Tag Archives: mystery

Fuck You: Confessions of an Urban Fairy

fairyYeah, I’m a fuckin’ fairy! Fuck you! I ain’t no pussy-ass pixie-throwin’ tinkerballs, motherfucker. I mean, yeah, I do throw pixie dust, but that’s only, like, eight-and-a-motherfuckin-half-percent of my fuckin’ job.

All you cunts wanna hate on me, but I don’t fuckin’ give a shit. I ain’t no tooth-stealin’ pillow pusher. I may be a fairy but I ain’t no fuckin’ fag.

You wanna judge me?! You wanna bring yo punk ass down to my hood and fuck with this? Bring it, boyz n’ girlz. I don’t give a fuck how old you are, I’ll run ya’ll through with my motherfuckin magic wand.

No, I don’t actually have a magic wand, bitch. You think I’d be caught dead wit some sparklin’ fuckin’ stick with a star at the end? That shit’s gay. Not just gay, but retarded, too!

Lemma axe you summit; you think all us fairies are the same? You take your fuckin’ suburban or forest fairy and you bring ‘em down to my area. Then we’ll see! Oh, we’ll see! Ain’t gonna do you no good to turn into a fuckin’ tree when there ain’t no trees around town, motherfucker!

Naw, I’m just like all the rest of you douchebags!

I watch my pornos.

I lubricate my guns*.

(*by which I mean my muscles.) Flex ‘em.

I water my Pom-Pom Garden. Them berries are fuckin’ sweet!

I watch my Jon & Kate Plus Eight, so fuckin’ what?

I flip off passing cars while I’m parked outside the SuperFresh.

I’d tell you more but I don’t want you bitches all up in my bizness. Plus, if you knew everything about me, there’d be no mystery…no magic in the world!

Don’t you motherfucking ruin the fuckin’ magic! I swear to Christ!

–a Fairy

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