Tag Archives: News

Obama VS Bush: Let the Conspiracy Begin

I fucking hate it when assholes say, “9/11 was an inside job.” It takes a special brand of cunt to blindly blame the George Bush for the deaths of thousands of people. There are thousands of deaths that you can blame on Bush…so why grasp at straws?

The point is that whether or not 9/11 was an inside job is not your place to determine. You don’t know, and any speculation you make will only result in you looking like–well–a very special brand of cunt. So, let’s drop it.

Well, if Spidey approves...

Our focus today is on the events that unfolded this week involving Northwest Airlines Flight 253 and the speculation that has already built around the incident.

When the Bush administration addressed the public after the events of September 11, 2001, their message was simple: Be Afraid…but keep spending money.

To compare 9/11 to the latest attempt by a young Nigerian man to set his pants on fire would be an insult to just about everything; however, Obama’s reaction symbolizes a certain degree of that “Change” we were all repeatedly promised.

Republicans are rushing to get their revenge on liberals for questioning Bush’s motives and actions after 9/11. They are throwing blame at Obama for the Nigerian ‘terrorist’s’ actions…or lack of actions. Why? Because. That’s why.

In an effort to remain optimistic, presume nothing, and not cause widespread panic, President Obama has chosen to refrain from saying too much, too soon. Now, Bush pulled the same stunt–this is true. He took some time off to reflect and consider his options; however, this was after deciding to send our troops on an extended vacation to the dunes.

War is a strange phenomenon. Like falling it love, it seems to be the only activity that men claim to do everything in their power to prevent…yet simultaneously do everything in their power to begin.

George Orwell once claimed that “…in a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act,” and this truth has been self-evident throughout America’s history of war.

It is convenient that in the advent of an act or predetermined war, a malicious and calculated attack that America “could not possibly have prevented” occurs, serving to completely justify our actions.

During WWI, Woodrow Wilson kept us out of war even when the Lusitania was attacked. It was the infamous ‘Zimmerman Note’ that led America to war–its validity is still disputed to this day.

The attack on Pearl Harbor, which launched America into WWII is even questioned by some veterans who felt that this attack was forewarned.

Jump ahead to the wars today. Whenever there is a surge, or an advance on an already existing war, a terrorist act is foiled, a mysterious figure is found during a “random” search, or some pie-eyed fuckwit tries to blow up his pants on a plane.

While there is little-to-no evidence to suggest that these events are in some way contrived, they continue to be a little too convenient…a little too “false flag.”

A “false flag” is an event is deliberately orchestrated to make an attack seem like it was the work of an outside entity. It comes from the 1933 arson attack on the German Reichstag building. Hitler used the attack to issue a series of retractions on personal freedoms in order to “better ensure” the stability of the state.

It is still unclear who started the Reichstag fire–but when the Patriot Act was passed, it was accepted without debate.

While I am not promoting the violent overthrow of government, nor am I advocating bullshit conspiracy theory, I am requiring you to start being wary of the news you hear, whether domestic or abroad.

After 8 years of this, anything's an improvement...

We’ve spent the last nine years learning not to trust our leaders–and it’s time that we remember how angry we were the last time we went to war. No politician has all the answers–and Obama’s war is no different than Bush’s.

Be suspicious of your elected officials until they prove to you that they are on the level. Don’t take anyone for granted–even if it is charming chocolate Jesus.

Alex G/

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It Begins Again: The Death of Brittany Murphy

The bullshit about celebrity deaths coming in triples still serves to make me uneasy about the week ahead. Who’s next? Bob Dylan? William Shatner? For some reason, the death of actress Brittany Murphy has really got me in a shitty mood.

She was a celebrity that happened to be somewhere on my list of hottest actresses, but that’s only half of it. She’s starred in some pretty kick-ass movies (along with some extremely shitty ones), but that’s only another 1/4.

...son of a bitch, what a beautiful corpse.

Brittany Murphy’s death this morning was shocking. Like Heath Ledger, she was  found dead due to unknown circumstances. According to TMZ, her mother discovered her in the shower. She went into full cardiac arrest and was pronounced D.O.A. at the hospital. Fuck.

My feeling is that it was probably some serious overdosing going on; but that’s just speculation, and as of now, there is no evidence to support it…but, come on…look at her husband for fuck’s sake…

How does THIS marry Brittany Murphy? (image via TMZ)

At least I know that someone else cares. Shortly after the news broke, her super-stud-famous-fucking ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher posted on Twitter:

 It’s a nice, sentimental goodbye to a good friend, heartbreakingly soiled by the use of the word “2day.” Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough characters.

Murphy was one of those actresses that I never really missed when she wasn’t around, but now that I know she’s gone for good, I find myself heartbroken, wishing she could’ve lasted long enough to make a Just Married 2.

…at least Ashton Kutcher would have something else to talk about besides where he gets such “radical” sandwiches.

Alex G/

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Beat Kids: The Day of the Balloon Boy

alexbwWhen one makes an effort to travel for vacation, casually keeping up with the news often becomes a secondary notion. I make it my business to try to keep up with current trends and events, but with the cesspool of non-news, celebrity horseshit, and George Takei on the Newlywed Game, I can’t reasonably be expected to be on top of it all—especially while trying to relax in the part of Florida that isn’t trailer parks, slums, or Disney World.

Yesterday , after waking up at some point shy of the afternoon, I flipped on the television and saw this fuck-diculous excuse for a news story:

A Reality TV family gained national attention again, when they alerted the press that their son had gone missing and may have climbed into the undercarriage of a solar-powered balloon. When I first saw the coverage on CNN, I thought to myself, “This has got to be some kind of hoax or non-story…” –Lo and behold:

The Balloon Boy was never in the fucking balloon at all!

Now, you may be thinking to yourself: Well, thank christ that they found him simply hiding in the attic of the house (hiding like Anne Frank from his tyrannical and batshit crazy father) and nothing serious or tragic occurred…unless…

Yeah, that’s right. It was all a big hoax. A crazy family thought they’d utilize the random, staggering gullibility and sensationalism that makes up the country’s cable news programming for a quick bid for their fifteen minutes of fame.

Check out the dad’s reaction when little Falcon (WTF?) admits that this whole ordeal was a big “show” and CNN calls the cunt out.

Perhaps you’re thinking–woah, woah–you’re going too far here–who are you to call this grieving father a batshit-crazy cunt?

Well, let’s examine this Colorado family. The husband is a tornado chaser, studies weather patterns, and in his spare time doubles as a shockingly loud and abusive douchebag fascinated with UFOs and aliens. Satisfied? No? Okay, let’s continue.

Richard Heene–certified jackass–feels that it’s appropriate to include his young sons in his ridiculous projects. The most ridiculous of which would probably have to be Wife Swap, which–on its 100th episode–asked the Heene family to appear again. Richard admitted that being able to gain national attention through this reality show was the best thing that has ever happened to him.

I wonder how far he’d go to get that feeling back? Maybe fake his own son’s disappearance?

No…never.

Need more proof? Fuck it–watch this:

Fast forwarding to about the 3:33 mark, you’ll hear the phrase, “Richard and I actually believe that we are both decended from aliens.”

Now, if that we’re fucking crazy enough, the plot thickens. Richard explains that he fell and hit his head, and that’s when his alien ancestors came to him and told him they were his parents…And what do you do for money when you’re a psychotic storm chasin’ descendant of aliens? Construction work, of course.

Dear Barack Obama, ‘member how Clinton had to deal with the whole Elian Gonzalez issue? Well, how’s about this: Get those kids out of that fucking house!! And while you’re at it, send a rescue team to the Gosselins’ house as well. Free Aiden.

Alex G/

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I’m excited about Ghostbusters III…am I stupid?

alexbwThe short answer is “no.” None of us who get a little pants-tingle over the notion of a third installment in the Ghostbusters franchise are particularly in the wrong. If you’ve played the Ghostbusters Video Game, you should have had some of that nostalgia satiated, but the need for something more often creeps unfulfilled through your daydreams like a starving  Gila monster.

Fans have been dicked around for quite some time when it comes to a Ghostbusters follow-up. We were promised a new video game to whet our appetites, and after a rigoddamndiculous delay, we finally got what was promised to be the closest to another Ghostbusters movie we were going to get. When the game received mixed reviews, Dan Aykroyd and Harold Ramis decided “fuck it, we’ll do another one.”

The only bits of info we’re being spoonfed for this new endeavor are that Aykroyd and Ramis will be involved in production, the cast will be the same (including Rick Moranis and Sigourney Weaver), and Ivan Reitman will be somehow involved. Directing, perhaps?

This news comes via Bloody Disgusting, who also give us a sneak peek at the plot of GB3. Evidently, the new movie will involve the Ghostbusters getting old and reopening their spirit hunting business after a long period of inactivity. No shit.

Was there really any doubt about that? What else could the plot of Ghostbusters III possibly be?

But anyway, the whole cast has confirmed their involvement with the project. Reitman is on for sure, but not sure what he’ll be doing yet…and the plot involves characters that we used to love hunting trouble-making apparitions in between frequent bathroom breaks and having to ask people to “speak up.”

Can’t be any worse than Ghostbusters II.

Alex G/

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Superdps=SuperDrunkPhoneService

davebwSo yes, we have this posted on the Contact Us page (or at least we  used to…) but I’d like to OFFICIALLY announce to the world our Super Dudes Power Squad Drunk Dial Line.  We’ve all done it, its okay. But instead of calling your Ex, or that long lost friend, call us instead! We’ll share the best messages with the world in future blogs, and maybe even put up a new page for it if we get enough messages.  Come on, give it a try. It’ll be fun, I promise!

It’s fun AND easy….

1) Save 215–253-8337 (it spells out 215-25-Dudes…or…215-BJ-Dudes….hmmm) in your contacts, maybe as DRUNK or Super Dudes or something that’ll catch your attention while drunk

2) Get drunk.

3) Call us and leave a message!

4) Feel satisfied.

5) Forget about it tomorrow morning

6) Be horrified when you hear yourself on our site a week later.

It’s like magic. It’s somewhat magical!

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An Open Letter to the Gay Community

alexbwDear Sirs, Madams, and those elusive Sir/Madams,

While I must admit that a majority of my knowledge about Gay Issues comes from movies (no, not those kind of movies) and various friends, associates, and those I’ve met throughout my scholastic and professional career. I’m not gay, nor have I ever had a homosexual experience…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

I must also further clarify that I am fully aware of the various niches within this culture which I don’t intend to elaborate on…suffice it to say that whenever I use the word “Gay,” I am referring to all gays, lesbians, bisexuals, trans-genders, queens, mermaids, unicorns, and any other sub-genre you may consider.

While I am aware that it may seem ignorant of me to lump them all into one group, but I must assure you I am aware of all/most of the classifications of your exclusive club, I simply don’t feel it necessary to be all-inclusive when discussing a matter that specifically effects homosexual discrimination.

Whew…sorry about that tangent. I’ll try to stay on track now.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you are in the midst of a culture war that is not simply going to fade away. While your rights (specifically to marriage) are slowly making their way to the forefront, there is a world of discrimination that is not simply going to go gently into the night.

It is your responsibility, your absolute prerogative, to make your presence known.

Like the Gay Movement, the Atheist Movement has adopted the initiative of “Coming Out” of the proverbial closet. In order to achieve the respect and social recognition that pseudo-”fringe” groups deserve, there is no other option but to lose the fear of being “found out.”

While it may seem like a small step, change your Facebook information to reflect that you have a boyfriend or girlfriend or that you’re interested in the same sex. This may seem like a meaningless detail, but it serves to create a familiarity.

“Oh, I didn’t know this friend/co-worker/person I never met was gay!”

It’s arguable that these so-called “friends” don’t deserve the sense of self-satisfaction that comes with being the equivalent of a white Suburban kid saying “I can’t be racist, I know a black guy,” but let them have this one.

It will help you in the long-run.

Because even if it may be a backward way of gaining hypothetical respect, it will work in your favor when the time comes to rally those you know to stand up for your rights.

Maybe you’d do well to help your more flamboyant friends take it down a notch. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being secure and happy and screaming it to the world, but in polite society, when we’re all just trying to go about our day, when it comes down to it: a douchebag is still a douchebag. Gay or Straight.

Shut out discussion and debate. You don’t need to have it.

Your issue is not on the same level as drugs, abortion, and prostitution. There are only two sides: Rational and Fucktarded.

There should be no distinction between Gay Marriage and Traditional Marriage. It’s Marriage. Plain and simple.

You would be better off, and certainly justified to simply frolic away from your bigoted associates…preferably while shouting some sort of sexually derisive insult.

You should not pretend that the debate doesn’t exist. And you should never take for granted that there are intolerantly evil-minded people in the world who seek to destroy you. But don’t let that hold you back.

Your time will come again, and next time, you need to fight to keep it. Don’t assume that the next time you’re given equal rights, your friendly neighborhood Government won’t strip them away again.

Do yourselves a major favor and lose your religion. When you fight on the side of a “God that Loves You for Who You Are,” you’re not proving your case any better than those who say “God Hates Fags.”

But you are better.

You just need to realize that your “Holy Book” is not on your side. Ditch it, and ignore arguments that stem from religion.

Who am I to issue suggestions and demands of the Gay Community? No one.

I’m just a guy who gives a shit and wants to see you succeed (bad choice of words).

Feel free to send me your comments and tell me why I’m wrong, but I claim no expertise on these matters.

Just…please accept that Chris Crocker is annoying.

Oh, and stop watching A&E and TLC for fuck’s sake. Christ…

Alex

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What the Fuck Happened?: As Seen on TV

alexbwWas there a specific moment that slipped by the collective conscious of the entire world, or have we all just gone batshit insane? Either way, we’ve all gone soft on the As Seen on TV product marketing schemes perpetrated by the likes of Billy Mays and Vince Shlomi (a.k.a. The Sham-Wow guy).

I recall a time when the educated American would see a commercial for (insert product name here) on television and change the channel, or at least laugh it off. Now, we’ve become so engrossed in a culture of instant satisfaction that we believe any nonsense claim that a spokesperson shoves down our throat, regardless of the ludicrous  fucking impracticality.

While I suppose there’s no harm in spending $9.95 for a cheese grater for your feet or a super-absorbent, well, anything, the more we look past this super-enticing opiate of the masses, the more we will be squeezed in its python-like grasp until we are robbed of cash and oxygen.

Anyone who has a Lionel Coinbank in their home is surely psychotic in such a way that only years of study by a team of analysts could figure out. Similarly with anyone who found a way to purchase this product without collapsing a lung with laughter:

When I was young(er), I was brought up to believe that these commercials were not only asinine, but specifically targeted towards to dimwitted and intellectually bankrupt.

If you honestly need the MagneScribe as much as the individuals in the commercial, you’ve probably been writing all of your lists and important documents in your own feces for the past few years.

The non-product product is the most impressive beast in the As Seen on TV kingdom. The art of creating the insatiable need in the viewer’s mind for a product that they not only don’t need but also already own is a practice these fuckers have mastered well.

I suppose my biggest issue with the resurgence of the As Seen on TV products is the fact that they seem to be everywhere now. Is it just me misremembering my childhood, or did these commercials used to only be on during Grandma’s afternoon Stories and late at night for the impressionable somnambulist/drug-addict crowd? They’re on all the time now–invading the casual television and radio-space of us normals.

As entertainingly idiotic as these commercials are, I’m sincere in my desire for them to go the fuck away forever. In these tough economic times, we need to be spending money wisely…and if I need a new potato peeler, I’ll go for one that isn’t impractically ri-cunting-diculous.

Alex G.

(submit your own “What the Fuck Happened?” article to SuperDPS@gmail.com)

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Top Ten Types of Paper

serf-dannyA lot of people like to post top ten lists. And generally, these lists are interesting to read, if only for the controversy they’re sure to create. Top 10 dictators of Latin America? We could go all afternoon, debating between the likes of Peron, Batista, Castro, Duvalier, and what not. Top Ten Types of STDs? Done to death. Literally. AIDS wins hands down. In that spirit, I would like to honor a forgotten hero in our everyday lives: Paper. We’re surrounded by it. We need it to survive. But, why no Top Ten? Well, your days of looking for the definitive top ten types of paper are over. Cause here it is.

10. Towel

Simple and useful. The paper towel offers a versatile, environment destroying method of cleaning nearly any type of mess. However, the paper towel isn’t as great as one would initially think. For one, have you ever tried writing on one? Doesn’t work out very well. You gotta press down on your pen really hard. Then, often times, rather than actually writing on the paper towel, you just end up ripping through it. Also, whenever you need a paper towel the most, you’re out. What’s up with that? Paper towel companies should know when you’re going to need the product the most and make rolls that size.

9. Football

Bored in class? The office? At an actual football game? Just take a piece of paper, fold it a couple times and you have minutes of entertainment! The game involves pushing it about a desk or flat surface and flicking it between the fingers of your opponent. Unfortunately, paper football comes at a terrible price. Every year, 17% of lost eyes are attributable to paper football accidents.

8. Posterboard

If you have an obnoxious message that can only be said on an equally obnoxious sized medium and are willing to hold said message like a jackass for all to see, then this one’s for you. As any sports fan will tell you, messages on posters that rhyme or cleverly take into account the target’s nickname are infinitely better than ones that don’t. For instance, “A-Fraud” is good, cuz it kinda rhymes with A-Rod. However, “Hey, Jeter, I’m Fucking Your Mother!” while possibly true, is not very good. I wonder, do athletes look up and say “Shit, do these people really think that about me?” or better yet, can they even see the posters? As an aside, posters are also much more effective if wielded by hot chicks in skimpy costumes. Case in point: I was driving when I passed by a gas station where some local youths set up a car wash to raise some money for something I’m sure I don’t care about. The poster advertising the car wash was held by a girl about 15 or so, but she was wearing a baggy tee-shirt and sweatpants. Put her in a bikini and then we’ll talk.

7. News

Nothing says class like opening up the newspaper on a lazy Sunday afternoon and complaining about the Middle East. But, it’s not enough to learn about the news by merely reading it. No, I like to rub my thumbs across the newspaper as hard as possible, so the ink all gets on my fingers. This way, not only do I absorb the news in my mind, but I also absorb it into my skin. At about .50 per day, it’s also the cheapest way to learn about current events, except for every other medium currently available.

6. Cardboard

Cardboard is very strong and useful and that’s why it appears on the list. It was also invented by the Communists to take control of our factories. Think about it. Boxes are made in China. We store everything we produce in our factories in boxes. How long will it be until the Communists enact phase 2 of their plan to take control of the world’s means of production and attach legs to the boxes? It is up to us, and the Illuminati, to stop the secret cabal of Communists and steal the secret formula for producing cardboard. Because until we know for ourselves how to produce cardboard, we will always be oppressed by our totalitarian dictators. That it the importance of cardboard.

5. Glossy

Just as cardboard was invented by Communists, glossy paper was invented by Capitalists. Glossy paper frequently appears in magazines and circulars and tells you to buy things. Things you don’t even need. You can’t do much else with it. It isn’t very strong, so you can’t really carry stuff in it. Its finish generally makes it unsuitable for writing, as ink will smear all over. All it can do is tell you to buy things. But, as Capitalism >>> Communism, glossy paper must always be considered greater than cardboard.

4. Commercial

Commercial paper is a type of short term debt instrument issued by corporations that allow said corporation to obtain short term funding without going through the drudgery of filing securities with the SEC. Commercial paper allows the issuing company to acquire much needed funds at the drop of a hat to keep up with the lightning quick economy. The purchasing companies are not banks, but instead other corporations who are willing to accept the risk of unsecured debt. Commercial paper keeps our economy moving fluidly and efficiently. Hey, one of these had to be serious.

3. The Constitution

God Bless it. And God Bless the Republicans, who keep a watchful eye over it. Its importance to America is unquestioned; it is responsible for the freedoms we take for granted, the freedoms that separate us from Afghanis. But, here’s my problem with the Constitution: How could it not say anything about illegal immigrants from Mexico? Don’t give me any of that “it’s over 200 years old and when it was written, nobody even heard of Mexico” bullshit. If Ben Franklin was so great, why didn’t he build a fucking time machine, come to our time, see what our problems were, then go back and put safeguards in place to protect us? Like I’m supposed to be impressed by two different types of glasses fused together. Franklin’s the reason we’re in this mess. All of that notwithstanding, the Constitution is a pretty important piece of paper.

2. Crane

The paper crane is an impressive beast. Tame it, and you’ve conquered beginner’s origami. All kidding aside, imagine the creativity it must have taken to see a flat piece of paper, think about folding it a bunch of times and coming out with a perfectly usable, elegant toy. Plus, if you can make a crane good enough that you can do it by memory, it almost makes you look like you have a talent. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.

1. Bag

The paper bag is the best type of paper and I will tell you why. Because you can put anything you want in there. You see that bum on the street drinking alcohol, the bottle of which remains in the paper bag? You don’t know what he’s drinking. For all you know, it could be an expensive bottle of Merlot. All of a sudden, he’s the classiest bum in the world. A king among kings. All cuz of that bag. Another, perfectly reasonable reason why the paper bag is king: imagine bringing your heroine into work one day when you get pulled over by the cops. You roll down the window, sweat beading on your forehead. The first thing the cop asks you: “You got any drugs in there?” Now, if you were only using a Ziploc bag, you’re done. The cop will give a look around and you’ll get 5 to 10. But, you have a paper bag. So when the officer asks if you have drugs, now you can calmly say, “Nope, officer, just bringing my lunch to the office today”. The paper bag is an impregnable fortress and for that, it is the greatest type of paper in the world.

–”Responsible” Dan Polykov (Honorary Super Dude!)

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An Open Letter to a Celebrity-Obsessed America

AlexMy Dear Celebrity-Obsessed Americans–

Though the whole world (especially the Western One) is crippled by their unhealthy appetite for tabloids and gossip entertainment that belittle and viciously attack the personal lives of those who they all wish that they could be, I can only speak on behalf of like-minded people within my own country (plus, I don’t speak British).

It certainly brings great pain to my forever-tainted (a’giggle) heart to bring such an intellectually vicious attack on the Celebrity-Obsessed, because I understand your way of thinking. It’s easy to get caught up in the gossip of individuals that you feel as though you know personally.

The tragedy lies in the inconvenient truth that your lives just aren’t that interesting most of the all of the time. Feel free to disagree (and when I say that, I mean, if you do disagree, go fuck yourself), but it seems that you’ve taken a healthy veneration of the sufficiently famous to a level of inscrutable and mentally-damaging douchebaggery.

There was a time when the “Celebrity” was the Hollywood Starlet, or the drug-addled alcoholic role model that we could allow into our homes and not have to call him “Dad.”

Now, you’ve taken to labelling the bewildered, developmentally disabled, social butterflies cunts who make up Reality TV casts as “Tinseltown Elite.” This is pure idiocy and you/we (for you) should be ashamed.

I admit my own shame for actually subjecting myself to shows like American Idol and Hell’s Kitchen (essentially FOX‘s whole “reality” line-up) even if they are, on occasion, entertaining. As Americans, we love to watch the weak-willed crumble to the point of emotional suicide while being interminably derided by British hard-asses while they grasp at the pant-legs of the Entertainment Industry for their 5 minutes of so-called “fame.”

The most frightening notion here is that while you can force your otherwise (probably) rational minds to accept these personality-deficient goblins as legitimate celebs, you take pride in the shock-and-awe style attack on those who have devoted their entire lives to entertaining you

While I am not going to defend the morally questionable actions of outstanding thespians such as Christian Bale, Russel Crowe, Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Lindsay Lohan (okay, maybe calling Lohan an outstanding thespian is like swallowing a pill the size of Michael Moore’s first dump of the day), etc…etc…etc…I will point out to you, the near-sighted and judgmental pseudo-critic, that these people create art for you.

Their purpose in life (aside from making obscene amounts of money) is to put on a costume and dance so that you can experience the emotions that you’ve forgotten exist as well as tear you away from your insignificant and thoughtless daily routine…or at least allow you to escape into your imagination for two hours.

Imagine, if you will, Harvey Levin staking out the home of J.D. Sallinger, or a team of photographers catching John Updike offguard, subsequently causing him to die of a heart attack before the cancer even had a chance.

You watch TMZ and Access Hollywood curled tightly around a throw pillows, clutching a glasses of wine like the blood of the Christmas Jew and spend your TV Dinner evenings mocking people just like you (except hard-working and successful) who happen to have a camera shoved in their faces while they sloppily stumble out of a bar in the Valley.

Shame–the fuck–on you!

Does it take some self-obsessed ladyboy, drowning in his own unearned arrogance, screaming “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!” teary-eyed into a web cam for you to realize that something is wrong?

Or maybe a terrible (but hilarious) gag-site that encourages web-users to place bets on when the pop diva will put on her tallest pair of stilettos and leap to her death onto something would suffice

Is there any depth to which you will not sink? You could be the most kind-hearted individual on the planet, but when you take part in this Circus Maximus, you are the vile bully that you knew in your heart that you would never become.

And while I am in no way suggesting that those who throw themselves into the public eye, begging for your attention, are immune to scrutiny, I am begging for the sake of our civilization that you cease fire.

Stop watching TMZ.

Stop giving paparazzi something to do with their empty lives.

Stop getting news information unfounded gossip that you proceed to mistake for information from Perez Hilton and E!.

And please Stop treating President Barack Obama like he’s a Paris Hilton. He’s not a film star. He’s not Hollywood’s Darling. He’s the Leader of the Free World and the Commander in Chief of our Military. You desperately need to start treating him with the consideration of his position and not that of Brad fucking Pitt.

You are contributing (no matter how minimally) to the very form of destructive social behavior that will destroy us all (and makes us appear silly in the eyes of the rest of the world)…and it is something of which we are all guilty.

 

Never Have I Been More Sincere,

-Alex

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Does Anybody Care About Movies?

AlexA while back, I started a weekly article series called “Trailers of the Week.” Not a very captivating title, but it did the job. Needless to say, I’ve been slacking. All my effort has gone into the Super Dudes Power Squad web-show (first motherfucking episode done, btw) and I’ve missed out on (what Johnny On The Spot Employees would call) “a Tidal Wave of Shit.”

This accurately describes the list of far-too-many movies that are coming out. Most of them (hopefully) will slip by unnoticed. It seems that movie theaters today have more strict standards than movie Producers. If the movie isn’t going to sell, they don’t show it. I can’t fully blame the studios though…I have to blame the dickwads who actually choose to see this garbage.

But, without further rambling, here’s what’s coming out in a Theater Near You…I’ve watched the trailers so you don’t have to see the movies!

There are a few diamonds mixed in there…such as…Watchmen and…maybe a FUNNY re-telling of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN–Going to be one of those kids’ movies that children watch over and over with their dullard parents who are just waiting to see the Rock put one of them through a table.

G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA–Felt the same nostalgia about the Transformers movie, I guess…and was let down even though I refused to see it in theaters. I’ll wait until they make the Stretch Armstrong movie.

FAST & FURIOUS–Is this a re-make of a movie that came out less than 10 fucking years ago…or just the same movie with an ampersand in the title?

17 AGAIN–If Zach Efron looks like a young Matthew Perry, then I look like a blossoming Helen Mirren.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN–As if Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais weren’t given enough opportunities to publicly shout: “Hey, I know other celebrities!”

EDEN LOG–The story of the first shit Adam ever took in Eve’s mouth, told in a series of blacks and greens.

CRANK 2–Takes place right after Crank (the first) and just in case you forgot what happened in the first one (or were smart enough to skip it), it’s the exact same fucking movie.

MY LIFE IN RUINS–Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? No? Let’s keep it that way.

MISS MARCH–This movie comes out in a few days, but fuck it…watching the preview makes me want to go into hibernation and take the title’s advice.

SUGAR–Just in time for people to stop giving a shit about baseball.

PLANET 51–My only thought is that the film makers are trying to catch the run-off crowd of children too afraid to see Monsters vs Aliens and who need another movie where The Rock plays a pussy.

THE SOLOIST–Jamie Foxx and Robert Downy Jr. in: Please Give Me an Oscar. My Eyes are Closed on the Poster for Christ’s Sake!

SUPER CAPERS–For those who thought Sky High was over their heads.

ELEVEN MINUTES–If it were a comedy, it’d be genius. But it’s a documentary that ends up being “A Day in the Life of a Dramatic Homosexual Who Thinks His Life is Hell on Earth” despite the fact that he’s doing exactly what he wants.

EVERLASTING MOMENTS–I was going to watch this trailer, and then I was distracted by Britney Spears wet and naked on EXTRA.

LAND OF THE LOST–Could potentially be funny if you could somehow find yourself as highas Sid and Marty Krofft…but that’s impossible.

PARIS 36–Dear France, we Americans “don’t get” you. Please stop sending us shit like this.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN–I’d see the movie if it were called TRANSFORMER: MICHAEL BAY THROWS HIMSELF INTO ONE.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123–Tony Scott is the master of looking deeper into things that nobody gives a shit about.

ENLIGHTEN UP!–A guy does stretches in America and India while I sit on my ass and laugh at him while I stuff my face with food until I have no energy left to leave the house.

DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION–If you’re old enough to be a fan of the show, you should be old enough to know not to spend your money on this piece of shit.

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST–I decided that I couldn’t bring myself to watch this trailer and not want to jump into a meat-grinder…so, I decided that you can check it out for yourself…because I don’t mind if you’re rendered infertile by this bullshit.

LOVE THE BEAST–A 2-hour camera-phone video of Eric Bana fucking the tailpipe of his first car would be significantly more entertaining. Also, if you need to list the celebrities that appear in a documentary about YOU, you’re not famous enough to have a documentary about you.

BABYSITTER WANTED–“Get ready for one of the best films you’ve seen all year.”–Someone who is either Developmentally Disabled or Tragically Right.

THE EDUCATION OF CHARLIE BANKS–Fred Durst proves that he can direct a made-for-tv special. It’s like he mimics what none of us want to see. If he really was trying to do that, he would bring his “sex tape” to the big screen. Weird how respectable he looks doing so though**…

ANGELS & DEMONS–The DaVinci Code without funny hair and Albinos. So, in short: no reason to see it.

alexG

*That’s drugs, not the toy.

**Not a link to his sex video.

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