A while back, I started a weekly article series called “Trailers of the Week.” Not a very captivating title, but it did the job. Needless to say, I’ve been slacking. All my effort has gone into the Super Dudes Power Squad web-show (first motherfucking episode done, btw) and I’ve missed out on (what Johnny On The Spot Employees would call) “a Tidal Wave of Shit.”
This accurately describes the list of far-too-many movies that are coming out. Most of them (hopefully) will slip by unnoticed. It seems that movie theaters today have more strict standards than movie Producers. If the movie isn’t going to sell, they don’t show it. I can’t fully blame the studios though…I have to blame the dickwads who actually choose to see this garbage.
But, without further rambling, here’s what’s coming out in a Theater Near You…I’ve watched the trailers so you don’t have to see the movies!
There are a few diamonds mixed in there…such as…Watchmen and…maybe a FUNNY re-telling of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN–Going to be one of those kids’ movies that children watch over and over with their dullard parents who are just waiting to see the Rock put one of them through a table.
G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA–Felt the same nostalgia about the Transformers movie, I guess…and was let down even though I refused to see it in theaters. I’ll wait until they make the Stretch Armstrong movie.
FAST & FURIOUS–Is this a re-make of a movie that came out less than 10 fucking years ago…or just the same movie with an ampersand in the title?
17 AGAIN–If Zach Efron looks like a young Matthew Perry, then I look like a blossoming Helen Mirren.
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN–As if Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais weren’t given enough opportunities to publicly shout: “Hey, I know other celebrities!”
EDEN LOG–The story of the first shit Adam ever took in Eve’s mouth, told in a series of blacks and greens.
CRANK 2–Takes place right after Crank (the first) and just in case you forgot what happened in the first one (or were smart enough to skip it), it’s the exact same fucking movie.
MY LIFE IN RUINS–Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? No? Let’s keep it that way.
MISS MARCH–This movie comes out in a few days, but fuck it…watching the preview makes me want to go into hibernation and take the title’s advice.
SUGAR–Just in time for people to stop giving a shit about baseball.
PLANET 51–My only thought is that the film makers are trying to catch the run-off crowd of children too afraid to see Monsters vs Aliens and who need another movie where The Rock plays a pussy.
THE SOLOIST–Jamie Foxx and Robert Downy Jr. in: Please Give Me an Oscar. My Eyes are Closed on the Poster for Christ’s Sake!
SUPER CAPERS–For those who thought Sky High was over their heads.
ELEVEN MINUTES–If it were a comedy, it’d be genius. But it’s a documentary that ends up being “A Day in the Life of a Dramatic Homosexual Who Thinks His Life is Hell on Earth” despite the fact that he’s doing exactly what he wants.
EVERLASTING MOMENTS–I was going to watch this trailer, and then I was distracted by Britney Spears wet and naked on EXTRA.
LAND OF THE LOST–Could potentially be funny if you could somehow find yourself as highas Sid and Marty Krofft…but that’s impossible.
PARIS 36–Dear France, we Americans “don’t get” you. Please stop sending us shit like this.
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN–I’d see the movie if it were called TRANSFORMER: MICHAEL BAY THROWS HIMSELF INTO ONE.
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123–Tony Scott is the master of looking deeper into things that nobody gives a shit about.
ENLIGHTEN UP!–A guy does stretches in America and India while I sit on my ass and laugh at him while I stuff my face with food until I have no energy left to leave the house.
DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION–If you’re old enough to be a fan of the show, you should be old enough to know not to spend your money on this piece of shit.
GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST–I decided that I couldn’t bring myself to watch this trailer and not want to jump into a meat-grinder…so, I decided that you can check it out for yourself…because I don’t mind if you’re rendered infertile by this bullshit.
LOVE THE BEAST–A 2-hour camera-phone video of Eric Bana fucking the tailpipe of his first car would be significantly more entertaining. Also, if you need to list the celebrities that appear in a documentary about YOU, you’re not famous enough to have a documentary about you.
BABYSITTER WANTED–“Get ready for one of the best films you’ve seen all year.”–Someone who is either Developmentally Disabled or Tragically Right.
THE EDUCATION OF CHARLIE BANKS–Fred Durst proves that he can direct a made-for-tv special. It’s like he mimics what none of us want to see. If he really was trying to do that, he would bring his “sex tape” to the big screen. Weird how respectable he looks doing so though**…
ANGELS & DEMONS–The DaVinci Code without funny hair and Albinos. So, in short: no reason to see it.
*That’s drugs, not the toy.
**Not a link to his sex video.