For those of you who may be uncertain, this is indeed a significant time in the relatively brief history of humanity. Our species has advanced to the point where we can say “go fuck yourself” to those dumb-ass blankets, quilts, and comforters that have kept us warm for so long. It’s time for a new dream, a reformed vision–the revolution will surely have sleeves.
The phenomenon of blankets with sleeves can not possibly be a good sign. When a humorous fad gains speed, there’s really no stopping it until everyone owns one–or knows someone who owns one. We’ve learned our lesson with the Sham-Wow.
Sure, it outperforms Zorbees, but that’s like saying that a paper-shredder outperforms a hole-punch to more effectively destroy your money.
The Snuggie has managed to successfully saturate the market while remaining consistently inferior to its fellow sleeved blanket products. Should $20 product that is rated by users as being essentially a slightly thicker hospital gown continue to outsell its superiors? Perhaps a better question would be: Should we even be allowed to have blankets with sleeves at all?
Snuggie‘s Satanic cult cloak design will go down a long and dangerous road ending in an unquestionably lazy, fat, and slightly warmer populus. At GetSnuggie.com, one may find information on joining this cult of comfort along with the fabrication of a lifestyle associated with close, warm relationships with your family and friends.
But that’s only the tip of the iceberg. Like its religious counterparts, Snuggie has already branched out to cover insane new markets.
Has the ineptitude of religion and consumerism reached such levels that we actually wear this product–this cloth reminder of a terrible decision made weeks before–out of the house? We mock ourselves with a tacky leopard or zebra print Snuggie, and mock our pets by spreading our misfortune to them.
It may seem harmless at first, but when you spend all of your free time lazing around in your Snuggie, you’ll shortly find that your piss-stained, crumb-covered, sweaty sleeved blanket will begin to fit you like a tube top.
If the Snuggie continues on its current path, I can see the future being quite, quite dark. On the other hand, you’ll already be appropriately dressed to worship the Dark Master of your shadowy future. But what if he prefers the Slanket?
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