Endnote: The rules for films eligible for inclusion on this list are exactly the same as stated in the Best of 2011 list.
Tag Archives: top ten
Like any year in the exciting and ever-changing world of film, 2010 has certainly had its miserable stinkers. Over the past 12 months, my love of cinema has been bashed over the head at an alarming rate with worrisome additions to theatrical schedules. Some have been laughable, some have been boring, and a hefty amount have baffled me as to how they were even green-lighted in the first place. But there are some that really stood out to me as truly monstrous pieces of work that have horrified audiences in all the worst ways. And so, I’ve compiled a list of the top ten movies of 2010 I consider to be the most abominable of the lot. Avoid these at all costs.
10. “The Wolfman“
One of the biggest disappointments in recent memory, this gothic horror is less spooky than a newborn baby giggling away in the comfort of its own crib. Joe Johnston‘s “The Wolfman,” a remake of the George Waggner original, has Benicio del Toro wandering around in Victorian England before being bitten by a werewolf and turned into one himself. So much potential, yet such poor execution. It’s tiresome, lifeless, and needlessly gloomy. Still, Anthony Hopkins looked to be having hammy fun as del Toro’s estranged papa.
9. “The Bounty Hunter“
Even if you were to pump laughing gas into every orifice of my body while I sat and watched “The Bounty Hunter,” you still wouldn’t manage to make me laugh. Gerard Butler is a bounty hunter who finds himself on the job of tracking down his ex-wife, played by Jennifer Aniston. Hilarious (ha!) shenanigans occur as the ex-couple plummet towards snogging each other at the end. Oh, did I spoil it for you? Tediously unfunny star-parade that’s almost as grating as Butler’s American accent.
8. “Furry Vengeance“
Any film with “furry” in the title should be treated with caution, and none more so than this eco-friendly kiddie comedy. Slapstick shenanigans occur when wild animals (who can communicate with each other through think bubbles) fight back against businessman Brendan Fraser for trying to demolish their homely forest. Thrusting environmental messages down your gagging throat with every millisecond of its overlong running time, “Furry Vengeance” was another misfire in Fraser’s shaky career. Chin up though, Brendan. I’m sure there’s another “Mummy” movie waiting for you.
7. “Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassins’ Ball“
With “Smokin’ Aces” taking high reign amongst my list of favourite films, it was especially uncomfortable for me to watch it get callously cut to pieces and pasted back together again in the form of this copy-cat follow-up. FBI desk jockey Tom Berenger is told he has a high price on his head, and so is rushed to a top-secret location with the authorities to hide from an array of money-hungry assassins. Sound familiar? Slothfully recreating every single plot point from its ludicrously fun predecessor to terrible effect, this sloppy straight-to-DVD sequel was a tiring chore to watch; even with Vinnie Jones as one of the baddies.
Who said basing a film on a one-panel newspaper comic strip would be a bad idea? Anyone with a brain, I’d guess. “Marmaduke,” a fly-covered dog turd of a movie, is a boring snooze-o-rama about a talking Great Dane (voiced by Owen Wilson) who moves to California with his human family. Stuff happens with other dogs, it’s all so drab, the mouth-moving CGI is creepy, and wake me up when the end credits start rolling. Down boy, down! Sit! Left paw! Right paw! Good boy! Play dead! Now stay dead.
5. “My Soul to Take“
Wes Craven’s unscary retread of past slasher horrors is less memorable than it is dull. The “Nightmare on Elm Street” director filled this bore of a stupid-teen killer with talk of souls and resurrection, which all sound pretty neat and cutting-edge, yet the movie itself is tired and monotonous. Without soul, you might say. With a lame villain, laughable script, and insipid main characters, “My Soul to Take” plunged a knife into the heart of Craven’s once-respected career. “Scream 4” looks to be in trouble.
4. “Cop Out“
Ah, the film that made me question Kevin Smith’s talents as a filmmaker. Smith ranted on his Twitter page about how critcs were unneeded and unwanted once they rightfully gnawed their teeth into his latest cinematic effort, but what he failed to understand was that they were very much correct in their harsh-but-fair bashing. Dire and nigh unwatchable, this tedious buddy cop comedy is less funny than having diarrhoea injected into your eyeballs, with not even the constant presence of the illustrious Bruce Willis able to make this horribly-written stinker the least bit entertaining. Yippie-kay-yay, Kevin Smith. Fat bastard.
3. “Sex and the City 2“
Obnoxious, annoying, irritating, abhorrent, repugnant, loathsome, pointless drivel. Subtlety does not appear in “Sex and the City 2“‘s strawberry-scented dictionary; instead, words like “overlong,” “insensitive,” “ditzy” and “nauseating” are listed in pink, sparkly text. Lazily sending its caricature cast to Abu Dhabi to buy handbags, shoes, and act like total sluts, “Sex and the City 2″ did more to set women back than empower them. Judging by what I’ve watched of the beloved TV series on which this is based, the second big-screen outing of the independent gals is a deep-reaching cunt punt to its much-worshipped name. Piss off, girls, and take your shitty movie with you.
2. “Fred: The Movie“
To say that “Fred: The Movie” is an excruciating ordeal to sit through simply would not justify the unadulterated savagery of such a harrowing experience. Made-for-TV in the US (though somehow it got a theatrical release in the UK), this mind-boggling disaster marks the first (and hopefully last) feature-length outing for the YouTube phenomenon known as Fred Figglehorn, portrayed by Lucas Cruikshank. He’s a teenager with a stalkerish infatuation with his female neighbour, he has an unendurable squeaky voice, he never shuts the hell up, and I want him to be crushed to death under the weight of a school bus. Kids these days.
1. “Vampires Suck“
And now we come to the big, rotten, festering cheese. From the makers of (sigh) “Date Movie,” “Disaster Movie,” “Epic Movie” and “Meet the Spartans” came yet another laugh-free, fart-filled spoof in the form of this half-assed “Twilight” parody. Unbearably unfunny and a thousand times worse than what it is meant to be mocking (without any effort put in), “Vampires Suck” is an agonizing 76-minute-long showcase in how not to make an audience laugh. Utterly torturous, and one of the most useless contributions to celluloid since John Travolta dressed up as a Jamaican extraterrestrial in “Battlefield Earth.” The only thing amusing here is the irony of the title.
If you’ve ever used the Internet to any reasonable extent, you’ve probably seen tabloid photos of your favorite (or least favorite) celebs and thought “Wow, they’re really just…normal fucking people.” The beauty of this, of course, is that the more famous they are, the more enjoyable it is to see them fall…it’s just human nature.
One thing we all have in common (hopefully) with celebrities is our terrible Yearbook photos. Nobody likes the way they look in retrospect. Ever. Even if you take a picture of yourself and look back at it, your brain will fire off: “Christ, I looked like shit 20 seconds ago.”
Many many websites feature Yearbook Photos of famous people, but some of them are just…too normal. I don’t get what’s funny about seeing Brad Pitt back when he was in high school, looking exactly like he does now. It’s just not amusing. What is amusing is watching people who looked ridiculous in High School attempting to compensate for that by becoming an in-your-face Media Monster.
And that’s what this is all about.
10. Paris Hilton
Honestly, anything I could say about Paris Hilton has already been said. She looks like that girl in class that all the other girls are jealous of, but also never want to become. She’d come in to school and go “ew, where did you get that backpack?”
9. Renee Zellweger
We all had our terrible class pictures, bad hairstyles, and “what the fuck was I thinking?” moments. But Renee Zellweger’s yearbook photo looks like a mug shot. It looks like it should read: Suspect Wanted for the Murder of Boyfriend, Parents. Consider armed and dangerous.She’s a very attractive woman…sometimes. I guess if you’ve ever seen her smile, making that face you do when you try to stuff as many Sour Patch Kids in your mouth as possible, you’d realized why she’s not smiling here.
8. Adam Lambert
It’s almost cheating to call Adam Lambert a celebrity, but I found this photo amusing. I assume it was clipped from the local newspaper and separated from the headline that read: “Local Boy Fits 19 Hot Dogs in Mouth.”
The question “What the fuck happened to Prince The Artist Formerly Known as Prince The Artist?” gets thrown around a lot these days. The tragedy is that there is no reasonably satisfying answer.
6. Lady Gaga
The music industry always has a way of combating itself…backing itself into corners and then fucking its way out. It seems like Lady Gaga was its way of combating the brief but seemingly interminable fame of Susan Boyle. In exchange for an ogre with the voice of an angel, they gave us a hipster hottie with the musical appeal of that Crazy Frog*.
*reference too vague? Fine…here. But I warned you.
5. Billy Bob Thornton
Was Billy Bob Thornton always an asshole, or did he turn into one once he became a “musician?” I suppose when you spend your childhood being “that kid,” having people on your dick 24/7 makes you trip over your ego. I’m not saying that Billy Bob isn’t a quality actor, but…(I don’t know how to finish that sentence and don’t know why I started it)
4. Marilyn Manson
He hasn’t changed much, has he? Brian Hugh Warner represents the American Dream. You can be an unattractive, awkward son of a bitch and still be a heart throb to overweight girls wearing your XXL T-Shirts from Hot Topic. I can’t honestly rag on Manson too much, because he’s such a nice guy…and it’s really not surprising when rock mega-stars sell-out and become a blurb in Rolling Stone after 10 years.
3. Steven Tyler
Why so serious, Mr. Tyler? Aerosmith enjoyed an unprecedented period of popularity. Gene Simmons had the tongue. Little Stevey Tyler had the lips. What a time to be alive. I don’t have much to say about Tyler, or Aerosmith, except that if you’re that one lonely guy living in the past who actually bought Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, don’t worry. Society may be able to forgive you.
2. Lil Jon
You always wonder why certain people have such “in your face” personalities. Hip Hop icons tend to be some of the most “in your face” celebrities for some reason. My reasoning was that the culture, style, and attitude called for that kind of super-aggressive behavior. The gold chains, loose clothes, hot cars, and loose women all lend towards making your character larger than life. But now I know the truth…big personalities come from growing up looking like you shit yourself all the time.
1. Ryan Seacrest
In Ryan Seacrest’s defense, he really turned into a good looking guy. This kid, on the other hand, looks like “the fat one” in any kids’ movie you could think of. At least now, Seacrest is the host of a show in which he has the power to tear apart social rejects as mercilessly as I’m sure everyone in his life did to him. This kid was picked last for damn near everything. He would break out in tears in the middle of class and call the teacher “mommy.” His life was a living hell.
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Well, those times are gone, but thankfully not forgotten. It’s always important to look back on how far we’ve come and still yearn for a repeat of the days when this was considered appropriate advertising…
Remember when women weren’t really people, but simply tiny-brained dartboards to which Mad Men could aim their wares? Oh, to be old again…
Now I know where my Grandfather’s coming from.
A good message is presented here. We all make mistakes. Some are little mistakes; like burning dinner. Some are slightly larger, like marrying an alcoholic.
Basically, our grandparents’ way of saying “No Fat Chicks.”
It’s like every husband is a mini-Santa Claus who just wants to bitching to stop. Fair enough.
I’m really not sure what this advertisement is trying to say…Postal employees deserve to die? Gingers aren’t really people? Both?
The Mini Automatic. For simple driving. So easy, a woman could do it! Oh, wait…
I knew there had to be one that actually SAID it…If she’s strong enough to open that Ketchup bottle, she should have the tolerance to pluck those eyebrows.
I’d rather just have the Kenwood. The soul-sucking harpy that’s fused to his body doesn’t seem worth the laziness.
It’s a nice thought to keep the family active around the house, but judging by the over-excessive animated corroboration, it seems more like domestic abuse.
Does anything say “Men are better than women” like two burly men in gay sweaters and knee socks trekking up to the tallest local precipice to dispose of their wives? I doubt it.
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