Tag Archives: lil wayne
April 21, 2012 · 3:44 pm
March 5, 2012 · 6:05 pm
Best and Worst Music Videos of 2011
Hey, boys and girls! I’ve been reviewing music all year–songs and artists that I’ve really enjoyed, and those I found horrifying. I try not to be genre-specific, but it does become a strain on my ability to effectively deliver my honest opinion. Having said that, I can (and regularly do) appreciate lots of different styles of music, which you’ll see here. Some of these may not surprise you if you’ve frequented this site to read our rants and reviews, or if you’re friends with me on Facebook. Leave your comments below if you agree or disagree. I’m sure we’ll come to a polite consensus. I should also mention that these are purely looking at the video itself. Someone might have had a great song, but the video was just satisfactory. So, if we’re all on board this fucking gravy-train, let’s start off with the BEST 5 Videos I’ve seen this year:
5. Lil Wayne–How To Love
There’s a lot going on in this video, and I get that “this isn’t my life, but holy shit” moment that I always got from 2Pac’s more emotional songs. I’ve had conversations with hip hop enthusiasts who hate Lil Wayne, and others who couldn’t live without him. It could just be the heart-tugging elements of the video itself…but it’s songs like this, that cement Weezy’s relevance and diversity, IMO.
4. Tyler the Creator–Yonkers
Vulgar, offensive (to some), and with such multi-leveled introspection, I feel like I’ve been Incepted, I can never be mad at Odd Future. They gave me some of the best music (most of it for free) and one of the best concerts of the year. They’ve irritated many, arguably growing too immense for their own good, as they now walk around so high-and-mighty with their heads in the clouds that they look like collectible Bobble-Head versions of young black hipsters. They’ve inserted themselves into every possible media niche, and it all started here, when Tyler hit the mainstream. It might be nonsensical, silly, horrific batshit, but I hope it never ends.
3. Garfunkel and Oates–This Party Took a Turn for the Douche
Been in love with Garfunkel and Oates for a while, but Kate Micucci and Riki Lindhome definitely have everything going in this video. With guest appearances by Sarah Silverman, Tig Notaro and Alia Shawkat, and references to everything from Tim Taylor to Jeff Goldblum, I can’t get enough of this video and wind up showing it to everyone whether they like it or not. Fuck you.
2. Manchester Orchestra–Simple Math
This video doubles as one of my favorite videos and songs of the year. There’s so much happening in this tribute to, what I can only assume is, the moments that flash before you when you’re a fat kid. This video became so engrained in my mind with this song that I can hardly listen to it anymore without feeling that sense of drifting in and out of reality; and that sounds totally gayballs, but it’s true.
1. Beastie Boys–Make Some Noise
I would be amazed if this video isn’t near first place on every “Best of” list of the past year. Not only is it a celebrity-packed, epic and bad-ass homage to the aging band, but the song is phenomenal and proves that the boys from Brooklyn are still relevant. Their style, while subtly evolving and incorporating new vision, remains–at its core–identical to the old school. Mike D, MCA, and Ad-Rock are re-energized as portrayed by Seth Rogen, Elijah Wood, and Danny McBride.
And now we have to move on, I’m afraid, to the Worst of 2011…the videos that made me hate myself, the music industry, and you. But they also made me feel so much better about listening to everything for free, courtesy of the Internets.
5. Rebecca Black–Friday
I know, I know. It’s easy and it’s on every list, but it’s unavoidable. There’s no way, being a pop culture website, we could just ignore this bullshit. This took the world by storm and it’s probably the reason YouTube still exists. As horrible as this song and video are, I can’t be mad at Rebecca Black. She doesn’t know any better…which is why, I couldn’t just crash her attempt, landing it safely in the Hudson Bay of 5th place. Also, I love the completely unpredictable and insanely meaningless rap at end. This has undoubtedly made Black more money and given her more opportunities in life that anyone in her family has ever had, so…she’ll inevitably fade into obscurity when something more painful to listen to over and over and over again emerges in 2012.
4. Kreayshawn–Gucci Gucci
Some of you may find it odd that in the “Best of” section, I swooned over Odd Future, only to post a video in the “Worst of,” featuring several members of the band making guest appearances…and to that, I say: well observed! Anyone who likes this video must get themselves a CAT scan. I tried to like Kreayshawn, after her interview with Nardwuar and educating myself to her punk-rock upbringing, I thought to myself: Hey, self, this isn’t going to be awful! And immediately after, I thought: Self, why are you listening to me in the first place?
3. Skrillex–Ruffneck
As much as I can’t abide Skrillex and think all of his “songs” sound identical, this video really had me questioning whether he should be on the cover of SPIN, or that anyone should know his name (stage name). I actually liked his video for “First of the Year (Equinox),” even though the tune itself was just as shrill and irritating as this one, thus keeping it off my top 5…but this video is simply awful, and the Christmas gimmick pushed it over the edge to just being painful to watch (and listen to!).
2. Lady Gaga–Marry The Night
I’m sorry. I don’t get Lady Gaga, and I probably never will. Nothing she says or does ever seems honest or original. Her fans praise her for her weird personality, original style, and overall “fuck everybody” attitude. In reality, she just represents a new generation of club kids who dig this because they’re too fucked to realize how obnoxious it all is. Marry the Night, like all of Gaga’s videos, is far too long–and it would be entertaining if it weren’t so flat and boring. You know how people have that ongoing argument about art? Someone will say, “This isn’t art, this is just slapped together and stupid.” And then someone else will retort, “Who are you to say what art is? Maybe everything we do is a form of artistic expression!” Yeah? Well, this isn’t art.
1. Shira–Pound on my Muffin
This spot was supposed to be reserved for the lovely Courtney Stodden, who graced us with some of the worst vomit-inducing musical macabre we’ve ever heard. But, alas, her videos were all 2010 timestamped, so I had to think on my feet. This is the best/worst thing I found. Hitting it kind of close, as this just hit the internets on Christmas (of all days), but I think I found my swan song of 2011. The lyrics are so atrocious that I can’t help but think it’s a joke…but if it is, it’s not funny. Not only does Shira’s scarred and weathered appearance indicate she’s had more than her muffin pounded over the years, she has the sad, desperate demeanor of a stripper, or that girl from the neighborhood who always wanted to be a stripper, and then mysteriously disappeared. My absolute favorite part of this video has to be the faces on all of the men who make appearances, pretending to seem interested, and instead looking confused or horrified. Time will tell if this piece of shit gains any media attention. But at 60,000+ hits, it’s starting to look like a bright year for Shira!
–That’s All Folks! Welcome 2012!
Filed under Arts, Fun Stuff, Music, News, Review, Top 10 List, Top 5 List
Nardwuar: The Hardest Working Man in the World?
You may have never heard the name John Ruskin before, but then again, you may have also never heard of him by the name he’s had since 1986: Nardwuar. We Americans don’t pay too much attention to our neighbors to the North unless they’re starship captains, shrinking kids, or have the last name Bieber; however, we can’t write them off all together.
Nardwuar (the Human Serviette) hails from Vancouver, British Columbia where he got started in the radio industry at age 19, and has made an extremely impressive and inspiring career for himself through saying “screw off” to the system by being genuinely nice, optimistic, and most importantly, unusual.
It is because of his unusual interview tactics that several of Nardwuar’s more impatient interviewees get extremely upset, and sometimes even physically “stand-offish.” Most of the more respectful and well-composed musicians, celebrities, and politicians who Nardwuar interviews have an excellent sense of humor and wind up being in awe of his passion and dedication. Known as more of a “guerrilla journalist” than a typical comedian, Nardwuar the Human Serviette is extremely prone to getting under the skin of some of his interviewees. His interview style is often mistaken for disrespect or mockery; but when you watch or listen to the interviews, this is certainly not the case.
His style is…different. And that’s important to a wide variety of celebrities who have had the pleasure of meeting him. He offers a sweet alternate to the mundane and time-tested interview process that may be understandably frustrating in the moment, but as a spectator, one can’t help but smile.
I’d like to think that his job isn’t to “do interviews.” His purpose on Earth (perhaps dropped here from a distant planet where everyone is as rad as him) seems to be to learn, inspire, laugh, and hope to make other people laugh in the process.
As a Garage Punk musician in his 40′s, he has a very independent spirit and strong connection and love for the music world; ending every interview with “Keep on Rockin’ in the Free World,” or the “doot doota doot doot…” of “Shave and a Haircut,” expecting his interview subject to finish the ditty before they are allowed to leave. Some choose to add their own flavor, such as “Help Me,” from Tom Morello, “Ka-Boom,” from Jello Biafra, “Bukkake,” from Hodgy Beats, and of course, the very popular, “Fuck you.”
Nardwuar the Human Serviette is truly an inspiration to all indie and do-it-yourself artists, journalists, and writers out there; so Nardwuar, wherever you are, please don’t stop doing what you’re doing. Keep on rockin’ in the free world.
(You can see much much much more from Nardwuar the Human Serviette on his website (obviously) www.nardwuar.com)
Soundtrack to the Week (If you care)
Recovery—Eminem: “Fuck my last CD; that shit’s in the trash.” Eminem drops some knowledge in his latest release, reminding us that we fell in love with him for his personality and passion. If you haven’t heard the full album yet, you’ve likely heard the single, Not Afraid; so take your response to that song, multiply it by infinity, and that’s how much you should love this record. It’s incredible that the rapper can so easily transition from barely poetic novelty-hip hop nonsense to this genre-defining masterwork. The bar has been set. Next time anyone plays anything off Relapse, push them down a flight of stairs.
Thank Me Later—Drake: At some point, we have to get past the fact that Drake was Jimmy from Degrassi. He clearly goes above and beyond to crush the association between him and teen melodrama, and it’s a damn shame that it’s not working. Most of his lyrics, while captivating and melodic, are at their core—psychologically immature. But we’re still listening, so fuck it. Keep doing what you do, Drake. After all, Blink 182’s still doing songs about the girls who broke their hearts in high school, and they’re, like, 40.
The Almighty Defenders—The Almighty Defenders: We’re a bit behind with this one—released in September 2009—but we’ve obviously not been paying enough attention. One could call The Almighty Defenders a “super-group,” if one recognized either of the amazing bands involved. The band is made up of The Black Lips and King Khan and BBQ Show, joining forces for the first time to produce 11 incredible “spirituals” that conjure up a dream of walking awkwardly into a Baptist Church only to realize the party’s being hosted by Satan with every blues, jazz, and rock god playing the devil’s music.
Teargarden by Kaleidyscope Vol. 1: Songs for a Sailor—The Smashing Pumpkins: Surely the length of the title is more impressive than the actual album. To call this a “new Pumpkins album” is the rambling of a madman. Billy Corgan probably decided that it would be a fun experiment to see how much people who still buy CDs would pay for a CD. Answer: way-too-fucking-much. You probably won’t find this release for less than $30, as it comes in a wooden box with a little marble obelisk for some reason. The EP is 4 songs that wind up being a combination of Zwan and The Decemberists—which, in theory, would be pretty rad…but in practice, it’s wholly unsatisfying–especially when you try to pass it off as Pumpkins.
Brothers—The Black Keys: It’s nice to see The Black Keys switching up their sound, if only slightly. Not that I’ve grown weary of their perfected straight-forward rock n’roll/blues, but after an already extensive catalog, it’s pleasant to see some variation on the theme. I’m ashamed to say that I hadn’t actively listened to The Black Keys before they were featured in the 2007 film Black Snake Moan, despite them having been around for the better part of the last decade. I was a fool, and I now accept the error of my ways.
Rebirth—Lil Wayne: I have to be honest and say that it took a while for Weezy to grow on me, but this album is such solid fucking gold that I feel mentally disabled for ignoring Lil Wayne for so long. We should all offer our thanks to Aerosmith and Run DMC for creating the genre of “Rap Rock” despite Limp Bizkit, Kid Rock, etc, etc, etc. The difference, of course, is that Lil Wayne is a legitimately talented rapper who decided to rock out for an album, and we’re glad he did. His collaborations with Eminem, the gorgeous Nicki Minaj, and the power ballad “Die for You” are possibly the greatest tracks here, but that’s like saying that the white and red Smarties are the best. They’re all wonderful, so just shut up and eat your fucking candy.
–Alex G/likes when rappers are able rhyme words that should never, ever, ever rhyme.
Filed under Arts, Music, Review, Top 5 List
I Lost Interest in Music in 2009: Billboard’s Top 25
I used to like music. Really. I tried to follow all of the newest up-and-coming bands, went to concerts regularly, attempted to stay on top of what music was getting popular. Now I don’t give a shit anymore…and here’s why.
There is a wonderful quote from Kanye West in which he proclaims himself the voice of the decade–perhaps the voice of a generation…or at least the loudest voice. Sadly, this may be true. West appears all over the Billboard charts in various songs–and while doing so–has simultaneously been responsible for some of the most memorable controversies in recent pop culture.
He's not MY president.
The independent music that I used to associate myself with fucking sucks now. It’s all electronic nonsense and experiemental bullshit. I hate the fact that we stopped progressing musically in this decade and just fucked off right back to the ’80s (the decade that destroyed music).
Let’s take a look at Billboard’s Top 25 pieces of shit that pass for music these days:
25. HOT N COLD–Katy Perry–Not a terrible song to start off the top 25, but if you’ve only heard one Katy Perry song in your life, it probably isn’t this one. She’s the one who kissed a girl and liked it, remember? Don’t worry kids. This video is just as easy to rub one out to.
24. HALO–Beyonce–This chart-topper has to be contested. There’s no way I will believe that at least 90% of the YouTube views for this song weren’t from gamers looking for cheats and walkthroughs.
23. MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU–Kelly Clarkson–Isn’t it amazing that the first ever winner of American Idol is still out and about, allowed to continue to make shitty music? Every other winner has mysteriously vanished over the years. I suspect foul play…
22. BEST I EVER HAD–Drake–For those of you who don’t know, Drake is Aubrey Graham, the actor who played Jimmy in TV’s Degrassi: The Next Generation. And he’s still breaking the hearts of pre-teens to this day…sigh…tits.
21. THE CLIMB–Miley Cyrus–A blonde wig transforms Miley Cyrus into unrecognizable pop star Hannah Montana in the hit film: Hannah Montana: The Movie. If you want to know more about the song after hearing that, you’re retarded. This song is so pop-irritating, it should feature quirky animated squirrels in 3D.
20. DOWN–Jay Sean (ft. Lil Wayne)–Is anybody else fucking tired of Lil Wayne? This mushmouth motherfucker appeared out of nowhere and he’s been ruining my life with catchy and irritating songs ever since.
19. KISS ME THRU THE PHONE–Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (ft. Sammie)–I think Soulja Boy (Tell ‘Em) needs to disappear. All he does is bitch about his fame and fortune and beg for Twitter followers. Fuck ‘em.
18. LIVE YOUR LIFE–T.I. (ft. Rihanna)–I’m actually quite fond of Rihanna, and this song got me hooked. You can’t use the Numa Numa song in Hip Hop and not be iconic to nerds everywhere…especially if you appear topless on the internets…or have a rapper name the same as our science calculators.
17. I KNOW YOU WANT ME–Pitbull–Perhaps this song’s downfalls are twofold. On one hand, Pitbull is not “featuring” any other artist, which is frowned upon. Second, this song crosses Shaggy with Mambo Number 5 and I fucking hate it.
16. BLAME IT–Jamie Foxx (ft. T. Pain)–Jamie Foxx knows that you have to feature a more innovative artist to get on the charts and that’s exactly what he did. Thanks to T. Pain, we have the miracle of using auto-tune for musical effect. Before he came along, we were just using it so sluts could hold a tune.
15. KNOCK YOU DOWN–Keri Hilson (ft. Kanye West & Ne-Yo)–You have to really try to hate Kanye West. He gives you so many reasons, yet you let his music get the best of you. It’s like water-boarding.
14. USE SOMEBODY–Kings of Leon–Kings of Leon got popular earlier on this decade, but nobody knew who the fuck they were until this year. You pay a price when you become famous though–you start to suck. Especially because they’re now about 4 albums deep.
13. YOU FOUND ME–The Fray–There’s still some rock on the Billboard Charts, believe it or not…but it’s all crap-rock. You may like the Fray, but you may also be a fag.
12. DEAD AND GONE–T.I. (ft. Justin Timberlake)–Remember when you had to be either a chick or a gaylord to like Justin Timberlake? Now you can be a smooth-rappin’ convict and be his BFF.
11. YOU BELONG WITH ME–Taylor Swift–You know, oddly enough, I actually don’t mind Taylo–sorry, sorry, I’ll finish later…I just wanted to let everyone know that Beyonce had the greatest video of all time.
10. GIVES YOU HELL–The All-American Rejects–Remember the dark days when you actually listened to The All-American Rejects? You won’t admit it, but you haven’t changed a fucking bit.
9. HEARTLESS–Kanye West–I actually didn’t know that Kanye West was a solo performer. I thought he only appeared on other artists’ albums. We all learned something today.
8. SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)–Beyonce–When you’re married to Jay-Z, you can have whatever you want…as long as you “put a ring on it.” And by “a ring,” I mean: “your lips”…and by “it,” I mean: “his cock.”
7. I’M YOURS–Jason Mraz–The geek in the pink is back. Somehow I thought this song came out before 2009, but then I remembered that all Jason Mraz’s songs sound the same.
6. RIGHT ROUND–Flo Rida–If you’re going to cover a 1985 Dead or Alive song, you have to emphasize that you’re singing about oral sex…and then top it off with a reassuring, “No Homo.”
5. LOVE STORY–Taylor Swift–I don’t get the Taylor Swift phenomenon, honestly. She’s eye candy with a sweet voice, but…oh, right.
4. I GOTTA FEELING–The Black Eyed Peas–This song depresses the shit out of me. I don’t know why, but I gotta feeling it’s because it reminds me that somewhere out there, someone is listening to this song at a killer party, and I’m stuck in a shithole apartment playing Earthworm Jim.
3. JUST DANCE–Lady Gaga (ft. Colby O’Donis)–It’s important for an unknown artist to enlist the help of another unknown artist for emotional support. Old videos of “Lady Gaga” lead me to believe that somewhere in that gruff exterior is the voice of an angel–and possibly a penis.
2. POKER FACE–Lady Gaga–This year, audio technicians (for some reason) decided to compile the most unpleasant and aggrovating noises into a collaboration they dubbed “The Most Annoying Song Ever.” I would rather listen to that on repeat for the rest of my life than hear Poker Face one more time.
1. BOOM BOOM POW–The Black Eyed Peas–Somehow I managed to avoid this song all year. I never even heard it until just recently, and I’m pretty glad. The Black Eyed Peas are hit or miss for me, and this song would only be tolerable if there were a chick grinding against you and the bass was so loud that you didn’t give a shit.
Thanks, 2009. You really destroyed every interest I had in ever listening to music again. You gave me a bunch of new bands to listen to, a bunch of new music by bands I like, and another year of shit to play non-stop on every radio station in every city.
Although, when you put ‘em all together, it’s not that bad at all…
(return to MAIN PAGE)
Filed under Arts, Fun Stuff, Mistakes, Music, Rant, Review, Television, Top 10 List
The SuperDPS Guide to Un-Sexy
As an American male who has long-since been desensitized to the likes of Two Girls, One Cup, I think it’s safe to say there is very little taboo in this age. You can be a sexual deviant and be a mega-star. You can be a child predator and still wind up making it big on MSNBC.
There’s no doubt that it’s a very sexy time to be alive. Aging hippies will talk of free love, fucking in trees and bushes, in public, on the steps of Congress. The young generation boasts about the blowjob they received behind a Wawa, or Denny’s. This is the same generation that brought us sexting (underage sexual text messages and pictures) which the media will claim as child pornography…but shouldn’t it be acceptable for sharing between consenting young adults?
The truth is that in the hands of the wrong people, something with convoluted sexuality (like “sexting”) may have the potential to be dangerous. But for the harmless, law-abiding, sexual creature, whatever doesn’t fuck you can only make you harder. This is a guide to those elements of sexuality and weirdness that put one over that thin red line that divides the objectively kinky from the universally creepy.
...universally creepy.
Analloeroticism (Asexuality)–You should never trust people who voluntarily detach themselves from sex; especially because any reasoning they give is complete horse shit. Whether it be spirituality, intellect, or a complete lack of passion, human beings who consider themselves “asexual” usually end up being deviant monsters whose inevitable life-long repression finds a way to rear its ugly head.
(Runners up: Agalmatophilia, Acne, According to Jim)
Bible, The–There are countless groups attempting to promote the idea that the biblical definitions of sex and relationships are the end-all-be-all. Some consider sex to be a spiritual or religious experience, and that’s fine. But there’s nothing sexy about basing your fucking on a ridiculous ancient text…unless it’s the Kama Sutra, in which case…you probably shouldn’t try.
(Runners up: B/O, Balloon Fetish, Burn Victims, Being Raped By Mike Tyson, Bobby Jindal)
Coprophilia–Poop, scat, feces, diarrhea…these things should never be sexually gratifying in any way. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, you decide it might be kinky to take a shit on your lover’s chest. You both agree (because you’re both fucking stupid) and you go for it. It’s all well and good until you realize you’re taking a shit on someone and that shit is going to have to be cleaned up. By you. If you have to shit during sex, you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
(Runners up: Cock rings, Cannibalism, Crabs, Craigslist)
Douchebags–While this seems like a somewhat unfair choice (because I’m subjectively defining the term), I think it’s an accurate representation. By definition the term has a negative connotation, but it can refer to almost anyone. Unfortunately, a douchebag can be sexy…but you’ll soon find that you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.
(Runners up: Dendrophilia, Dominos Pizza, Dave Coulier)
Erotophonophilia–There’s nothing wrong with a little violence to get your rocks off, but when it turns into getting sexually excited by murder, you just become psychofuck serial killer. Thank christ that we have psychologists and psychoanalysts who spend their lives coming up with scientific names for these mental disorders, or we wouldn’t know it as erotophonophilia. We’d simply know it as “Daddy masturbates to the History Channel.”
(Runners up: Eels, Edible Panties, Enemas, Eugene Levy)
Frotteurism–Sexual pleasure from strangers is fine (in fact, it is possibly the basis of all porn); however, this particular “ism” refers to the sexual excitement that comes from casually rubbing against strangers; i.e. that guy who tried to get by you on the train was, in fact, creaming his jeans as he touched your soft white shoulder.
(Runners up: Formicophilia, Facebook Creepers, Futanari, Furries, Fish Fucking)
These signs need to be around everywhere. A friendly reminder is always nice.
Guro–Possibly the most violent and bizarre form of hentai (comic pornography), Guro blows my mind. The genre has a reputation of involving the most disgustingly violent forms of sex (i.e. rape, skull-fucking, horrorporn). Am I not hip, or is that wholly un-sexy? Guro is certainly interesting to peruse. It can be quite psychological and strange…but it’s still…totally…not sexy.
(Runners up: Girls Gone Wild, Ghosts, Grover Bodies, Gary Busey, Gap Kids)
Horoscopes–If a chick asks you what your Astrological sign is, don’t get involved. If a guy asks you what your Astrological sign is, he’s probably probably retarded…or incredibly bright, depending on how you look at it…but he is taking a huge risk. People who gauge their lives based on a random blurb in the newspaper have monumentally unattractive personalities and dependence issues.
(Runners up: Hebephilia, Hairyness, Harry Potter, Hooters)
Intellectual Laziness–Is there any bigger turn-off than stupidity? Maybe Lip Hair…yes. Lip hair would be a bigger turn-off. But, look…there’s no problem with not being the brightest crayon in the box, but the desire to grow has to be there. In guys and gals, if you’re a dummy, you’re a dummy; but if you sit there and drool while someone is trying to explain something to you, you’re either medically retarded, or you’re a Creationist.
(Runners Up: Infantophilia, IUD, IHOP, Idealism, Islam, IKEA Furniture)
Juicy Shorts–On a nice ass, it doesn’t matter what the logo says. “Oh, Juicy ass? Okay, why not?” But most perceptions of a “juicy” ass are extremely negative. The worst thing about the whole “juicy” craze is that no one whose ass you could comfortably call “juicy” wears the fucking shorts. They’re always either worn by 12-year olds or the morbidly obese. False Advertising.
(Runners Up: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jedi, Japanese Porn)
The pairing of "Juicy, Cherries, and Underage Girls" is enough to make even Chris Hansen go, "How the fuck did I miss this?!"
Kilts (on men)–Scotland’s exports to the United States are all things that it has become necessary to re-gift…or just throw away. Their food isn’t food. Golf is one of the most boring activities one can engage in and still claim to be having “fun” (aside from bowling). And men wearing knee-skirts seems evil and wrong. When waitresses at Scottish bars wear kilts, it’s fresh and exciting, like a schoolgirl that you wouldn’t go to prison for fucking. An attractive man wearing a kilt might as well be living in a cave. An unattractive man wearing a kilt is probably Scottish.
(Runners Up: Klismaphilia, Kohl’s, Keith Richards, Kat Von D, Karaoke, Kafka)
Learning Yoga–I’d like to think that all of those able-bodied people who can actually do yoga are just born with that talent. I can’t even touch my fucking toes and these people are turning their bodies into soft pretzels. The practice of yoga is absolutely sexy; but the jackasses who think they can move their body like that when they haven’t even stretched since High School gym class need to think twice.
(Runners Up: Lactaphilia, Lil Wayne, Love Stories, Lane Bryant)
Masking–Possibly the most unnerving and unsettling sexual fetish is “masking.” I can appreciate the concepts of role play, costumes, and even latex/rubber fetishes (but what’s the point?); however, the concept of “masking” takes this all a step further. Maskers are men who make human female “skin outfits” out of latex and wear them around as if they are in a woman’s body. It’s like…EXTREME CROSS-DRESSING. It verges way-too-close to House of 1000 Corpses for me to find sexually appealing. But then again, I’m not a cross-dresser…or a psychotic.
(Runners Up: Menophilia, Mucophilia, MySpace, Mall Cops, Mahjong, Moustaches, Milk)
Nihilists–There’s something to be said about individuals who stand by the non-existence of morality and law. Nihilists believe in nothing, and while–as an atheist–I have a certain admiration for disbelievers, there is very little that can be considered attractive about these people. Sure, you’ll meet your artsy guy or gal who claims to be a nihilist; but you’ll soon find that they are an a dark abyss where personality and sexuality are fucking extinct.
(Runners Up: NASCAR, Nickelodeon, Nation Geographic, Needledicks, Necrophilia)
Obesity–Allow me to clarify that, for the record, there is nothing wrong with fat-bottomed girls. You don’t need to be skinny to be sexy. Classical artists painted heavyset women for ages…plump chicks wearing velvet, eating apples in the Garden of Eden, chugging wine like it’s 1509. I’ll leave it at this: you never see Michelangelo’s portraits of 300+ pound women washing themselves with rags on sticks and being carried out of their homes through a truck-sized hole in the wall.
(Runners Up: Olive Garden, Octomom, Occult)
Plushophilia–Although I’ve already mentioned “Furries” as a ‘Runner Up,’ I felt obligated to give them the recognition they so richly deserve. A physical attraction to stuffed animals is only magnified when it is embodied by lovers in mascot costumes. If you’ve ever had sex with a girl who was laughing at you the whole time, imagine the feeling of looking down at a googly-eyed hippopotamus (or some shit) staring up at your with a shit-eating grin on its face. Now that’s a boner-killer.
(Runners Up: Pedophilia–obviously, Prom, Poop, Pottery Barn, PBS Kids)
This must be how Stormtroopers are punished for incopetence...
Quagmires (sexual)–Many stories have been told about the unpleasantness of first-time sex. It is known as being bumbling, staggering, messy, and–one way or another–it’s over far too fast. Of course this is a generalization made by a vast majority who are sexually awkward the first time they fuck. This is an excusable quagmire. After you’ve had a considerable level of experience, these sexual blunders only become acceptable if you get ‘camera-shy.’
(Runners Up: QVC, Queans, Querimonies, Quaternitarians, Questioning the legitimacy of this list)–yeah, look those up, bitches.
Reenactors–There’s nothing wrong with being a history buff. Being interested in anything that much is totally hot; but when it takes over your personality to the point that you become a character in a recurring story, you’ve drained yourself of that appeal. This goes mainly for men. Ladies, if you can pull off some sexy cosplay, go for it! Guys, isn’t that enough?
(Runners Up: Rush Limbaugh, Radio Shack, Religion, Reparations)
Symphorophilia–While I’m trying to stay away from criticizing paraphilia that others may hold dear, there are some which–if you dohold them dear–there’s something deeply and disturbingly wrong with you. Symphorophilia refers to the sexual attraction one would (but shouldn’t) receive from witnessing a horrible disaster, such as a plane crash or…holocaust. It goes beyond sadism. It’s driving past a car accident on the side of the road, checking it out, and getting a boner. Sexy enough for ya?
(Runners Up: Space Camp, Sex Offenders, Sesame Street, Sheep, Shingles)
Trichophilia–Evidently, it’s extremely rare (percentage-wise) for women to experience paraphilia. That’s not to say that women have no interest in the evils of fetishism; however, the ratio of guys to gals who get freaky is way-skewed. For this one, I think it could easily go either way. Remember the days when being “shaved” was an extreme sexual rarity? Now fucking everyone goes hairless–or mostly hairless–and the world is much better for it. Who needs those freaks who live in the past? And who wants to be picking pubes out of their teeth?
(Runners Up: Twilight, Two and a Half Men, Titty-hugs from titless strippers)
This is the result of thorough daily manscaping.
Ursusagalmatophilia–Having already mentioned the Furries, I don’t feel the need to go too far in depth with this one. Ursusa-whatthefuck-philia is the sexual attraction one might–or might not–have towards a Teddy Bear. But to be fair, who can resist their button-eyes, unassuming expressions, and the empty soulless feeling you get from sticking your dick in a hollowed out Teddy Bear?
(Runners Up: Ugg Boots, Unemployment, UK Basketball)
Vorarephilia–There are individuals who exist (yes, they exist) who don’t enjoy being eaten out. Whether it be ass or vajazz…some don’t like performing or receiving. Now, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it…but what if I tried to sell you this…(allow me to play Billy Mays for a moment) ‘Hi Billy Mays here for being eaten alive! Are you a human being who dreams of being a helpless rodent, devoured whole by a massive python?! Well with my new product, Vore-be-gone, you can experience the sensation of being eaten and digested by another living thing, without leaving your living room!’ What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
(Runners Up: Vampirism, Vulcans, Video Diaries, Vitamin Enthusiasts)
Wizard Porn–Harry Potter has suffered an onslaught of fan fiction horseshit. It’s not surprising, it’s just unnerving. Why is it that out of all the teenage angst and sexual tension in those Harry Potter books/movies, aspiring uber-nerds spend their time scribing the homosexual adventures of Potter and Malfoy–or Potter and that annoying ginger kid? There are plenty of chicks in the picture…and Hermione’s getting kinda hot, so why not? Of course, if you really think about it…even straight wizard sex is kinda gay.
(Runners Up: Words of Wisdom, Wigs, Whinging, WalMart, World of Warcraft)
Xanga-When horny old men aren’t trolling MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter for fresh meat, they use Xanga…so it’s probably safe to say that there are hardly any horny old men on Xanga. But, for the purposes of this “X,” let’s assume that there are. What better way to scope out under-age girls with low self esteem? Their parents don’t understand them and their friends are all bitches. You’re the only one who really understands her…so why not? Some guys get off on girls’ desperation…but, those guys are all still in college. We’ve moved on.
(Runners Up: Xenophobia, Xanex)
Yard Art–Also called “Lawn Ornaments” or “Lawn Decor,” Yard Art is truly a sign of the sexually repressed and artistically retarded. Discovering a pink flamingo, garden gnome, wooden windmill, or crudely painted-not-so-funny-plywood-cutout-folk-art sticking out of your neighbor’s obsessively manipulated green grass is a sure sign that they’re probably in the business of enslaving children.
(Runners Up: YMCA Creeper Swim)
And who can forget the adorable folksy nature of having a little piece of racism on your front porch?
Zoophilia–We’ve had a lot of fun here today, but there’s nothing funny about fucking a horse…okay, there’s something funny about fucking a horse–especially if you do it more than once, with the same horse…like this guy. Beastiality is possibly the most intense form of animal adoration out there. Beat that, PeTA! It takes the term “dog lover” to a whole new level…truly man’s best friend.
On the other side of this is Zoosadism, a runner-up for this entry…which is essentially the thrill of seeing animals in pain. Also, this means if you’re pissed off at Michael Vick, you should probably also be against hunting, fishing, bull fighting, horse racing, and any other “sport” that provides us with a fun and exciting way to say “fuck you” to animals…without actually fucking them.
(Runners Up: Zoosadism, Zodiac Signs, Zeitgeist)
I’d like to believe that this guide will be helpful to anyone who had to ask themselves the self-depreciating question, “Should I be masturbating to this?” It’s an important question to ask before risking feeling completely miserable with guilt for the rest of your day life. If any of you have any disagreements, Runners Up, or changes you feel could be made to this very important document, please don’t hesitate to voice your opinion. It can be changed. It’s a living document…
…just try not to have sex with it.
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