As you know, we’ve just ushered in a new decade. We are no longer in the “zeroes” or the “aughties,” we are officially in the–I don’t know–the “tens(?)” The last decade has brought us some of the most incredible inventions that we now take for granted. One of these numerous technological marvels has served to effectively ruin my life.
I bought my Segway at the beginning of 2002. I’d been saving up since it had been released in December ’01–and I had pre-ordered it so I would be ensured to receive one as soon as the next shipment arrived.
I’m a major tech nerd so when I heard there would be a new secret technology released for the new Millenium (which actually legitimately began in 2001, duhh) I was all over it! lol
All I knew about “IT” was that it was called “IT.” I knew it was something that would change my life…something that would turn my whole world around. What began as a fantastic new science fiction form of transportation soon became an incomparable nightmare.
It wasn’t long before I realized that people stopped looking at me like I was from the future. They gazed upon me with anger; anger over the idea that I was wheeling along beside them at walking speed, 8 inches taller, wearing a helmet and goggles.
The culmination of my Segway horror was when–in public, and in broad daylight–I tumbled forward from the machine, helpless and frail, and collided with the sidewalk below. I can still hear the laughter…
I was promised separate “Segway Lanes” so I wouldn’t have to ride next to this kind of riff-raff. I was promised robots and upgrades and the fucking future of transportation!
I was promised salvation.
In the end I was left with a precursor to “green technology.” I had my Segway to glide around New York City–with my Zune, my iPhone, my MacBook, and every other unavoidably obsolete piece of 2000′s technology that I can carry on my body.
I’ve tried selling it. Nobody wants it. I’ve tried giving it away–no one knows how to use it. Back in ’01, my tech-savvy buddies were all telling me how incredibly revolutionary “IT” was…
Where are they now? –Driving around in Smart Cars with built-in GPS and touch-screen on-board computers. And I’m cursed with a Segway…and unusable piece of outdated technology thats only benefit is that I can go up ramps and park in Handicapped Spaces without question.
Fuck my life.
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