Tag Archives: kanye west
As I try to do for every major awards show, letting a few slip through my fingers, I thought I’d make my educated guesses at who might come out with some big wins. After the passing of Whitney Houston the day prior to the Grammys, I’d imagine she will have a major underlying (and overlying) presence at the ceremony. I’m predicting a very traditional show with very little surprise, but that’s what comes from proper, formal award shows. That’s why we watch the MTV awards, the VMAs, and the Golden Globes–for the intoxicated antics of celebrities who proceed to “ruin everyone’s night” and make Monday headlines.
One thing that I discovered about the Grammys recently is the difference between “Song of the Year” and “Record of the Year.” It always seemed like a bullshit excuse to give out two awards for the same thing–as if the Academy Awards gave out Oscars for “Best Motion Picture” and “Coolest Motion Picture.” Evidently, “Song of the Year” awards the writing of the song, first and foremost, the collaboration of songwriters, not taking into account the final production of the piece. And “Record of the Year” rewards the song in conjunction with production value and sound. So, basically, the exact same award. This has cleared nothing up.
So let’s get into it. There are a lot of awards and very little time. As you may be aware, I will be commenting/updating these predictions via Twitter throughout the ceremony, so you can visit me there to congratulate me for being right, chastise me for being wrong, or just let me know how you’re just passing time before tonight’s premiere of The Walking Dead. Cheers!
(to see the full list of everyone nominated, click here) I skipped over many awards either because I don’t think they’ll be in the actual 3 hour show, or I have no intelligent guess to make and don’t give a shit who wins…
BEST LONG FORM MUSIC VIDEO: Beyonce (I Am…World Tour)
BEST SHORT FORM MUSIC VIDEO: “All is not Lost” (OK GO)
PRODUCER OF THE YEAR (NON-CLASSICAL): Ryan Tedder
BEST SCORE SOUNDTRACK: Alexandre Desplat (The King’s Speech)
BEST COMPILATION SOUNDTRACK FOR VISUAL MEDIA: Glee
BEST MUSICAL THEATER ALBUM: The Book of Mormon
BEST COMEDY ALBUM: Hilarious (LOUIS CK)
BEST SPOKEN WORD ALBUM: Bossypants (Tina Fey)
BEST REGGAE ALBUM: Wild and Free (Ziggy Marley)
BEST FOLK ALBUM: Helplessness Blues (Fleet Foxes)
BEST BLUES ALBUM: Low Country Blues (Gregg Allman)
BEST BLUEGRASS ALBUM: Paper Airplane (Alison Krauss & Union Station)
BEST AMERICANA ALBUM: Blessed (Lucinda Williams)
BEST COUNTRY ALBUM: Speak Now (Taylor Swift)
BEST COUNTRY SONG: Mean (Taylor Swift)
BEST COUNTRY DUO/GROUP PERFORMANCE: Don’t You Wanna Stay (Jason Aldean & Kelly Clarkson)
BEST COUNTRY SOLO PERFORMANCE: I’m Gonna Love You Through It (Martina McBride)
BEST RAP ALBUM: Watch the Throne (Jay-Z & Kanye West)
BEST RAP SONG: All of the Lights–Jeff Bhasker, Stacy Ferguson, Malik Jones, Warren Trotter & Kanye West, songwriters (Kanye West, Rihanna, Kid Cudi & Fergie)
BEST RAP/SUNG COLLABORATION: I Need a Doctor (Dr. Dre, Eminem, Skylar Grey)
BEST RAP PERFORMANCE: Look at me Now (Chris Brown, Lil Wayne & Busta Rhymes)
BEST R&B ALBUM: FAME (Chris Brown)
BEST R&B SONG: Fool For You–Cee Lo Green, Melanie Hallim, Jack Splash, songwriters (Cee Lo Green & Melanie Fiona)
BEST TRADITIONAL R&B PERFORMANCE: Surrender (Betty Wright & The Roots)
BEST R&B PERFORMANCE: You Are (Charlie Wilson)
BEST ALTERNATIVE MUSIC ALBUM: Torches (Foster the People)
BEST ROCK ALBUM: Come Around Sundown (Kings of Leon)
BEST ROCK SONG: Every Teardrop is a Waterfall (Coldplay)
BEST HARD ROCK/METAL PERFORMANCE: White Limo (Foo Fighters)
BEST ROCK PERFORMANCE: The Cave (Mumford & Sons)
BEST TRADITIONAL POP/VOCAL ALBUM: Duets II (Tony Bennett & Various Artists)
BEST DANCE/ELECTRONICA ALBUM: Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites (Skrillex)
BEST DANCE RECORDING: Sunshine (David Guetta & Avicii)
BEST POP VOCAL ALBUM: Loud (Rihanna)
BEST POP INSTRUMENTAL ALBUM: Setzer Goes Instru-Mental! (Brian Setzer)
BEST POP DUO/GROUP PERFORMANCE: Pumped Up Kicks (Foster the People)
BEST POP SOLO PERFORMANCE: Someone Like You (Adele)
BEST NEW ARTIST: Nicki Minaj
SONG OF THE YEAR: Rolling in the Deep (Adele)
ALBUM OF THE YEAR: 21 (Adele)
RECORD OF THE YEAR: Rolling in the Deep (Adele)
Two unrelated but equally intriguing thoughts have been rattling in my brain over the Thanksgiving holiday. Oddly, it’s taken a fair bit of moving around the procrastinating in my schedule to find the time to formally write them down. While it’s true that the magnitude of my procrastination has reached epic proportions, I am yet to completely veg out and abandon all conscious thought.
Let’s start with the trivial—and like most trivial concepts, we’ll begin with the wide world of sports and entertainment. When Michael Vick, convicted superstar of the Eagles (convicted of taking part in the systematic fighting and execution of dogs, not specifically of being a superstar), was accepted to the Philadelphia team, he was met with a fair level of dissent. The rally cries were either “Torture Vick the same way he tortured helpless animals” or “Give Vick a Second Chance.”
Both of these statements were short-sighted and made hastily with no real sense of what the fuck Vick as a human being was (and certainly still is) capable of. It seems that when celebrities, athletes, or marginally talented famous people are convicted of a semi-serious criminal activity, they are treated with the most delicate sensitivity by the majority of Americans.
I’ll explain. So often do we hear the naïve battle cry of, “Celebrities get away with everything.” And, of course, this is true. The rich do enjoy a certain buffer zone within the laws many of us take for granted. A parking ticket or traffic violation that may take groceries out of our budget could quite easily be pennies and pocket fluff for someone else.
Automobile violations aside, how often does our celebrity culture jump to the defense of the rich and famous when they’re taken in for a crime that would land any “normal” American either behind bars, or up to their tits in court fees and bail costs?
Stop me if any of these sound familiar: FREE WEEZY, FREE WINONA, OJ’S INNOCENT, GIVE VICK A SECOND CHANCE!
The truth is that Vick has had several blown chances (not as many as McNabb though! ZING! No, I don’t give a shit) and his true nature is simply ignored and pushed aside in favor of him being a possible golden ticket to the Super Bowl.
Meanwhile, celebrities who’ve really done nothing wrong but be cocky, arrogant douchebags are vilified despite their undeniable talent. Just ask a bunch of Football fans what they think of Kanye West.
Changing gears on the conversation a little bit, I wanted to touch on an issue that’s already been covered at length. That issue is, of course, simple-minded, willfully ignorant, probably racist, redneck conservatives. Specifically, the notion their acceptance and/or denial of the necessity for proof.
As a self-proclaimed reasonable, rational, and often skeptical human being, as I may rightly or wrongly assume most of you are, I can honestly say that I do my best to seek out proof of stories and new bits of information before I accept or deny them. If no solid proof is available, I’ll generate a reasoned opinion based on the facts available depending on who they information is coming from. But, obviously, you know all of this already, because you, like me, live in the real world.
You and I live in a world that is almost certainly godless; a world where people are only as good as the content of their character; a world where judgment is only passed based on outside factors like racism, jealousy, bigotry, love, honor, or stupidity…not in the unseen and unknowable opinion of an obsolete bronze age deity.
Yet, to the faithful—that is, to the stubborn and myopic faithful—god, faith, stereotypes, and misplaced ideologies are the only things that seem to be accepted with no determinable evidence.
But where do they put their collective foot down when it comes to the “burden of proof” in the 21st century? Obama’s Birth Certificate, Global Warming, Evolution, Healthy Living, and whether or not it’s actually Michael Jackson’s voice on his first of inevitably too many posthumous albums.
I don’t mean to be alarmist, but I don’t think our species has long left.
I used to like music. Really. I tried to follow all of the newest up-and-coming bands, went to concerts regularly, attempted to stay on top of what music was getting popular. Now I don’t give a shit anymore…and here’s why.
There is a wonderful quote from Kanye West in which he proclaims himself the voice of the decade–perhaps the voice of a generation…or at least the loudest voice. Sadly, this may be true. West appears all over the Billboard charts in various songs–and while doing so–has simultaneously been responsible for some of the most memorable controversies in recent pop culture.
The independent music that I used to associate myself with fucking sucks now. It’s all electronic nonsense and experiemental bullshit. I hate the fact that we stopped progressing musically in this decade and just fucked off right back to the ’80s (the decade that destroyed music).
Let’s take a look at Billboard’s Top 25 pieces of shit that pass for music these days:
25. HOT N COLD–Katy Perry–Not a terrible song to start off the top 25, but if you’ve only heard one Katy Perry song in your life, it probably isn’t this one. She’s the one who kissed a girl and liked it, remember? Don’t worry kids. This video is just as easy to rub one out to.
24. HALO–Beyonce–This chart-topper has to be contested. There’s no way I will believe that at least 90% of the YouTube views for this song weren’t from gamers looking for cheats and walkthroughs.
23. MY LIFE WOULD SUCK WITHOUT YOU–Kelly Clarkson–Isn’t it amazing that the first ever winner of American Idol is still out and about, allowed to continue to make shitty music? Every other winner has mysteriously vanished over the years. I suspect foul play…
22. BEST I EVER HAD–Drake–For those of you who don’t know, Drake is Aubrey Graham, the actor who played Jimmy in TV’s Degrassi: The Next Generation. And he’s still breaking the hearts of pre-teens to this day…sigh…tits.
21. THE CLIMB–Miley Cyrus–A blonde wig transforms Miley Cyrus into unrecognizable pop star Hannah Montana in the hit film: Hannah Montana: The Movie. If you want to know more about the song after hearing that, you’re retarded. This song is so pop-irritating, it should feature quirky animated squirrels in 3D.
20. DOWN–Jay Sean (ft. Lil Wayne)–Is anybody else fucking tired of Lil Wayne? This mushmouth motherfucker appeared out of nowhere and he’s been ruining my life with catchy and irritating songs ever since.
19. KISS ME THRU THE PHONE–Soulja Boy Tell ‘Em (ft. Sammie)–I think Soulja Boy (Tell ‘Em) needs to disappear. All he does is bitch about his fame and fortune and beg for Twitter followers. Fuck ‘em.
18. LIVE YOUR LIFE–T.I. (ft. Rihanna)–I’m actually quite fond of Rihanna, and this song got me hooked. You can’t use the Numa Numa song in Hip Hop and not be iconic to nerds everywhere…especially if you appear topless on the internets…or have a rapper name the same as our science calculators.
17. I KNOW YOU WANT ME–Pitbull–Perhaps this song’s downfalls are twofold. On one hand, Pitbull is not “featuring” any other artist, which is frowned upon. Second, this song crosses Shaggy with Mambo Number 5 and I fucking hate it.
16. BLAME IT–Jamie Foxx (ft. T. Pain)–Jamie Foxx knows that you have to feature a more innovative artist to get on the charts and that’s exactly what he did. Thanks to T. Pain, we have the miracle of using auto-tune for musical effect. Before he came along, we were just using it so sluts could hold a tune.
15. KNOCK YOU DOWN–Keri Hilson (ft. Kanye West & Ne-Yo)–You have to really try to hate Kanye West. He gives you so many reasons, yet you let his music get the best of you. It’s like water-boarding.
14. USE SOMEBODY–Kings of Leon–Kings of Leon got popular earlier on this decade, but nobody knew who the fuck they were until this year. You pay a price when you become famous though–you start to suck. Especially because they’re now about 4 albums deep.
13. YOU FOUND ME–The Fray–There’s still some rock on the Billboard Charts, believe it or not…but it’s all crap-rock. You may like the Fray, but you may also be a fag.
12. DEAD AND GONE–T.I. (ft. Justin Timberlake)–Remember when you had to be either a chick or a gaylord to like Justin Timberlake? Now you can be a smooth-rappin’ convict and be his BFF.
11. YOU BELONG WITH ME–Taylor Swift–You know, oddly enough, I actually don’t mind Taylo–sorry, sorry, I’ll finish later…I just wanted to let everyone know that Beyonce had the greatest video of all time.
10. GIVES YOU HELL–The All-American Rejects–Remember the dark days when you actually listened to The All-American Rejects? You won’t admit it, but you haven’t changed a fucking bit.
9. HEARTLESS–Kanye West–I actually didn’t know that Kanye West was a solo performer. I thought he only appeared on other artists’ albums. We all learned something today.
8. SINGLE LADIES (PUT A RING ON IT)–Beyonce–When you’re married to Jay-Z, you can have whatever you want…as long as you “put a ring on it.” And by “a ring,” I mean: “your lips”…and by “it,” I mean: “his cock.”
7. I’M YOURS–Jason Mraz–The geek in the pink is back. Somehow I thought this song came out before 2009, but then I remembered that all Jason Mraz’s songs sound the same.
6. RIGHT ROUND–Flo Rida–If you’re going to cover a 1985 Dead or Alive song, you have to emphasize that you’re singing about oral sex…and then top it off with a reassuring, “No Homo.”
5. LOVE STORY–Taylor Swift–I don’t get the Taylor Swift phenomenon, honestly. She’s eye candy with a sweet voice, but…oh, right.
4. I GOTTA FEELING–The Black Eyed Peas–This song depresses the shit out of me. I don’t know why, but I gotta feeling it’s because it reminds me that somewhere out there, someone is listening to this song at a killer party, and I’m stuck in a shithole apartment playing Earthworm Jim.
3. JUST DANCE–Lady Gaga (ft. Colby O’Donis)–It’s important for an unknown artist to enlist the help of another unknown artist for emotional support. Old videos of “Lady Gaga” lead me to believe that somewhere in that gruff exterior is the voice of an angel–and possibly a penis.
2. POKER FACE–Lady Gaga–This year, audio technicians (for some reason) decided to compile the most unpleasant and aggrovating noises into a collaboration they dubbed “The Most Annoying Song Ever.” I would rather listen to that on repeat for the rest of my life than hear Poker Face one more time.
1. BOOM BOOM POW–The Black Eyed Peas–Somehow I managed to avoid this song all year. I never even heard it until just recently, and I’m pretty glad. The Black Eyed Peas are hit or miss for me, and this song would only be tolerable if there were a chick grinding against you and the bass was so loud that you didn’t give a shit.
Thanks, 2009. You really destroyed every interest I had in ever listening to music again. You gave me a bunch of new bands to listen to, a bunch of new music by bands I like, and another year of shit to play non-stop on every radio station in every city.
Although, when you put ‘em all together, it’s not that bad at all…
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As long as it’s a hot topic, let’s discuss the actions of Kanye West during the MTV VMA’s, shall we? First of all–the actions took place at an award ceremony so ridiculous and unimportant–a locale so prone to spectacle–that its entire title is an acronym. Even in its name, it is screaming, “This is an entertainment show…it is not–we repeat NOT–a legitimate award ceremony.” It’s like the motherfucking Teen Choice Awards, people…grow the fuck up.
Another person who needs to grow the fuck up is Kanye West (see, I’m on your side, too).
There is a serious disconnect between his talent and his ego, and that needs to find its way into Check Mate as soon as humanly possible. Jay-Z describes West as a “genius.” Fact. I would disagree with Mr. Z, respectfully. Kanye West is not a genius. He’s an artist and a talented musician, no doubt. However, genius describes a certain knowingness and a level of unprecedented brilliance that comes along every once in a blue moon.
Let’s take The Beatles for example. As musicians, would you consider them to be “genius?” That’s a real question. Feel free to comment…because I don’t know. I would consider them the best band in musical history…but are they more “genius” than Beethoven? Mozart?
If Kanye West is “genius,” where does that leave Jay-Z? He would never say that West is better than he is…so what does that make Hova? Is Jay-Z some kind of god-man?
I’m getting off topic…excuse me. Let’s look at a random Facebook comment:
“kaynes a racist mother fucker who deserves to get shot”
Really? At what point between, “George Bush doesn’t care about Black People,” and, “I’m really happy for you…but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” do we say: That’s it Kanye…someone should shoot you down.…???!?!?!
First off, nobody should get shot; no matter if you’re a merely loud-mouth rapper or a Neo-Nazi fuckhead…nobody should be gunned down. Ever.
I’m sure that this individual on Facebook wasn’t thinking with a clear head, but anyone who actually thinks this should probably stay indoors for their entire life.
(Rewind) Taylor Swift is a talented young artist and she deserved her moment in the sun…and Kanye West “ruined” that. Beyonce (wife of Kanye West’s BFF Jay-Z) had the decency to give Taylor Swift her moment back. But did Kanye’s actions really hurt Taylor Swift? Undoubtedly, she’s received more recognition NOW than EVER!
My fucking MOM probably never heard of Taylor Swift…and now her news channels are buzzing her name all day. Are you happy now, America? Now EVERYONE knows who Taylor Swift is!
Does Taylor Swift have more talent and potential than Beyonce? Of course not…but that doesn’t mean she should be denied her spotlight.
It wasn’t even for fucking BEST SONG…it was for BEST VIDEO! Should fucking any fucking artist be recognized for their music video?! FUCK NO!
The music video is solely the vision of the people who MADE that video.
America…MTV…it’s time to chillax (white people are the only people who use that term anymore anyways). Kanye, you’re never going to gain anything by pulling this shit. And the next time your publicist tells you to apologize, say “no.” That way, only the people who actually like you will continue to pay attention.
In conclusion, America, we have so much shit on our plate right now. This is a distraction–to say the least–from real issues and real problems. I’m not going to tell you what to think. I want YOU to tell ME how you feel. But to sum it up, for me, I’d be fine laughing at Kanye’s antics while appreciating his music.
Music is one of the strongest things humanity has going for it. It’s bigger than politics; bigger than religion. Music will always be around; and if you throw out Kanye West, there’s a fucking billion other up-and-coming young artists to take his place…your college room-mate is just too fucking lazy to be famous. Isn’t writing easier when you just polished off a bottle of Brandy?
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1. While walking in the mall parking lot pull down your pants and moon your partner…but make sure there isn’t an elderly person behind you so they don’t have a heart attack. Or maybe you could have a threesome with them! That’s if you like being gummed.
2. Surprise your partner with a threesome when he is home alone playing XBOX and you are out dancing and getting wild. Come home with a girl and tell him you have a surprise for him…but be sure he stops playing XBOX!
3. Does your house need some painting done; especially in your bedroom? Nothing like the two of you painting and getting paint all over you. Get sweaty when your partner is on all fours, pull down their pants and start pleasuring them. Focus especially on the asshole! hehe
4. Like to play music instruments? How about playing the skin flute? Give your partner the best Humming session of his life. Be sure he wears just a bow tie so you can act like you are part of a symphony.
5. Have your partner wear your panties while you fuck him. Then of course you have to let him shoot his hot load of cum in your panties…then he has to wear your panties on his head!
6. Cell phone texts are fun, too. Use a video camera on your cell phone and do a naughty strip tease for your partner–especially if you really want this person–because they will then be your partner for life! One more thing: make sure you send it to the right person and not your pastor or your parents!
7. If your partner works from home, spice up their day by flashing them–or even better, if they are on a conference, call be sure to pleasure them orally!
8. When you are in bed, tell your partner you want a threesome…and from under the covers pop out a sock puppet you made!
9. Role Playing is fun, too! You can act like Kanye West and totally take over your partner and dominate them!
10. My favorite: shoot amateur porn with your partner and send it too Homegrown Video.
I have to admit to you all I have done all ten. Guess you can say my sex life is never boring!
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