Correct me if I’m wrong, but hasn’t the American public essentially already “fired” every single cast member of 2010′s Celebrity Apprentice? Every single person in the board room (arguably including Donald Trump, himself) has been rejected by society, Hollywood, the Media, etc. in a manner of speaking.
What does that mean for this year’s Celebrity Apprentice? It will without a doubt be the best fucking season ever. When the contestants have no money, influence, or dignity left to lose, anything goes! So let’s take a look at this year’s cast…in no particular order.
Daaaarryl, Daaaaarryl, Daaaaarryl...
Darryl Strawberry–Darryl’s had a hard life; a successful career, but several battles with cancer. But he is nothing if not resilient! Strawberry is king of the bounce-back. He bounced back from cancer, bounced back from soliciting sex from a police woman, bounced back from drugs and multiple divorces…but once you hit rock bottom, bouncing back becomes infinitely more difficult. What’s rock bottom, you ask? Being thrown under the bus by a bunch of D-List actors will do.
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This asshole looks like the poster for STEP BROTHERS
Rod Blagojevich–He’s as charming and sincere as his hair cut, but this Chicago politician may not be very threatening to the other contestants. Maybe he’d strike more fear into the hearts of his opponents if he used his real name: Milorad Blagojevic. He’s got balls like grapefruits, and that’s…admirable? I guess? He should get Trump to change his catchphrase to the more succinct: “Fire all those fucking people, get ‘em the fuck out of there!” Better ratings. I’m sold already.
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Fuck it, she's still doable.
Cyndi Lauper–Possibly the most harmless and inconsequential contestant. She broke down in the first fucking episode. It was difficult for Cyndi to admit that she was the only straight person out of all of her friends, but she overcame that obstacle. It’s tough being the only person out of everyone you care about to not be a socially and politically disregarded. Poor Cyndi. She’s either the sweetest person in the world, or mildly retarded. Either way: essential for the entertainment of the show.
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She's kinda the hip, annoying mom version of Sarah Palin
Sharon Osbourne–As the mostly plastic, almost-as-famous, sidekick to Ozzy Osbourne, she has made a career out of being loud, irrational, irritating, and all-around cunty. If she were your girlfriend, all of your friends would hate her, but since she’s on The Apprentice, it all works out. Like Darryl Strawberry, she also survived colon cancer, which makes her strong and determined. Safe bet FTW.
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No cowboy hats in heavy metal unless you're Ted fucking Nugent.
Bret Michaels–Remember that guy from VH1′s Rock of Love? The media couldn’t turn this redneck heavy metal icon into a giant pussy, they wouldn’t have done their job. Bret’s getting old, and any aging rockstar is going to start getting less and less bad-ass, but you can’t get knocked out by an onstage backdrop and cry on television and still be the lead singer of a band that angsty teens still idolize on ironic t-shirts they bought at Hot Topic. It doesn’t work!
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Holy shit--is there anything higher than a 10?
Holly Robinson Peete–I have to cheer for Holly. She’s a Philly chick, her dad was Gordon on fucking Sesame Street, she was on 21 Jump Street, and Hangin’ with Mr. Cooper! This sexy black mamba has got it all–well, everything except money, I’d imagine…otherwise she probably wouldn’t be lowering herself to a reality show where a businessman who has failed on multiple occasions derides forgettable celebrities for not flipping burgers fast enough.
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You have to be a lesbian to be a funny female comedian. It's the masculinity.
Carol Leifer–Laughter may be the best medicine, but it couldn’t keep this comedienne from being eliminated in the first fucking episode. I can’t blame her though–being a Jewish Lesbian Vegan should’ve put her out of the running before the show started. Unfair handicap.
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As long as he doesn't go Chris Benoit on his house-mates.
Bill Goldberg–Amongst his incredible accomplishments is having the longest undefeated streak in Pro-Wrestling history, which, in all honesty, is on par with having the longest undefeated streak being Michael Cera and playing yourself in movies. Wrestling’s fake, guys. Get used to it. Sure, it takes a degree of athletic ability, but if the outcome is predetermined, it’s not a sport–it’s just staring at muscle-men in their underwear and trying not to get a boner.
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I take it back, I hope she wins.
Maria Kanellis–If anyone knows the INs and OUTs of big business, it’s a supermodel. Naturally, you have to have some young and attractive people on the show, or nobody would watch–but if anyone actually expects this living fantasy to win, you’re probably just as devoid of any semblance of rational thought. Ever wonder how guys can pass tests or function in the real world when they’re always thinking with their dicks?
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Cooking oil made from recycled panties.
Curtis Stone–If you have eye candy for dudes, you have to balance it out with some sexy Australian man-meat for the ladies. Not only is he a portrait of masculinity and sex appeal, he’s a world-famous chef. Never heard of him? That’s because he’s fucking your girlfriend right now.
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Figure THIS Out!
Summer Sanders–If she didn’t make your penis feel funny when you were a kid, you probably didn’t have cable. She is a gold medal-winning Olympic swimmer and the first female host of a Nickelodeon game show: Figure it Out. She’s a sports chick, so that should tighten your trousers, too–but the only thing I care about is her presence during Nickelodeon’s glory days.
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I honestly don't understand how the Women's Team loses.
Selita Ebanks–Add another check to the list of sexy models who fail in their attempts to do anything outside of modeling. She’s gorgeous, she’s young, she’s fucking Caymanian (which is a term you don’t hear too often)–so what’s she doing on The Apprentice? Fuck if I know, but I’m watching!
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Best. Picture. Ever.
Michael Johnson–Why can’t a brother be The Apprentice? He’s an accomplished Olympic athlete and motivational speaker. Should give him a leg-up against the competition. His Wikipedia page has no mention of him being a part of this show, so I’m thinking he just happened to be in the area the day the producers realized: “Oh shit! We need at least 2 black guys. One black guy looks like you’re just making quota, but 2 legitimately seems like we’re not being racially biased.”
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That shirt is just made of crazy.
Sinbad–Oh, shit! How could I forget Sinbad? I’d imagine the same way the rest of the world has. Does Sinbad count as a third black guy? I’m going to assume he doesn’t. If Sinbad wins Celebrity Apprentice, I want to have a parade. I have a suspicion that he will lie, cheat, and work his ass off to win this. I mean, what else does Sinbad have?
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I know this is long overdue but it’s one of those things that you have to do. Like talk to relatives! 2009 has not been the best year for me. In fact, it was quite possibly the worst. Started out with my grandfather passing away (his funeral being the day right before my birthday), my mother getting diagnosed with breast cancer, our house getting broken into ( a week after she was diagnosed), rising insurance rates on my car, getting laid off from my job, and my two year relationship with my girlfriend ended. Oh and my cat got hit by a car and killed. On my sister’s birthday.
