from ImAFreeBtch. This is the latest single from Zowie, a New Zealand pop singer attempting to capitalize on the horrible taste in music that has enveloped the iPod generation. It’s incredible that people who actually know music are giving this song any value. I’ve listened to it twice already, just for the sake of this little piece, and I’ve managed to give myself a throbbing headache. The sound isn’t pleasant, and is almost reminiscent of that Shots Shots Shots song by LMFAO. How long can you handle this tune? I think it would be put to better use for crowd control. Don’t ‘Zowie’ me, bro!
I used to like music. Really. I tried to follow all of the newest up-and-coming bands, went to concerts regularly, attempted to stay on top of what music was getting popular. Now I don’t give a shit anymore…and here’s why.
There is a wonderful quote from Kanye West in which he proclaims himself the voice of the decade–perhaps the voice of a generation…or at least the loudest voice. Sadly, this may be true. West appears all over the Billboard charts in various songs–and while doing so–has simultaneously been responsible for some of the most memorable controversies in recent pop culture.
He's not MY president.
The independent music that I used to associate myself with fucking sucks now. It’s all electronic nonsense and experiemental bullshit. I hate the fact that we stopped progressing musically in this decade and just fucked off right back to the ’80s (the decade that destroyed music).
Let’s take a look at Billboard’s Top 25 pieces of shit that pass for music these days:
25. HOT N COLD–Katy Perry–Not a terrible song to start off the top 25, but if you’ve only heard one Katy Perry song in your life, it probably isn’t this one. She’s the one who kissed a girl and liked it, remember? Don’t worry kids. This video is just as easy to rub one out to.
24. HALO–Beyonce–This chart-topper has to be contested. There’s no way I will believe that at least 90% of the YouTube views for this song weren’t from gamers looking for cheats and walkthroughs.
23. MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU–Kelly Clarkson–Isn’t it amazing that the first ever winner of American Idol is still out and about, allowed to continue to make shitty music? Every other winner has mysteriously vanished over the years. I suspect foul play…
22. BEST I EVER HAD–Drake–For those of you who don’t know, Drake is Aubrey Graham, the actor who played Jimmy in TV’s Degrassi: The Next Generation. And he’s still breaking the hearts of pre-teens to this day…sigh…tits.
21. THE CLIMB–Miley Cyrus–A blonde wig transforms Miley Cyrus into unrecognizable pop star Hannah Montana in the hit film: Hannah Montana: The Movie. If you want to know more about the song after hearing that, you’re retarded. This song is so pop-irritating, it should feature quirky animated squirrels in 3D.
20. DOWN–Jay Sean (ft. Lil Wayne)–Is anybody else fucking tired of Lil Wayne? This mushmouth motherfucker appeared out of nowhere and he’s been ruining my life with catchy and irritating songs ever since.
19. KISS ME THRU THE PHONE–Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (ft. Sammie)–I think Soulja Boy (Tell ‘Em) needs to disappear. All he does is bitch about his fame and fortune and beg for Twitter followers. Fuck ‘em.
18. LIVE YOUR LIFE–T.I. (ft. Rihanna)–I’m actually quite fond of Rihanna, and this song got me hooked. You can’t use the Numa Numa song in Hip Hop and not be iconic to nerds everywhere…especially if you appear topless on the internets…or have a rapper name the same as our science calculators.
17. I KNOW YOU WANT ME–Pitbull–Perhaps this song’s downfalls are twofold. On one hand, Pitbull is not “featuring” any other artist, which is frowned upon. Second, this song crosses Shaggy with Mambo Number 5 and I fucking hate it.
16. BLAME IT–Jamie Foxx (ft. T. Pain)–Jamie Foxx knows that you have to feature a more innovative artist to get on the charts and that’s exactly what he did. Thanks to T. Pain, we have the miracle of using auto-tune for musical effect. Before he came along, we were just using it so sluts could hold a tune.
15. KNOCK YOU DOWN–Keri Hilson (ft. Kanye West & Ne-Yo)–You have to really try to hate Kanye West. He gives you so many reasons, yet you let his music get the best of you. It’s like water-boarding.
14. USE SOMEBODY–Kings of Leon–Kings of Leon got popular earlier on this decade, but nobody knew who the fuck they were until this year. You pay a price when you become famous though–you start to suck. Especially because they’re now about 4 albums deep.
13. YOU FOUND ME–The Fray–There’s still some rock on the Billboard Charts, believe it or not…but it’s all crap-rock. You may like the Fray, but you may also be a fag.
12. DEAD AND GONE–T.I. (ft. Justin Timberlake)–Remember when you had to be either a chick or a gaylord to like Justin Timberlake? Now you can be a smooth-rappin’ convict and be his BFF.
11. YOU BELONG WITH ME–Taylor Swift–You know, oddly enough, I actually don’t mind Taylo–sorry, sorry, I’ll finish later…I just wanted to let everyone know that Beyonce had the greatest video of all time.
10. GIVES YOU HELL–The All-American Rejects–Remember the dark days when you actually listened to The All-American Rejects? You won’t admit it, but you haven’t changed a fucking bit.
9. HEARTLESS–Kanye West–I actually didn’t know that Kanye West was a solo performer. I thought he only appeared on other artists’ albums. We all learned something today.
8. SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)–Beyonce–When you’re married to Jay-Z, you can have whatever you want…as long as you “put a ring on it.” And by “a ring,” I mean: “your lips”…and by “it,” I mean: “his cock.”
7. I’M YOURS–Jason Mraz–The geek in the pink is back. Somehow I thought this song came out before 2009, but then I remembered that all Jason Mraz’s songs sound the same.
6. RIGHT ROUND–Flo Rida–If you’re going to cover a 1985 Dead or Alive song, you have to emphasize that you’re singing about oral sex…and then top it off with a reassuring, “No Homo.”
5. LOVE STORY–Taylor Swift–I don’t get the Taylor Swift phenomenon, honestly. She’s eye candy with a sweet voice, but…oh, right.
4. I GOTTA FEELING–The Black Eyed Peas–This song depresses the shit out of me. I don’t know why, but I gotta feeling it’s because it reminds me that somewhere out there, someone is listening to this song at a killer party, and I’m stuck in a shithole apartment playing Earthworm Jim.
3. JUST DANCE–Lady Gaga (ft. Colby O’Donis)–It’s important for an unknown artist to enlist the help of another unknown artist for emotional support. Old videos of “Lady Gaga” lead me to believe that somewhere in that gruff exterior is the voice of an angel–and possibly a penis.
2. POKER FACE–Lady Gaga–This year, audio technicians (for some reason) decided to compile the most unpleasant and aggrovating noises into a collaboration they dubbed “The Most Annoying Song Ever.” I would rather listen to that on repeat for the rest of my life than hear Poker Face one more time.
1. BOOM BOOM POW–The Black Eyed Peas–Somehow I managed to avoid this song all year. I never even heard it until just recently, and I’m pretty glad. The Black Eyed Peas are hit or miss for me, and this song would only be tolerable if there were a chick grinding against you and the bass was so loud that you didn’t give a shit.
Thanks, 2009. You really destroyed every interest I had in ever listening to music again. You gave me a bunch of new bands to listen to, a bunch of new music by bands I like, and another year of shit to play non-stop on every radio station in every city.
Although, when you put ‘em all together, it’s not that bad at all…
Where have I been? I know this is only a recent development, but shit–I wish I’d have known about this sooner. Evidently, after a three year marriage with Sum 41douchebag, Deryck (fucking) Whibley, Avril has kicked him to the curb, and is now subsequently free to make new and exciting shitty decisions. Perhaps her next celebrity husband won’t have a name that sounds like he should be in a Harry Potter book.
This tends to be the problem when kids get married as soon as they can legally consume alcohol; but Avril’s from Canada, so she has no excuse. To be fair, three years is a long time for two pop-punk has-beens with self-proclaimed A.D.D. to stay together–so, cheers.
“I admire Deryck and have a great amount of respect for him,” claims an obviously lying Lavigne, “He is the most amazing person I know and I love him with all my heart.”
The doctor said my mom should've had an abortion-bortion-bortion-bortion...
Even if she could possibly be serious about this statement, the mere fact that they’re divorcing after a magical three-year relationship completely discredits her logic. At least they got out of that trap before they produced any talentless offspring with annoying self-entitlement issues.
I used to have a special place in my heart for Avril Lavigne. Her quirky fake-punk was–at its best–adorable, and–at its worst–fucking painful.
And while we’re on the subject of being fucking painful–someone needs to tell Jason Reitman to stop letting Diablo Codysuck his cock. It’s getting embarrassing. Get your junk out of that noisy, arrogant clap-trap and start making some movies that fans of your father would actually pay money to see.
Then again, perhaps I’m wrong and Jason Reitman’s terrible decisions are just part of some elaborate hoax. Diablo Cody, you are a national treasure.
A while back, I started a weekly article series called “Trailers of the Week.” Not a very captivating title, but it did the job. Needless to say, I’ve been slacking. All my effort has gone into the Super Dudes Power Squad web-show (first motherfucking episode done, btw) and I’ve missed out on (what Johnny On The Spot Employees would call) “a Tidal Wave of Shit.”
This accurately describes the list of far-too-many movies that are coming out. Most of them (hopefully) will slip by unnoticed. It seems that movie theaters today have more strict standards than movie Producers. If the movie isn’t going to sell, they don’t show it. I can’t fully blame the studios though…I have to blame the dickwads who actually choose to see this garbage.
But, without further rambling, here’s what’s coming out in a Theater Near You…I’ve watched the trailers so you don’t have to see the movies!
There are a few diamonds mixed in there…such as…Watchmen and…maybe a FUNNY re-telling of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.
RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN–Going to be one of those kids’ movies that children watch over and over with their dullard parents who are just waiting to see the Rock put one of them through a table.
G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA–Felt the same nostalgia about the Transformers movie, I guess…and was let down even though I refused to see it in theaters. I’ll wait until they make the Stretch Armstrong movie.
FAST & FURIOUS–Is this a re-make of a movie that came out less than 10 fucking years ago…or just the same movie with an ampersand in the title?
17 AGAIN–If Zach Efron looks like a young Matthew Perry, then I look like a blossoming Helen Mirren.
NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN–As if Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais weren’t given enough opportunities to publicly shout: “Hey, I know other celebrities!”
EDEN LOG–The story of the first shit Adam ever took in Eve’s mouth, told in a series of blacks and greens.
CRANK 2–Takes place right after Crank (the first) and just in case you forgot what happened in the first one (or were smart enough to skip it), it’s the exact same fucking movie.
MY LIFE IN RUINS–Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? No? Let’s keep it that way.
MISS MARCH–This movie comes out in a few days, but fuck it…watching the preview makes me want to go into hibernation and take the title’s advice.
SUGAR–Just in time for people to stop giving a shit about baseball.
PLANET 51–My only thought is that the film makers are trying to catch the run-off crowd of children too afraid to see Monsters vs Aliens and who need another movie where The Rock plays a pussy.
THE SOLOIST–Jamie Foxx and Robert Downy Jr. in: Please Give Me an Oscar. My Eyes are Closed on the Poster for Christ’s Sake!
SUPER CAPERS–For those who thought Sky High was over their heads.
ELEVEN MINUTES–If it were a comedy, it’d be genius. But it’s a documentary that ends up being “A Day in the Life of a Dramatic Homosexual Who Thinks His Life is Hell on Earth” despite the fact that he’s doing exactly what he wants.
EVERLASTING MOMENTS–I was going to watch this trailer, and then I was distracted by Britney Spears wet and naked on EXTRA.
LAND OF THE LOST–Could potentially be funny if you could somehow find yourself as highas Sid and Marty Krofft…but that’s impossible.
PARIS 36–Dear France, we Americans “don’t get” you. Please stop sending us shit like this.
TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN–I’d see the movie if it were called TRANSFORMER: MICHAEL BAY THROWS HIMSELF INTO ONE.
THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123–Tony Scott is the master of looking deeper into things that nobody gives a shit about.
ENLIGHTEN UP!–A guy does stretches in America and India while I sit on my ass and laugh at him while I stuff my face with food until I have no energy left to leave the house.
DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION–If you’re old enough to be a fan of the show, you should be old enough to know not to spend your money on this piece of shit.
GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST–I decided that I couldn’t bring myself to watch this trailer and not want to jump into a meat-grinder…so, I decided that you can check it out for yourself…because I don’t mind if you’re rendered infertile by this bullshit.
LOVE THE BEAST–A 2-hour camera-phone video of Eric Bana fucking the tailpipe of his first car would be significantly more entertaining. Also, if you need to list the celebrities that appear in a documentary about YOU, you’re not famous enough to have a documentary about you.
BABYSITTER WANTED–“Get ready for one of the best films you’ve seen all year.”–Someone who is either Developmentally Disabled or Tragically Right.
THE EDUCATION OF CHARLIE BANKS–Fred Durst proves that he can direct a made-for-tv special. It’s like he mimics what none of us want to see. If he really was trying to do that, he would bring his “sex tape” to the big screen. Weird how respectable he looks doing so though**…
ANGELS & DEMONS–The DaVinci Code without funny hair and Albinos. So, in short: no reason to see it.
I used to like music. Really. I tried to follow all of the newest up-and-coming bands, went to concerts regularly, attempted to stay on top of what music was 
