In this week’s episode we’re talking MARVEL. We talk Iron Man 3, Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and more! We breeze over what TV shows have been cancelled and the new FALL schedule for NBC. You’ll find out who we’d have sex with out of Amanda Knox, Casey Anthony, and Jodi Arias–AND you get to find out who Dan would have sex with out of Mark Ruffalo, Michael Fassbender, and Val Kilmer! Fun show this week!
Tag Archives: nbc
Re-watching “Heroes” on Xfinity. I forgot how great it used to be.
A funny thing happened while channel-surfing today. Do people still use that term? “Channel Surfing?” Anyways, when I say “funny,” I mean: horrifying. If there is true evil in the world, its name is Minute To Win It.
NBC in their infinite wisdom has picked up on a sure-thing: a game show that’s so frustrating to watch, people are actually tuning out. Not only have they decided not to pick up any good television, but they purge themselves of the good shows they used to have, and then pick up shows so terrible that you have to force yourself to avoid it at all costs.
For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure, Minute To Win It is a game show hosted by celebrity “chef,” host, and T.G.I. Friday’s enthusiast Guy Fieri that combines the sadistic urge to watch every day people perform impossible stunts with the masochistic notion of forcing yourself to watch it.
The trials contestants endure to win semi-decent amounts of money aren’t degrading, death-defying, or even interesting. They have to stack cups, knock over pins, throw bean-bags, bounce balls, and humor Guy Fieri…all within minute-long segments as their prize money increases.
It’s almost like Nickelodeon’s Double Dare with no trivia, no humor, and no entertaining physical challenges (unless you count Guy Fieri–seriously, the man’s a fucking cartoon).
The show capitalizes on the American sense of “I could do that! Why am I not on this show?” Game shows like Jeopardy and Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? offer reward for intelligence. Sporting events reward athletic ability. Minute To Win It rewards menial tasks and expects that a large audience will continue to tune in to participate in the “fun.”
What else is on? Well, if you’re not watching LOST, you’re probably still watching American Idol; and if you’re not watching network TV, you’re probably watching Netflix or the multitude of free programming online.
If you’re not watching anything, count your blessings–because at least you’ll know that there’s absolutely no chance that you may accidentally tune in to Minute To Win It.
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It’s a fairly safe bet that if you’ve ever seen or heard of television, you’ve come across To Catch a Predator at some point. Unfortunately, I’ve willingly subjected myself to a Sunday Marathon and volunteered for the spectator sport of Predator-Nabbing.
After viewing an unarguably unhealthy amount of Dateline‘s hilariously repetitive “investigative journalism,” I’ve noticed quite a few interesting elements that I thought I’d share with all of you fine people.
To Catch a Predator: The 5-Step Plan
Step 1. Find a strong-willed girl over 18 to have non-stop cyber sex with creepers
Aside from the handful of occasions where the wide-eyed gentlemen had been trolling the internets for young boys, all of the scary middle-agers are after high school girls; which, as we learned from Dazed and Confused, stay the same age no matter how old you get.
Chris Hansen seems to always have a young woman put herself and her potentially weak stomach at risk having them pretend to be either a teen girl or boy and put on a virtual show. It seems odd that they would need an actual young woman to trick these near-retarded rednecks into a sex-sting…but maybe that’s just me reading too much into it.
The unforgivable individuals who are 30 and over truly have no excuse; but I’m watching Chris Hansen bust 20-year-olds who are expecting to hang out with a dirty-talking slutty 16 year old…something seems somewhat off about that.
Consider for a moment that if your parents are more than 3 or 4 years apart and met when she was still in High School…and this show existed…Daddy could very well have been in the hot seat.
Step 2. Don’t concentrate on sex appeal; go right for the McDonald’s
Chris Hansen knows that if there’s anything rednecks love more than degenerative sex, it’s fast food and sweet tea!
After an unprecedented marathon of frightened hillbillies, I noticed that a majority of them brought McDonald’s bags to the chick’s “house” and are greeted with either Sweet Tea or Cookies.
Who the fuck brings McDonald’s to a sexual encounter?
If it wasn’t bad enough that each and every one of these sons of the soil was overweight and developmentally disabled, they have to give a bad name to fast food junkies everywhere as well.
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen; and if you like cheap, greasy food, you’re a pedophile.”
Step 3. Show those creepers and pederasts you’ve got a quick wit
The moment that Chris Hansen pops out and greets the potential offender is the most priceless several seconds television may ever offer…and he always has something clever to say.
“I guess I wasn’t the surprise you had in mind!”
I only wish NBC would take a lesson from Ashton Kutcher and have the men look into the camera at the end and say “I just got Predator’d!”
Step 4. Make sure you have a team of 20 cops to take the fucker down like he’s a 300 pound Grizzly
I fully understand that all precautions must be taken, and that any of these perverts could potentially be very dangerous; but when you see 30 cops slam a tubby computer nerd holding a Taco Bell bag onto the pavement, you almost feel bad for him.
I don’t want to sound like I’m defending the hypothetical sex that these individuals would have with a hypothetical underage girl, but their idiotic hypothetical crimes of passion don’t seem worthy of treating them as if they just broke out of prison and robbed a bank.
Look, dudes, you made a horrific mistake that you hopefully won’t be making again any time in the foreseeable future; but just for future reference, here’s some friendly advice…
…the only two ways you can get away with legally diddling kids are if you’re either a fundamentalist Muslim or if you’re Joseph, the father of Jesus, who left a life of being part of a royal bloodline just so he could bone a 13-year-old paranoid schizophrenic.
Step 5. Be Chris Hansen
All kidding aside, the only person who could get away with this kind of hilarious entrapment is Mr. Hansen himself. Police encourage you not to try to be a Predator-Catcher on your own time, unless you want to cover yourself in mud and hide in the jungle. Pedophiles can sense your body heat.
Maybe you should start emulating Joey Greco from Cheaters. At least then you don’t have to dig through the personal belongings of people who live in their fucking trucks.
…or go through piles and piles of weird MSN chat logs and photos of genitals.
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Farrah Fawcett has no doubt outlived her usefulness, and now she expects all of us to suffer with her.
It’s a horrible thing to have Cancer. I don’t wish it on anyone; and, though I don’t have any immediate experience with it, I am aware and sympathetic to the damage and heartbreak it can bring to any household.
(I’m actually attending a Breast Cancer Benefit tomorrow evening…but that’s beside the point)
Having a positive attitude and a sense of humor about the situation is important…and it tends to help the patient significantly. Farrah Fawcett, I feel, is not one of those people.
She’s neither a fighter, nor is she someone who deserves her own television special in any way, shape, or form. What has she done? Undoubtedly less than even Paris Hilton.
In one of her public statements, she said, “Three words I never thought I would hear are malignant, tumor, and anal.”
I was hesitant to comment on this ridiculous television special airing tonight because I might come off as being an unsympathetic cunt.
But, how many of you have known someone with cancer who suffered privately and just wanted you near them in their time of need?
How many of you suffered with medical bills because of someone with Cancer, or watched someone else suffer financially because of treatable or untreatable disease…they just wanted it to be over, for better or worse.
Now, think of Farrah Fawcett, moping in a gigantic bed about how there aren’t enough people around her who feel bad. The whole world needs to feel bad for her as well.
I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve compassion. I’m saying she doesn’t have the right to exploit her condition to make some quick bucks before she kicks it.
Where are the 2-hour television specials for the deceased celebrities who actually changed the world? She’s not even dead yet, for fuck’s sake.
I don’t mean to belittle the hypothetical passing of a cast member of Charlie’s fucking Angels, but come on, America…how long will you mourn an aging Playboy model?
How many hours mourning did Anna Nicole receive?
Keep in mind, boys and girls, that in regard to Farrah Fawcett’s suffering, I am not asking “Who cares?”…
…I’m merely pleading to Farrah Fawcett: Be strong and stay close to those who care. Don’t force your private suffering into everyone’s home; because, to tell you the truth, the rest of America is more concerned about Prison-Break ending.
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