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July 14, 2010 · 5:24 pm

Despicable Me

Gru is a supervillain. Voiced by The Office star Steve Carell, he makes a living from elegantly stealing priceless and luxurious monuments from all around the world, or so he desperately wishes. You see, Gru hasn’t been too successful in this department as his most prized stolen objects are the Jumbotron from Times Square, an Eiffel Tower replica and a small-scale Statue of Liberty, both of which were clutched from Las Vegas.

Gru dreams of one day stealing an object that’s truly worth something, something that he’ll really be remembered for. He craves to be recognized for the crime of the century, to be feared and to go up in the ranks of supervillainy. And this is what makes Gru such an interesting character for an animated family film. He’s not a hero, he’s a villain, a mean one, and yet he’s so upbeat about everything that you can’t help but fall in love with him.

He’s the protagonist (or antagonist?) of Despicable Me, Universal’s parody of the well-known clichéd Bondesque enemies. It’s a film that pokes fun at the traits and characteristics of the typical mischief makers we see in spy movies and comic book flicks, and it’s one that takes full advantage of its subject material.

Our main character goes about his daily life, using freeze guns on queues of people so that he doesn’t have to stand in line for coffee, driving about in some sort of advanced rocket car thing, laughing as he pops the balloons of innocent little kids and having fun with his tiny yellow creature henchmen. He’s not very subtle.

In order to outdo his equally evil competition, he has hatched a plan to go to the moon and shrink it so that it can fit in his pocket and then just, well, take it. There’s a problem though, as his rival Vector (voiced by Jason Segel) has stolen his shrinking gun and has it locked it up in a super secure vault. After several ill-fated attempts to break into Vector’s house, Gru decides to adopt three young girls, named Margo (Miranda Cosgrove), Edith (Dana Gaier) and Agnes (Elsie Fisher).

He plans to use them in a not-so-elaborate scheme to intrude on Vector’s seemingly impenetrable mansion, but as time goes by, Gru starts feeling affection for the three cute little toddlers. Will they make him change his nefarious ways? Will they make him rethink his moon-stealing plot? Will young viewers be influenced by his evilness? Maybe.

As you can probably tell, this movie is quite predictable, but that certainly does not stop it from being fun. Within the first ten minutes I was raising an eyebrow at the film’s creativity and inventive nature. It’s a step-up from Universal’s other animated films such as The Land Before Time sequels, Curious George and The Tale of Despereaux.

No, this is not quite up to par with any of the Pixar films, nor Dreamworks‘ recent How to Train Your Dragon, but what it is, is a fabulously entertaining and beautifully animated kids film. There’s a lot of attention to detail in the animation and extravagantly exaggerated designs of the characters. The trio of girls are ridiculously cute with large pupils in their eyes and adorable little noses. Gru’s fairly odd-looking, but not necessarily unattractive and it fits his character well. My favourite design though has to go to Gru’s disgruntled mother, with her bulging, pointed nose and chin.

The film is a witty one and the script is pretty damn impressive, filled aplenty with humorous witticisms to be laughed out loud at. The comic timing of some gags, both visual and verbal, is mighty fine, perfectly tickling the ribs of kids and adults alike. Many jokes come from Gru’s highly unsociable demeanour and the formidable way in which he treats those around him, which is notably mean. But what takes the chocolate cake for almost all of the funniest moments has got to be Gru’s small, sunny coloured helpers. They’re largely moronic and talk purely in gibberish, which just makes them all the more hilarious with the style in which they interact with each other. The youngsters will love ‘em.

The voice work is spectacular for almost every member of the cast. Carell sports an Eastern European accent, one which very much reminded me of Bram Stoker’s Dracula. It’s one of the things I loved about his character, Carell has clearly put a lot of work into getting the voice right. Segel is virtually unrecognizable as Vector, I actually didn’t realize it was him until I looked at the cast list, but he does a great job as the smug antagonist.

Then there’s Russell Brand who plays Gru’s elderly assistant Dr. Nefario. The stand-up comic is admirable enough, although he is just putting on a gruff voice. The supporting cast, which includes Julie Andrews and Will Arnett, is also great, each of their characters are both strong and memorable.

If there’s anything I have against Despicable Me, it’s that the plot is occasionally pushed aside for more laughs, and the film itself feels a tad short. Nothing too bad though, as it is a brilliantly fun and engaging cartoon which should supply laughs for all of the family. Just hope that the kids don’t get any ideas from Gru’s constant wrongdoing.

Eight outta ten

–Watson

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July 13, 2010 · 6:01 pm

Predators

“GET TO THE CHOPPA!!” Ah, what a great movie Predator was. Made in 1987, and starring action man Arnold Schwarzenegger, it’s become a cult classic and hailed as one of the best monster flicks to have ever been released in cinemas. Despite receiving mixed reviews, it helped move the bodybuilder’s film career forward and made him into one of the best action stars out there. The sequel, however, was a different story, generally thought of as a big disappointment and leaving many fans thoroughly unhappy and throwing temper tantrums. Poor disgruntled fanboys!

And then there was Alien vs. Predator, a 2004 crossover with the Alien franchise. I won’t go into how monumentally hated this and its 2007 sequel were, cos it’ll take all day. Long story short: a lot. Because of all the negativity from the Predator sequel and the two horrid spin-offs, long-time fan, Robert Rodriguez, decided to produce another sequel, but this time ignoring the disappointments that were the other Predator movies.

I was excited for Predators; Rodriguez was very much hyping it up in interviews and online with featurettes on each of the characters. And after seeing the promising trailers I was expecting a well-made sci-fi action/horror and one that would do the original some justice, but I couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed when the end credits finally popped up.

We start very abruptly. Royce (Adrien Brody) has just woken up to find that he is falling through the air, hurtling towards a swarm of trees. Luckily, his nose breaks his fall (actually, his parachute does) and he watches as others fall from the sky into the jungle beside him. Like him, they have no idea how they got there and the last thing they remember is seeing a bright light. Also like him, they have all killed someone. Good company then.

After wandering around the terrain for a little while, they discover that they are on another planet and have been kidnapped by a gang of cold-blooded Predators. They are part of an elaborate game where they will be hunted for sport by the alien pursuers, being chased through the jungle and desperately running for their lives, avoiding booby traps as they try to find a way back home. “We’re the game,” Royce says.

Rodriguez was clearly very passionate about this movie even though he is simply a producer. I think it’s fair to say that Predators is a film made for the fans, they’ve been waiting for a decent sequel since 1987 and this is what Rodriguez set out to do. Has he succeeded? He sort of has and he sort of hasn’t. The film contains many homages to the original, such as the famous machine gun firing scene and a mud-covered one-on-one topless end fight.

The fabulous music by John Debney is also very reminiscent of Alan Silvestri’s score for the original. It has an odd presence, magnificently striking in each scene it’s in. Personally, I adored it. However, Predators is still fairly flawed.

First off, when our protagonists all fall hundreds of feet into this unknown territory, this jungle, with no way of knowing what the hell is going on, they just seem to accept it. If that were me, I’d be shitting my pants and be suffering mass paranoia, not trusting anyone, whereas these characters seem familiar with the situation and just shrug it off. The extreme sense of confusion these characters would inevitably be undergoing is not convincing enough and I found it quite off-putting.

Also, I felt absolutely no connection or sympathy for any of our heroes for almost the entire movie. They’re not very likable or relatable people, they seem very cold-blooded and the fact that they’re all murderers doesn’t exactly help with this problem. We’re obviously meant to be rooting for the Adrien Brody character, Royce, yet the guy is just a bit of a dick. In fact, he’s a lot of a dick, he’s a guy who only cares about himself and it wasn’t until the end that I started actually liking him.

And of course, there are characters who, right from the second they blink or open their mouths, you can just tell are gonna be Predator poop by the end of the movie. So, what exactly is the point in giving a hoot about any of them when you fully well know they’re definite goners?

Then again, this is just a monster movie so these problems can be kinda overlooked. It’s nice to see the Predators back again, albeit the fact that some of the designs are a little different, which will no doubt get some fan’s panties in a twist. These are not the only hunters on this planet though, as there are also the Predators’ pets, dog-like creatures which attack the unfortunate group of cowering humans. They’re well-designed and the effects on them are rather wondrous, making for a suspenseful attack scene half an hour into the movie.

The dialogue has moments of greatness and excellence, then moments where it’s a bit crap, it’s pretty bipolar. The script is quite solid, filled with cheesy but catchy one-liners that I maybe smiled or chuckled at a little.

I didn’t really have any problems with the cast, everyone seemed to be on top-form. They’re all playing throw-away characters, but they do an admirable enough job with what they’re given. Alice Braga’s the only female of the group, playing the “girl who can kick ass” role and I found her performance to be fairly eye-catching. Rodriguez regular Danny Trejo is also in there as Cuchillo. You’ve gotta love this guy, he is such a mesmerizing and lovable actor, although I’d advise to not get too attached to his character.

Best performance though has to go to Laurence Fishburne, playing Noland, a disturbed survivor from a previously captured bunch. He explains the nature of the Predators and how there’s a violent feud going on between two of their species. Apparently this role was originally meant to go to Danny Glover, reprising his role from Predator 2, but I am glad he didn’t. I’ve never liked Glover all too much, and Fishburne just makes the role his own.

With a film of this genre, clichés are no doubt going to happen and Predators helms quite a few. You can anticipate some lame jump scares and see things coming a mile off, but it still has its fair shares of surprising points. The film has many twists and turns intertwined which held my interest enough.

Personally, I feel that Predators is a film that gets better as it goes along. For what it is, it’s not really that bad, it just could have been a heck of a lot better. It’s a good idea that’s just been executed in a mediocre way with strong predictability and unrelatable, unsympathetic characters. However, it’s nice to have the real Predators back on the big screen. They’re still ugly motherfuckers though.

Six outta ten.

–Watson

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July 12, 2010 · 4:50 pm

I Love Movies, but I Hate Yours: Vampires Suck

Why? A simple question. Why? An adverb meant to express puzzlement and curiosity. Why in the holy bejesus fuck are Aaron Seltzer and Jason Friedberg still working in the film business? How the shitting dolphin rotten bitch cunt they are able to get their “movies” financed, put into production and actually released in theatres for public consumption is beyond me. And how the decomposed dinosaur foreskin their “films” manage to actually make money at the box office is a disgrace to not only humanity, not only the universe, but everything that has ever existed in every single dimension to come out of God’s tight, hairy asshole.

These two fuck-heads are not filmmakers. They’re not. They’re two retarded monkeys who just so happened to find a camera and then proceeded to film themselves eating each others shit and sold the footage to a movie company. They have already made Date Movie, Epic Movie, Meet The Spartans and Disaster Movie (the last two were actually released in the same cunting year) and now they have finally made their masterpiece. By masterpiece, I mean their biggest accomplishment, the big cheese. In other words, they have successfully created the worst movie. Ever. Period. This is Vampires Suck.

This time, Seltzer and Friedberg sat down and watched the first two Twilight movies and decided, “Hmm, derp, we, uh, derp, should, uh, derp, copy this movie and, uh, derp, do lots of, uh, derp, stupid, derp, unfunny, derp, jokes every millisecond and the audiences, uh, derp, will eat it up.” Words simply cannot express how utterly painful and brain-dead this movie is. But fuck it, I’m gonna try.

The film (I’m using that term lightly) basically steals the plot (ha, plot!) of Twilight and New Moon, with our adolescent main character Becca (Jenn Proske) moving to the city of Sporks with her father. But something is very strange about this city. That’s right, it was made by Seltzer and Friedberg, so it’s an unrealistic pile of cow vomit! No, actually the city is infested with vampires, one of which, a good one named Edward Sullen (Matt Lanter), Becca falls for. Cos he’s so hot and sparkly.

Meanwhile, three evil vampires are killing and feeding on locals, one of which actually fights back and punches one of the vampires in the face, because that’s so god damn funny. Not. Anyway, Becca and Edward come across them and Edward kills one of them with a baseball bat and then there’s some gay jokes, some fart jokes and the film continues while I just sit there, staring blankly at the screen, distraught, heavily disturbed and begging for the sweet release at the bony hands of Death himself because I really, really don’t give a rat’s ass anymore.

Look, I like all four Scary Movies, I like The Naked Gun and I like both Airplane films. Heck, I even enjoyed Superhero Movie, as stupid and silly as it was. What I don’t like is this, or anything these two testicle-brained doofuses have ever put to the big screen. Unlike the eight aforementioned spoofs, Vampires Suck does not have any wit, not one good joke, no humour or any hint of thought-process put into its production.

What we get is a series of bricks falling on top of people, burp jokes, people being thrown into pianos, never-ending pop culture references, people falling over again and again, people being hit by car doors, people getting smacked in the head with shovels and basically every throw-away visual gag that doesn’t require any intelligence, mentality or use of brain cells. “Mind-numbing” is not a strong enough word.

You can practically see Seltzer and Friedberg down on their knees, pleading to you, begging for you, the audience, the viewer, their money-source to look at the film and give a tiny little implication of anything that could possibly be said to resemble something that could maybe, just maybe be called a smile. But they won’t get what they want. I literally did not laugh, chortle, snigger or even smile at any of the hundreds upon thousands of so-called jokes that these couple of numskulls lazily threw at me.

I can’t even give the film credit for spoofing Twilight, a series despised and spit upon by many, because it’s done in such an appalling and cringe-worthy fashion that it doesn’t deserve to be called entertainment. Some of the film’s jokes aren’t even original, I spotted one directly robbed from The Simpsons, another from Wallace and Gromit, and there’s some that are just rehashes from their previous movies and many taken from Scary Movie. It’s fucking ridiculous.

In fact, the only thing in this entire torture show that I can award with respect, other than the fact that it’s thankfully only 76 minutes long, is the casting of Jenn Proske. Playing the Bella copycat, she perfectly mimics the traits and glum personality of Kristen Stewart’s character in the Twilight franchise to a tee. It is quite impressive. But then again, she’s just impersonating someone else, so she can’t get the film a single mark. Bad luck.

The rest of the cast are just sore losers of look-alike competitions without any acting ability or memorable portrayals, or maybe that’s just the awful script they’re reading from. Each character has the exact same personality, i.e. quirky, bizarre, weird, over-the-top, sadomasochistic. They do stupid things, say stupid things, emit gases of stupidity, all of which isn’t the slightest bit funny or smart, so I just want them all to fuck off and go burn in a fire somewhere.

As an example of how lazy Vampires Suck is, I noticed that all of the music is taken from other movies. As in, the filmmakers didn’t even bother to get someone to do a score for it, they just took music from other films and splattered them in the background. And no, it’s not like Inglorious Basterds or Shutter Island, the music-taken-from-other-movies aspect serves no purpose whatsoever here, other than pure slothfulness.

Don’t see this movie. Seriously, just don’t even bother, you’ll be wasting just over an hour of your life when you could be at home, drawing doodles or making your own little home movies with your camcorder, which I can pretty much guarantee will be much, much better than this unfunny, horribly made, unfathomably bad piece of shit. Seltzer and Friedberg, fuck you.

Zero outta ten.

–Watson

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July 11, 2010 · 2:39 pm

I Love Movies, but I Hate Yours: Grown Ups

Okay, so you’ve got Adam Sandler, Kevin James, Chris Rock, Rob Schneider and David Spade all starring in the same movie. Aside from James, who’s just along for the ride, these are all Saturday Night Live veterans, all on the big-screen together for the first time ever, sort of like a little reunion. They were among the best of the best on the famous show during the early 90′s and they certainly had a huge impact on how the programme turned out. So this movie they’re all collaborating on should be fun, right? Well, sort of.

James is playing the clumsy fat guy, Schneider the freaky weirdo, Spade the playful, good-looking womanizer, Rock the black guy and Sandler playing…well, Adam Sandler. Not really stretching their acting legs here, I must say. Each of them are now in their mid-forties, y’know, they’re maybe going through a slight mid-life crisis as most men do, and this plays into the theme that Grown Ups comedically goes into.

Sandler’s production company Happy Madison produces his newest movie, which starts with our five protagonists as little kids playing and winning basketball at their local elementary school. Cut to thirty years later and they have all gone their separate ways, each now married and living happily with their families (other than lady’s man Spade). However, their old coach (Blake Clark) has just passed away from a heart attack, bringing the estranged friends back together at his funeral.

After the service, the families all go to the lake house owned by Larry (Sandler), intending to spend the 4th of July together and reminisce about their pastimes. They tease, they have a few laughs, they try to get the kids to appreciate the fun they can have in the outside world, there’s some competition with their old basketball rivals and they go to a water park at one point and get wet. It’s all fun.

As you can see, the plot isn’t very strong and it’s not really important once they get to the lake house. The whole film is just about these five guys hanging out, toying with each other in mischievous ways and trying to recapture their youths. Their banter fuels the movie and moves it along quite nicely, keeping you entertained enough. They’re very watchable characters, ones that you do sort of connect to due to their likability.

What holds the film back though is that the truly great jokes are few and far between. I did laugh out loud a fair number of times, but more genuinely funny gags would have vastly improved upon the film’s entertainment value. If you’ve seen any Adam Sandler movies before, you’ll know the sense of humour Grown Ups has, it’s based upon many visual jokes and constant wise cracking that will appeal to some and not to others. With me, it’s usually a hit and miss.

Also, there are some scenes which drag a little, affecting the film’s pacing. This was most evident when all five buddies are meeting each other for the first time in years outside the church. Every character is introduced to one another once again, jesting and jibing in a sequence which just goes on for too long, it becomes tedious. Furthermore, with the barely visible plot, the length, even at just over an hour and forty minutes does feel pretty long, the story isn’t strong enough to hold the film for its entire length.

The cast is all good enough, decently playing their roles and keeping my interest for the most part. The five leads are obviously naturals at comedy, they’ve been in the business for a long time and they know how to serve up the laughs. Salma Hayek plays Sandler’s wife (how the hell he bagged her, I dunno), Roxanne and although I had a few problems with her performance, she’s none too shabby. Know what am sayin’?

Most of the rest of the cast isn’t too memorable, other than Shneider’s wife Gloria (Joyce Van Patten), who is thirty years older than her husband. Many gags revolve around their relationship and their age difference, ’tis a little funny.

There’s not really much else to say, it’s a forgettable fluffy comedy, but for what it is it’s good for a night out. I’d recommend this for those who are fans of SNL or simply familiar with the main stars’ other roles and have liked what they’ve seen. Outside of that range, I can’t really see anyone fully enjoying this as much as others would, it’s all about Sandler, James, Rock, Schneider and Spade. And fat jokes.

Six outta ten.

–Watson

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June 28, 2010 · 5:19 pm

Knight and Day

Tom Cruise has always been a pretty cool guy. Perhaps one of the biggest stars in the world, if not the biggest (not height-wise, he’s quite small), he’s a great actor, one who fully embodies his roles and gives memorable performances, always seeming to play likable characters who we love to watch on the big screen. Although he believes aliens created him or, uh, something, he is a hard person to hate, he’s consistently on top-form and shining in each role he takes, but some do have these malign feelings towards him. Assholes!

His last film, war story Valkyrie, was in 2008 and I have to say that I’ve missed him since then. Cruise is one of the best of his field and a year without him is quite noticeable. But now he’s back, starring alongside the ever-scrumptious Cameron Diaz in the lighthearted action comedy Knight and Day. So is it good? Well, keep reading, you lazy bastard.

Diaz is June Havens, a confident, rather typical, everyday woman who gets on a flight from Wichita, intending to go home and attend her sister’s wedding. Sat in the aisle next to her is Roy Miller (Cruise), a suave and talkative cool cat who she “coincidentally” (wink, wink) bumped into twice on the way to the plane. After some chit-chat June visits the restroom, during which the few seated passengers jump up and attack Roy, but are all quickly killed along with the two pilots. Roy, you dumbass!

So, much to June’s surprise, Roy crash lands the plane in a corn field, after which it comes to light that he is a secret agent. Through a series of unfortunate events, Roy ends up having to protect June from a bunch of guys with guns, having to go globetrotting with her, all the while trying to keep hold of a certain object called a Zephyr. “What is a Zephyr?” I hear you ask. Well, you’ll have to watch the movie.

Knight and Day apparently went through what filmmakers call Development Hell, with many different rewrites, directors and cast member changes along with budgetary problems and several re-shoots taking place. Because of this, I’m quite surprised by how the film turned out. With all of these predicaments, I would have assumed that the film would end up a confused mess like Jonah Hex, The Wolf Man or X-Men Origins: Wolverine, all of which went through the same bothersome process.

But Knight and Day manages to still be a fun, energetic movie which defies logic for the sake of silly entertainment, working as a decent satire of the spy genre. All of the cliches are there; the grand locations, the charismatic secret agent, the villain with a foreign accent, car chases, mass gunfire and fist fights, all of which add up to a great night out at the movies.

However, a little word of warning. Don’t go into Knight and Day thinking that it’s a side-splittingly hilarious comedy because where the film fails is in the laughs department. Truth be told, this film does not achieve the hilarity it thinks it does, with it lacking in good jokes, taking the film down a notch or two. No doubt, the film is persistently humorous and has a strong tongue-in-cheek nature, but I would have liked more laugh-out-loud moments.

Saying that, it’s not completely without shits and giggles as there were a few scenes which made me chuckle. For example, as Roy is in a cafe, dragging a handcuffed, struggling June outside, he points his gun and says to the customers, “Nobody follow us! Or I kill myself and then her!” This wittiness is few and far between and having more of it would massively lift the film up.

What the film lacks in hilarity, on the other hand, it very much makes up for in the action sequences. The movie is quite action-packed with several over-the-top fight scenes and vehicle pursuits, all of which are equally thrilling and exciting, as well as pretty damn creative. In one scene, June is worriedly driving a car down the highway from the backseat after the original driver is shot dead. Through the side window, we see Roy drive a police motorbike off-screen on an uphill road. Some seconds later, the Roy-less bike re-enters the frame and splashes into the lake below before Roy lands on top of the car’s hood, smiling away through the windscreen. “That’s a beautiful dress,” he says to the terrified June.

Each of these action scenes are brilliantly shot by director James Mangold (3:10 to Yuma, Walk The Line), capturing the tense, yet cartoonish escapades going on without having to resort to the sometimes tedious shaky cam many action directors have recently helmed. They all crank up the tension and adrenaline whilst keeping the always-present humour intact. They really make the movie.

As you can probably tell by the two opening paragraphs of this review, I am a fan of Cruise (as you should be too) and here he most definitely did not disappoint my usually high standards. He plays the elegant and charming yet cheeky and lovable nature of Roy to a tee, additionally kicking some ass and shooting some bullets. And then some.

Diaz is first-class alongside Cruise, living up to her A-list name, playing June in a believable enough fashion, which is impressive considering the insane and incredibly unfamiliar circumstances her character has to deal with. Both Cruise and Diaz are juxtaposed with each other, one this energetic action hero, the other a commonplace, unassuming 30-something who’s a little freaked out by Cruise’s antics. Their on-screen chemistry is somewhat effective and helps in the film’s appeal.

All in all, Knight and Day is pretty good. The movie loses itself in the middle for a little bit, but it manages to pick itself back up towards the end. It suffers from weak jokes, but the feel is still very comical, not taking itself seriously at all and the film is an action-packed one filled with twists and turns along the way. The French-style music used in some scenes by John Powell sets the tone perfectly and household names Tom Cruise and Cameron Diaz dazzlingly carry the movie without fault. It’s not quite True Lies, nor is it Hot Fuzz, but at least it’s not the Ashton Kutcher mega-fart known as Killers.

Seven outta ten.

–Watson

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March 21, 2010 · 6:05 pm

You’re Fired? Who Gives a Shit?

Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the American public essentially already “fired” every single cast member of 2010′s Celebrity Apprentice? Every single person in the board room (arguably including Donald Trump, himself) has been rejected by society, Hollywood, the Media, etc. in a manner of speaking.

What does that mean for this year’s Celebrity Apprentice? It will without a doubt be the best fucking season ever. When the contestants have no money, influence, or dignity left to lose, anything goes! So let’s take a look at this year’s cast…in no particular order.

Daaaarryl, Daaaaarryl, Daaaaarryl...

Darryl Strawberry–Darryl’s had a hard life; a successful career, but several battles with cancer. But he is nothing if not resilient! Strawberry is king of the bounce-back. He bounced back from cancer, bounced back from soliciting sex from a police woman, bounced back from drugs and multiple divorces…but once you hit rock bottom, bouncing back becomes infinitely more difficult. What’s rock bottom, you ask? Being thrown under the bus by a bunch of D-List actors will do.

***

This asshole looks like the poster for STEP BROTHERS

Rod Blagojevich–He’s as charming and sincere as his hair cut, but this Chicago politician may not be very threatening to the other contestants. Maybe he’d strike more fear into the hearts of his opponents if he used his real name: Milorad Blagojevic. He’s got balls like grapefruits, and that’s…admirable? I guess? He should get Trump to change his catchphrase to the more succinct: “Fire all those fucking people, get ‘em the fuck out of there!” Better ratings. I’m sold already.

***

Fuck it, she's still doable.

Cyndi Lauper–Possibly the most harmless and inconsequential contestant. She broke down in the first fucking episode. It was difficult for Cyndi to admit that she was the only straight person out of all of her friends, but she overcame that obstacle. It’s tough being the only person out of everyone you care about to not be a socially and politically disregarded. Poor Cyndi. She’s either the sweetest person in the world, or mildly retarded. Either way: essential for the entertainment of the show.

***

She's kinda the hip, annoying mom version of Sarah Palin

Sharon Osbourne–As the mostly plastic, almost-as-famous, sidekick to Ozzy Osbourne, she has made a career out of being loud, irrational, irritating, and all-around cunty. If she were your girlfriend, all of your friends would hate her, but since she’s on The Apprentice, it all works out. Like Darryl Strawberry, she also survived colon cancer, which makes her strong and determined. Safe bet FTW.

***

No cowboy hats in heavy metal unless you're Ted fucking Nugent.

Bret Michaels–Remember that guy from VH1′s Rock of Love? The media couldn’t turn this redneck heavy metal icon into a giant pussy, they wouldn’t have done their job. Bret’s getting old, and any aging rockstar is going to start getting less and less bad-ass, but you can’t get knocked out by an onstage backdrop and cry on television and still be the lead singer of a band that angsty teens still idolize on ironic t-shirts they bought at Hot Topic. It doesn’t work!

***

Holy shit--is there anything higher than a 10?

Holly Robinson Peete–I have to cheer for Holly. She’s a Philly chick, her dad was Gordon on fucking Sesame Street, she was on 21 Jump Street, and Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper! This sexy black mamba has got it all–well, everything except money, I’d imagine…otherwise she probably wouldn’t be lowering herself to a reality show where a businessman who has failed on multiple occasions derides forgettable celebrities for not flipping burgers fast enough.

***

You have to be a lesbian to be a funny female comedian. It's the masculinity.

Carol Leifer–Laughter may be the best medicine, but it couldn’t keep this comedienne from being eliminated in the first fucking episode. I can’t blame her though–being a Jewish Lesbian Vegan should’ve put her out of the running before the show started. Unfair handicap.

***

As long as he doesn't go Chris Benoit on his house-mates.

Bill Goldberg–Amongst his incredible accomplishments is having the longest undefeated streak in Pro-Wrestling history, which, in all honesty, is on par with having the longest undefeated streak being Michael Cera and playing yourself in movies. Wrestling’s fake, guys. Get used to it. Sure, it takes a degree of athletic ability, but if the outcome is predetermined, it’s not a sport–it’s just staring at muscle-men in their underwear and trying not to get a boner.

***

I take it back, I hope she wins.

Maria Kanellis–If anyone knows the INs and OUTs of big business, it’s a supermodel. Naturally, you have to have some young and attractive people on the show, or nobody would watch–but if anyone actually expects this living fantasy to win, you’re probably just as devoid of any semblance of rational thought. Ever wonder how guys can pass tests or function in the real world when they’re always thinking with their dicks?

***

Cooking oil made from recycled panties.

Curtis Stone–If you have eye candy for dudes, you have to balance it out with some sexy Australian man-meat for the ladies. Not only is he a portrait of masculinity and sex appeal, he’s a world-famous chef. Never heard of him? That’s because he’s fucking your girlfriend right now.

***

Figure THIS Out!

Summer Sanders–If she didn’t make your penis feel funny when you were a kid, you probably didn’t have cable. She is a gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer and the first female host of a Nickelodeon game show: Figure it Out. She’s a sports chick, so that should tighten your trousers, too–but the only thing I care about is her presence during Nickelodeon’s glory days.

***

I honestly don't understand how the Women's Team loses.

Selita Ebanks–Add another check to the list of sexy models who fail in their attempts to do anything outside of modeling. She’s gorgeous, she’s young, she’s fucking Caymanian (which is a term you don’t hear too often)–so what’s she doing on The Apprentice? Fuck if I know, but I’m watching!

***

Best. Picture. Ever.

Michael Johnson–Why can’t a brother be The Apprentice? He’s an accomplished Olympic athlete and motivational speaker. Should give him a leg-up against the competition. His Wikipedia page has no mention of him being a part of this show, so I’m thinking he just happened to be in the area the day the producers realized: “Oh shit! We need at least 2 black guys. One black guy looks like you’re just making quota, but 2 legitimately seems like we’re not being racially biased.”

***

That shirt is just made of crazy.

Sinbad–Oh, shit! How could I forget Sinbad? I’d imagine the same way the rest of the world has. Does Sinbad count as a third black guy? I’m going to assume he doesn’t. If Sinbad wins Celebrity Apprentice, I want to have a parade. I have a suspicion that he will lie, cheat, and work his ass off to win this. I mean, what else does Sinbad have?

–AlexG/

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September 6, 2009 · 6:58 pm

Trailers of the Weak: The Best of Fall

alexbwThe exciting Summer Movie Season is over, but fear not, you film lovers, you—because the Fall Movie Previews are up running. There are still plenty of movies for you to throw your money at while praying to your god’s deaf ears that they will be worth your while. The secrets out! The almost certainly won’t be. Let’s gaze deeper into the Fall Trailers of the Weak! 

The Vampire’s Assistant—I have a feeling that John C. Reilly committed some sort of horrendous crime in a past life. That would be the only rationale behind the laundry list of crap-movies he’s legally obligated to appear in. The Vampire’s Assistant is based on another in a similar laundry list of teen-vampire-book-series. While the film itself may seem almost watchable, it’s just giving further encouragement to the industry that keeps shitting out these kids’ vampire dramas. Fuck it.

The Fourth Kind—If you weren’t scared shitless by Close Encounters of the Third Kind, you’re probably amongst the sane people who will be avoiding this movie. Milla Jovovich, reprising her role as the dead-serious-intense-staring female lead in a science fiction flick, this time decides to present it as a “true story.” In psycho-babble, a “close encounter of the fourth kind” is an alien abduction; however, it should probably refer to an encounter with a psychologist whose first-fucking-logical-hypothesis is that you were abducted by fucking aliens. 

Trucker—Replace Mickey Rourke in The Wrestler with a truck-driving chick with smaller tits and you’ve got yourself another dynamically bland indie film that’s bound to make a grown man weep. 

Untitled—Whether it succeeds or not in its breath-taking pretentiousness and not-so-subtle plagiarism of Art School Confidential remains to be seen, but I’m going to give this two thumbs up, and A-for-Effort, and my confidence that this could be the only movie I see this Fall.

Fantastic Mr. Fox—I take that back. If this movie is half as incredible as the amount of work that went into making it, it will be an instant classic. I can’t imagine Wes Anderson not being able to pull that off. 

Dark Room Theater—It’s a good thing that this film is going to be released on September 11th, so that we Americans can consider two horrifying national disasters on the same day. Two birds—one stone. 

The Horse Boy—Don’t let the title fool you. This is a documentary about a family taking their autistic child to Mongolia for some therapeutic healing. There’s something about taking a retarded kid to Mongolia that just seems wrong to me. 

Brief Interviews with Hideous Men—John Krasinski’s directorial debut yields exactly what one would expect: subtle, tongue-in-cheek comedy in an IFC casing, featuring a list of comic-actors so extensive that it can only be safe to say it’ll be…kinda funny? 

Sorority Row—Are people really going to see this? Do they think we’re children? Go fuck yourselves! 

Whip It—I’m not entirely sure what to do here. Essentially, Drew Barrymore has decided that her directorial debut would be using Ellen Page to capitalize on the popularity of Juno, while offering relatively nothing new. That being said, I’ll probably see it just to spite myself. 

Youth in Revolt—All of you fuckers who said, “Michael Cera can only play Michael Cera” can suck it! He can play Michael Cera and Michael Cera with a mustache! 

Aladin—This modern-day interpretation of the story of Aladdin told through the magic of Bollywood is bound to be the greatest movie no one will ever see. 

The Boys are Back—Watching Clive Owen cry is as cripplingly depressing as seeing Arnold Schwarzenegger sitting stationary behind the governor’s desk. 

Leslie, My Name is Evil—If there’s one thing you don’t see enough of in romantic comedies, it’s Charles Manson. 

Bronson—If I miss this movie, I don’t think I’ll be able to live with myself. This trailer is refreshing, original, sexy, and off-the-wall. While we’re all sitting shiva waiting for Guy Ritchie to come back, we have Nicolas Winding Refn offering us delicious lemonade and Rice Krispie Treats. 

One Good Man—I’m sorry, can we make a rule, please? Mormons aren’t allowed to have their own movies unless there’s at least one black guy in them. With reviews like, “Captures the spirit of Mormonism,” I can’t help but be confused. I didn’t notice any fear, bigotry, infidelity, racism, or arrogant ignorance in the trailer…hmmm…maybe they’re talking about a different “spirit on Mormonism.” 

Adventures of Power—Some may accuse me of writing lazy reviews…but I may accuse some of making lazy movies. There is not one element of this movie that makes it look “good.” But at the same time, it’s probably going to be effortlessly hilarious. 

The Box—As intense and original as this film may look, I must still take issue with PG-13 Cameron Diaz film entitled The Box, simply because of the 0% chance that we will actually be seeing Cameron Diaz’s “box.”

–Alex G/

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June 21, 2009 · 9:37 pm

Trailers of the Week (Summer Edition!)

alexbwIt’s officially the first week of Summer, so I figured I’d bring back some quick Trailer reviews for all of you movie-lovers who are craving the sweet nectars of the potentially disappointing films that are made to look watchable by enticing advertisements.

I know that these aren’t movies that are being released in the next three months, but you’ll like these better.

Let’s dive right in to the sexy madness.

Dead Snow–Zombie Nazis?! Eat your heart out, Tarantino. You just got faced.

Untitled Michael Moore Project–Michael Moore’s slowly turning from a funny fat guy into Boss Nass from The Phantom Menace.

Zombieland–Were you one of the dozen people who saw Adventureland and thought: “You know what this movie needs? Comedy–I mean…Zombies.” Well, you fished your wish!

Cold Souls–Paul Giamatti takes the opportunity to remind us all how boring Paul Giamatti is.

Twilight: New Moon–The people who taught your underage daughters that vampires are sexy take a hot stab at beastiality. How many monsters can this girl fuck?

The Crypt–Remeber when you saw ________, and said it was the worst horror movie ever? I hope you like being wrong.

There are some gems out there. Several of them were mentioned in my last Trailer Review piece…but overall, I have to question the rationale behind a lot of these new titles.

But, you know what? I am going to see the shit out of Zombieland.

–Alex G

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May 22, 2009 · 8:17 pm

Trailers of the Week: Memorial Day Edition

alexbwBefore you start to fling about your rampant accusations, let me just say–in my defense–that I am inflicted with the most horribly debilitating of physical and psychological diseases. No, it’s not Swine Flu. It’s Summer Laziness. The symptoms of which are chronic procrastination, writer’s block, and an ever-increasing ass-groove in what had once been a perfectly usable sofa.

I have written (and brought forth from others) a plethora of fine material with which all you fun-junkies can shoot up, snuff up, or swallow up for quite some time. My recent activity has been lax; and by lax I mean insignificant; and by insignificant I mean I’ve done fuck all in the past few days.

I’m granting Dave (the recently missing member of the site) a bit of a grace period for article writing. Truth be told, by this I mean, I just don’t have the energy to demand much anymore.

I’ll keep up my duties to the best of my ability, while retaining some semblance of unfounded hope that there is some Biblical face-melting Ark of the Covenant full of sparklingly witty original material buried somewhere under the piles of clothes, trash, and artifacts of gobbledygook in Dave’s room; which, if a mini-shit-storm apocalypse should come tomorrow, would be looked upon by future generations of Archaeologist Mole People with puzzled solemnity.

Fuck that was a long sentence.

Now, let’s get to all those new Movie Trailers that you may or may not need to see (unless you can’t see–in which case, don’t go to the movies. You’ll creep people out).

Pontypool–The tag line is “Shut Up or Die.” Which may be good advice for the Zombie genre. We’ll see if this can make the pain of Zombie Strippers go away.

Sherlock Holmes–Guy Ritchie doing what he does best; making us all forget how fucking boring England really is.

The Brothers Bloom–Wonderful to see the writer/director of one of my favorite movies tackling such a huge film. If the movie meets the expectations presented by the trailer, I’m going to be wading balls-deep through awesomeness.

Gamer–Is there no limit to Gerard Butler’s obscenely polymorphous cinematic valiance? All kidding aside, this looks like the single greatest kick-in-the-cunt action movie ever.

Beyond a Reasonable Doubt–Michael Douglas seems to be prepping his bad-guy game for the inevitable sequel to Wall Street; but even so, this film doesn’t go far beyond being a “fun afternoon” for a bored housewife who doesn’t feel like cracking a book. She will then proceed to tell her children how wonderful and suspenseful the movie was, but when they see it, they’ll be sure to think it sucks beyond a reasonable doubt.

Precious–Oprah and Tyler Perry thought Notorious was unfair and decided to make a movie about a the rise of a morbidly obese girl instead.

9–Seems like one of those Tim Burton movies that no one will really like, but if you work at Hot Topic, you’ll kindof have to force it.

Nine–Yes, that’s right. Same title…just spelled out this time. And this one is a sexy musical starring some women you thought were dead, some you wish were dead, and that guy who drinks your milkshake.

Street Dreams–I have absolutely no interest in this gritty skateboarding flick…and that’s coming from someone who just reviewed Precious just minutes ago.

Aliens in the Attic–Unless this is sequel to Hider in the House, I’m not even going to give it the time of day. No Busey, no Movie!

Baby on Board–Two points. One, they already made this movie. It was called The Break-Up. Two, if this suckfest stays in theaters for more than 48 hours, I’m going to write an angry letter to the President.

The Girlfriend Experience–The big acting debut of porn star Sasha Grey doesn’t look nearly as compelling as it probably should. I picture her doing an artsy flick, but this looks stale and unfinished. I feel like I’m back in art school.

The Ugly Truth–Remember what I said about Gerard Butler? His rugged charm sucks you in to a trailer that should, by all Matthew McConaughean means repel the shit out of any serious film nut. Fuck you, Gerard Butler! You make me want to see a romantic comedy that anyone with half-a-fucking-gerbil-brain knows what the ending will be!

Yesterday Was a Lie–Sci-Fi Film Noir should have began and ended with Blade Runner. This unwatchable mockery of classic cinema makes Community College Film Students look like Fritz fucking Lang.

Gooby–Try to watch this trailer without laughing. I fucking dare you. This movie looks so appallingly and unfathomably ridiculous that I can’t help but watch it again just to make sure I didn’t make it all up. Warning: Who ever sees this movie has tasted death. What the flying fuck???

Children of Invention–I almost certainly won’t see this in theaters…but I’m not sure why. Must be the Asians.

Twistee Treat–I’m starting to become disillusioned with Independent Film…I applaud the effort, and I’m unmistakably jealous, but I’m still not going to see your shitty movie.

Whatever Works–Larry David as Woody Allen as Larry David.

$9.99–The onslaught of movies with “Nine” in the title is interminable. This film, however, looks beautiful, imaginative, and I almost can’t wait to see it.

District 9–I’ll end with another “Nine” movie here. Maybe Hollyweird is on to something with this whole “Nine” thing. This pseudo-documentary looks brilliant. My faith in the future of cinema has been rejuvenated. If there were some omniscient, omnipresent being living amongst the clouds, this would be the time to thank it, sincerely.

And with that, I shall take my leave of you. Don’t be a stranger, and please keep watching good movies. It’s our only defense against Hollywood feeding us another Summer crap-a-thon.

–Alex G

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