Tag Archives: jesus

Battlefield: South Park

Well, it’s official, kids. The terrorists have won. They won in Denmark, they won in England, and now they’ve won in America. It’s a shame, really. So many of our country’s young men and women have sacrificed their lives to defend our “freedom.” They died for nothing.

Perhaps I sound rather nonchalant about this whole ordeal, but I’m not. I’m furious–and you should be, too.

Remember Muhammad?

When Kurt Westergaard released his infamous political sketch of Muhammad with a turban bomb, the world flinched under the mighty hand of Muslims with hurt feelings. He was–and continues to be–relentlessly threatened. Westergaard is under protection, but what was the result of these threats?

Censorship and fear.

The Western world stands up to radical Islamists and Muslim bullies with the structural integrity of a warm stick of butter. This past week, South Park aired the follow-up to its 200th episode.

Must these men fight for your freedom alone?

The two-part episode featured old characters, concepts, and story lines that true fans of the show will remember from way back. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the show’s creators, were not-so-subtly commenting on the creative freedom that they have. Nothing is sacred or off-limits in South Park and the celebrities were fighting back.

The controversy appears when Tom Cruise and the ginger kids fight over the right to use Muhammad’s power to protect themselves from mockery–you see, Muhammad is the only public figure who seems to be impervious to criticism because his image is so strictly protected by violent, psychopathic, delusional modern-day cavemen.

...his powers aren't limited to underage sex.

And that’s what went wrong. South Park‘s latest episode (simply titled “201″) was hijacked and over-censored due to a series of death threats Comedy Central and Viacom have received. Out of concern for their safety, and the safety of the show’s staff, they heavily edited the episode to the point that it made very little sense and ended with a minute-or-so of straight censored monologue.

Whether you’re a fan of South Park or not is irrelevant at this point. We, as a free and bright culture, must overcome this cultural disease of Islam. The longer progressive society cowers in the shadow of an invisible enemy, the longer it will take to advance.

One of the goals of Islam is to conquer or destroy the infidels (us). Slowly we step back and allow this to fucking happen.

There is a war going on–and reason is losing.

We all support you guys.

Too many Americans are so balls-deep in their conspiracy theory bullshit and imaginary scenarios that they fail to notice the reality that will eventually catch them with their pants down like a Papal entourage.

We need to bring our foreign troops home–yes; but while they fight the war abroad, we should be fighting the war on our own soil. We’ve become a jaded culture, taking our rights and freedoms for granted and not noticing the corrosion below the surface.

If we sit back and do nothing in the face of this virus, we will lose the true foundation of our freedom of speech forever. And when that happens, a couple of demolished buildings in New York City will appear as a fading blemish on the decaying remains of the Western World.

Alex G/

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God Exists and He’s American

At long last, this country has won a battle in its war for God. We’ve been heading down the path of evil for so long, it’s about time we got back on Jesus’s good side (for those of you who don’t know, Jesus and God are the same person, except when they’re having a conversation).

America’s been so crippled by its Liberal policies, and public school teachers training our children to be Atheist fags, that we’ve lost sight of the wishes of the true founder of this great nation: God.

I want my God locked and loaded!

Someone in the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals in San Francisco (of all places!) must have been touched by Jesus. They have ruled that the phrase “Under God” in the Pledge of Allegiance is not “prayer in school”…it’s PATRIOTISM in school.

If you're a woman, it's even more patriotic to cup your tit as you say the Pledge.

That’s fucking right! God isn’t “religion,” it’s “being patriotic.” In a separate–but equal–ruling, the phrase “In God We Trust” was also declared a patriotic motto and not in violation of the separation of church and state.

Now, I love my country–and I’d personally perform fellatio on every single founding father–but I think they made a huge mistake in their “separation of church and state” policy. How can you run a government without Jesus Christ? It’s impossible–and that’s why those ‘A-Rabs’ are struggling with the democracy that we tried to give them. You’re welcome, btw!

Judge Carlos Bea of the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals (Spanish…probably took that job away from a qualified white judge, but at least he was appointed by the great George W. Bush) ruled that the Pledge is reflective of the beliefs of the founding fathers and their belief that our rights were given to us by God, not man.

Pray the gay away.

True, the founding fathers had nothing to do with the Pledge of Allegiance and were all long dead before it was even written (written by a Baptist minister as: “I pledge allegiance to my flag and the republic for which it stands: one nation indivisible with liberty and justice for all.”)…but who gives a shit? This is America! We make up our own history!

The Pledge was modified several times to get to the point it’s at today. The phrase “under god” wasn’t even added until the 1950′s as a weapon against Communism and Godlessness.

I mean, c’mon! Even the Declaration of Indepedence says that we are “…endowed by (our) Creator…” And I, for one, was very well endowed by my Creator…no homo.

Face it, liberal atheists–this is God’s Country–the greatest country ever put upon Earth. Love it or leave it. One nation, Under God.

AlexG/Soldier in Christ’s Army

(P.S.–Don’t send me angry e-mails or comments. If you actually think that I believe any of this bullshit, you probably shouldn’t have access to a computer)

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The Atheist Billboard Crusade

In Lakeland Florida, Atheists posted a billboard saying “Don’t Believe in God? You are not alone,” in an attempt to gain new members. As always Christians were pissed off (not inquisition pissed off or crusades pissed off, but pissed off nonetheless) and planned to crash the atheist’s forum in a local public library. The atheists actually invited the christians to attend the forum (Hey weren’t the christians always the ones who bragged about acceptance? Something is afoot here). Personally I wouldn’t invite them at all and just spent the time staying at home putting baking soda into bottles of vinegar for 4 hours. Same effect, less psychobable.

But hey, I applaud any civilized debate from any side. Even if in this case it’s as useless as catching a live grenade in your mouth and spitting it back at the other guy. I haven’t witnessed that metaphor happen yet but I’m sure someone reading this will be dumb enough to try it. If you do, be sure to make a video and send it to your friends at superdps@gmail.com! Well, have your buddy make it I mean, You’ll be all sorts of blowed up.

So compassionate and understanding.

So the Christians and the atheists debated and Dr. Byron George , a local pastor had this to say, ” There are people who think God does not exist, this is just unbelievable to me.” You hit the nail right on the head Pastor. Who wouldn’t believe that an angry father figure created two people, then kicked them out because they wanted a snack, made a guy bring on the deaths of newborn male children, locusts, and sickness to prove a point (you’ll never look at a bible salesman the same way that’s for sure!), put a guy through losing his family, blindness, loss of crops for the sake of a dick measuring contest ( God and Satan didn’t actually have a dick measuring contest in the bible, but I’m sure Al Pacino did in the Devil’s Advocate.. it’s gotta be a deleted scene or something), picked a guy to build a giant boat and fill it with animals and their poo because he wanted to wipe everyone out that annoyed him with a flood (he then told him he’d never do that again, he promised. It’s cool)

–Oh yeah and he sent his son who did some really cool party tricks to get nailed onto planks of wood and stabbed as a token of his appreciation for us. I must be out of my fucking mind to even question that. I’ll let Kirk Cameron date my sister.

Getting to the real issue, is it wrong if another religious (or lack thereof) group decides to put up a billboard with their message? Why should Christians be the only ones to have short witty slogan based conversations with lonely truck drivers at night? I’ve seen plenty of Christian billboards in PA, not one Atheist billboard. No Muslim billboard. No Judaism billboard (maybe there was but I was going really fast).

FACT: Democrats caused 9/11

FACT: Democrats caused 9/11

So if you see someone erecting (*snicker*) a christian billboard, chances are they’re not going to get the backlash that the atheist billboard will. They tried putting one in Cincinatti but it was taken down due to people calling in death threats. If I call in a death threat towards a christian billboard, I’ll be arrested, and that billboard will still stand. Until the Malt Liquor gods take over (colt 45 bitches!)–I think I’ve seen more colt 45 billboards than jesus boards. I’m not encouraging any religion to start taking over billboards. I just think that if that’s the way you want it play, then play fair and share with others. There’s more roadways than we even need (affordable healthcare? who needs that?!), everyone can have a slice of that asphalt pie (that sounded wrong).

In my opinion I disagree with any religious (or lack thereof) group who uses a billboard to shove their agendas down people’s throats. If you do believe in a religion or do not believe in a religion, that’s fine. You don’t need to walk around downtown wearing a light up shirt that says Catholic. You shouldn’t stick a giant sign in front of my view of the skyline to announce it either. I also don’t agree with atheists recruiting more members. In fact, I look at atheism as a lifestyle not so much as a religion. Why have meetings? I hate meetings. Work meeting, school meeting, religious meeting. They’re all the same except an atheist meeting will be the shortest.

Bob do you believe in that? No? Pete? No? OK meeting adjourned. See you next week when we’ll talk about not believing in that same thing we didn’t believe in last week!

...someone has to.

I don’t have a faith and believe in living my life how I perceive I should. I don’t go around announcing it (well this article certainly fucked that up!) unless asked because I believe talking about religion or politics is rude and brings nothing but prejudice and insults from both sides. Unless I know that person well and we’re able to have an intellectual conversation about it. I think sticking any sign in front of someone’s face to promote a belief is basically telling someone that they’re wrong for thinking a certain way.

In Conclusion, Christians: Calm the hell down. Atheists: We don’t need to recruit people, there’s common sense for that. Unfortunately it’s hard to find. AND STAY OFF THE ROAD! BOTH OF YOU!

Joe_G

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Why I Hate Canada and Want to Go Home!

alexbwRecently, I took a trip to Canada (of all fucking places); Ottawa to be specific. Naturally, I had no idea what was actually in Ottawa except for a few examples of gorgeous Gothic architecture that I could see any time I want in America through something called Google. So why does anyone travel anywhere? What the fuck do I want with awe-inspiring architecture?!

What am I gonna do with this shit?!

What am I gonna do with this shit?!

As soon as I arrived in Ottawa, my nasal passages were overcome by a sensation that practically floored me. The air was actually refreshing! Canada, if I want to be refreshed, I’ll buy a $3 bottle of Spring Water. I don’t need your fucking charity. It’s almost as if the entire pompous city is patronizing me; pointing and laughing as I struggle to breathe in this purified oxygen.

The first thing I did when I entered the Canadian Hellscape was grab some fast food at a Wendy’s rest stop. I couldn’t wait to absorb the dirty looks from the underpaid cashiers as I flaunted my American Money like Scrooge McFuck. But no. Nothing works in Canada the way it’s supposed to. The Wendy’s cashiers are all pleasant young women and they actually talk to you like they give a shit. Where the fuck am I?!

What have I gotten myself into?

What have I gotten myself into?

This trip has already gone south and I only just stepped out of the car.

Alright, so I’ve seen all the giant buildings and shit, and then I start thinking…where are all the cell phone stores and check cashing places? Where can I trade my gold in for cash? On first glance there was nothing around but monuments and memorials. I didn’t even know Canada had fought in any wars!

I can do this at home...

I can do this at home...

So after wandering aimlessly around my prison-like hotel room with king-size bed, giant bathtub and flat screen tv (what good is a huge TV if it only plays Canadian television shows?!), I realized that I needed to exchange my good old American currency for some queer technicolor Canada cash.

Sexually ambiguous military men cross multiple cultures.

Sexually ambiguous military men cross multiple cultures.

What the fuck is a looney? A tooney? Who came up with this concept? You know how much fun it is to have spare change in your pocket? Well, let’s make you carry bigger and bulkier change to replace your practical $1 Bill…and the $2 coin?! We got rid of $2 Bills years ago. Get with the program, Canada!

If my money is worth more, what the fuck am I doing with all these coins?!

If my money is worth more, what the fuck am I doing with all these coins?!

After trying to figure out what great American heroes were trying to be portrayed in these Canadian memorial statues, I came to the disparaging conclusion that I wasn’t getting anywhere. I needed to have a drink; so I popped woefully into the shittiest-looking bar I could find. Perhaps in a local dive, I could acquire some of American bar hospitality. All I wanted to do was witness someone quickly jolt into a blind rage or an elderly gentlemen sipping his sorrows away until his inevitable grim death.

“Have a beer, eh!”

“Where’re you guys from then?”

What the fuck is that all aboot? I don’t come to a bar to be chatted up by pleasant, interesting people. It’s a bar, goddammit!

So I needed a cigarette; but where to find them? No cigarette ads, no flashing signs encouraging myself and mature-spirited children to come on in and puff away.

In Canadian culture, naked incestuous dancing is a time honored tradition.

In Canadian culture, naked incestuous dancing is a time honored tradition.

Finally, I find a shop selling cigarettes, which I can hardly afford…almost $10 a pack?! Shame on you, Canada. Poor people need to be able to kill themselves quickly. Making it so that only happy rich people can afford cigarettes is torture. And the tobacco industry is no doubt suffering. Canada, embrace your Cigarette Industry!

Its like drinking a bottle of water that says SOMETIMES PEOPLE DROWN

It's like drinking a bottle of water that says "SOMETIMES PEOPLE DROWN"

And lastly, when on vacation, you hope to get away from your government. Everything in America is Obama, Obama, Obama. Can I just escape from the blinding glory of Chocolate Jesus for a week??

I’m ready to embrace a new government…whatever government Canada has (I suspect none).

And all I see in Ottawa is “OBAMA CAME HERE!” They’re much more excited by our politics than their own and Obama has become bigger than Brad Pitt. I was compelled to buy an Obama cookie, but what would that do to aid our economy? Dick.

The cookies were a chocolate/vanilla swirl. Appropriate.

The cookies were a chocolate/vanilla swirl. Appropriate.

And in a nutshell, that was my trip to Canada. Luckily I got out of that hellhole when I did. Imagine being trapped there forever…the horrors of socialized medicine…the pristine air and weather…the brazen friendliness of everyone you meet? Get me the fuck out of here.

Alex G/

(for more information on Canada, visit your local Library. Oh, it’s closed?…uh…well, it wasn’t really important anyway)

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Hovind For the Holidays

AlexFor those of you who don’t know who Kent Hovind is, consider yourselves lucky. Hovind says he was a high school science teacher for fifteen years; however, he doesn’t say that he was undoubtedly a fucking terrible one. You see, Mr. Hovind was (and still is, I’d imagine) an Evangelical preacher and Creationist lunatic.

For years he’s produced asinine videos in which he would claim that the Earth is six-thousand years old and was created in six days by a trans-dimensional magician called God. He also developed a Creation Theme Park in Pensacola, Florida called: Dinosaur Adventure Land. So, it’s not libelous to call him a fucking nutcase.

Now, I won’t call the “God Argument” into question because that’s not what this article is about. While I can be pretty much certain that no such invisible space man exists, there may be plenty of you who are pretty much certain that he/she/it does and I’ll leave you to your (hopefully temporary) faith.

Anywho

Kent Hovind’s firm grasp on fucktarded bumbling naive idiocy didn’t happen to save him from Tax Fraud–for which he is now serving prison time. But perhaps we will be seeing him again in August of 2015 when he is scheduled for release. And, if we’re lucky, his fucktarded bumbling naive idiot wife and family as well! :)

That being said, his family, namely his son Eric, is taking over where he left off. In Hovind’s random, staggering footsteps, Eric Hovind has been up to his father’s old tricks!

No, not tax evasion (although probably that, too!)…but Creationist nonsense!

Adding to this is another (unrelated to Hovind) infamous YouTube celebrity, VenomFangX…and his cavalry of uneducated redneck supporters who almost have to be fucking high.

VenomFangX (or Shawn [sp?]) has become an Internet phenomenon. Not only for his long, drawn out, pseudo scientific videos on YouTube, but also his new website (in the video linked here, VenomFangX shows himself to be a tremendous douche)!!!

Now I may seem like a jealous cunt at the moment. His new website just recently launched and already has more members and views than every article we’ve ever written…HOWEVER…I can take pride in the fact that I almost certainly receive much less hate mail. Though that might not necessarily be as satisfying as it probably should be.

VenomFangX is extremely easy to hate–don’t get me wrong–but he’s also fairly well-spoken and (dare I say) intelligent(?). Aside from his ridiculous notion that he has somehow aquired the answers to Life, the Universe, and Everything from the Bible, which could arguably be the most useless piece of literature ever…he seems to be fairly savvy and quick-witted (fuck that was a long sentence).

This isn’t necessarily a good thing, keeping in mind that most of his quick wit and intellect is used to make nonsensical statements and contradictions that can only be accurately described as “Fruit Fucking Loopy“.

I titled this article Hovind for the Holidays specifically because I was delighted when I logged on to YouTube today to find this new information. It’s nice to know that after the long, wonderful holiday and our groundbreaking and eventful transition into 2009, there are still individuals who are, on a constant and daily basis, stricken retarded by the psychotic, delusional and jaw-droppingly dull voices in their Epically empty heads.

Happy New Year!!

>SSSD(AG)<

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Merry Christmas!!

AlexAs I’m sure you’re all aware, Christmas has come and gone. Even if you don’t celebrate Christmas…there was a Thursday that you should have been conspicuously off from work…and all the stores were closed…and everyone was having fun, accept for you.

I’m kidding, of course…but Christmas did treat me well, as I hope it did all of you. I feel bad though, as I had forgotten to buy a present for the baby Jesus on his birthday. My only consolation is that a present from me would not be worth more than the gift of two-thousand-eight more years of people believing in that nonsense.

On Christmas, Dave, Janine, and I stayed up pretty late playing Guitar Hero World Tour. I love it.

My Christmas presents consisted of a few games and various odds and ends (including a new printer/scanner/copier that I desperately needed). I’m thankful for all of it, of course.

I bought a new desk yesterday, which you should be seeing soon. Spent many back-breaking hours trying to figure out the IKEA instructions until I realized that I was missing about five fucking pieces, and the desk actually came in two fucking boxes. Our return-trip to IKEA only took another fucking hour out of our day.

…sigh…

But anyway; today I hope to enjoy some nice relaxing hours of doing fuck-all as I enjoy the aftermath of my lovely Christmas.

…maybe I’ll try to watch Sukiyaki Western Django again…since I tried to watch it at 12am and couldn’t keep my eyes open.

…unlikely.

-stay classy (AG)

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