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By the standards of the traditional Serial Killer, The CraigsList Killer, Philip Markoff was a huge pussy; and worse yet, he only had one successful murder under his belt. Sure he’s wanted for a few robberies, but who the fuck cares? Where was your pizzazz, Markoff? You had every single other creeper on CraigsList to contend with and all you did was steal and kill? Show us some fucking jazz-hands! Wear someone’s face as a mask…something! Philip Markoff wasn’t even the scariest person ON CraigsList, and I’m going to fucking prove it.

Today, we’re going to have ourselves a contest: Who are the bigger CraigsList creepers? Guys…or girls? Think you know the answer already? Well let’s dive right in. Oh, just to clarify…I’m only using Philadelphia, PA personal ads. Your local personals may be creepier.

Round 1

GUYS TEAM: Watch or Lend a Hand-42–“I’m looking for a woman who would enjoy watching me masturbate or would like to give me a hand…”

GALS TEAM: Highly sexual Black Man need with BBC-40–“Sweet sexy black bbw looking for her super freaky black soul mate that has a bbc. Im looking for a good man with with a heart of gold and a dick of power to rock this BBBW nightly.”

Results

This is an obvious big win for the guys. Big girl just wanted some lovin’…that ain’t no crime. I can understand posting a plea for a handy–or a blowjob–but the primary objective here was just to find someone who will watch him jack it. That means this guy is probably wanking in the park on a regular basis.

Round 2

GUYS TEAM: I’m bored…:/-29–“Hii, just looking to talk or maybe hang out with someone on my day off! Anyone that’s fun feel free to email me! “

GALS TEAM: Come Right Now-19–”well im looking for licking sucking and fucking with a female like right now its 11:44pm and i want it right now you can come on over now and get it popping just email me asap im dead ass serious no game players no men no couples unless a female couple hurry up and reply if you want some good good pussy”

Results

Congratulations, gals, this one’s in your court. Let’s be fair, this lovely young lady is a certified muff-diver and is therefore granted a certain male level of creepiness. The lack of punctuation here–paired with the exact time that she’s sending out this message–implies a hasty and purposeful cry for poon. For this, I give her a bit more credit; however, if this cavernous cunt actually belongs to a fucking 19 year old, I’m never having sex again.

Round 3

GUYS TEAM: DICKSUCKER NEEDS COCK & CUM (Your place or neutral spot…can’t host)-50–“Intense, agressive insatiable cocksucker looking for an agressive guy who loves to put a cockpig like myself through the paces — someone who will make me work long & hard (no quickies) for that dick & cum — kick back & treat me like the cocksucker I am — stand up & fuck my mouth & throat deep & hard — hot, wet mouth, deep fucking throat — love sucking, licking, slobbering all over that dick until it explodes. I also enjoy nip play, licking balls, ass (with right guy), poppers, lots of verbal, etc.
Masculine, discreet, d/d free guy but total cockwhore behind closed doors. 50, 6′, 235#, s&p buzz/beard/stash.
Looking to travel out within the Philly/Southern NJ area to your spot or to a neutral place (book store, etc.).”

GALS TEAM: Anyone like thick curves?-26–“Hey I am a curvy girl that wants to go out and have a great time but, i do not drive because of 2 duis I miss going out and I know I’ve tried this before but i just want someone normal to have a great sat. night with. Please E-mail me back with a pic, age, and location.”

Results

Our judges actually refused to be consulted on this one. Let’s put another big fat throbbing point on the board for the guys! Desperation can, at times, come off as creepy…but who doesn’t love a desperate fat alcoholic? We can give the girls a pass this time; especially for an insatiable cocksucker like our half-a-century-old friend up there. He goes into way-too-much detail, admits he looks like  Billy-fucking-Mays…and wants to blow you in a bookstore. Classy.

Round 4

GUYS TEAM: I WILL COCK SLAP YOU, GIRL!!!-m4w-48–“That’s right!!! Just get your face, ass and whatever else you like COCK SLAPPED ready for a GREAT SPANKING!!! Have me lean you over and POUND the living DAYLIGHTS out of your nice, TIGHT pussy!!! FEEL my THROBBING muscle EXPANDING further when I HAMMER you with your legs over my shoulders!!! Then…get ready for YOU KNOW WHAT!!! I’m here, I’m ready. Description and/or pic with all your dirty details.”

GALS TEAM: Need a woman-33–“I am looking for a white female, 18-38, Disease free and Drug free, to lick me and pleasure me in front of my husband. Must send a picture or no reply. He does NOT want to touch you, just wants to watch me with another woman. One time deal. no one butchy please.”

Results

I know, I know…it seems like I’m being unfair here, but this is harder than I thought. I know that the guys have a pretty clear win here, but in the spirit of the contest, I have to give this point to the ladies. As if CraigsList weren’t creepy enough, you’re online searching for a partner just so your husband can watch?! I’m envisioning one of those old haunted house paintings where the eyes slide away and someone’s watching through the painting in the other room…somehow the phrase “HE DOES NOT WANT TO TOUCH YOU” seems to imply that he actually really really does.

Round 5

GUYS TEAM: Athletic and Geeky guy looking to meet new people-21–“My interests include Video Games, Paintballing, Martial Arts, Movies, Acrobatics, and other etc. random things.”

GALS TEAM: Searching for sum additional playfulness–“I would like to meet a new guy for fun and excitement. Im really relaxed, I enjoy talking shallow or deep, I laugh at pretty much anything and I never waste a single day! I am a pretty truthful woman and I like people who are honest and direct. I like to get it hard and fast from behind and get my hair tugged some. Doggy makes me feel primitive and carnal which really gets me going.. I love that feeling of crazy animal sex. Its great if you have a nice big cock for me. I am very oral too and just love to moan a drool over a nice cock. If you want to meet you could mail me.”

Results

I’m not sure here…this chick seems totally honest and horny, but…does she go overboard? The guy is really direct and vague–but his picture looks like he might skin you alive. I think I’m going to have to call this one a draw. I don’t know how old the girl is, but she’s obviously got one thing on her mind. The guy, on the other hand, seems like he may be hiding a bit too much to make anyone comfortable…

Round 6

GUYS TEAM: Bensalem Hotel-m4w-38–“Looking to give oral to any woman. I’m in a Bensalem hotel.”

GALS TEAM: (fuck it)

Results

This one popped immediately. I’m not even going to try to find a female CraigsLister to rival this. I just want to call the police and let them know that if anyone responds to this guy‘s post, they deserve whatever happens to them. “I’m in a Bensalem hotel…” jesus christ.

Round 7

GUYS TEAM: Seeking F for hot sensual fun tonight in Philly area-m4w-39–“Any female interested? I’m a 39 year old divorced white male looking for a female for hot sensual fun tonight. Could be a one time thing or long term. It has been a while and i’m seeking a low stress thing. Interested? I’m 6’1 205 lbs. I have face pics if interested. Please reply with photo and tell me about you.
I’m looking froward to your response.
I’m in Philadelphia and can travel to you.”

GALS TEAM: Hot Cowboys-w4m-36–“are there any hot young cowboys / farmboys going to the Bloomsburg Fair to see Sugarland Oct 1 st????”

Results

Guys, you are on a fucking roll. Keep it up–and keep those penis-shots coming…no pun intended. The best thing about the obligitory CraigsList cock-shot is the fact that there are usually no faces in the picture…this is done for one reason: because women on CraigsList don’t fucking care what you look like! This guy tried to cram some of his face into the picture, but it just looks like he’s running out of breath trying to take the picture and masturbate at the same time. Win!

Round 8

GUYS TEAM: need a flash at the office-m4w-37–“I am all alone in my office today and tomorrow, I would love for a woman to come over, flash me her chest and then leave. I know there has to be someone out there that would love to do this.”

GALS TEAM: i’m bored-w4mm-20–“Blk. female bored
wheres the parties at i hear alot about nsa parties where they at??
my partner is sleep dont know what to do”

Results

The gals team has managed to gain some awesome points in this round–but the guys still take it. Ladies, if you’re bored, and your partner is asleep, take a lesson from this chick…maybe just call for pizza delivery from Domino’s and Papa John’s at the same time…two delivery guys will show up, and you won’t be bored anymore…plus, with all that heavy cheese, you might just find out you like scat parties as well. Guys, if you’re at work so long that you need to ask someone to flash you and then leave, you need to quit your job.

Round 9

GUYS TEAM: Want a fuck buddy-m4w-51–“Looking for a FEMALE friend and a fun sex friend too. NOT MEN, NO MEN and NO fakes, I’m not going to any site to see anything or anyone!!!”

GALS TEAM: local hook up-w4mw-20–”anyone local wanna hit this? sexy bbw in need. fuck my pain away. you gotta host and might need to pick me up. shaved, tight, wet, and waiting. you get bonus points if you party (not booze). send pic to get reply.”

Results

I’m starting to sense a trend here. Men of all ages, shapes, colors, and cock-sizes are using CraigsList as a means to an end. Some use it to find true love, but that’s fucking rare. Most just want a quickie, a tug-job, or a fantasy fulfilled. Women, on the other hand, use CraigsList only when they’re horny and desperate, but too large to leave the house. If women are forced to say BBW, men should be forced to say CHODE. Let’s give this one to the guys…just for the rampant homophobia and tiny prick.

Final Round

GUYS TEAM: need your feet for 5 minutes-m4w-37–“I am looking for a woman that will let me use her feet. We will meet, you take off your shoes and I will rub one out and finish on your feet. It is real simple, ideally we could do it without talking.”

GALS TEAM: CD Gang Bang-t4m-43–“Sexy CD looking to get gang banged next Weds night at the Inn of the Dove in Cherry Hill. I love to take it in my ass and eat multiple loads of sperm. You need to be HWP, D&D free, well hung, and able to cum in buckets. I also want to video tape the fun but don’t worry, we don’t need to show your face. For consideration please send me some pics (face and cock) and then I’ll let you know the details. I’m happy to provide my own pics in response. I look forward to tasting you.”

Results

This was a very competitive round. Both parties really played their A-Games when the chips were down. Although I kind of cheated here, the ladies (even this round was a cross-dresser) take this one marvelously. This one doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Video tape the fun? Buckets of cum? Sounds like a fucking party! Just tell her to tape down her cock and you won’t know the difference.

Final Results!

The ladies fought valiantly with a respectable 4/10, but this match has unsurprisingly gone the way of the superior race–Men–with an unwavering creepiness that will surely haunt all of our dreams. The dudes pull ahead in this match-up with a stunning 7/10! And that was being generous to the ladies!

Yes, as I expected, it was much more difficult to find women willing to degrade themselves to the point of putting themselves in physical danger on CraigsList. Most women are just too smart for that, and guys–well–they have the advantage of being potential CraigsList Killers.

So, until next time, CraigsListers…carry condoms, photograph your penises close-up so they look bigger, and always make sure your stunningly gorgeous date isn’t packing plums in her panties. Goodnight!

–Alex G/

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