. But then again, she’s just impersonating someone else, so she can’t get the film a single mark. Bad luck.
The rest of the cast are just sore losers of look-alike competitions without any acting ability or memorable portrayals, or maybe that’s just the awful script they’re reading from. Each character has the exact same personality, i.e. quirky, bizarre, weird, over-the-top, sadomasochistic. They do stupid things, say stupid things, emit gases of stupidity, all of which isn’t the slightest bit funny or smart, so I just want them all to fuck off and go burn in a fire somewhere.
As an example of how lazy Vampires Suck is, I noticed that all of the music is taken from other movies. As in, the filmmakers didn’t even bother to get someone to do a score for it, they just took music from other films and splattered them in the background. And no, it’s not like Inglorious Basterds or Shutter Island, the music-taken-from-other-movies aspect serves no purpose whatsoever here, other than pure slothfulness.
Don’t see this movie. Seriously, just don’t even bother, you’ll be wasting just over an hour of your life when you could be at home, drawing doodles or making your own little home movies with your camcorder, which I can pretty much guarantee will be much, much better than this unfunny, horribly made, unfathomably bad piece of shit. Seltzer and Friedberg, fuck you.
In November 2008, American director Catherine Hardwicke’s much anticipated Twilight was released in film theatres worldwide, a fantasy romance based on Stephenie Meyer’s well-known novel of the same name. It was a story of vampires, teenage angst and the consequences of forbidden love, one which captured the imaginations of teens all around the world, going on to gross over $392 million at the box office. It gained a multitude of dedicated fans, most of whom would have contributed to the flick’s MTV Movie Award win for Best Film and quickly made Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart into global mega-stars. It is not without its haters, however, there are many who, for several understandable reasons, spit or squirm at the mere whisper of the film’s name.
The sequel, named New Moon, was then unleashed in 2009, this time Chris Hewitt (The Golden Compass, About A Boy) in the director’s chair. Although received harshly by most critics, it proved popular with the mass amount of fans, becoming the third highest grossing film, like, ever. But this title may be under threat, for there is a new film prowling about, pickpocketing moviegoers for what looks to be a rather admirable final collection of cash.
On its opening night it made a record-breaking $30 million through midnight screenings in North America and I’d say it’s pretty likely it ain’t gonna be a flop. Ironically, this movie is from the same franchise, or “saga” as it has called itself, as New Moon. Yes, this is Eclipse, the third in the love it or hate it Twilight series, released just eight months after its predecessor. And I can wholly guarantee you that this will undoubtedly have hormonal adolescent girls everywhere frantically skipping with delight. As well as me, although to a lesser degree. I’m more reserved.
Pattinson and Stewart reprise their famous roles as Edward Cullen and Bella Swan, two passionate lovebirds in a relationship where the latter is a normal, mopey teenage girl and the former is a sexy, sexy, mmm vampire. Edward and Bella seem perfectly happy together, but Bella is being harassed by Mr. Topless werewolf Jacob Black (Taylor Lautner), who claims that she has feelings for him like he has feelings for her. Such a romantic. So, Bella is in a bit of a tangle, having to choose if she should stay with Edward or run away with bad-boy Jacob. It’s basically like an episode of 90210 with a cast primarily made up of vampires and werewolves instead. And it’s not total bollocks.
Meanwhile, red-headed evil vampire Victoria (this time played by Bryce Dallas Howard) is still on the hunt for Bella after believing that she was responsible for her boyfriend’s death, which occurred in the first movie. She is building an army of new-borns, those who have recently been turned into blood-suckers, who she plans to use to slaughter Edward’s family and get to Bella to tear her freakin’ brooding head off! Nasty.
First off, I’d like to say that I am not a Twilight fan. Far from it really. Despite having enjoyed the first two movies, I have always had an odd contempt for anything even remotely associated with the franchise. This was mainly due to my knowledge of the delusional fans of the saga who obsess over it, talking about it constantly while living in a dream-world where Edward Cullen is their loving husband, and these kind of freaky nutcases have always forced me into detesting the very essence of Twilight. But I think that Eclipse has rid me of these hateful thoughts.
What really struck me about Eclipse is how grown-up it seemed to be. Unlike its predecessors, Eclipse is not a majestic feast of extra-strong cheese, I saw it as much more mature in tone as well as exceedingly self-aware, which is more than I can say for New Moon. Yes, the topless guys running about with their abs practically dancing for the camera is still there, but even with this it appeared to be aware of how silly it was. “Don’t you have a shirt?” Edward jokingly asks Jacob, who is indeed straddling a car, topless, his muscles protruding as he poses like a motherfucker.
The franchise has finally reached a stage where it has seen itself for what it is and what it has become, so it has managed how to work out a way of being more respectable, being more adult about its subject matter. It was fairly clear to me that this was mostly, if not fully due to the magnificent choice of director, David Slade. I mean, this is the guy who did Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, both of which carry very strong atmospheres, a thing which Twilight needed to further itself fully. Slade has taken this film and has made it more than I thought it could be. He has given it genuine intelligence and a powerful feel to it.
Then again, it is still a BI film, so limitations are inevitable. The corniness is unavoidable, coming across in quite a few scenes where the off/on dialogue is a bit too lovey-dovey and iffy at points. “I’ll fight for you until your heart stops beating,” Jacob says to Bella. Ugh. There’s also just the simple plot of Bella having to choose between Edward and Jacob which is a little too silly to be taken seriously, it can be a tad cringe-worthy. And, oh yeah, the sparkly vampires. Seriously, what the hell?
One of the film’s strong points though is in the exhilarating fight scenes. I found myself raising an eyebrow at the very first action scene with Victoria being chased through the forest by the Cullen clan, a sequence nothing short of impressive. Although I wasn’t a fan of the super-fast movements which incorporated the vamps in the previous two installments, it is very well-shot here and used to great effect, giving the sequence that extra oomph and sparkle (pun intended). Victoria races between the tall trees, jumping and gliding as the Cullens do the same behind her just before the big bad wolves gallop in and pounce her. The sequence is short, yet it did leave a striking impression on me, showing Slade as a director with a knack for action.
And then there’s the final battle scene, the blood-suckers VS wolf-men fight from which clips have been used and thrown into TV spots which made it look overblown and simply desperate to look awesome. In the actual film, nonetheless, it does achieve this level of awesomeness it is striving for, giving the movie a fantastic finale which is both thrilling and exciting.
The special effects are also very much of high quality, with the most obvious use being of that on the wolves. These are big, bulking creatures which are superbly animated, relating marvelously with their surroundings. There’s a scene in which Bella is standing next to Jacob in his wolf form and their interaction with each other is brilliantly executed.
As for the acting, well, in a Twilight film you’re not exactly expecting Marlon Brando or Phillip Seymour Hoffman levels of performances. Not even Keanu Reeves quality. On the other hand, our leading man is pretty darn good. Pattinson is usually slotted in the “talentless actor” category, but I found his performance to be the best in the film. He makes Edward a very intriguing and emotionally involving character, the only one who I cared about for the majority of the movie. Sure, Pattinson’s not flawless here, but he most definitely is not bad at all like some would automatically think.
Stewart is also decent enough, although she has always made Bella come across as a mopey, whiny, snot-nosed, grouchy little baby who I don’t really give an airborne crap about. The fractious nature of her is to a lesser extent here, yet she’s still a tedious moper. Now, Lautner. I have to give it straight here, he’s a bland actor. His performance in Eclipse is just wooden, he’s practically a hunky, talking prop in many of the scenes he’s in. He comes in, shows off his abs, says some smart lines with no expression in his eyes and buggers off, sulking. I’m maybe being a bit too harsh, but yeah, he’s not great.
I was surprised by Eclipse, I really was. I was expecting the same lousy, laughable, cheesy pile of lameness which New Moon took on, when instead what I got was a mature, grown-up and well-made fantasy, and an epic one at that. It’s slow-moving, but the action scenes are great and Slade’s the perfect man to have helmed this project to bring it to a new level. Although I still feel the first is superior, Eclipse is just behind it, held back by some unnecessary corniness and “meh” acting from Lautner. Team Edward FTW.
As an American male who has long-since been desensitized to the likes of Two Girls, One Cup, I think it’s safe to say there is very little taboo in this age. You can be a sexual deviant and be a mega-star. You can be a child predator and still wind up making it big on MSNBC.
There’s no doubt that it’s a very sexy time to be alive. Aging hippies will talk of free love, fucking in trees and bushes, in public, on the steps of Congress. The young generation boasts about the blowjob they received behind a Wawa, or Denny’s. This is the same generation that brought us sexting (underage sexual text messages and pictures) which the media will claim as child pornography…but shouldn’t it be acceptable for sharing between consenting young adults?
The truth is that in the hands of the wrong people, something with convoluted sexuality (like “sexting”) may have the potential to be dangerous. But for the harmless, law-abiding, sexual creature, whatever doesn’t fuck you can only make you harder. This is a guide to those elements of sexuality and weirdness that put one over that thin red line that divides the objectively kinky from the universally creepy.
...universally creepy.
Analloeroticism (Asexuality)–You should never trust people who voluntarily detach themselves from sex; especially because any reasoning they give is complete horse shit. Whether it be spirituality, intellect, or a complete lack of passion, human beings who consider themselves “asexual” usually end up being deviant monsters whose inevitable life-long repression finds a way to rear its ugly head.
(Runners up: Agalmatophilia, Acne,According to Jim)
Bible, The–There are countless groups attempting to promote the idea that the biblical definitions of sex and relationships are the end-all-be-all. Some consider sex to be a spiritual or religious experience, and that’s fine. But there’s nothing sexy about basing your fucking on a ridiculous ancient text…unless it’s the Kama Sutra, in which case…you probably shouldn’t try.
(Runners up: B/O, Balloon Fetish, Burn Victims, Being Raped By Mike Tyson, Bobby Jindal)
Coprophilia–Poop, scat, feces, diarrhea…these things should never be sexually gratifying in any way. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, you decide it might be kinky to take a shit on your lover’s chest. You both agree (because you’re both fucking stupid) and you go for it. It’s all well and good until you realize you’re taking a shit on someone and that shit is going to have to be cleaned up. By you. If you have to shit during sex, you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
Douchebags–While this seems like a somewhat unfair choice (because I’m subjectively defining the term), I think it’s an accurate representation. By definition the term has a negative connotation, but it can refer to almost anyone. Unfortunately, a douchebag can be sexy…but you’ll soon find that you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.
(Runners up: Dendrophilia, Dominos Pizza, Dave Coulier)
Erotophonophilia–There’s nothing wrong with a little violence to get your rocks off, but when it turns into getting sexually excited by murder, you just become psychofuck serial killer. Thank christ that we have psychologists and psychoanalysts who spend their lives coming up with scientific names for these mental disorders, or we wouldn’t know it as erotophonophilia. We’d simply know it as “Daddy masturbates to the History Channel.”
Frotteurism–Sexual pleasure from strangers is fine (in fact, it is possibly the basis of all porn); however, this particular “ism” refers to the sexual excitement that comes from casually rubbing against strangers; i.e. that guy who tried to get by you on the train was, in fact, creaming his jeans as he touched your soft white shoulder.
(Runners up: Formicophilia, Facebook Creepers, Futanari, Furries, Fish Fucking)
These signs need to be around everywhere. A friendly reminder is always nice.
Guro–Possibly the most violent and bizarre form of hentai (comic pornography), Guro blows my mind. The genre has a reputation of involving the most disgustingly violent forms of sex (i.e. rape, skull-fucking, horrorporn). Am I not hip, or is that wholly un-sexy? Guro is certainly interesting to peruse. It can be quite psychological and strange…but it’s still…totally…not sexy.
(Runners up: Girls Gone Wild, Ghosts, Grover Bodies, Gary Busey, Gap Kids)
Horoscopes–If a chick asks you what your Astrological sign is, don’t get involved. If a guy asks you what your Astrological sign is, he’s probably probably retarded…or incredibly bright, depending on how you look at it…but he is taking a huge risk. People who gauge their lives based on a random blurb in the newspaper have monumentally unattractive personalities and dependence issues.
(Runners up: Hebephilia, Hairyness, Harry Potter, Hooters)
Intellectual Laziness–Is there any bigger turn-off than stupidity? Maybe Lip Hair…yes. Lip hair would be a bigger turn-off. But, look…there’s no problem with not being the brightest crayon in the box, but the desire to grow has to be there. In guys and gals, if you’re a dummy, you’re a dummy; but if you sit there and drool while someone is trying to explain something to you, you’re either medically retarded, or you’re a Creationist.
Juicy Shorts–On a nice ass, it doesn’t matter what the logo says. “Oh, Juicy ass? Okay, why not?” But most perceptions of a “juicy” ass are extremely negative. The worst thing about the whole “juicy” craze is that no one whose ass you could comfortably call “juicy” wears the fucking shorts. They’re always either worn by 12-year olds or the morbidly obese. False Advertising.
(Runners Up: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jedi, Japanese Porn)
The pairing of "Juicy, Cherries, and Underage Girls" is enough to make even Chris Hansen go, "How the fuck did I miss this?!"
Kilts (on men)–Scotland’s exports to the United States are all things that it has become necessary to re-gift…or just throw away. Their food isn’t food. Golf is one of the most boring activities one can engage in and still claim to be having “fun” (aside from bowling). And men wearing knee-skirts seems evil and wrong. When waitresses at Scottish bars wear kilts, it’s fresh and exciting, like a schoolgirl that you wouldn’t go to prison for fucking. An attractive man wearing a kilt might as well be living in a cave. An unattractive man wearing a kilt is probably Scottish.
(Runners Up: Klismaphilia, Kohl’s, Keith Richards, Kat Von D, Karaoke, Kafka)
Learning Yoga–I’d like to think that all of those able-bodied people who can actually do yoga are just born with that talent. I can’t even touch my fucking toes and these people are turning their bodies into soft pretzels. The practice of yoga is absolutely sexy; but the jackasses who think they can move their body like that when they haven’t even stretched since High School gym class need to think twice.
(Runners Up: Lactaphilia, Lil Wayne, Love Stories, Lane Bryant)
Masking–Possibly the most unnerving and unsettling sexual fetish is “masking.” I can appreciate the concepts of role play, costumes, and even latex/rubber fetishes (but what’s the point?); however, the concept of “masking” takes this all a step further. Maskers are men who make human female “skin outfits” out of latex and wear them around as if they are in a woman’s body. It’s like…EXTREME CROSS-DRESSING. It verges way-too-close to House of 1000 Corpses for me to find sexually appealing. But then again, I’m not a cross-dresser…or a psychotic.
Nihilists–There’s something to be said about individuals who stand by the non-existence of morality and law. Nihilists believe in nothing, and while–as an atheist–I have a certain admiration for disbelievers, there is very little that can be considered attractive about these people. Sure, you’ll meet your artsy guy or gal who claims to be a nihilist; but you’ll soon find that they are an a dark abyss where personality and sexuality are fucking extinct.
Obesity–Allow me to clarify that, for the record, there is nothing wrong with fat-bottomed girls. You don’t need to be skinny to be sexy. Classical artists painted heavyset women for ages…plump chicks wearing velvet, eating apples in the Garden of Eden, chugging wine like it’s 1509. I’ll leave it at this: you never see Michelangelo’s portraits of 300+ pound women washing themselves with rags on sticks and being carried out of their homes through a truck-sized hole in the wall.
(Runners Up: Olive Garden, Octomom, Occult)
Plushophilia–Although I’ve already mentioned “Furries” as a ‘Runner Up,’ I felt obligated to give them the recognition they so richly deserve. A physical attraction to stuffed animals is only magnified when it is embodied by lovers in mascot costumes. If you’ve ever had sex with a girl who was laughing at you the whole time, imagine the feeling of looking down at a googly-eyed hippopotamus (or some shit) staring up at your with a shit-eating grin on its face. Now that’s a boner-killer.
This must be how Stormtroopers are punished for incopetence...
Quagmires (sexual)–Many stories have been told about the unpleasantness of first-time sex. It is known as being bumbling, staggering, messy, and–one way or another–it’s over far too fast. Of course this is a generalization made by a vast majority who are sexually awkward the first time they fuck. This is an excusable quagmire. After you’ve had a considerable level of experience, these sexual blunders only become acceptable if you get ‘camera-shy.’
(Runners Up: QVC, Queans, Querimonies, Quaternitarians, Questioning the legitimacy of this list)–yeah, look those up, bitches.
Reenactors–There’s nothing wrong with being a history buff. Being interested in anything that much is totally hot; but when it takes over your personality to the point that you become a character in a recurring story, you’ve drained yourself of that appeal. This goes mainly for men. Ladies, if you can pull off some sexy cosplay, go for it! Guys, isn’t that enough?
(Runners Up: Rush Limbaugh, Radio Shack, Religion, Reparations)
Symphorophilia–While I’m trying to stay away from criticizing paraphilia that others may hold dear, there are some which–if you dohold them dear–there’s something deeply and disturbingly wrong with you. Symphorophilia refers to the sexual attraction one would (but shouldn’t) receive from witnessing a horrible disaster, such as a plane crash or…holocaust. It goes beyond sadism. It’s driving past a car accident on the side of the road, checking it out, and getting a boner. Sexy enough for ya?
(Runners Up: Space Camp, Sex Offenders, Sesame Street, Sheep, Shingles)
Trichophilia–Evidently, it’s extremely rare (percentage-wise) for women to experience paraphilia. That’s not to say that women have no interest in the evils of fetishism; however, the ratio of guys to gals who get freaky is way-skewed. For this one, I think it could easily go either way. Remember the days when being “shaved” was an extreme sexual rarity? Now fucking everyone goes hairless–or mostly hairless–and the world is much better for it. Who needs those freaks who live in the past? And who wants to be picking pubes out of their teeth?
(Runners Up: Twilight, Two and a Half Men, Titty-hugs from titless strippers)
This is the result of thorough daily manscaping.
Ursusagalmatophilia–Having already mentioned the Furries, I don’t feel the need to go too far in depth with this one. Ursusa-whatthefuck-philia is the sexual attraction one might–or might not–have towards a Teddy Bear. But to be fair, who can resist their button-eyes, unassuming expressions, and the empty soulless feeling you get from sticking your dick in a hollowed out Teddy Bear?
(Runners Up: Ugg Boots, Unemployment, UK Basketball)
Vorarephilia–There are individuals who exist (yes, they exist) who don’t enjoy being eaten out. Whether it be ass or vajazz…some don’t like performing or receiving. Now, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it…but what if I tried to sell you this…(allow me to play Billy Mays for a moment) ‘Hi Billy Mays here for being eaten alive! Are you a human being who dreams of being a helpless rodent, devoured whole by a massive python?! Well with my new product, Vore-be-gone, you can experience the sensation of being eaten and digested by another living thing, without leaving your living room!’ What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
(Runners Up: Vampirism, Vulcans, Video Diaries, Vitamin Enthusiasts)
Wizard Porn–Harry Potter has suffered an onslaught of fan fiction horseshit. It’s not surprising, it’s just unnerving. Why is it that out of all the teenage angst and sexual tension in those Harry Potter books/movies, aspiring uber-nerds spend their time scribing the homosexual adventures of Potter and Malfoy–or Potter and that annoying ginger kid? There are plenty of chicks in the picture…and Hermione’s getting kinda hot, so why not? Of course, if you really think about it…even straight wizard sex is kinda gay.
(Runners Up: Words of Wisdom, Wigs, Whinging, WalMart, World of Warcraft)
Xanga-When horny old men aren’t trolling MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter for fresh meat, they use Xanga…so it’s probably safe to say that there are hardly any horny old men on Xanga. But, for the purposes of this “X,” let’s assume that there are. What better way to scope out under-age girls with low self esteem? Their parents don’t understand them and their friends are all bitches. You’re the only one who really understands her…so why not? Some guys get off on girls’ desperation…but, those guys are all still in college. We’ve moved on.
(Runners Up: Xenophobia, Xanex)
Yard Art–Also called “Lawn Ornaments” or “Lawn Decor,” Yard Art is truly a sign of the sexually repressed and artistically retarded. Discovering a pink flamingo, garden gnome, wooden windmill, or crudely painted-not-so-funny-plywood-cutout-folk-art sticking out of your neighbor’s obsessively manipulated green grass is a sure sign that they’re probably in the business of enslaving children.
(Runners Up: YMCA Creeper Swim)
And who can forget the adorable folksy nature of having a little piece of racism on your front porch?
Zoophilia–We’ve had a lot of fun here today, but there’s nothing funny about fucking a horse…okay, there’s something funny about fucking a horse–especially if you do it more than once, with the same horse…like this guy. Beastiality is possibly the most intense form of animal adoration out there. Beat that, PeTA! It takes the term “dog lover” to a whole new level…truly man’s best friend.
On the other side of this is Zoosadism, a runner-up for this entry…which is essentially the thrill of seeing animals in pain. Also, this means if you’re pissed off at Michael Vick, you should probably also be against hunting, fishing, bull fighting, horse racing, and any other “sport” that provides us with a fun and exciting way to say “fuck you” to animals…without actually fucking them.
(Runners Up: Zoosadism, Zodiac Signs, Zeitgeist)
I’d like to believe that this guide will be helpful to anyone who had to ask themselves the self-depreciating question, “Should I be masturbating to this?” It’s an important question to ask before risking feeling completely miserable with guilt for the rest of your day life. If any of you have any disagreements, Runners Up, or changes you feel could be made to this very important document, please don’t hesitate to voice your opinion. It can be changed. It’s a living document…
True Blood is a show that after watching the pilot, I wasn’t overly impressed. Interesting concept, good acting, but nothing to go crazy over. I was actually very disappointed. This is produced by Alan Ball for crying out loud! The man who created Six Feet Under made this?! (which is quite possibly the most brilliant, complexly written series I’ve seen ) However, I felt there was room for potential in the series and decided to bite my tongue (no pun intended) and keep watching.
I’m on the second season now. I’m proud to say this one of the few TV shows I’ve actually made an effort to stay on top of and I haven’t missed an episode yet. My girlfriend and I are now True Blood addicts and discuss on the phone the episodes we’ve seen and what situations the characters will get into like two giddy high school girls.
The storytelling feels organic. It doesn’t feel like something borrowed (despite being based on the Sookie Stackhouse novels written by Charlaine Harris) and cliche. It has a mind of its own and it’s constantly surprising. The story just keeps getting more interesting between characters. Things get so crazy that you have doubts the writers can pull it off. They haven’t failed yet. The show carries on the myths about vampires (stakes in the heart, silver, crucifixes, day light) and brings attention to overlooked perspectives on vampires. Such as their memories, their place in history, and how that has carried over to the way certain vampires behave in the present.
It also features some new abilities such as retractable fangs that allow them to blend in with the human population (if someone tells them to say cheese, they’re not totally fucked). Vampires can “glamor” their victims and control their mind. If vamps were Jedis they would’ve won the war against the Empire in no time. Darth Vader would’ve pissed his space pants. Vampires are now organized in their community with sheriffs, kings, and other leaders who govern sections of states.
The undertones of the show are also fascinating. At the very start of the show, vampires have now “come out of the coffin” and have revealed their existence to the world. No longer working behind the scenes, they’ve now become a part of society. That’s not to say that they’re no longer taboo to humans. If anything, the human race is having an even harder time accepting vampires as something real and not myth. Because of this vampires are now in the civil rights spectrum fighting for equal rights and tolerance. Religious and racial persecution all play parts and motives within the show with such groups as the Fellowship of the Sun–a religious group that condemns vampires and supports violence against the vampire race.
The two main characters, Sookie Stackhouse played by Anna Pacquin (a human with telepathic abilities), and Bill Compton played by Stephen Moyer ( a vampire who struggles to regain his sense of humanity) are perfect examples of victims of persecution. Bill and Sookie are a couple to the dismay of both vampires and humans within the town. It may sound like something from a cheesy emo vampire novel (no sparkles included) but their story is mostly about the burden and the danger that come with being a human and vampire couple (an interracial couple during a time of extreme intolerance).
Suck it.
The characters all have their strengths and weaknesses as well as their good sides and bad sides. They all have their share of troubles, but the troubles these characters face would make Bernard Madoff blush. You’ll be saying to yourself, “Oh fuck…” a lot. All characters are likable, even the bad ones. Some you’ll cheer on more than others, like Lafayette. A bad ass cross-dressing gay cook who deals V, vampire blood that is trippier and will get you higher than the blood of Keith Richards and Jerry Garcia combined!
He’s funny, he’s loyal to his friends (whether it’s in his interest or not) and he’s not afraid to tell someone to fuck off. He gives cross dressing cooks like Barefoot Contessa a run for their money.
The action is also very good in this show. Violence is depicted raw and somewhat jaw dropping. I haven’t seen a character die of old age, disease, or in their sleep yet. We’ll put it that way.
The only problem I have with the second season so far, is the cliffhangers. Lately it’s been cliffhanger after cliffhanger. The episodes seem to stop when something insane happens (or an “oh shit!” moment, if you will..)and then you curse at the ending credits.
Then you salivate at the next episode’s preview. The second season is doing a mighty fine job of keeping you wanting more. It’ll reveal you some major plot points but not expose them completely. I’m also very excited to see the other supernatural elements in the show such as werewolves , shape shifters, and the vampires in other areas. If you haven’t seen the first season, I highly recommend you give it a watch and check out season 2. This show if taking off big time and has quite a large fan base.
Alan Ball is very good with producing shows that are far from the norm with some very intriguing story telling. You can’t go wrong. I mean, what else is out there featuring vampires? Twilight? HA!–Joe G/
Remember Matt Damon? That guy from the Borne movies whose latest opus was a song about fucking Sarah Silverman? Yeah! That one! He’s back, and he’s got a funny moustache now. In this comedy, Matt Damon plays a clueless corporate employee who is wrangled by the FBI to go undercover and reap information about his superiors’ illegal activity. I love seeing handsome serious actors play absent-minded social retards in movies.
You wouldn’t think it would be believable, but…there ya go!
Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn play so well together you almost forget you’re watching a movie. MADE didn’t have the same soul that Swingers did, but they were both so charming that I can’t take one without the other. This isn’t another Jon Favreau movie, and certainly doesn’t feel like one, but the cast makes you value Favreau for everything that he is.
The trailer allows you to take a step back, take in the relationship comedy, bright exotic colors, and learn to love what is essentially a Will Ferrell movie that he was passed up for because they didn’t want it to blow.
I guess I can appreciate that the Vampire genre is starting to be taken a little more seriously. If I were a huge Vampire fan, I’d likely be ecstatic that I can rent Twilight when I want to be a little pussy, and I can watch True Blood On Demand when I need to rub one out to fast-motion sadistic pornography.
I’m not being facetious; I really never gave a shit about Vampires in Television, Film, or Literature. To me, the draw of the Vampire story represents the subconscious need for a cheesy, dime store Romance novel combined with the excitement of watching a woman bleed to death.
So, I recognize the need to romanticize the undead. You can’t exactly do that with a Zombie…or a Werewolf, really…but Twilight: New Moon is taking a stab at beastiality.
Daybreakers is set in a world where almost everyone is a Vampire, and the few humans left must either fight or survival or be harvested for blood. It’s pretty high concept, but it looks pretty fucking cool.
Essentially, a similar story to True Blood without the epic nerd boner you get from seeing Rogue’s funbags.
It’s officially the first week of Summer, so I figured I’d bring back some quick Trailer reviews for all of you movie-lovers who are craving the sweet nectars of the potentially disappointing films that are made to look watchable by enticing advertisements.
I know that these aren’t movies that are being released in the next three months, but you’ll like these better.
Let’s dive right in to the sexy madness.
Dead Snow–Zombie Nazis?! Eat your heart out, Tarantino. You just got faced.
Untitled Michael Moore Project–Michael Moore’s slowly turning from a funny fat guy into Boss Nass from The Phantom Menace.
Zombieland–Were you one of the dozen people who saw Adventureland and thought: “You know what this movie needs? Comedy–I mean…Zombies.” Well, you fished your wish!
Cold Souls–Paul Giamatti takes the opportunity to remind us all how boring Paul Giamatti is.
Twilight: New Moon–The people who taught your underage daughters that vampires are sexy take a hot stab at beastiality. How many monsters can this girl fuck?
The Crypt–Remeber when you saw ________, and said it was the worst horror movie ever? I hope you like being wrong.
There are some gems out there. Several of them were mentioned in my last Trailer Review piece…but overall, I have to question the rationale behind a lot of these new titles.
But, you know what? I am going to see the shit out of Zombieland.
(for more from 
Why? A simple question. Why? An adverb meant to express puzzlement and curiosity. Why in the holy bejesus fuck are 
The film (I’m using that term lightly) basically steals the plot (ha, plot!) of Twilight and New Moon, with our adolescent main character Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to the city of 
Look, I like all four 
I can’t even give the film credit for spoofing 
The rest of the cast are just sore losers of look-alike competitions without any acting ability or 
Meanwhile, red-headed evil vampire Victoria (this time played by Bryce Dallas Howard) is still on the hunt for Bella after believing that she was responsible for her boyfriend’s death, which occurred in the first movie. She is building an army of new-borns, those who have recently been turned into blood-suckers, who she plans to use to slaughter Edward’s family and get to Bella to tear her freakin’ brooding head off! Nasty.
The franchise has finally reached a stage where it has seen itself for what it is and what it has become, so it has managed how to work out a way of being more respectable, being more adult about its subject matter. It was fairly clear to me that this was mostly, if not fully due to the magnificent choice of director, David Slade. I mean, this is the guy who did Hard Candy and 30 Days of Night, both of which carry very strong atmospheres, a thing which Twilight needed to further itself fully. Slade has taken this film and has made it 
And then there’s the final battle scene, the blood-suckers VS wolf-men fight from which clips have been used and thrown into TV spots which made it look overblown and simply desperate to look awesome. In the actual film, nonetheless, it does achieve this level of awesomeness it is striving for, giving the movie a fantastic finale which is both thrilling and exciting.
