Tag Archives: letterman

What the Fuck Happened? Actors Turned Musicians

alexbwIt’s no secret that we live in a world of excess. The zeitgeist indicates that we are no longer content in simply being good or even great, we need to be better–do more–even if that means dangerously shoving ourselves past the points of logic, common sense, and personal ability.

I’d like to focus, for the sake of this brief discussion, on two individuals who have fairly recently displayed that their talent can not possibly make up for the endless pit of douchebaggery brought on by their musical “careers.”

Why: What the Fuck Happened? Well, not only am I referring to the question: What the fuck happened to these people? but also: What the fuck happened to the golden age of the celebrity?

You see, in my understanding, back in Hollywood’s Double Platinumage, stars were expected to be multi-talented performers. If they needed to dance, they danced. Sing, they sang. Overdose? They went all out!

Today, celebrities are expected to do about two things:

1. Be consistent and professional. Realize your place in the entertainment industry and do your best not to step on anyone else’s toes. FAIL

2.Not expose themselves in public or on the Internet; and along with that, not to bring negative attention to themselves at the expense of the productions that they are participating in. EPIC FAIL

So, with that in mind, let’s talk a little bit about Joaquin Phoenix.

Earlier this year, Phoenix (in some form) appeared on Letterman to do one thing: promote his new movie.

Joaquin somehow dropped this tether-ball and wound up falling-ass-backwards into creating an Internet meme to promote his hip hop career.

Now, with respect to the loss of his potentially much-more-talented brother, River, Phoenix has taken the mope-road, transformed himself into a pariah, and now resembles the kind of person you’d find quietly masturbating in a Library.

Maybe he just needs to take some time off, but here’s to hoping that America gets its Joaquin Phoenix back soon; because this shit–

–is unex-fucking-ceptable.

Moving on; what the fuck happened to Billy Bob Thornton?

While I can not, in good conscience, sit here and defend him, his intellect, character, or work (for the most part), I do know in my heart that his work that actually hit, soared out of the park.

There is a fair amount of slack that must be evenly distributed to those who are constantly in the public eye despite  constant horseshit behavior. I get it. Who doesn’t want to be famous just so they can act like a total fuck-stick all of the time?

But Thornton took this concept to a new level when he verbally abused an innocent Qtv Interviewer who wanted only to let him get the word out about whatever-the-fuck Billy Bob was jerking himself off to next.

Watch Billy Bob’s stupid fucking face in this video! You just want the interviewer to leap over the table and break something off in him…

The other members of his shitty band don’t do anything to help the situation either. I’ll promise you this, Mr. Thornton. When you pull shit like this, it’s not funny. It’s not cute. It makes people hate you…

You see…when Paris Hilton or the Olson Twins or whoever pulls shit like this, we expect it. We give a collective sigh and treat them like the Entertainment Industry’s quirky near-retarded sisterswho it keeps away from all its friends  until it’s bored shitless.

You are a grown man, and a decent human being. This alone is sufficient to destroy you. And I’m glad you’ve done this to yourself before you had the opportunity to make Mr. Woodcock 2.

It’s a good thing their music is unlistenable, or I’d be at least a little conflicted.

Joaquin Phoenix and Billy Bob Thornton are certainly not even remotely close to being iconic or even significantly importantin their separate careers, but being in the public eye lends them a certain intrigue and respectability, which they seem to willingly and blindly be butchering without hesitation.

Mickey Rourke disappeared from the industry’s radar for a long time. When he came back, he made Spun, The Wrestler, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and Sin City. He’s spaced-as-fuck, but who cares? He’s amazing.

The only come-back I can conceivably predict for Joaquin and Billy Bob is an unsuccessful and poorly-thought-out opportunity to do the voices of two lovable, but slow-witted suicidal Lemmings in Walt Disney’s We Made a Horrible Mistake!

Alex G

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