I know what you’re saying. “Hey, Alex! You’ve done an AS SEEN ON TV article before! Run out of ideas?”
Well, the short answer is “Not quite.” The long answer is, “Please seek whatever professional help that may be required for you to break your habit of yelling wildly at your computer screen.” It’s just not worth it. I feel like I’ve been writing a lot lately; but it’s my site, so sit on it.
Do people still say “sit on it”? Hmm.
Anyway–this isn’t just a re-ordering of an old article. This one is completely new, and probably interesting. As many of you know, the Great Billy Mays of As Seen On TV fame passed away this weekend. Off the fucking wall! Nobody could have seen that one coming.
Hi, Billy Mays here for some Shitty Card Game!
It’s been quite a weekend for Pop Culture icons. The impact of Michael Jackson’s death was just starting to effect me, and then KABOOM! The King of Pitch. Dead. It’s like fucking Pop Culture Regicide. Two Kings in their own right…gone.
But, now, I thought it would be appropriate to give Billy a proper farewell. Here are some of his most ridonkulous products.
10. ZORBEEZ!
Not so much a bad pitch as it was a lost product. It’s a shame that no one remembered the Zorbeez when the Sham-Wow first reared its vicious head onto the television spectrum. No one, that is, except Mr. Mays himself. This product frustrated the fuck out of him to the point that he challenged Vince “Slap-a-Bitch” Shlomi to a “pitch-off.”
The Sham-Wow won as it is a theoretically ‘better’ product.
9. Orange Glow!
“If it’s one thing I like, it’s good wood.” At your age, Mr. Mays, I’m not surprised. I love that we have amazing pieces of pop culture like this by which to remember Mays. He wasn’t just an infomercial salesman. He was the motherfucking infomercial salesman, and he was the top of his field.
Even if the products were often laughable. Don’t we have billions of cleaning products already? Maybe, but you don’t have the most important one you’ll ever own. And Mays made everything he sold seem like the most important and necessary thing you could ever buy.
Orange Glow is supposed to contain some kind of real orange shit–which seems to be an attempt to get people to drink it. Billy, if I were going to buy something from you that I could use for food, I’d go for the Big Motherfuckin’ City Sliders.
8. Handy Switch!
If you need one of these portable remote light switches, you’re either epically outgoing in your laziness, or it’s time to put you in a home. Sometimes this amount of convenience just means you need to get on your feet every now and then. It’s fine to have a nice relaxing day at home and not feel like doing shit, but if you don’t have the energy to flip a light without a remote, you need to throw in the towel.
Of course, there’s the argument that you could just put it on the wall and have a practical remote switch so your lamp doesn’t need to be placed right next to an outlet. Good point; except for the fact that the sticky pad will inevitably lose its stickiness. Anyone ever try to tape posters to your wall?
7. Mighty Putty!
Why doesn’t everybody use this shit for everything? It’s durable, it can fix just about anything. It can pull a fucking truck, it replaces damn near every material with the efficiency of space-age shit. Just don’t use it on your clothes! That’s a job for Mend-It! It’s the perfect product for anything you can possibly think of.
Oh, it doesn’t work.
6. Hercules Hook!
Typically, when you see ridiculous feats on infomercials, you’re temped to say “that looks a little ridiculous, but it could happen.” Is this ad really fooling anyone? I wouldn’t trust that bent paper clip to hold up a coat-hanger–let alone a golf bag, or giant mirror.
I’m always wary of shelves that I install. I don’t really want to sleep under anything that I hang myself. I’m not an extremely handy person. I’ll admit I don’t know what I’m doing, even if I can do the job.
But the only mistake you could make while using this product is: using this product.
5. Gopher!
Remember what we said earlier about the hardcore laziness? How the fuck did those cups and shit get up on the shelf in the first place.
When my husband, the Jolly Green Giant isn’t home, this suction claw is my only option.
How well do normal store bought suction cups work?! What would make anyone think that this is a good investment? The main draw to these products in their illusion of convenience, paired with the fact that they’re reasonably priced.
So, when you accidentally store your Gopher in a place that’s too high or low for your lazy fucking ass to reach, you can seek comfort in the knowledge that you can just order another one for $19.95 (if you have the energy to reach your phone).
4. What Odor?!
Are you tired of over-the-counter odor eliminators that people have been using forever? Well fuck that! How about one that you’ve never heard of before? Hell yeah!
The main problem here is if you know your cleaning products aren’t working, why are you waiting for this commercial? Get off your ass and clean your shit off the carpet.
If you do live in a world that doesn’t involve personal responsibility, try the NeverScrub.
Or, if you’re really feeling frisky, go for Kaboom! At least that product doesn’t sound ridiculous.
It’s not necessarily that this is a bad product. I haven’t heard one way or the other from anyone who’s ever tried it. But I will go as far to say that if you’re waiting to receive this in the mail before you clean out your cat’s litter box, you’re a bad person.
3. Tool Band-It!
Using powerful neo-magnet technology, the Tool-Band-It trumps any kind of bag, box or bag in a box. It seems to me like having a magnetic arm band with every tool imaginable attached to it would be more of a hindrance. You have to avoid walking past televisions…you can’t listen to your MP3 Player, ’cause that’s on an armband too, and once you cross the streams, it explodes.
It’s all well and good to reach for a hammer and have it right fucking there, but how are you going to differentiate between different sized nuts and bolts when you’re laying face down in the dirt?!
2. The Ding King!
This one, I just don’t get. It’s like you’re giving your car a sonogram. You smear the base with some kind of nondescript jelly and just apply it to your car; twist the knob until your car isn’t totaled anymore! It’s magic!
And when things are magic, they essentially don’t work. There are no believable words, images, or demonstrations in this infomercial, and that’s what makes it so bizarre.
1. Impact Gel!
Ah, Impact Gel. We’ve grown to love you so much. Billy Mays practically throws himself off of a building to show that this gel-pad isn’t painful. Okay, Mr. Mays! I believe you! It won’t hurt my feet to walk on this gel, but I’m still not convinced it will keep me from all unforseeable dangers.
If I’m going to take a sledgehammer to my hand, I think I would want something a bit stronger. Backed over by a tractor trailer? Probably just opt out and not even bother with the gel at all.
It was products and infomercials like this that made Billy Mays who he was. He wasn’t just a novelty or television personality. Yes, he was those things. To the extreme!
But he was a role model for salesmen, inventors, and entrepreneurs. He was a family man; and he forced his English Bulldog head into your home every day and barked commands at you to be the best consumer you could be. The world will miss him.
And even if you found him annoying, aggressive, and repelling, you’ve probably had worse friends.
(all Dubbed videos courtesy of JaboOodyDubs.com)
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