Tag Archives: mickey rourke

What the Fuck Happened? Actors Turned Musicians

alexbwIt’s no secret that we live in a world of excess. The zeitgeist indicates that we are no longer content in simply being good or even great, we need to be better–do more–even if that means dangerously shoving ourselves past the points of logic, common sense, and personal ability.

I’d like to focus, for the sake of this brief discussion, on two individuals who have fairly recently displayed that their talent can not possibly make up for the endless pit of douchebaggery brought on by their musical “careers.”

Why: What the Fuck Happened? Well, not only am I referring to the question: What the fuck happened to these people? but also: What the fuck happened to the golden age of the celebrity?

You see, in my understanding, back in Hollywood’s Double Platinumage, stars were expected to be multi-talented performers. If they needed to dance, they danced. Sing, they sang. Overdose? They went all out!

Today, celebrities are expected to do about two things:

1. Be consistent and professional. Realize your place in the entertainment industry and do your best not to step on anyone else’s toes. FAIL

2.Not expose themselves in public or on the Internet; and along with that, not to bring negative attention to themselves at the expense of the productions that they are participating in. EPIC FAIL

So, with that in mind, let’s talk a little bit about Joaquin Phoenix.

Earlier this year, Phoenix (in some form) appeared on Letterman to do one thing: promote his new movie.

Joaquin somehow dropped this tether-ball and wound up falling-ass-backwards into creating an Internet meme to promote his hip hop career.

Now, with respect to the loss of his potentially much-more-talented brother, River, Phoenix has taken the mope-road, transformed himself into a pariah, and now resembles the kind of person you’d find quietly masturbating in a Library.

Maybe he just needs to take some time off, but here’s to hoping that America gets its Joaquin Phoenix back soon; because this shit–

–is unex-fucking-ceptable.

Moving on; what the fuck happened to Billy Bob Thornton?

While I can not, in good conscience, sit here and defend him, his intellect, character, or work (for the most part), I do know in my heart that his work that actually hit, soared out of the park.

There is a fair amount of slack that must be evenly distributed to those who are constantly in the public eye despite  constant horseshit behavior. I get it. Who doesn’t want to be famous just so they can act like a total fuck-stick all of the time?

But Thornton took this concept to a new level when he verbally abused an innocent Qtv Interviewer who wanted only to let him get the word out about whatever-the-fuck Billy Bob was jerking himself off to next.

Watch Billy Bob’s stupid fucking face in this video! You just want the interviewer to leap over the table and break something off in him…

The other members of his shitty band don’t do anything to help the situation either. I’ll promise you this, Mr. Thornton. When you pull shit like this, it’s not funny. It’s not cute. It makes people hate you…

You see…when Paris Hilton or the Olson Twins or whoever pulls shit like this, we expect it. We give a collective sigh and treat them like the Entertainment Industry’s quirky near-retarded sisterswho it keeps away from all its friends  until it’s bored shitless.

You are a grown man, and a decent human being. This alone is sufficient to destroy you. And I’m glad you’ve done this to yourself before you had the opportunity to make Mr. Woodcock 2.

It’s a good thing their music is unlistenable, or I’d be at least a little conflicted.

Joaquin Phoenix and Billy Bob Thornton are certainly not even remotely close to being iconic or even significantly importantin their separate careers, but being in the public eye lends them a certain intrigue and respectability, which they seem to willingly and blindly be butchering without hesitation.

Mickey Rourke disappeared from the industry’s radar for a long time. When he came back, he made Spun, The Wrestler, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and Sin City. He’s spaced-as-fuck, but who cares? He’s amazing.

The only come-back I can conceivably predict for Joaquin and Billy Bob is an unsuccessful and poorly-thought-out opportunity to do the voices of two lovable, but slow-witted suicidal Lemmings in Walt Disney’s We Made a Horrible Mistake!

Alex G

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Dangerous Words

AlexHow often do we raise our expectations at the expense of our enjoyment? The problem with high expectations is that they can never truly be met. Your idea of perfection is inevitably going to vary from Gene Shalit’s, and vice versa.

For the most part, films and games share the same stigma. On one hand, you’ve got the film/game preview to go by–usually supported by the obligatory review.

“Nothing if not Film of the Year!

“Five Stars!!!–The Best Gaming Site Ever

On the other hand, the movie-goer or gamer knows what they like and what they don’t (or at least they think they do). If you’re not mentally fucked-backwards in some way, you can determine from a preview if you’re going to enjoy the movie or not.

The film may be a multi-award winning masterpiece, but if you only like movies where Adam Sandler and Kevin James play a pseudo-homosexual Rent-a-Cops who are thrown into some High-Concept “Comedy” involving magical storybooks and time travel, you aren’t going to be able to sit through P.T. Anderson’s latest three-hour braingasm.

And vice versa, no doubt.

Then, there’s the curious case of masochism that is: sitting through a movie you know you won’t like, just because your friends, associates, and the reviews are jerking it off to death. (A link there certainly would have been interesting…)

**cough cough Lord of the Rings cough cough**

Games are a similar sort of beast. Gamers are somehow roped into playing some games that they know in their black hearts that they won’t enjoy by over-excessive worthlessly positive reviews.

Examples? Soitenly!

LittleBIGplanetGreatest game in 2008 or Greatest game EVER?! Truth is, you’re not going to like it if you don’t have a soft spot for cuteness and want something innovative that allows you to explore your creativity. If you only like war games, you’re not going to like LittleBIGplanet at ALL.

The Wrestler–Although I want to save this discussion for Friday’s PODCAST, I will say that my expectations were not met. That’s not necessarily a bad thing; however, when folks like Penn Jillette rave about it being the best movie ever, I tend to listen. If you’re not a middle-aged man, you may not enjoy it quite as much.

The dangerous words I’m talking about here are what some might call “jinxing.” Words such as those used to describe the new cross-platform game Afro Samurai…”The show is awesome, so the game has to be awesome.” Have we learned nothing from our past?

When these “reviews” reach the point of being psychologically damaging, it’s time to take a GINORMOUS step backward. Losing control of one’s senses in favor of blind allegiance is often supervened by crazy cults, monumental elections, and becoming a fan of Penny Arcade.

I kid, of course. But don’t listen to reviews. Think for yourself. Follow your heart, and occasionally your scrotum. If you love Spider-man, then Web of Shadows should be a fun game for you, even though you cried with self-loathing after sitting through Spider-man 3.

If you love going to the gym, but suffer from cripplingly severe social anxiety, like when computers tell you that you’re a fucking fat ass, and enjoy watching faceless Trainers rub cameltoe in your face, you’ll adore Wii Fit!!!

Shit, I should do commercials!

Anyways, if a reviewer says: Check out SuperDPS.com because it’s the best site ever, don’t listen to him…but still, ya know…check it out…because…it is. Join the FORUMS, too!

 

-alexG. (SS,SD)

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