Without boring you all with a laundry list of scientific terminology, facts and figures, I’ll simply say that the Earth is relatively small. Contrary to popular belief, it has a finite amount of space in which all of us are meant to coexist. Fortunately, there are forces out there that ensure that many things won’t be running about forever; forces that may make certain that most of the things running about won’t be running about for many days longer (i.e. North Korea, Iran, and U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!)
But is this necessarily such a terrible thing? Our world is ridiculously overcrowded with plants, animals, people, and items that we don’t really need. People are living longer and outlasting their own minds–this is why your grand-mom doesn’t remember your name anymore.
Without further fucking around with compilations of nouns, verbs, and (my personal favorite) adjectives, let’s get on to our list of things that we’ve all grown out of as a society, or…things that should have never really existed in the first place.
1. Rob Schneider–While this one should unarguably be at the front of any one’s list, I think it’s about time we took it seriously. If we appropriately utilize the collective will of the world, we would find a way to set Rob Schneider adrift on some kind of self-detonating raft.
2. Student Artwork–Let’s take a couple seconds to explain this one. I know the value of art. I know the value of independent art. That being said, I would gladly see it all go the way of the Dodo if I could rid the world of those pretentious cunts who think every piece of ink they’ve ever put to paper is the Golden Shit of God and deserves to be hung in the Art Museum alongside Pollock and Warhol. The only thing that deserves to be hung is you.
3. Cancer, Aids, Disease, Famine–I mean, really. What good are they doing anyway? Oh…right…maybe we can keep Cancer then…unless…
4. “Zany” Unfunny Comedians–Just to name a few: Carrot Top, Tom Green, and (yes) Dane Cook. First of all, Carrot Top has gone from geeky college comic to Ginger Body Buider-that-kinda-looks-like-a-plastic-surgery-mistake, so ten extra creepy points. Tom Green has never been funny, and his involvement in the insult to film: Freddy Got Fingered must be grounds enough to have him fingered until the internal pressure causes him to explode. And Dane Cook…come on. Would anyone miss him?
5. Tyler Perry–Although I see the merit in writing novels and producing films (based on those novels) that show the African American family in a positive light…I think we get the fucking picture already. We’ve all seen the Cosby Show, we voted for Barack Obama, we don’t watch House of Payne or see any of your Madea movies. Real people don’t give a shit; as I’m sure real black families would rather go see the same movies any other family would want to see. Your vision of “seperate-but-equal” cinema and television is an insult to us all, sir. Good Day, Sir! Oh…and NO, TBS is not “very funny.”
6. The Rubik’s Cube–Yeah, I know you can solve it in fifteen seconds…but guess what? Fuck you! As I sit and casually type out my grievances with the world from my personal uni-bomber-type shack, my Rubik’s Cube sits and stares blankly back as me, as if to say: “Come on, ‘genius.’ I’m not solved yet…yes…look away…that’s what I thought.”
7. MySpace.com–The outcome of the Great Friendster/Myspace Battle of (two-thousand-blah) has resulted in this website taking up space on the already overcrowded internets. MySpace was a great idea. Everyone had one. It worked, and it was revolutionary. Since Facebook entered the spawning grounds, MySpace has been looking a little bleak. MySpace itself has become an over-crowded, unusable black hole of information and social networking. However, now that I think about it…if MySpace didn’t exist, Facebook might become just as bad…and no one wants that. So…we’ll keep it around—–for now…
8. Records, VHS, and Cassette Tapes–For whatever reason, some trendy shops continue to sell Vinyl. Some people collect them; especially old or original-release copies, and that’s fine. I can understand that. I’ve noticed, however, that some of these same trendy shops in question continue to sell VHS and Cassette Tapes just for kitsch value. Who is digging through a bargin bin for The Nutty Professor on VHS, or the collective words of Lovin’ Spoonful vol. 1 on Cassette? I get it, okay? Vintage is cool; and stuff that we grew up with that is no longer relevant must be even cooler. But, in case you haven’t been completely persuaded that everything that you remember from your childhood is worth bringing back, watch this: LINK!!!
9. Cats–I’ve always been a cat person. My first pet was a cat. I understand cats…I just don’t understand Cat People anymore. I am proud to say that I am a recovered Cat Person. Cats (especially the cats I’m currently living with) are stupid, annoying, smelly, messy, and stubborn creatures. Some cats can be alright, and most of this may be coming from the fact that I’m allergic to cats and every few days I seem to be cleaning up their piss (or throwing away items that they’ve pissed on). At my mom’s house, I had two cats. One is dying, and the other is probably gay.
Gay cats are decent. They’re affectionate and clean, playful and (more often than not) fat. The cats I’m living with now are mean, vindictive cunts…and neither of them are anywhere close to dying. If cats were gone tomorrow, I’d be all smiles.
10. Laziness–This one primarily applies to people. Now let’s get one thing straight here: to say that I’m not the most active person in the world is a severe understatement, likely worthy of brutal medieval punishments; however, I make every attempt to constantly be productive. I know what I want out of life and I continually try to maintain an on-going level of dedication. When I’m out, when I’m home, even when I’m essentially laying around watching a movie or playing a game, I’m considering how I can develop an idea better.
Does the world really need unproductive, unmotivated people? I’m not saying that everyone should go out running, or climb a mountain, or be Survivorman. I’m not in the best shape these days, and I have little interest in such activities. My point is this: nobody likes social laziness. If you don’t take the time to try to be a better person, the world doesn’t need you.I guess my point is mostly about intellectual laziness, but it doesn’t stop there.
If you already think you’re the best person and no further (non-surgical) modification is necessary, then you’re probably a cunt.
If you have a passion for something, you should be thinking about it all of the time. You should be working all of the time, even when you’re drinking, eating, sleeping, or being a lazy fuck like the rest of us.
It’s time to grow up. Leave your childish bullshit behind, but keep the ambition. When you were a kid, you could be anything…now you realize that you can’t…but that’s no reason to quit trying. Get off your ass, you lazy shit.
Andy Rooney can we add Andy Rooney to that list? Oh and smoking bans