via MeowLittleMuffin. I have no idea what to say about this. I’m literally at a loss for words. This is either the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen, or the scariest and most inappropriate. Combining Barney and To Catch a Predator with a big yellow dinosaur dressed up like Horatio Caine busting up violent pedophiles seems like such a simple idea, it’s a wonder it wasn’t thought up a long time ago. Or was it? Honestly, I have no idea. This is seriously the most bizarre thing I’ve seen in a long time, but I totally want that CAN’T FOOL ME shirt.
Heyyyyyyy….. I am Julia Bond, adult film star. I am a little crazy, a little wild, and always unpredictable. That’s just me. Me describing an average day in my life may seem unreal, but this is my life and I love it. My life is one big risk. Whether I am singing karaoke in Baskin Robbins, jumping a 12 foot high fence at midnight, or trying to buy weed seed’s at Home Depot. This is a just a boring ole day in my life, running errands.
Soon as I wake up I look at myself in the mirror. You know, with all this global warming taking place who knows the next thing it’s gonna affect? I have Dr. 90210′s number on speed dial just in case.
Once I am ready to take on my day, I am out the house. I have such a short attention span; I am always looking for trouble to get into. I live for exciting moments.
Once I have a thought, I go for it. I never have second thoughts. That is how all of my tattoos happened. Crazy days for a crazy lady.
I must warn you that what I am about to say may be disturbing, cause hair loss and age spots. That was my little disclaimer so: No Suing Me Allowed!
Ahhh, a day in my life….. ALWAYS starts off with my morning video for my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/iamjuliabond. I have the best YouTube fans in the world.
After my video is all done, I head for the door. My crazy brain is always thinking of ideas for my YouTube channel. Since I am not a housewife by any means, I rarely cook….okay NEVER cook. Restaurants around town love me. After today I think I am banned from Denny’s and Baskin Robbins.
I am really going to have to put on my list of things to do, “Get friends who will feed me”.
As soon as I walked into Denny’s can you believe someone asked me if I was Carrot Top(?!)!! Silly Willy’s. I have to admit I was a little disappointed with this Denny’s. Old fries and a waitress that has never been seen since.
She took our order then served our food and disappeared like in a Criss Angel magic show. Now everyone might not know that Julia Bond needs her ice cream shake after she eats so I head to Baskin Robbins. I’m not sure what Baskin Robbins does for you, but some times they play the best elevator music in them. I couldn’t help myself and just had to dance.
I tried to open the freezer doors where they keep the ice cream cakes, but they were locked! I wanted to reenact the hard nipple scene from the movie King Pin. Nipples with a little frostbite is always sexy.
I started worrying what kind of neighborhood I was in where even ice cream cakes were not safe. I had to high tail it out of there. I could have been sold on the black market, or even worse: the swap meet.
There is no time to waste. Today is flying by here. I have so many errands I have to run I don’t know where to start. My next destination is the Disneyland for coupon cashers: WALMART. There is so much you can do there. Is it an auto body shop, grocery store, and nail salon?!?!?! It’s everything! As soon as I walked in I had a few stalkers. I felt their eyes all over me.
Here I am just trying to get my check list done and I was being followed. When I turned around all their eyes went in different directions, pretending to be interested in the items closest to them. Could they all be into scented candles? I think not. Finally I asked them if they knew me. All of a sudden they are all Helen Keller.
Write me a note! Something! I would have tried to speak to them more, but I had just spotted my next victim…oh, I mean “errand”—a man named Wilbur with the brightest shirt in all of the West Coast. He was on his cell phone. I think he was on PartyLine or Psychic Network. With the cameras on, I kindly demanded him to get off.
I needed him to be the 1st guest on Julia Bond Takes It To The Streets.
Being a nice girl, I asked if I could interview him for my show. I asked him if he could spell “sex.” He then proceeded to spell SEX, “S.E.X.O.” It was at this point where the interview went from good to great. My YouTube channel just went bilingual! After a few questions about him masturbating, things went from entertaining to serious.
Mr. Wilbur (if that was his real name) admitted to having his girlfriend in his trunk. I felt like I was hosting the show To Catch A Predator. I should have known, being that Walmart is directly across the street from Baskin Robbins, once again, I would have to run for my life.
When the sun starts to go down I start turning into my alter ego: Rude Ruth. If you thought Julia was bad then you are not ready for Rude Ruth. She has crazy written all over her. I try to keep her locked away in a cage, but she is tricky. It was her idea to start my One Hit Wonders videos. While I was driving and mass texting, Rude Ruth came out and said one thing….”music video”.
That had to be the best idea of the day. Lucky for me I carry booty shorts, corsets, and pearls in my purse at all times. You just never know when I might need them. I say, “better safe then sorry.” Now—Location! I had a few in mind, but how would I make my Daily Diary videos if I am in jail? Think, Julia, THINK! It was about 11:30pm when I found it…
The perfect location with lighting that could be used in a Spice Girls video. There is only one problem….a 12 foot fence. It’s okay; I mean, I do have Rude Ruth on my side. This fence is nothing. Big Deal!
I put one foot in the chain link and am quickly reminded that I am not 12 years old anymore. What happened to the saying “Once you ride a bike you’ll always know how?” Shouldn’t that go for fences too?
So climbing a fence is a little harder than I remember. I’m pretty tough so I took my shoes off and used my little monkey feet to hop over that fence like I was in the Olympics. It took me 4 tries and 15 minutes, but who’s counting?
Okay I was now in the local high school’s campus. My partner in crime, Annette, started filming me in front of a school building which actually ended up being someone’s house… My 1st music video was born. I was shaking it like I was on Star Search. That was until our little peeping Tom in the house called 911…
We ran across the school and over the fence Mission Impossible style. I’m now in the car putting my NASCAR driving experience to use all the way home.
It is now 1:15 in the morning and I am back at the one I can’t wait to get out of every morning, but the only place I can’t wait to be when I’m exhausted….my home.
I look at myself in the mirror one more time expecting to see the work of global warming, but I was lucky today. My bed, my pillows, my sheets are all calling for me. Saying, “Julia! Drop that dress on the floor and come to me.” I must listen.
Before I say goodnight I Twitter “Sweet Dreams” to my fans. You all make my day every day and make me that much crazier. Love me or hate me; I am simply me.
It’s a fairly safe bet that if you’ve ever seen or heard of television, you’ve come across To Catch a Predator at some point. Unfortunately, I’ve willingly subjected myself to a Sunday Marathon and volunteered for the spectator sport of Predator-Nabbing.
After viewing an unarguably unhealthy amount of Dateline‘s hilariously repetitive “investigative journalism,” I’ve noticed quite a few interesting elements that I thought I’d share with all of you fine people.
To Catch a Predator: The 5-Step Plan
Sorry, Bears. She's 18.
Step 1. Find a strong-willed girl over 18 to have non-stop cyber sex with creepers
Aside from the handful of occasions where the wide-eyed gentlemen had been trolling the internets for young boys, all of the scary middle-agers are after high school girls; which, as we learned from Dazed and Confused, stay the same age no matter how old you get.
Chris Hansen seems to always have a young woman put herself and her potentially weak stomach at risk having them pretend to be either a teen girl or boy and put on a virtual show. It seems odd that they would need an actual young woman to trick these near-retarded rednecks into a sex-sting…but maybe that’s just me reading too much into it.
The unforgivable individuals who are 30 and over truly have no excuse; but I’m watching Chris Hansen bust 20-year-olds who are expecting to hang out with a dirty-talking slutty 16 year old…something seems somewhat off about that.
Consider for a moment that if your parents are more than 3 or 4 years apart and met when she was still in High School…and this show existed…Daddy could very well have been in the hot seat.
If you're obese, you can't run away!
Step 2. Don’t concentrate on sex appeal; go right for the McDonald’s
Chris Hansen knows that if there’s anything rednecks love more than degenerative sex, it’s fast food and sweet tea!
After an unprecedented marathon of frightened hillbillies, I noticed that a majority of them brought McDonald’s bags to the chick’s “house” and are greeted with either Sweet Tea or Cookies.
If it wasn’t bad enough that each and every one of these sons of the soil was overweight and developmentally disabled, they have to give a bad name to fast food junkies everywhere as well.
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen; and if you like cheap, greasy food, you’re a pedophile.”
After this method failed, they went for the live busts.
Step 3. Show those creepers and pederasts you’ve got a quick wit
The moment that Chris Hansen pops out and greets the potential offender is the most priceless several seconds television may ever offer…and he always has something clever to say.
“I guess I wasn’t the surprise you had in mind!”
I only wish NBC would take a lesson from Ashton Kutcher and have the men look into the camera at the end and say “I just got Predator’d!”
He's got a gun! He's got a gun! Nope, just a taco and some condoms.
Step 4. Make sure you have a team of 20 cops to take the fucker down like he’s a 300 pound Grizzly
I fully understand that all precautions must be taken, and that any of these perverts could potentially be very dangerous; but when you see 30 cops slam a tubby computer nerd holding a Taco Bell bag onto the pavement, you almost feel bad for him.
I don’t want to sound like I’m defending the hypothetical sex that these individuals would have with a hypothetical underage girl, but their idiotic hypothetical crimes of passion don’t seem worthy of treating them as if they just broke out of prison and robbed a bank.
Look, dudes, you made a horrific mistake that you hopefully won’t be making again any time in the foreseeable future; but just for future reference, here’s some friendly advice…
…the only two ways you can get away with legally diddling kids are if you’re either a fundamentalist Muslim or if you’re Joseph, the father of Jesus, who left a life of being part of a royal bloodline just so he could bone a 13-year-old paranoid schizophrenic.
...Guess I wasn't the Surprise you had in mind!
Step 5. Be Chris Hansen
All kidding aside, the only person who could get away with this kind of hilarious entrapment is Mr. Hansen himself. Police encourage you not to try to be a Predator-Catcher on your own time, unless you want to cover yourself in mud and hide in the jungle. Pedophiles can sense your body heat.
Maybe you should start emulating Joey Greco from Cheaters. At least then you don’t have to dig through the personal belongings of people who live in their fucking trucks.
