from (company). To put some context in of how horrified I was with this trailer, it was played in the movie theater prior to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.
from (company). To put some context in of how horrified I was with this trailer, it was played in the movie theater prior to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows part 2.
All good things must come to an end, right? When something good ends prematurely, it is often missed the most. When it is out of your control, it is that much more frustrating. This goes for jobs, experiences, friendships, and really anything that is finite. Especially good TV shows.
As a kid, my tastes were simple. I liked PB&J’s, The Power Rangers, and a nice coloring book. I was a bit behind on my career path to be Batman because my parents hadn’t been murdered at an opera yet, but was still pretty sure it would work out. The older I got, the more diverse my tastes became. I started enjoying more exotic foods and left behind the silly pipe dream of becoming Batman. Spiderman was much cooler.
I moved from Power Rangers to Spongebob (although Spongebob still holds up to this day) and from Spongebob to Arrested Development. If you haven’t watched this show, stop reading this right now, punch yourself in the mouth, and go watch all three seasons.
Now, I know the show is very popular and that the majority of those who have seen it like it. This post is for those people, the few and aggressively proud, who hate the show like it stole their bike during their childhood. I’m not sure if these people are just anti-critically acclaimed things or if they just cannot understand the humor that is presented to them in an original, fun way.
I think what annoys me the most about the people who don’t like the show, is their dismissiveness of it. One of my favorite reviews of it was on a message board from when the program was still on TV. Someone named “Pirates of Piss Ants” says “I’ll give it a week more of my attention.” Thank God he told us! I’m sure creator of the show Mitchell Hurwitz was scouring the internet in 2003 looking for someone with a username that is a pun based off of an opera from the 1800s. If I don’t like a show, I just don’t watch it. I’m not so arrogant that I give my jackass opinion, while seemingly threatening those involved with the show with the idea that I might stop watching.
There is also a facebook group called “Arrested Development SUCKS!” It has 36 members, about half of whom are fans of the show and joined so they could argue with the group’s creators. The office address given for the group (like it needs one?) is so hilariously described as, “your moms house”. Clearly these men cannot be bothered with watching an Emmy award winning comedy when they’re still making mom jokes and probably aging their own beef jerky.
I haven’t given up on television altogether, though. There are still some amazing shows on, some just as good as Arrested Development. Louie, Delocated, Children’s Hospital, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, Community, and Modern Family are all truly hilarious and deserve to be watched. I assure you none of these shows SUCK, and you will give them more than one week of your attention if you are not a jerk.
I’m not the first person to point this out, but Jersey Shore has filmed 4 seasons. That is one more than Arrested Development. I understand that Jersey Shore is probably cheaper to produce, but this makes me sad. I weep for the viewing audience, because they will be watching yet another season of garbage sealed into human skin suits making fools of themselves. I also weep because I just stubbed my toe, and I am a pussy. These are dark times my friends, dark times indeed.
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It’s been a hell-of-a-year for amazing television, and epic finales. You may have missed some of the highlights, but I’ll do my best to fill you in. Plus, you can probably find all of these shows for free on the internet anyway…shh…
Treme–Set in the New Orleans neighborhood of Treme, this show gives us a look at the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina through the eyes of various characters seeking refuge through the arts (mainly music) as they all battle personal demons. The show was created by David Simon (The Wire) and the formula works just as well here. Compared to other HBO and other cable dramas, Treme packs a more subtle punch. Rather than deliver the intensity on a silver platter, Treme lets it all sink in–feel what the characters are feeling–and top it all off with some of the best music you’re likely to hear on television. (Season 1 ended recently, but there’s still plenty of time to catch up before Season 2)
Party Down–Starz? Has anyone ever watched anything on Starz that wasn’t a shitty Rob Schneider movie, or worse: Spartacus: Blood and Sand? Well, here’s a diamond in the diarrhea. Party Down has–for two seasons so far–been consistently one of the funniest and cleverest shows that I’ve seen in awhile. While the writers borrow heavily from other comedic masterpieces like Arrested Development, this show makes it work, and sparks with originality. And most of all, it will create more quotable lines than Superbad–but it won’t be played-the-fuck-out nearly as fast.
True Blood–When the show first aired, I thought it was just a chick thing; some trashy romance with supernatural beefcakes biting, licking, and proving their big balls on the playground. Oh, and I wasn’t wrong…but there’s a lot more to it than that. The atmosphere of the show is brilliant (even if the mythology is stale and childish). I literally had to watch every single episode before I even made up my mind if I liked it or not, and the truth is: I don’t really know. Season 3 has just begun and it’s already giving off a Twilight-for-grown-ups-(but not really, because you’re still watching a gay show about vampires) vibe. I feel gay watching it; you should feel gay watching it. But don’t stop watching it.
The IT Crowd–Here’s one you have to check out. Season 4 just started and it’s just as funny as ever. The IT Crowd was given to us by our friends over in the UK, and yes, it is a fairly broad-based sitcom. If I could compare it to anything over here, I would say The Big Bang Theory, although it is worlds better. The story focuses on (what else?) the 3 people who work in the I.T. department of a major company–2 “Standard Nerds” and a young ginger woman who is hired to head their department and keep them in line. Lots of laughs, lots of smart humor, and Richard Ayoade is a genius.
Hung–This is an interesting concept for a show because it centers around a ruggedly handsome, recently divorced man (Tom Jane) with a huge cock. His day job is a gym teacher at his kids’ school, and they adore him. He gets all the ass he can handle and his children don’t resent him, but he’s still unhappy. So, what’s a man to do? If your answer was: become a male escort, then you might enjoy this show even more than you thought! Does it make complete logical sense? No. But it is a wonderful story of a sensitive and ruggedly handsome man’s uphill struggle with being knee-deep in poon. Check it out.
Toy Story 3–It’s official. Toy Story is now a trilogy…and what a trilogy! I think the timing of Toy Story 2 cut back on its appreciation value. Toy Story was a smash hit because nothing like it had ever been done before. Toy Story 2 was released in 1999 when nobody gave a shit anymore, and thus, decided it was only a mediocre film. Now that 3D and computer animated films are so commonplace that studios can shit one out during an extended lunch break, the genre needs to step up its game to be appealing to everyone. Toy Story 3 was a masterpiece and a perfect way to end the series (or begin a new one). It was released at just the right time: 15 years after the first installment. This means that those who grew up with the original can get all sad and nostalgic with the finale–and that the children of those who grew up with the original can sit behind me in the theater and scream at the top of their fucking lungs. Watch Toy Story and Toy Story 2 and you’ll appreciate them a lot more…and enjoy this final chapter in the theater at a time when all those fucking kids are asleep.
Get Him to the Greek–While it’s difficult to decide if this is going to be a shitty Summer for movies, a few gems do emerge. Get Him to the Greek is by no means a “gem,” but it is a good time. If there’s any feeling I hate, it’s going to a restaurant and ordering something new that you’ve never tried before, only to find out that you hate it and now you’re out $20 and you’re still fucking hungry. If there’s another feeling I hate, it’s wasting money on a shitty movie. I try to choose wisely based on reviews, personal gut-reaction, and mood. So it was a tough decision when it came down to Grown Ups or Get Him to the Greek. But I think I made a logical and well-thought-out decision that any rational and sane person would make. Would you like a quirky spin-off to an obviously amazing Judd Apatow flick…or a PG-rated poop-joke fest filled with every actor you’ve ever tried to avoid.
Scott Pilgrim VS the World–Yeah, yeah, we know–this movie doesn’t come out for awhile, but we’re still watching it…like a hawk. If you’re a self-described nerd and you’re shying away from this Summer movie, shame on you. But still, be wary. I’ve never been disappointed by the Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz crew before, but this is an American movie, and all bets are off. If nothing else, it will be an enjoyable and unique experience–but it has several superhero/comic book bars set in the silliness category. Can it outdo Kick-Ass? If not, we’ll always have Inception.
A funny thing happened while channel-surfing today. Do people still use that term? “Channel Surfing?” Anyways, when I say “funny,” I mean: horrifying. If there is true evil in the world, its name is Minute To Win It.
NBC in their infinite wisdom has picked up on a sure-thing: a game show that’s so frustrating to watch, people are actually tuning out. Not only have they decided not to pick up any good television, but they purge themselves of the good shows they used to have, and then pick up shows so terrible that you have to force yourself to avoid it at all costs.
For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, Minute To Win It is a game show hosted by celebrity “chef,” host, and T.G.I. Friday’s enthusiast Guy Fieri that combines the sadistic urge to watch every day people perform impossible stunts with the masochistic notion of forcing yourself to watch it.
The trials contestants endure to win semi-decent amounts of money aren’t degrading, death-defying, or even interesting. They have to stack cups, knock over pins, throw bean-bags, bounce balls, and humor Guy Fieri…all within minute-long segments as their prize money increases.
It’s almost like Nickelodeon’s Double Dare with no trivia, no humor, and no entertaining physical challenges (unless you count Guy Fieri–seriously, the man’s a fucking cartoon).
The show capitalizes on the American sense of “I could do that! Why am I not on this show?” Game shows like Jeopardy and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? offer reward for intelligence. Sporting events reward athletic ability. Minute To Win It rewards menial tasks and expects that a large audience will continue to tune in to participate in the “fun.”
What else is on? Well, if you’re not watching LOST, you’re probably still watching American Idol; and if you’re not watching network TV, you’re probably watching Netflix or the multitude of free programming online.
If you’re not watching anything, count your blessings–because at least you’ll know that there’s absolutely no chance that you may accidentally tune in to Minute To Win It.
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You probably wake up around the time she does. Not really by choice, that’s just when the alarm goes off. You’re practically conditioned at this point, you couldn’t stay asleep past 6:30 if you tried, and believe me, you could really try most days…
As she gets ready for work, you lay in bed, thinking to yourself that you really should get up, stay in that work-mode habit that the rest of the world seems to be in. Yeah, right. Fuck that. If you aren’t going to work, you might as well enjoy staying in bed and going back to sleep for a few more hours. But you know you won’t. Your brain is already awake, going back to sleep is pretty pointless. Too much to think about. What sites to check out today, how to cope with the boredom after you’ve combed over the half dozen new job postings that you’re either over or under qualified for. You think about these things instead of doing them, for some reason. The most unproductive of all activities, you lay in bed and ponder what you’re going to do, or perhaps going to avoid doing. Other options creep into your head. Stay in bed all day, too boring. Drink all day, too expensive. Video games all day, been there. It’s getting as expired as watching yet another daily dose of Judge Judy would get. You look over at the clock. It’s finally 9, or maybe 10. You realize most productive people in the world are already working hard at their jobs. Not just that 8:15-get-to-work-and-kill-30-minutes-on-the -coffee-and-bullshit-mode, but actually doing productive things that contribute to society. You’re loafing in bed. You grab your laptop. Thank god someone took the time to invent that thing. You check your favorite news aggregators, google news, digg, and so on, hoping against hope that today would bring good news of economic recovery, a public works project, the expansion of Unemployment Coverage to recent college grads, but nothing. Kim Jong Il this, Michael Vick that. You open a half dozen articles, thinking you’ll be entertained by them, only to grow tired of them a few sentences in. You check the social networking sites, hoping a long-lost friend messaged you, maybe having that perverse notion that some long lost love interest is romanticizing over you, even though you’re more than happy with where you are in life. Well, at least in relationship terms. Myspace, facebook, livejournal, deadjournal, blurty, some days you check the sites you joined 5, 8, 10 years ago and have abandoned shortly thereafter. Hoping something has changed…maybe some new excitement pops up. It doesn’t. You dwell on facebook, the only one of those god awful sites that is actually somewhat useful. A comment here, a poke there. Nothing useful after all. Nothing entertaining. Are any friends online to chat with? No, they’re at work, of course. The days of constant friends online to chat with at all hours of the day are long gone. You’ve known this for some time, of course, but it still stings. You grow restless, checking sports sites, gaming websites, anything you can think of that you might be interested in. But you’ve seen it all before. Wikipedia is stale with articles you’ve already glanced through, grabbing whatever tidbits of information your wandering mind picks up. You wander to your favorite pornographic and otherwise explicit non-pornographic sites, which you immediately realize will do little more than bore you as much as the rest of the internet does. Your laptop battery dies, far sooner than it should. You realize your laptop is ancient by modern standards, of course it is. You got it your freshman year of college. It was a beast. Unstoppable, invincible. Then again, so were you. You realize the irony of then, plug in your computer, and consider sitting near naked at your desk to continue your miserable morning, but you eventually head to the shower.
The shower isn’t as refreshing when you’re already awake. When you’re still half asleep, the shower is your wakeup. It’s like being baptized every day, a new life given to you with water. Not today, not lately. The showers you usually enjoy are little more than another stale routine in your day. You smell nice, and you have to dry off. Lather, rinse, repeat. Brush the teeth dry off, back to the bedroom. You consider crawling back into bed, but you’d just be as bored as you were before. Without the computer.
You get dressed, eventually, putting on the same pair of shorts you always wear when you want to be comfortable. You pick out a nice looking shirt, even though you have little doubt that you’ll be staying inside today. You head down to your kitchen. By now, it’s anywhere from 10:00 to 12:30. Half of your day is already wasted before most of the world even eats lunch. Which brings your next problem to rise. What to eat? Slimfast shake? Lunch meat sandwich? Soup? Leftovers? These are the things you would be eating if you were at work, but god damn it, you want the variety and luxury of choosing what you want. You want Bruger King, Wawa, a hoagie, anything but what you have in your pantry. You struggle to reason with this, but come up with no conclusion. You close the pantry or fridge door unsatisfied. You decide to make coffee while you think over your options Pull the zip lock baggie of ground beans out of the fridge, it reminds you of a bag of cannabis. Alluring, potent and pungent. Your drug of choice, the coffee.
Your coffee routine is equally as repetitive as your others, however this one is different. No one can destroy your coffee routine. Not now, not ever. You dutifully scoop the grounds into the bottom section of the fake espresso steamer you have, fill the water to just the right level, screw the Ikea contraption back together ad wait. Flame on. The pressure builds in the coffee maker until you hear the steam and boiling water shoot through the crushed grounds. It hisses, gurgles, and steams until the warm, thick fluid erupts into the top chamber, like a coffee-pot orgasm. This is why you got out of bed today, you realize. You dutifully pout half the carafe’s contents into your mug, topped of with milk for a makeshift latte. It’s not Starbucks, it’s not Dunkin Donuts or even god damned McDonalds, but it’s the way YOU like it. And you make the best coffee in the world.
You still haven’t figured out what to eat for breakfast. Or is it lunch, by this point? It’s probably both. You decide either meal’s food s would be acceptable. Eggs? bacon? Hamburger? teak? You still want that hoagie or cheese steak sandwich from your favorite shop dwon the street, but you resist. Spending money now means that much less for beer later (or rent…or bills, god forbid you lose your HBO). You settle for tuna fish. Again. The tuna fish that was on sale last week at Shoprite, not the fancy, tasty, non-mercury filled kind. It will have to do today. Open the can, find your favorite condiments, mayo, dressing, you’re out of onion powder, garlic powder will have to do, even though y ou know you won’t like it as much. Mix with a spoon, slap onto bread. Chew. No, wait…something different. You have wraps today. Hot damn, a break. You pile your tuna onto a spinach garlic wrap, load n some croutons and carrots, and roll it up, realizing that this might actually be the highlight of your day.
You avoid looking at your computer while eating. You’re going to be staring at it all day anyway, why burn out your eyeballs during lunch/breakfast? What now? You’ve finished eating Go out? no money to STay in? don’t feel like it. You want to do something spontaneous. Climb onto a roof, get a tattoo, sneak into a building, climb a water tower, but you know these things would no work out. You swear to do them tomorrow. You check your email for the 100th time, hoping against hope that one of the people you contacted for a job will get back to you, but they won’t. They will tomorrow, you’re sure. You check for jobs. Indeed, monster, careerbuilder, the same jobs you saw yesterday. And the same that were there last week.
new one pops up here ad there. Someone you know heard that such-and such- company was hiring, so you check their website Unqualified, overqualified, or not applicable. Same as usual. You fire one or two resumes off in hopes that someone will realize the hidden talents you have, despite your lack of experience and professional license. Now comes the phase in your day where you’re worse off than before. Worse than boredom, worse than frustration. Bored frustration. This is where you start to worry…where dangerous things pop into your head. Maybe you could drink a few beers and kill the afternoon. Maybe you could find some pot and watch a movie. You don’t have the money for either, and wouldn’t even know where to find pot. You consider video games, but realize that your collection hasn’t expanded since you looked yesterday. The same old games. The ones you’ve been playing for 2 years because you can’t fathom spending 60 bucks on a new one. By now, it’s already 3pm. Only a few more hours until the missus gets home. Then maybe you’ll go do something fun. But she’s been working all day, like most good grown ups. She won’t want to go crazy tonight. You get a phone call…a second interview, scheduled for tomorrow, are you available? You are now. This is the scary one, the technical interview. You can bullshit your way through HR, but this is a different beast. But you know not to get your hopes up. This interview will go like all the others. Thank you for your interest. They’ll let you know real soon.
You slink back into the couch, glad you didn’t have that pot connection, or else you have sounded the damned fool on the phone, and maybe failed your drug test. Email, CNN, syndicated reruns, CNN, email, reruns, CNN, email, reruns. You can’t choose, because none are satisfying. You grab a beer from the fridge, just one, to cool off with, or perhaps to comfort you just a little. 4pm, 4:30, 4:45, you’re almost there. Your day is almost done. You yearn for 5 o’clock to come around, but you don’t know why. The missus won’t get home until almost six. But something in you still strives to make it until then. You start making dinner, eat when she gets home. She’s your breadwinner, it’s the least you can do. You’re exhausted for some reasn, and lay on the cough until she gets home. Then you eat dinner, clean up, and watch TV. At least you aren’t doing it alone, and can share a laugh or two.
You watch the same shows every night, TMZ, Simpsons, Family Guy, and whatever prime time show of the day that’s on afterwards. Then you go to bed, following the same routines you do every night. Wash your little face, brush your little teeth, take your little pills to keep you alive for another day. Things you used to take simple pleasure in, but not so much anymore. You head to bed, knowing you won’t sleep well, wondering how to pay your part of the bills and rent, hoping that tomorrow will be the day you hear from a job, and get your lucky break. It’ll happen. Maybe tomorrow.
Remember the days when the evil vices that television felt comfortable showing were very different. It used to be that sex and drugs were unheard of on TV shows unless the title of the show began with the words “The Dangers of…” Now that producers and executives have figured out that fucking, fighting, and freebasing is ratings fodder (you love alliteration, don’t you?), the dynamic has changed. But there were those friendly vices that were all-too common on TV back in the day. Everyone smoked and everyone drank. These were the prerequisites for existing on the screen.
Whatever happened to the lovable Alcoholic that casually graced the television screen? They’re alive in our hearts…and in this article.
5. Al Bundy
4. Barney Gumble
It’s essentially common knowledge that The Simpsons has gone down a slippery slope in recent years. It simply isn’t what it used to be; but at the same time, seems to be more successful than ever. One of the elements that the show lost in recent seasons was Barney being drunk! He was loud, obese, and woefully insignificant which was what made his character so endlessly enjoyable. So now, Mr. Gumble is no longer sucking quarters out of the jukebox, but instead advocating the time-honored tradition of quitting.
3. Hillary Norman Peterson
Norm is a real man’s man; a red meat enthusiast and an unapologetic drunk. A man who needed his tab calculated by NASA, Norm is always welcomed into the bar with adoration. You couldn’t help but feel bad for Norm at times. He used his quick wit and sense of humor to deal with the life that has taken a shit in his cereal. He is such an oddly lovable character that you almost forget that he takes up two seats in the bar, insults people, drinks himself stupid, and then manages to get home in time to beat the shit out of his nagging wife.
2. Andy Sipowicz
Born in Brooklyn to an alcoholic, racist father, it’s only natural that the son be absolutely no different. Some people claim that Andy has a “heart of gold,” but I just don’t see it. Even if he’s happy, he looks like he could snap at the drop of a hat and beat the shit out of anything. According to the lore of NYPD Blue, Sipowicz stopped drinking and began to focus more on what it means to be a cop…but I don’t buy it. Does he really look like a man who has quit drinking? And if you weren’t certain, would you want to take the risk and fuck with this guy?
1. Otis Campbell
As epitome of the Town Drunk, Otis found himself in and out of jail more often than all of the Bloods and Crips combined. Why did they ever let him out? It seemed like Mayberry was a pretty fucking safe place unless Otis was on the streets. The only times that crimes are committed are when he’s not chained down. As Barney Fife would say: “Nip it in the bud.” Eventually, they’re going to have to decide what to do about Otis…he has no friends, no family…no one would know if he suddenly “went missing.”
Otis’s crimes were never thoroughly explained, but he had been trusted with the responsability to simply lock himself up when too intoxicated…for his own good. How terrifying is that?!
“Otis, if you can’t make it home without exposing yourself to some children, just crash here for the night.”
If I were living in Mayberry, I’d be extremely unhappy with the idea that the only law enforcement establishment allows the town’s only fucking criminal to just go free-range. In urgent situations, he would even be made an honorary deputy! What?!
“Otis, can you see this badge? Can you see this gun? Take ‘em, and get to work.”
Why is Otis trusted to do things? And if you’re saying “come on, he was just the town drunk…he’s harmless,” consider this: Why were no other criminals ever locked in the cell with Otis?
I’ll tell you why. He would cut off their face and wear it as a mask…and then make his choreographed escape.
In the TV movie, Return to Mayberry, Otis has given up the sauce and taken a job as an Ice Cream Man (of all things). At least this is a career move that distances him from alcohol and puts him in close contact with the fresh young children of Mayberry…
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I know what you’re saying. “Hey, Alex! You’ve done an AS SEEN ON TV article before! Run out of ideas?”
Well, the short answer is “Not quite.” The long answer is, “Please seek whatever professional help that may be required for you to break your habit of yelling wildly at your computer screen.” It’s just not worth it. I feel like I’ve been writing a lot lately; but it’s my site, so sit on it.
Do people still say “sit on it”? Hmm.
Anyway–this isn’t just a re-ordering of an old article. This one is completely new, and probably interesting. As many of you know, the Great Billy Mays of As Seen On TV fame passed away this weekend. Off the fucking wall! Nobody could have seen that one coming.
It’s been quite a weekend for Pop Culture icons. The impact of Michael Jackson’s death was just starting to effect me, and then KABOOM! The King of Pitch. Dead. It’s like fucking Pop Culture Regicide. Two Kings in their own right…gone.
But, now, I thought it would be appropriate to give Billy a proper farewell. Here are some of his most ridonkulous products.
Not so much a bad pitch as it was a lost product. It’s a shame that no one remembered the Zorbeez when the Sham-Wow first reared its vicious head onto the television spectrum. No one, that is, except Mr. Mays himself. This product frustrated the fuck out of him to the point that he challenged Vince “Slap-a-Bitch” Shlomi to a “pitch-off.”
The Sham-Wow won as it is a theoretically ‘better’ product.
9. Orange Glow!
“If it’s one thing I like, it’s good wood.” At your age, Mr. Mays, I’m not surprised. I love that we have amazing pieces of pop culture like this by which to remember Mays. He wasn’t just an infomercial salesman. He was the motherfucking infomercial salesman, and he was the top of his field.
Even if the products were often laughable. Don’t we have billions of cleaning products already? Maybe, but you don’t have the most important one you’ll ever own. And Mays made everything he sold seem like the most important and necessary thing you could ever buy.
Orange Glow is supposed to contain some kind of real orange shit–which seems to be an attempt to get people to drink it. Billy, if I were going to buy something from you that I could use for food, I’d go for the Big Motherfuckin’ City Sliders.
8. Handy Switch!
If you need one of these portable remote light switches, you’re either epically outgoing in your laziness, or it’s time to put you in a home. Sometimes this amount of convenience just means you need to get on your feet every now and then. It’s fine to have a nice relaxing day at home and not feel like doing shit, but if you don’t have the energy to flip a light without a remote, you need to throw in the towel.
Of course, there’s the argument that you could just put it on the wall and have a practical remote switch so your lamp doesn’t need to be placed right next to an outlet. Good point; except for the fact that the sticky pad will inevitably lose its stickiness. Anyone ever try to tape posters to your wall?
7. Mighty Putty!
Why doesn’t everybody use this shit for everything? It’s durable, it can fix just about anything. It can pull a fucking truck, it replaces damn near every material with the efficiency of space-age shit. Just don’t use it on your clothes! That’s a job for Mend-It! It’s the perfect product for anything you can possibly think of.
Oh, it doesn’t work.
6. Hercules Hook!
Typically, when you see ridiculous feats on infomercials, you’re temped to say “that looks a little ridiculous, but it could happen.” Is this ad really fooling anyone? I wouldn’t trust that bent paper clip to hold up a coat-hanger–let alone a golf bag, or giant mirror.
I’m always wary of shelves that I install. I don’t really want to sleep under anything that I hang myself. I’m not an extremely handy person. I’ll admit I don’t know what I’m doing, even if I can do the job.
But the only mistake you could make while using this product is: using this product.
Remember what we said earlier about the hardcore laziness? How the fuck did those cups and shit get up on the shelf in the first place.
When my husband, the Jolly Green Giant isn’t home, this suction claw is my only option.
How well do normal store bought suction cups work?! What would make anyone think that this is a good investment? The main draw to these products in their illusion of convenience, paired with the fact that they’re reasonably priced.
So, when you accidentally store your Gopher in a place that’s too high or low for your lazy fucking ass to reach, you can seek comfort in the knowledge that you can just order another one for $19.95 (if you have the energy to reach your phone).
4. What Odor?!
Are you tired of over-the-counter odor eliminators that people have been using forever? Well fuck that! How about one that you’ve never heard of before? Hell yeah!
The main problem here is if you know your cleaning products aren’t working, why are you waiting for this commercial? Get off your ass and clean your shit off the carpet.
If you do live in a world that doesn’t involve personal responsibility, try the NeverScrub.
Or, if you’re really feeling frisky, go for Kaboom! At least that product doesn’t sound ridiculous.
It’s not necessarily that this is a bad product. I haven’t heard one way or the other from anyone who’s ever tried it. But I will go as far to say that if you’re waiting to receive this in the mail before you clean out your cat’s litter box, you’re a bad person.
3. Tool Band-It!
Using powerful neo-magnet technology, the Tool-Band-It trumps any kind of bag, box or bag in a box. It seems to me like having a magnetic arm band with every tool imaginable attached to it would be more of a hindrance. You have to avoid walking past televisions…you can’t listen to your MP3 Player, ’cause that’s on an armband too, and once you cross the streams, it explodes.
It’s all well and good to reach for a hammer and have it right fucking there, but how are you going to differentiate between different sized nuts and bolts when you’re laying face down in the dirt?!
2. The Ding King!
This one, I just don’t get. It’s like you’re giving your car a sonogram. You smear the base with some kind of nondescript jelly and just apply it to your car; twist the knob until your car isn’t totaled anymore! It’s magic!
And when things are magic, they essentially don’t work. There are no believable words, images, or demonstrations in this infomercial, and that’s what makes it so bizarre.
1. Impact Gel!
Ah, Impact Gel. We’ve grown to love you so much. Billy Mays practically throws himself off of a building to show that this gel-pad isn’t painful. Okay, Mr. Mays! I believe you! It won’t hurt my feet to walk on this gel, but I’m still not convinced it will keep me from all unforseeable dangers.
If I’m going to take a sledgehammer to my hand, I think I would want something a bit stronger. Backed over by a tractor trailer? Probably just opt out and not even bother with the gel at all.
It was products and infomercials like this that made Billy Mays who he was. He wasn’t just a novelty or television personality. Yes, he was those things. To the extreme!
But he was a role model for salesmen, inventors, and entrepreneurs. He was a family man; and he forced his English Bulldog head into your home every day and barked commands at you to be the best consumer you could be. The world will miss him.
And even if you found him annoying, aggressive, and repelling, you’ve probably had worse friends.
(all Dubbed videos courtesy of JaboOodyDubs.com)
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Before you start to fling about your rampant accusations, let me just say–in my defense–that I am inflicted with the most horribly debilitating of physical and psychological diseases. No, it’s not Swine Flu. It’s Summer Laziness. The symptoms of which are chronic procrastination, writer’s block, and an ever-increasing ass-groove in what had once been a perfectly usable sofa.
I have written (and brought forth from others) a plethora of fine material with which all you fun-junkies can shoot up, snuff up, or swallow up for quite some time. My recent activity has been lax; and by lax I mean insignificant; and by insignificant I mean I’ve done fuck all in the past few days.
I’m granting Dave (the recently missing member of the site) a bit of a grace period for article writing. Truth be told, by this I mean, I just don’t have the energy to demand much anymore.
I’ll keep up my duties to the best of my ability, while retaining some semblance of unfounded hope that there is some Biblical face-melting Ark of the Covenant full of sparklingly witty original material buried somewhere under the piles of clothes, trash, and artifacts of gobbledygook in Dave’s room; which, if a mini-shit-storm apocalypse should come tomorrow, would be looked upon by future generations of Archaeologist Mole People with puzzled solemnity.
Fuck that was a long sentence.
Now, let’s get to all those new Movie Trailers that you may or may not need to see (unless you can’t see–in which case, don’t go to the movies. You’ll creep people out).
Sherlock Holmes–Guy Ritchie doing what he does best; making us all forget how fucking boring England really is.
The Brothers Bloom–Wonderful to see the writer/director of one of my favorite movies tackling such a huge film. If the movie meets the expectations presented by the trailer, I’m going to be wading balls-deep through awesomeness.
Gamer–Is there no limit to Gerard Butler’s obscenely polymorphous cinematic valiance? All kidding aside, this looks like the single greatest kick-in-the-cunt action movie ever.
Beyond a Reasonable Doubt–Michael Douglas seems to be prepping his bad-guy game for the inevitable sequel to Wall Street; but even so, this film doesn’t go far beyond being a “fun afternoon” for a bored housewife who doesn’t feel like cracking a book. She will then proceed to tell her children how wonderful and suspenseful the movie was, but when they see it, they’ll be sure to think it sucks beyond a reasonable doubt.
Nine–Yes, that’s right. Same title…just spelled out this time. And this one is a sexy musical starring some women you thought were dead, some you wish were dead, and that guy who drinks your milkshake.
Street Dreams–I have absolutely no interest in this gritty skateboarding flick…and that’s coming from someone who just reviewed Precious just minutes ago.
Baby on Board–Two points. One, they already made this movie. It was called The Break-Up. Two, if this suckfest stays in theaters for more than 48 hours, I’m going to write an angry letter to the President.
The Girlfriend Experience–The big acting debut of porn star Sasha Grey doesn’t look nearly as compelling as it probably should. I picture her doing an artsy flick, but this looks stale and unfinished. I feel like I’m back in art school.
The Ugly Truth–Remember what I said about Gerard Butler? His rugged charm sucks you in to a trailer that should, by all Matthew McConaughean means repel the shit out of any serious film nut. Fuck you, Gerard Butler! You make me want to see a romantic comedy that anyone with half-a-fucking-gerbil-brain knows what the ending will be!
Yesterday Was a Lie–Sci-Fi Film Noir should have began and ended with Blade Runner. This unwatchable mockery of classic cinema makes Community College Film Students look like Fritz fucking Lang.
Gooby–Try to watch this trailer without laughing. I fucking dare you. This movie looks so appallingly and unfathomably ridiculous that I can’t help but watch it again just to make sure I didn’t make it all up. Warning: Who ever sees this movie has tasted death. What the flying fuck???
Children of Invention–I almost certainly won’t see this in theaters…but I’m not sure why. Must be the Asians.
Twistee Treat–I’m starting to become disillusioned with Independent Film…I applaud the effort, and I’m unmistakably jealous, but I’m still not going to see your shitty movie.
Whatever Works–Larry David as Woody Allen as Larry David.
$9.99–The onslaught of movies with “Nine” in the title is interminable. This film, however, looks beautiful, imaginative, and I almost can’t wait to see it.
District 9–I’ll end with another “Nine” movie here. Maybe Hollyweird is on to something with this whole “Nine” thing. This pseudo-documentary looks brilliant. My faith in the future of cinema has been rejuvenated. If there were some omniscient, omnipresent being living amongst the clouds, this would be the time to thank it, sincerely.
And with that, I shall take my leave of you. Don’t be a stranger, and please keep watching good movies. It’s our only defense against Hollywood feeding us another Summer crap-a-thon.
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Every once in a while, a movie comes along that looks SO bad, you just HAVE to see it (think Snakes on a Plane bad). Now, I wasn’t really crazy about Snakes on a Plane, so here are three movies that, regardless of how bad you thought they were, you should go see today.
UHF- Yes, that’s right. Weird Al really did make a movie. And it’s really weird. It’s strangely watchable, though, with some big names (Fran Drescher, Michael Richards, Emo Phelps and Kevin McCarthy). There’s a strange combination of low-brow kid jokes and semi-sharp dialogue. The story is pretty simple; a loser and his friend are given his rich uncle’s low powered TV station, and have to compete with the local network station. When U62 becomes too popular, the big-budget owner of the network tries to buy them out, with hilarious results. My favorite moment is when Stanly Spudowski (played by Michael Richards) gives this monologue:
This is my new mop. George, my friend, he gave me this mop. This is a pretty good mop. It’s not as good as my first mop. I miss my first mop, but this is still a good mop. Sometimes you just hafta take what life gives ya, ’cause life is like a mop and sometimes life gets full of dirt and crud and bugs and hairballs and stuff… you, you, you gotta clean it out. You, you, you gotta put it in here and rinse it off and start all over again and, and sometimes, sometimes life sticks to the floor so bad you know a mop, a mop, it’s not good enough, it’s not good enough. You, you gotta get down there, like, with a toothbrush, you know, and you gotta, you gotta really scrub ’cause you gotta get it off. You gotta really try to get it off. But if that doesn’t work, that doesn’t work, you can’t give up. You gotta, you gotta stand right up. You, you gotta run to a window and say, “Hey! These floors are dirty as hell, and I’m not gonna take it any more!”
Slackers- Laura Prepon, Jason Segal and everyone’s favorite, JASON SCHWARTZMAN come together in this…weird…movie about cheating your way through college. It’s not really that unlike American Pie, or any of those, I just like it alot better. It’s a little bit less gross-out than many of those type of movies, but still enjoyable to those who like them. This movie was quoted all through our undergrad years, specifically the following dialogue:
Sam: Professor Markoe! Thank God you’re here! I was hit by a truck today.
Professor Markoe: Well you alright?
Head T.A. Philip, Bruna, the Office Manager: He was hit by a truck!
My favorite part is at the end, when Ethan sings his song…. I love you but, I hate you, which brings to mind, how much I love you. We could have worked this out you know, in a little room, in a little locked room. I’m sorry you had to settle for Dave, the one-dimensional man. He’s filed under “Cocksucker” in my little black book. Sweetness can rot your teeth. Bittersweet, cacophony. But you hold the key, you hold the key, to my little locked room. You hold the key, you hold the key, to my little locked whoa-ooh-oh-oh. Please let… me… out soon. I luh you.
The Girl Next Door- The classic story of boy falls for girl, who happens to be a porn star. If I gave out any other details, I think too much of the story would be given away. But it’s hilarious and has a great story. This is one of the more underrated teen movies that I can remember. This one really doesn’t belong on a list of BAD movies, but I think it was advertised as being a teen-gross out. Go see it.
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So March Madness has come and gone, and for the first time in many years, I actually didn’t blow five bucks to make a totally arbitrary guess as to who would take it (nor did I contribute to the billion dollars in lost revenue due to workers following games). This is probably mostly because I’m among the jobless masses, so I can neither join an office pool nor can I afford the five bucks that will inevitably be won by someone’s 8 year old kid who knows nothing about basketball and picks teams based on mascots or colors….ugh…
ANYHOO…I’m here today to talk about mascots. Those big, furry, lovable characters who dance on the dugout and steal referees’ hats.
I went to the gym today. Yes, I’m as surprised as you are, reader. Our gym, the Daskalaraioustantanopolis Athletic Center is the current home of our victorious beloved well at least they show up Dragons. Everywhere you go, it’s WELCOME TO DRAGON COUNTRY this and DRAGON PRIDE that. So, okay, Mario the Dragon isn’t THAT badass as a specific mascot, but the Dragons is pretty cool, even if there’s no historical significance to it (they just chose it for the alliteration). And our obligatory bronze statue (for worshiping) is pretty damned cool. But Drexel was only known as the Dragons since 1928, when The Triangle called them that (probably on a whim, just like how most of their articles are written).
On a tangential note…I just found this in the archives from DU’s library
In November of 1930, The Triangle includes a report on a pep rally that featured a newly refurbished Drexel Dragon. Apparently during the previous year, the original Dragon had been badly damaged. The ‘new’ Dragon was constructed of steel and included improved ‘breathing facilities’ as well as:
‘A small jar of titanium tetrachloride — placed in the head with tubes leading to the nostrils. When the liquid comes in contact with the air, a dense smoke is formed, resembling the traditional fiery breath of these historic monsters.’
Holy shit! Our mascot used to have smoke come out its nostrils. That’s awesome. Anyways….before the Dragon came about, Drexel had a bunch of other names.
The Blue and Gold- Likely Absolutely named after our colors. This makes sense. Harvard‘s teams are known as The Crimson, and Alabama is known as The Crimson Tide (EW!). But being addressed as the Blue and Gold sort of has an old fashioned dignity to it. I approve.
The Engineers- Now…this isn’t particularly bad-assed…but at least it’s logical. Purdue is known as the Boilermakers . Call your team what you teach. Again, sort of old fashioned, but still pretty acceptable. I approve.
The Drexelites- Hmm…okay…Drexel was founded by a guy named Drexel. I get it! He was a rich old banker. We could have been the Rockefellers, the Waltonites, or the Gateses! (or perhaps the Madoffs). This name is stupid. Why would you not come up with something at least a LITTLE bit more inspired than the school’s own name? Penn isn’t the Penns’s (although if they were, they’d have a great chance to be able to bring inflatable penii to each game…) (and yes, they would PROBABLY call themselves the Franklins or Franklinites). But really. This name sucks. It’s insane. I do not approve.
So let me tie it up a little here on ANOTHER sad note. Anyone who has a TV, radio or computer and lives in the Delaware Valley or knows anything about sports knows that Harry Kalas, longtime voice of the Phightin’s and NFL Football (and PuppyBowl) , died yesterday. As sad as it is for the phans, his family and extended family are the ones who are really hurting today. I’ll end here on a quote from Larry Anderson, former Phil and colleague of Harry the K; one of the saddest I’ve ever read in a newspaper….
Andersen fought back tears before the game. He knew Kalas as a player and as a colleague. “For me, personally, it was just having him in that clubhouse in Pittsburgh after we won the division in ’93,” Anderson said. “And leading us in ‘High Hopes.’ I don’t know if I ever want to hear that again.”philamaneto