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A Late Review: Toy Story 3

Who loves Toy Story? Actually, who doesn’t love Toy Story? Adored by kids, adults and critics alike, the series is truly a tour de force in filmmaking history. The original, being the first feature to come out of the legendary Pixar Animation Studios, revolutionised the way animated films were made, and the sequel demonstrated that another instalment in a film franchise does not necessarily mean a dip in quality. If you don’t love them, I’m afraid to tell you that you have no soul. Yes, I’m talking to you, Armond White.

The third episode obviously had a lot to live up to and the chances of mass disappointment were immensely high after the astonishing praise the series has received thus far. Then again, it is Pixar we’re talking about here, so, taking this into account, the chances of dissatisfaction become practically zero.

It’s been 11 years since Toy Story 2, and Andy (John Morris) is about to leave for college. He’s all but forgotten about his once beloved, now neglected toys, who are desperate for the 17 year old to play with them again just like he did when he was a youngster. They’re the figurine equivalents of Michael Jackson and Pope Benedict XVI.

Although intended to go up in the attic, Woody, Buzz and the rest of the gang accidentally end up at the Sunnyside Daycare. It seems a perfect place where they will be constantly played with by groups of cute little toddlers, along with a whole bunch of other toys led by cuddly pink bear Lotso (Ned Beatty). “First thing you gotta know about me, I’m a hugger,” he says. Aawwwrr.

However, things soon take a rather sinister turn and it comes to light that Sunnyside Daycare may not be the toy palace our gang thinks it is. Woody becomes determined to break them outta there by any means possible to get back to Andy, but this proves harder than one would think.

You’ve really got to admire Pixar, you can tell they put a heck of a lot of work into each film they assemble. Not to say that this is not true for Dreamworks’, their recent pictures such as How To Train Your Dragon and Kung Fu Panda were both first-class flicks. But Pixar, in my opinion, will always come out on top when compared to other animation studios out there.

Toy Story 3 is unmistakable evidence of this, it’s undoubtedly one of their most beautiful productions yet. I would say that it is on par with its predecessor, Toy Story 2, in terms of entertainment value, and Wall-E in terms of visuals and its moving nature.

The attention to detail in the animation is phenomenal, far superior to any other animated film I have ever seen. The characters’ movements are perfectly coordinated, adding to the film’s stunning look. Although I saw the film in 2D, I’m sure the 3D would work marvellously and give it that extra oomph.

The character designs are spectacular, brilliantly befitting the powerful personalities of each toy. With most of the characters being children’s playthings, much creativity is in the animator’s grasp and as expected, they have taken full advantage of this. As well as our usual heroes, there are teddy bears, a rubber octopus, a creepy looking doll, a Chatter Telephone, a Jack-in-the-box, a Musical Jolly Chimp, and many, many others.

Aside from our regular inanimate protagonists, my favourite character has to be the famous Ken, voiced by the superb Michael Keaton. He’s a hilariously vain, fashion-obsessed plastic doll who provides numerous laughs throughout the film with his intense egotism and smooth-talking demeanour. He quickly and inevitably falls for the dimwitted Barbie (Jodi Benson), whom he meets once Woody and pals arrive at the daycare centre, with uproarious results.

Tim Allen and Tom Hanks are as fabulous as ever, reprising their roles as spaceman Buzz Lightyear and cowboy Woody. They are both outstanding voice performers, they really make the characters what they are and bring them to a level of lovability unseen in most films.

Each of the supporting cast is on excellent form too, with regulars Joan Cusack as Jessie, Don Rickles as Mr. Potato Head, Wallace Shawn as Rex, John Ratzenberger as Hamm and Estelle Harris as Mrs. Potato Head. Blake Clarke has replaced Jim Varney as Slinky Dog, although I actually didn’t notice this. Ned Beatty is fantastic as Lotso with his gentle Southern accent aiding in the character’s affable attitude.

The film is a substantially touching one and in the end becomes a tearjerker. There’s one particular scene which made my eyes well up a little and the end sequence had a similar effect. We’ve been with these characters since 1995, we’ve gotten to know them so well and we feel so much for them. There are quite a few moments which should stir up those defenceless emotions of yours.

The comedy works splendidly and should be enough to tickle your ribs until you let out a loud giggle. A sequence where Buzz’s system is reset and he turns into a flirtatious, dancing Spaniard is exceedingly chuckle-worthy, as well as when Barbie tries to get information out of Ken by ripping up his prized collection of clothes.

Toy Story 3 is an incredibly sweet movie which should be enjoyed by both kids and adults. It’s funny, it’s touching, the animation is dazzling and the voice work is top-notch. It shows that Pixar is the supreme king of the animation jungle. Dreamworks is the squirrel.

Ten outta ten.

Watson

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A Heavy Rain’s Gonna Come

Since a very young age, I’ve looked to the medium of electronic arts/digital media for hope, inspiration, and most of all–fun. Virtually all video games, if you don’t count Minesweeper, used to unwaveringly be copious amounts of fun. The drawback, of course, was that they were all practically the same.

Either you were playing Super Mario Brothers or you weren’t. And if you weren’t, you were playing Tetris or Centipede or some other horrible excuse for a waste of time. Gradually, video game creators took into account that everyone who wasn’t “fucking retarded” was playing side-scrolling adventure games.

It really does look this good.

Sooner or later, everything became a side-scroller like Mario, but with guns, or fists, or whatever device served the theme of the game. But all of these games were inevitably the same. There were no core differences except for the subject matter that separated a Simpsons game from Streets of Rage.

They thought they had the market figured-the-fuck-out, and then suddenly it all changed. Nobody knew what they wanted anymore and the video game clusterfuck began.

Some wanted virtual reality. Some wanted old school side-scrollers. Some wanted to choose their own adventure, and some wanted Tetris.

When I look at what video games have become today, I feel like a frightened geriatric desperately searching a dark room for something familiar.

...and tits.

A younger me expected the future of gaming to be nothing but virtual reality. But an old and wiser me doesn’t even want to have to move from my ass-imprinted sofa to put the fucking game in, let alone to play it.

As the video games evolve, as does the subject matter. For a younger me, it was always about rescuing a Princess. An old and wiser me doesn’t give a shit about a Princess; I just want to see how many innocent civilians I can murder before the cops mow me down.

It’s not a healthy attitude to have–especially when you’re not playing a video game. (JK?)

I can’t get enough of these new experiences, characters, and stories that developers allow me to enjoy–and I’m never satisfied. Games can either be like crack or heroin. When it’s crack, it’s the most fun you’ve ever had and you’re pissed off when there’s no more. Your dealer gave you the best he could and didn’t even charge you a price comparable to what you’ve paid for lesser quality shit. And when you’re done–you’re angry.

When it’s heroin, you’re just passing time until the next one. Right now, video games are my heroin. I love the feeling, and it makes my dick hard, but I’m only really passing time until Heavy Rain is released next week.

The innovation, detail, and attention that went into Heavy Rain for PS3 blows my mind–and I can’t wait to play it. The demo drove me fucking nuts and now I’ve got bugs crawling under my skin.

Despite its criticisms, I remain delightfully optimistic that it will be one of the best gaming experiences I’ve ever had. And then, surely, it will become crack. I’ll play for hours and hours, go days without food, wind up pissing myself, finish the game…

…and then I’ll be angry. Circle of life.

Alex G/

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Few Things are More Satisfying Than Killing Nazis

Whether it be in cinema, video games, or World History, there rarely comes a moment as wholly emotionally gratifying as watching a Nazi drown in a pool of his own blood. And it is with this scenario in mind that we take this time to review two new releases: Inglourious Basterds and The Saboteur.

Inglourious Basterds is a work of historical fiction written and directed by Quentin Tarantino, released earlier this year. The World War II revenge flick was just released on DVD and Blu-Ray in time for Christmas, so now is as good a time as any to review it.

Tarantino is the master of taking a tired concept and making it fresh–and this is just what he did with Basterds. While it bears the same name as an older exploitation WWII flick, it is not a remake. This is a fresh piece of cinema that packs in enough edge-of-your-seat intensity that it becomes difficult to watch.

But what am I telling you for? You’ve almost certainly already seen it, and if not, you’re a damn fool. The film focuses on two sets of protagonists who never come into contact, but who are fighting similar battles against German Nationalists.

The first group are the Basterds–a squad of Jewish-American soldiers led by Brad Pitt. Their sole mission seems to be killing as many Nazis as possible before they bite the bullet–until a British soldier joins their team and focuses their mission on blowing up a theater full of German soldiers.

The second story is that of the Jewish owner of the theater, a young woman who barely escaped a raid on the Paris house where her family had been hiding. She swore revenge on the Nazis who killed her family, and naturally, in true Tarantino fashion–she’ll fucking get it.

It’s a very beautiful, brutal, and comical portrayal of vengeance in Nazi-occupied France. Buy this film!

If you enjoyed Inglourious Basterds, and you’re a gamer, you will adore the final release by Pandemic Studios, The Saboteur. Some of Pandemic’s releases in the past have been give-and-take, but The Saboteur has achieved a full-on grip around my attention.

The game follows the standard sandbox, character in the middle of the screen, circular map/life-bar/wanted level model as every other open world game, but it’s nice to see the new innovation.

You play as Sean Devlin, a drinking, smoking, Irish racer, mechanic, and stereotype. He’s a man’s man with a penchant for snapping Nazi spines. The only problems I can find with this game are its lackluster controls (namely for sneaking and climbing) and the excessive amount of driving necessary for an open-world Paris…

Sean’s “brother” is murdered by a particularly evil Nazi (which just seems redundant), and this sets him off on a murderous rampage of killing and destruction.

The climbing and assassinating causes me to compare this game to Assassin’s Creed, but in almost every other way, it’s Grand Theft Auto: Nazi Occupied France. The game is very good and lots of fun to play; but I’m not above honesty–and to tell you the truth–if the setting were any different, it would be a generic sandbox shooter.

Supremacists always look better like this...

Killing Nazis doesn’t necessarily make a bad game better, but it certainly doesn’t make it worse. Luckily for The Saboteur, the gameplay, story, graphics, and acting is actually very captivating–and when you pair that with killing Nazis, your weekend is full.

Alex G/

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Dragon Age: Origins–Part 5

Don’t judge me. If I had a problem, I would almost certainly admit it. Although I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure, I feel as if I am slowly approaching the end of this fucking game.

I’m well aware how possible it is that I will get to the conclusion only to be thrown naked in the middle of a forest having to essentially start the game over again. But it doesn’t seem like this is the case.

Much of the game looks like this...wandering from place to place...but it's totally worth it,

I haven’t actually reached the end yet, so I may be speaking too soon…but I’m finding myself slightly disappointed. If this truly is the end, what do I do now? There is no more map to explore, not really any more missions to accomplish…

…is life now obsolete? We’ll see. If there is no Part 6 of this stupid series of articles, you will know that I have gladly taken my own life rather than live one more miserable day in a non-Fantasy world.

Peace, fuckers.

Alex G/

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Dragon Age: Origins–Part 4

I no longer consider Dragon Age: Origins to be a meaningless game. It has become a fucking problem that needs to be solved. I don’t feel that I have a problem, per say. Suffice it to say that it is beginning to feel like an epic equation that must be evaluated for the sake of my psyche. OK, I guess that means that I do have a problem.

Forgive me–but I can’t help myself. The game is so immersive and challenging that every victory feels like a personal one. Every discovery or achievement that impacts my game playing experience causes an unmistakable feeling of real-world accomplishment.

The "moral decisions" in this game would be easier if the demons weren't so fucking sexy..

While I am no doubt addicted to this ridiculously interminable–and at times inscrutable–video game, I am still trying to figure out why I feel this way. Like the most powerful of drugs, you only want more and more, even though you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is sucking the delicate life-force from your limp, uncaring flesh sock.

I’ve won over the Elves, Mages, and Knights, but I still don’t feel that I’ve done enough to take on this Blight that faces our Kingdom. Had I actually been playing a “real” role in this Role-Playing Game, I would declare to the highest royal authorities that we’re all pretty well fucked backwards.

These epic fantasy games are supposed to help you escape from your tedious, bland life into a world of magic and tomfoolery–but how do you escape that world and get back to living your life? I think that’s the real challenge here.

On one hand, people who play World of Warcraft have something that I don’t–they are able to interact with other human beings during their gaming activity. On the other hand, I have one thing that they don’t–sex.

Alex G/

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Dragon Age: Origins–Part 3

The eloquence of organized battle has bested me once again as I stagger, dumbfounded through this elaborate and addictive game. Every fight that I find myself in is a last-ditch effort to come out on top–and while this works for me, I know that there must be an easier way. I’ve watched videos on YouTube, showing how PC users organize careful attacks on enemies; examining their opponents’ weaknesses and taking advantage.

There are no videos exhibiting my tactics, which include rampaging down the center of the battlefield, slaughtering as many monsters, soldiers, or demons as I can before I fucking die.

Once I die, I’ll switch to the next viable character. As I’ve said, I’m playing as a female Warrior (Grey Warden) named Allison. She’s pretty kick-ass, and–dare I say–quite bi-curious. Although I feel that there are an almost unlimited amount of hours remaining, it seems that I’m getting on track with the story…

…maybe I’m just delusional. My last major battle effort was against some giant dragon or some shit–who only appeared when I banged a gong–so, to avoid that, I just avoided the gong. Simple.

Now I’m in another castle (imagine that!) fighting through some evil spirits with some old cunty witch who forced her way onto my already pretty cunty team of hardcore bitches, knights, elves, and a man of stone. Let’s see how long that friendship lasts.

Alex G/

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Dragon Age: Origins–Part 2

alexbwAfter reading many reviews and playing this game so damn much–to the point that my eyelids reach unpleasant heaviness–it has become almost an essential part of my life. My version of the game came complete with two DLC codes…

One was for a free set of armor, which I can’t actually use until I reach some impossible level. The second was for the $15 Add-On, The Stone Prisoner. But I got it for free, so yous guys can suck my medieval balls.

Now, I’ve read many criticisms of the Dragon Age approach to DLC. If you haven’t heard this, I’ll enlighten you. When the game was released, two expansions were released with it. One priced at $15, and the other, around $7. I purchased the $7 release, but I was fortunate enough to have the $15 DLC included for free.

Some who bought the game were not so lucky. Not only are you essentially forced to buy these expansions in order to enjoy an “more complete” experience playing the game, but there are characters built into the game who you–when you approach–entice you to buy extra shit!

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Rihanna's ass is NOT part of Dragon Age...but it certainly should be.

These are virtual salespersons for real life wares…and it’s somewhat frightening. “The shit on the other side of this bridge is fucking awesome…it’s a shame you won’t get to see it unless you fork over $20. It’s a fucking pity, really.”

Something about this approach seems a bit dishonest; however, for those who buy the game without expansions and are too cheap to purchase them, you’ll still get a ridiculously full game with almost unlimited hours of play.

So here’s the update…I’m talking so much about the DLC because that’s what I’m involved with right now. I just completed Warden’s Keep and I’m fighting my way through The Stone Prisoner.

Unfortunately, I am not a seasoned battle RPG player. I’ve never played World of Warcraft and I fucking blow when it comes to organizing attacks. This rarely seems to be too much of a problem–as I unwittingly play a fantasy RPG as a run-and-flail-at-enemies action game…but at the moment, I am certainly seeing the error of my ways as I am repeatedly handed my own dick on a silver platter.

For now, courage.

Alex G/

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‘Fat Princess’ is Tons of Fun

alexbwFor the record, I am not a huge fan of RTS (Real Time Strategy). I suppose I was never meant to be a god…or a general…or a leader in any way, shape, or form. Commanding and Conquering large imaginary armies across an exotic turrain while casually checking my Facebook just doesn’t work for me; but for some reason, Fat Princess does.

Fat Princess isn’t exactly a fully traditional RTS, but it certainly feels like one and contains the most important elements: The sprawling and often inscrutable landscapes, the two warring factions, and the gaming fags who rack up billions of experience points in the game and then taunt you over the internet for playing it casually.

Let’s start with the story. Two kingdoms had a misunderstanding and went to war over princesses eating cake…that’s about it. Fuck it, if you have a Red Kingdom less than a mile away from a Blue Kingdom, you have to expect that some shit’s going to go down.

When playing the Single Player, there is certainly a lot of fun and action, but you don’t get the satisfaction of pwning 13-year-olds via online playing.

Essentially, in the main quests of the game, your castle has captured the other castle’s princess, and vice versa. You must keep the captured princess in your castle, while working as a team to get YOUR princess back from the opponent. In order to make this task more difficult, your opponent has been feeding your princess cake to make her heavier.

Character design is a decent feature for those who want some customization. There aren’t a ton of customization options, but everyone just turns their little character green with a red mohawk anyway.

Me, on the other hand…I choose to turn my little avatar into a cross between Thor and Zach Galafianakis…

Your avatar represents you in the game, and you only control one character who respawns every time you die…and you will die…a lot–especially in the online games.

Fat Princess has gotten loads of good scores from game critics, but fuck what they think. If you like old-school style capture the flag games and have a decent sense of humor, you’ll love it. And even though online play is frustrating as fuck, it feels like you’ve actually accomplished something when you win…but you have to keep playing, or else you’ll be forced to re-enter a world where you’re a disgusting loser with a body like fucking Grover.

Alex G/

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I’m excited about Ghostbusters III…am I stupid?

alexbwThe short answer is “no.” None of us who get a little pants-tingle over the notion of a third installment in the Ghostbusters franchise are particularly in the wrong. If you’ve played the Ghostbusters Video Game, you should have had some of that nostalgia satiated, but the need for something more often creeps unfulfilled through your daydreams like a starving  Gila monster.

Fans have been dicked around for quite some time when it comes to a Ghostbusters follow-up. We were promised a new video game to whet our appetites, and after a rigoddamndiculous delay, we finally got what was promised to be the closest to another Ghostbusters movie we were going to get. When the game received mixed reviews, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis decided “fuck it, we’ll do another one.”

The only bits of info we’re being spoonfed for this new endeavor are that Aykroyd and Ramis will be involved in production, the cast will be the same (including Rick Moranis and Sigourney Weaver), and Ivan Reitman will be somehow involved. Directing, perhaps?

This news comes via Bloody Disgusting, who also give us a sneak peek at the plot of GB3. Evidently, the new movie will involve the Ghostbusters getting old and reopening their spirit hunting business after a long period of inactivity. No shit.

Was there really any doubt about that? What else could the plot of Ghostbusters III possibly be?

But anyway, the whole cast has confirmed their involvement with the project. Reitman is on for sure, but not sure what he’ll be doing yet…and the plot involves characters that we used to love hunting trouble-making apparitions in between frequent bathroom breaks and having to ask people to “speak up.”

Can’t be any worse than Ghostbusters II.

Alex G/

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Enjoy Your Stay at Arkham Asylum

alexbwAfter a long period of waiting around for a decent Batman game to launch after the disappointing Batman Begins clusterfuck, fans of the Dark Knight are finally rewarded. I’ve played Batman games before, but it has always felt like a  typical action game featuring a central character wearing a Batman costume. Arkham Asylum created a lasting experience.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first…
–The graphics are phenomenal.
–The voice-over work is exceptional.
–The story plays out like a Batman mini-series rather than an actual film, but that’s not a bad thing. It’s more like the Animated Series that we all know and love.
–The controls are a little wonky, but once you train yourself to work past that, it flows seamlessly and effortlessly from then on.
–Sound effects are dark and often scary.

Whew…glad we got of that technical bullshit out of the way. I played through Arkham Asylum fairly quickly, but it wasn’t what I would call a “short game.” A short game can be completed by playing it 2 hours per day for about 3 days. A normal game should keep you busy for about a week…and a good game should create an addiction.

Arkham Asylum is a combination of Metal Gear Solid stealth and superhero game play. Most of the time, you’ll find yourself critically thinking out situations to eliminate all threats and remain completely unseen. Other times, you’re free to just leap into the middle of a room and kick some ass. The combination of these two seemingly incompatible game styles keeps the game interesting, flowing, and exciting.

The story, in case you didn’t know, is that the Joker gets loose in Arkham Asylum, releasing certain inmates that aid his plot to use a formula called TITAN to create a race of superhuman beasts. All of the villains in the game are used intuitively–by which I mean that at no point does a Batman nemesis simply “appear,” causing a “WTF?!” reaction. They all have a special place in the game…with the exception of Zsasz, but fuck it.

The environment is fairly “open,” but the story is linear…if that makes sense(?) You can go anywhere you like on the island to find extra trophies and solve (the Riddler’s) riddles, but there are no “side missions.” The game makes up for this by offering separate “Challenge Missions” where you can attempt high scores on various stealth or combat scenarios. Your Challenge Mode scores are then compared with others around the world.

Batman’s abilities and arsenal are updated throughout the game and through points earned by completing challenges, which has become a staple of any adventure game because it works. There are no distinct “BOSS FIGHTS” in the game, in my opinion. Every significant battle is played out through the game’s story. The game doesn’t really put you on hold for a “boss fight.”

Arkham Asylum isn’t perfect and it can often be frustrating (especially the virtually impossible Joker Challenges), but it will almost certainly be on your short list of top next generation games. The replay factor is extremely high, which is a plus for those who prefer to purchase games. It will not collect dust on the shelf for quite some time…

…but most importantly, it is the most immersive superhero game I’ve ever played. I loved Spider-Man: Web of Shadows, but this goes beyond the open world hero game. Arkham Asylum embraces the linear storyline and makes it its bitch. You will feel like you’re playing as the Batman, and not just controlling a character. You’ll have to think like Batman and move like Batman…and this game gives you every conceivable opportunity to do that.

If you haven’t played this game yet, you probably don’t like video games.

Alex G/

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