Tag Archives: status

The 5 People You Meet at House Parties

alexbwThe house party is a fascinating beast. I speak not of a social gathering amongst friends; a situation in which you are familiar with at least 75% of the individuals in attendance. The unholy creature which I am attempting to illustrate reeks more of something out of lore–a somewhat biblical behemoth that devours the self that you had once thought to possess.

I am yet to have the pleasure (or bear the burden) of hosting a proper house party, but I’ve made valiant efforts. Perhaps my most honest effort for an all-out, strangers-invited, sleaze-fest was that which resulted in a solemn farewell to my past-due virginity.

The fucktual conquest is, in part, what makes the house party so epically sexy; however, once your adult life has taken precedence over the need to stick your dick in everything warm, this concept takes a back seat to the far more mature venture of drinking until you’ve found new and interesting ways to prove to friends and strangers alike that you’re an unapologetic cunt.

When forced to account for your evening, to the best of your recollection, you have the unavoidable tendency to break down the party’s turn-out to at least five distinguishable characters…and here they are:

1. The Greeter. No matter how you found out about this party, no matter how close your relationship is with the individual(s) throwing the party, this guy still thinks he’s got some kind of “winning edge.” The Greeter seems to think that this party is some kind of variable reality show of which he has unfailingly found himself in the initial rounds.

Dont you just want to be BEST friends?!

Don't you just want to be BEST friends?!

He won’t talk your ear off like some others, but he will make goddamn sure that everyone, in every room, knows who he is…whether you give a shit or not.

2. The Vanishing Act. Often this tends to be one of your friends; or the person you happened to actually know at the gathering. You’ll part ways for about five-to-ten minutes, at which time the ‘friend’ will completely disappear without a trace for the remainder of the evening.

She must have been the belle of the ball.

She must have been the belle of the ball.

As you ask around, you’ll learn that she “got drunk”…”was tired”…or “I don’t know who that bitch is.” In reality, no one knows what happened, and by morning, neither will she.

3. The Beer Pong Douche. First off, I know it’s “officially” called Beirut, but if you go to a party and actually call it that…you’re this guy. A house party is hardly a party (or a house) without the obligatory beer pong table. It’s a Frat Pack game, but everyone gets in on the action because they don’t want to be called a “fag.”

Like doing keg-stands, beer bongs, or shotguns…except, those things are stupid.

The ball can only bounce once, but only if Im throwing it.

The ball can bounce twice, but only if I'm throwing it.

The most note-worthy characteristic of the Beer Pong Douche is that no matter who he is, he is somehow under the impression that the game belongs to him. He’ll keep score, explain his rules, tell you what you’re doing wrong, breathe down your neck while you play, and tell you that you suck at a game that’s more retarded than he is.

4. The Black Guy. Maybe I’m just going to the wrong parties, but typically there is a single black man who attracts attention like a pickled baby in a Freak Show jar. This black guy tends to either be someone’s gay friend, someone’s only black friend, or just a guy with dreads that happens to work at the Starbucks next door.

The Black Guy is almost always the best person to hold a conversation with because when he drinks, he gets more awesome, as opposed to everyone else at the party who drinks until they feel the need to relate to you a story about how they shit the bed at their ex-girlfriend’s house.

I remember this guy from last night.

I remember this guy from last night.

On the other hand, of course, there have been occasions in which several black guys have been in attendance; however they’re usually twice as old as everyone else and high as shit before anyone even starts drinking.

5. The Mom. Fortunately, not my mom, your mom, or anyone’s mom that you know of. It’s not fair that after several hours of binge-drinking, she still doesn’t quite become the MILF that you hoped she would.

No one at the party seems to know who the fuck she is, and she winds up being the loudest, most obnoxious person in attendance. The party will come to a complete halt when she manages to find herself doing a face-plant on the pavement outside…

This usually happens at around 5am

This usually happens at around 5am

…but if you try to help her, she’ll only wind up telling you to “hit her up on Facebook.”

…and if you do that, you’ll find yourself flipping through pictures of her embarrassing her awkward teenage son at a birthday party that he will be trying to forget for the rest of his life.

Alex G/

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An Ode to the Facebook Status

ryanbestLet me preface this by saying that I have entirely too much free time. I work three days a week and sit around monitoring what I eat and trying my damnedest to have the most achievement points out of anyone in my clan (fuck you, Mike). I am wholly enamored by Facebook, and wish I knew more people in real life so that I could know them in fake life.

I don’t even have to talk to people in real life anymore, less so than pre-Facebook when I sat on AIM all day looking at peoples away messages. It’s probably one of the best (worst) things to happen to me.

And with all this social networking, comes that “WHAT I’M DOING NOW” shit. You could be twittering, skittring, yonkly-ing, kwipping, shitting or pissing – and everyone can see it. And that brings me to the main topic at hand. Out of all the futile services we could all be using to tell each other everything all the time, most of us are using Facebook.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. I wore JNCOs once because everyone else was, too.

However, the “Facebook status” feature is the most voyeuristic and hilarious part of the entire service. I can see what some poor slob from High School is going through without even having to ask or in some cases EVER HAVING TALKED TO THEM. It comforts me to know that Terry Bo Berry was feeling alienated…about an hour ago.

There are several categories of status users. I work for SUPER DAMAGE PER SECOND, (SuperDPS.com) and I’m here to help.

Okay, first off you have what I call the ‘Sylvia Plath Status User’. This user is rare in my case, as I only have two or three in my feed at any one time. They supply me with the most harrowing views of self deprecation that you might only read about in a Louie Anderson book, except I’m not lining Louie Anderson’s pockets with little boy fucker money.. ITS FREE.

Examples:
Jerry McStevens is wrong all the time, wish I never fucked up. 4 hours ago

Erica Marshtron is completely alone and devoid of any human contact, I shouldn’t have done it :(. 30 minutes ago

Tabitha Ploursheim put all of her cards on the table and they were washed away with the gale force winds of dishonesty and hatred. 4 seconds ago

Next on the list is the ever-so-cunning: “Holy fuck I can use my name in song lyrics” status updater. I am guilty. Guilty as sin. I love it. Live for it, actually. It’s great. It’s like, I can be as brilliant as these lyrics because these lyrics… are how I FEEL.

There are so many opportunities to this because, on one hand, you can either be viewed as someone who is extremely emotional and down to earth or you could be seen as someone who just really digs that song, given the reader knows the lyric. I’ve even gone so far as to Google peoples’ statuses with a “+lyrics” modifier just to see how for real they are.

Examples:
Randicus is sleeping in his shoes and dreaming of the worst; living dirty lies. 21 hours ago

Harrison Bergeron is wondering how come every time I come round my London Bridge wanna go down. 35 minutes ago

Tiger Woods knows that one day baby, it’s really gonna grow, yes it is. Yesterday

Thirdly, lest we not forget the most annoying brand of updaters: the “is’ers”.

Before the new Facebook came around, your status could only be prefixed with “is”. So instead of something like “Randicus wants,” it would be Randicus is wanting. You couldn’t get rid of the is. There are still people that leave the “is” before they continue their thought.

I’m not sure if it is a sort of ‘Facebook stigma‘ and pretty soon our generation will be speaking in the third person and we will all be is’ing everything, or if it is just a mistake, but it makes me fucking nuts.

Examples:

Gordon Freeman is SUPER BOWL YEAH BIRDS DO THAT SHIT YAE YAE. an hour ago

Leif Erickson is where is my remote? 24 minutes ago

Omar Little is take me to a movie!!! 17 hours ago

I’m sure there are plenty more, but those are the big ones that are taking up space in my brain right now. And with all the other shit bouncing around in there, I had to get it out. I need that brain power to focus on more important things, like achievement points and maintaining a healthy diet. So fuck off, I got work to do.

Randicus.

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