I used to like music. Really. I tried to follow all of the newest up-and-coming bands, went to concerts regularly, attempted to stay on top of what music was getting popular. Now I don’t give a shit anymore…and here’s why.
There is a wonderful quote from Kanye West in which he proclaims himself the voice of the decade–perhaps the voice of a generation…or at least the loudest voice. Sadly, this may be true. West appears all over the Billboard charts in various songs–and while doing so–has simultaneously been responsible for some of the most memorable controversies in recent pop culture.
He's not MY president.
The independent music that I used to associate myself with fucking sucks now. It’s all electronic nonsense and experiemental bullshit. I hate the fact that we stopped progressing musically in this decade and just fucked off right back to the ’80s (the decade that destroyed music).
Let’s take a look at Billboard’s Top 25 pieces of shit that pass for music these days:
25. HOT N COLD–Katy Perry–Not a terrible song to start off the top 25, but if you’ve only heard one Katy Perry song in your life, it probably isn’t this one. She’s the one who kissed a girl and liked it, remember? Don’t worry kids. This video is just as easy to rub one out to.
24. HALO–Beyonce–This chart-topper has to be contested. There’s no way I will believe that at least 90% of the YouTube views for this song weren’t from gamers looking for cheats and walkthroughs.
23. MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU–Kelly Clarkson–Isn’t it amazing that the first ever winner of American Idol is still out and about, allowed to continue to make shitty music? Every other winner has mysteriously vanished over the years. I suspect foul play…
22. BEST I EVER HAD–Drake–For those of you who don’t know, Drake is Aubrey Graham, the actor who played Jimmy in TV’s Degrassi: The Next Generation. And he’s still breaking the hearts of pre-teens to this day…sigh…tits.
21. THE CLIMB–Miley Cyrus–A blonde wig transforms Miley Cyrus into unrecognizable pop star Hannah Montana in the hit film: Hannah Montana: The Movie. If you want to know more about the song after hearing that, you’re retarded. This song is so pop-irritating, it should feature quirky animated squirrels in 3D.
20. DOWN–Jay Sean (ft. Lil Wayne)–Is anybody else fucking tired of Lil Wayne? This mushmouth motherfucker appeared out of nowhere and he’s been ruining my life with catchy and irritating songs ever since.
19. KISS ME THRU THE PHONE–Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (ft. Sammie)–I think Soulja Boy (Tell ‘Em) needs to disappear. All he does is bitch about his fame and fortune and beg for Twitter followers. Fuck ‘em.
18. LIVE YOUR LIFE–T.I. (ft. Rihanna)–I’m actually quite fond of Rihanna, and this song got me hooked. You can’t use the Numa Numa song in Hip Hop and not be iconic to nerds everywhere…especially if you appear topless on the internets…or have a rapper name the same as our science calculators.
17. I KNOW YOU WANT ME–Pitbull–Perhaps this song’s downfalls are twofold. On one hand, Pitbull is not “featuring” any other artist, which is frowned upon. Second, this song crosses Shaggy with Mambo Number 5 and I fucking hate it.
16. BLAME IT–Jamie Foxx (ft. T. Pain)–Jamie Foxx knows that you have to feature a more innovative artist to get on the charts and that’s exactly what he did. Thanks to T. Pain, we have the miracle of using auto-tune for musical effect. Before he came along, we were just using it so sluts could hold a tune.
15. KNOCK YOU DOWN–Keri Hilson (ft. Kanye West & Ne-Yo)–You have to really try to hate Kanye West. He gives you so many reasons, yet you let his music get the best of you. It’s like water-boarding.
14. USE SOMEBODY–Kings of Leon–Kings of Leon got popular earlier on this decade, but nobody knew who the fuck they were until this year. You pay a price when you become famous though–you start to suck. Especially because they’re now about 4 albums deep.
13. YOU FOUND ME–The Fray–There’s still some rock on the Billboard Charts, believe it or not…but it’s all crap-rock. You may like the Fray, but you may also be a fag.
12. DEAD AND GONE–T.I. (ft. Justin Timberlake)–Remember when you had to be either a chick or a gaylord to like Justin Timberlake? Now you can be a smooth-rappin’ convict and be his BFF.
11. YOU BELONG WITH ME–Taylor Swift–You know, oddly enough, I actually don’t mind Taylo–sorry, sorry, I’ll finish later…I just wanted to let everyone know that Beyonce had the greatest video of all time.
10. GIVES YOU HELL–The All-American Rejects–Remember the dark days when you actually listened to The All-American Rejects? You won’t admit it, but you haven’t changed a fucking bit.
9. HEARTLESS–Kanye West–I actually didn’t know that Kanye West was a solo performer. I thought he only appeared on other artists’ albums. We all learned something today.
8. SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)–Beyonce–When you’re married to Jay-Z, you can have whatever you want…as long as you “put a ring on it.” And by “a ring,” I mean: “your lips”…and by “it,” I mean: “his cock.”
7. I’M YOURS–Jason Mraz–The geek in the pink is back. Somehow I thought this song came out before 2009, but then I remembered that all Jason Mraz’s songs sound the same.
6. RIGHT ROUND–Flo Rida–If you’re going to cover a 1985 Dead or Alive song, you have to emphasize that you’re singing about oral sex…and then top it off with a reassuring, “No Homo.”
5. LOVE STORY–Taylor Swift–I don’t get the Taylor Swift phenomenon, honestly. She’s eye candy with a sweet voice, but…oh, right.
4. I GOTTA FEELING–The Black Eyed Peas–This song depresses the shit out of me. I don’t know why, but I gotta feeling it’s because it reminds me that somewhere out there, someone is listening to this song at a killer party, and I’m stuck in a shithole apartment playing Earthworm Jim.
3. JUST DANCE–Lady Gaga (ft. Colby O’Donis)–It’s important for an unknown artist to enlist the help of another unknown artist for emotional support. Old videos of “Lady Gaga” lead me to believe that somewhere in that gruff exterior is the voice of an angel–and possibly a penis.
2. POKER FACE–Lady Gaga–This year, audio technicians (for some reason) decided to compile the most unpleasant and aggrovating noises into a collaboration they dubbed “The Most Annoying Song Ever.” I would rather listen to that on repeat for the rest of my life than hear Poker Face one more time.
1. BOOM BOOM POW–The Black Eyed Peas–Somehow I managed to avoid this song all year. I never even heard it until just recently, and I’m pretty glad. The Black Eyed Peas are hit or miss for me, and this song would only be tolerable if there were a chick grinding against you and the bass was so loud that you didn’t give a shit.
Thanks, 2009. You really destroyed every interest I had in ever listening to music again. You gave me a bunch of new bands to listen to, a bunch of new music by bands I like, and another year of shit to play non-stop on every radio station in every city.
Although, when you put ‘em all together, it’s not that bad at all…
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