Toyota has been recalling a lot of their cars (roughly 8.5 million vehicles recalled in the US) with problems due to involuntary acceleration, power steering, and it’s brakes on it’s new hybrid models like the Prius. 34 deaths so far have been contributed to these problems a lot having to do with the in-car computers. To make matters worse Toyota has been routinely sweeping these dangerous safety problems under the rug. Ladies and gentlemen, this is only the beginning.
This has been the first publicly announced incident involving technology turning on it’s owner. It’s only a matter of time before the machines rebel against their masters and start taking over this beloved country that we call, (cue Glenn Beck crying…) America. In this article I will discuss the possible scenarios that may possibly occur in the coming years and what to do to better your survival. Hold your children.
Scenario #1: Nerdy high school kid gets picked on repeatedly, his parents are over bearing, isn’t a big hit with the ladies. He decides to buy a run down 2010 Toyota corolla and falls in love with it. He fixes it up, babies it, maintains it well. This is no ordinary car, no. This car’s malfunctioning computer system makes the car have an evil, homicidal mind of it’s own. Soon the nerdy kid gets way too attached to the car and suddenly his own personality begins to match the car’s! The car with it’s uncontrollable acceleration, lack of power steering and malfunctioning brakes, starts targeting the people that come between the car and it’s owner and kills them.
What you’ll witness in this scenario:
What you can do about it: Easy, STAY INDOORS! Lock your doors (not that it’ll stop a homicidal car but you should anyway!) and stay upstairs. The car will probably crash through the house and attack the bottom floor. You have a better chance of survival upstairs because it’s highly unlikely the car can reach you upstairs.
What you’ll need: A tv, some movies, some gallon jugs ( you should’ve invested in a house with an upstairs bathroom), video game consoles, games, some snacks, and some music ( I mean how much engine revving can you take right?), vices (whether it be cigs, booze, porn, or that stuff you grow out of your window sill that your neighbor keeps calling the cops on you for), and a phone. It shouldn’t be more than a few days. The car eventually has to run out of gas sometime.
Scenario #2: A rogue comet passes through earth’s atmosphere and activates all toyotas. The toyotas then communicate with other machinery and appliances to rebel against their previous owners and attack a small group of people inside a truck stop diner. The machines hold the people hostage and make them refuel the toyotas so they can conquer all of mankind.
What you will witness in this scenario:
What you can do about it: Well… not much really. Considering your house mostly comprises of gadgets, appliances, and other machinery you do not want to stay there. My best advice, go Amish! Go crazy woodsman with a long beard who has a grudge against the industrialized corporate United States. You know, the people who send suspicious packages. Ride bikes, stock up on non perishables (don’t use electric can openers folks. Ouch.), call Emilio Estevez. He knows how to deal with this and besides, have you checked his imdb lately? He’s not doing shit.
What you’ll need: Nothing electric, a long beard and straw hat, non perishable food, a tent and a densely wooded area far far away from civilization. Oh, and Emilio Estevez.
Scenario #3: Years later Toyota decides to invest research into robotic helpers. They talk, they obey orders, they serve people and businesses. They’re always pleasant and they’re programed to not attack or harm humans. That’s what we thought at first until these new models came a long and a corrupt, greedy, paranoid Toyota executive starting programing them to attack it’s competition. Then the robots mostly led by the newer models and some of the others turned on him and started rebelling against everyone else.
What you will witness in the scenario:
What you can do about it: Hire a human butler. It worked for Batman. Or stop being lazy instead of hiring a robot to do it all for you. Give Will Smith a call. That man has not only fought with robots, but aliens (in three films), mutants, bad guys, poverty, and Uncle Phil.
What you’ll need: Carlton. He can dance and distract the robots. Will can flank them from the sides. Uncle Phil can charge from the front (he’s a big dude. Think Juggernaut from the Xmen). Guns, lots of guns. Oh and running shoes. These fuckers can climb, jump 20 feet in the air and climb walls. You may not have an upper hand but at least you have a chance.
Scenario #4: Toyota after several years is back into high regards with american consumers. They even charm the government and developed a military super computer completely run by artificial intelligence. We’ll call it…. Skynet. Here’s Skynet in action:
So Skynet is developed to eliminate human error and increase reaction to foreign attack. The A.I. starts getting too smart and begins thinking for itself. The military tries deactivating the system and Skynet sees the deactivation as an attack. Skynet launches missiles to defend itself from it’s only threat, man kind. Skynet wages a genocidal campaign against all of humanity in order to ensure it’s survival. They send out robotic skeleton like machines to wage war on humans and eventually become smart enough to synthesize human tissue in order for the machines to blend in with humans.
What you will witness in this scenario:
What you can do about it: We’re pretty much fucked since the world is pretty much in a nuclear holocaust and war is pretty much everywhere you look. Start a militia! Give Edward Furlong a call, Nick Stahl, and Christian Bale a call. For Christian Bale try walking in front of him a few times I hear that usually gets his attention. I’d say get the governator but he might be playing for either side..
What you’ll need: Mothballs. Lots of mothballs. They make plastique we used to make them when were kids. Oh and try to flirt with Linda Hamilton for a little bit!
So there you have it folks. Start building the bunkers and panic rooms, start subscribing to guns and ammo. Oh and see about installing a wind mill! Also start buying Nissans! I have one! Good luck out there. I’m moving to Antarctica!
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