Well, it’s official, kids. The terrorists have won. They won in Denmark, they won in England, and now they’ve won in America. It’s a shame, really. So many of our country’s young men and women have sacrificed their lives to defend our “freedom.” They died for nothing.
Perhaps I sound rather nonchalant about this whole ordeal, but I’m not. I’m furious–and you should be, too.
Remember Muhammad?
When Kurt Westergaard released his infamous political sketch of Muhammad with a turban bomb, the world flinched under the mighty hand of Muslims with hurt feelings. He was–and continues to be–relentlessly threatened. Westergaard is under protection, but what was the result of these threats?
The Western world stands up to radical Islamists and Muslim bullies with the structural integrity of a warm stick of butter. This past week, South Park aired the follow-up to its 200th episode.
Must these men fight for your freedom alone?
The two-part episode featured old characters, concepts, and story lines that true fans of the show will remember from way back. Trey Parker and Matt Stone, the show’s creators, were not-so-subtly commenting on the creative freedom that they have. Nothing is sacred or off-limits in South Park and the celebrities were fighting back.
The controversy appears when Tom Cruise and the ginger kids fight over the right to use Muhammad’s power to protect themselves from mockery–you see, Muhammad is the only public figure who seems to be impervious to criticism because his image is so strictly protected by violent, psychopathic, delusional modern-day cavemen.
...his powers aren't limited to underage sex.
And that’s what went wrong. South Park‘s latest episode (simply titled “201″) was hijacked and over-censored due to a series of death threats Comedy Central and Viacom have received. Out of concern for their safety, and the safety of the show’s staff, they heavily edited the episode to the point that it made very little sense and ended with a minute-or-so of straight censored monologue.
Whether you’re a fan of South Parkor not is irrelevant at this point. We, as a free and bright culture, must overcome this cultural disease of Islam. The longer progressive society cowers in the shadow of an invisible enemy, the longer it will take to advance.
One of the goals of Islam is to conquer or destroy the infidels (us). Slowly we step back and allow this to fucking happen.
Too many Americans are so balls-deep in their conspiracy theory bullshit and imaginary scenarios that they fail to notice the reality that will eventually catch them with their pants down like a Papal entourage.
We need to bring our foreign troops home–yes; but while they fight the war abroad, we should be fighting the war on our own soil. We’ve become a jaded culture, taking our rights and freedoms for granted and not noticing the corrosion below the surface.
If we sit back and do nothing in the face of this virus, we will lose the true foundation of our freedom of speech forever. And when that happens, a couple of demolished buildings in New York City will appear as a fading blemish on the decaying remains of the Western World.
As we are all no doubt aware, society–more specifically, modern western progressive society–has become more concerned with freedom from religion than freedom of religion. Every religious group believes in essentially the same bullshit, but where they differ from the sects of their neighbors, they define themselves as wholly separate entities.
Throughout history, the frightened and bewildered have distanced themselves from religious “crazies” by establishing their own backwards faiths, and that’s why we have so goddamn many.
Let's be honest, if you're religious, they're just as RIGHT as you are.
More and more people identify themselves as “Spiritual, but not Religious,” a frustrating notion that begs the question: Why not just do away with religion altogether?
Surely if you disregard the religious notions that have existed for thousands of years, a spirituality that you just pull out of your ass would have even less validity; not more, simply because you feel it inside you (ew).
There is only one way to clearly differentiate between the significant and insignificant–and that’s by taking a closer look at those nutty little nightmares we call “Religions.” We won’t do them all, but we’ll do a hell-of-a-lot…
Anabaptists
Adventism–William Miller was a miserable old cunt who got off on discussing non-issues. Are we really awake when we sleep? When is Jesus coming back? Is the punishment for sins eternal torment or simple annihilation? *Raises hand* Ummm…who gives a shit?
AlternativeJudaism–This is what Jews practice when they’re feeling angsty and start listening to a load of Good Charlotte. It’s not really Judaism in the same way that believing in “some of the shit in the Bible” isn’t really a religion at all. It’s either the timeless words of an Almighty God or it’s not, people. Fucking choose.
Anabaptists–You little fuckers talk about the religious right and the radical Muslims and how they’re fuckin out-there, but there’s nobody more radical than Anabaptists (Amish & Mennonites). At least suicide bombers watch fuckin TV.
Anglicanism–While The Church of England tries desperately to play with the big boys, it’s clear that everyone stopped giving a shit a long time ago. I guess England never forgave Henry VIII. Now we’re stuck with Protestants.
Animism–This could either be a polytheistic, spirits-in-everything-we-see sort of religion, or it has something to do with those freaks who do it with mascot-costumes on.
Wesboro Baptist Church
Babism–Once upon a time, back in the 1800′s, a guy claimed to be the chosen one and he was executed. Sound familiar? Yeah…don’t step on people’s toes–especially within Islam.
Baha’i–This is about the closest you’ll get to religious harmony. This one’s all about unification of religious people, as long as you buy into their practices, don’t ask questions, and surrender yourself to God’s will.
Baptists–Modern Baptists consider their religion to date back to Jesus Christ and John the Baptist; however, in reality, it only dates back about 400 years and is now linked more closely to old black women singing and fanning themselves.
Buddhism–There are so many schools of Buddhism and I can’t be bothered to talk about them all, so let’s just do an overview and get it over with. Buddhism is an ancient spiritual discovery of the self. Its long intricate and divided history has given us such modern day luxuries like: Eastern War and Slavery, Stoners, Lazy People, rubbing fat people’s tummies for good luck, and the Swastika. Hooray!
Cargo Cults–This merry band of ignorant bastards succeeds as more of a tribal culture. They’re so convinced that the wealth of the outside world was “really meant for them,” that they attempt to acquire wealth and goods through all kinds of batshit magical ways.
Christadelphians–Not a very significant sect, but they do exist–I assure you. John Thomas went batshit crazy and started writing about how he’d tapped into some first century belief system. Then, he came to America–and that’s why there are 6,500 Christadelphians in the US today. Success.
Christian Science–It’s never a good sign when you set up a faith-based Science and Health program with the delusion that truth and good are material things and evil and error are fantasy.
Confucianism–Not so much a religion as a philosophic approach to living your life, but it’s close enough. They believe that coercive laws can be damaging–when people feel they’re being forced to adhere–so they try to provide a moral codes of virtue that you can repeat when you’re out with a chick to sound enlightened.
Deism–Those who technically have “no religion” but still choose to believe in a magical sky-king are called Deists. Creationists tend to use arguments about some of the most brilliant people in history being “Deists.” But they’re wrong. And when they’re not wrong, they’re still wrong.
Evangelicalism–We hear a lot about Evangelicals these days, and that’s due to the fact that they are the loudest voice. When your religion is based on personal conversion; being “re-born,” you tend to have a lot of cocky fuckers on your hands, just aching to heal a world that was never sick to begin with.
Gnosticism–While not quite a sect of Christianity, Gnostics believe in a set of Holy Books not included in the traditional Bible. They feel that they’re gaining some ancient super-knowledge from these books, but are, in reality, simply wasting their time just as much as everyone else.
Hellenistic
Hellenistic–I don’t think anyone actually still practices these Greek/Roman god religions, but wouldn’t it be fun if they did?
Hinduism–There’s probably a lot to know about Hinduism and their multi-colored gods…but if you’ve encountered those Hare Krishna people, you probably got all the information you need.
Jainism–An Indian religion whose symbol has become a symbol of hate thanks to the Western world. The Jain Dharma path is supposed to be one of non-violence toward all living things…Many jealous Hindus now consider it a “sect of Hinduism,” but they just want the street cred.
Jediism–That’s right. Star Wars. I can only imagine the development of this religion going like this: “You know how all those ancient texts are just bullshit written by some dude thousands of years ago? Well, what would you say if I told you that the real answers lie in the immortal work of Mr. George Lucas?”
Jehovah’s Witness–They might seem like a relatively harmless group of people, but these nutty restorationists are fucking dangerous. They teach their students that we’re living in the “End Times,” adhere to a weird, masochistically conservative interpretation of the Bible, and bother you at home.
Jews for Jesus–When Jews get sick of being Jewish (because it’s a huge fucking drag) and they want to celebrate Christmas and Easter and the fun holidays, they don’t waste any time. “Eh, maybe Jesus wasn’t so bad after all.”
Kalam–This branch of Islam focuses mainly on the understanding of the “word of Allah.” This, combined with a natural human reasoning and intelligence will offer you salvation. Unless, of course, you reason that you don’t need Kalam to be happy.
Karaite Judaism–These followers are essentially the Jewish equivalent of the phrase, “Who gives a shit?” They believe in all that Jewie mumbo-jumbo but reject the sacred “Oral Law” or Rabbinic Jews. They’re all about their own personal interpretations of scripture and as long as you’re down with the Old Testament, you’re good to go.
Kharijites–There are many more Muslim sects than just Shiites and Sunnis, and–yes–they do get crazier. These people have traded the mortal life for a life with God, but you’ve never heard of them, so who gives a Shiite?
Magick
Louisiana Voodoo–Make no mistake, this is not Haitian Vodou. It’s a tourist attraction religion that provides a pin-cushion doll for your “cool” Uncle to bring back from his vacation. If I weren’t an Atheist, I’d probably say God clearly has a serious problem with Voodoo after what he did to both New Orleans and Haiti.
Lutheranism–Considered the father of modern protestantism, Martin Luther gave the Catholic Church the big “fuck you,” posting 95 grievances for all to see (pre-Facebook). It was all fun and games until protestants started to put religious bans on…fun and games.
Magick–The evil occultist band Lovin’ Spoonful once asked, “Do you believe in magic?” The answer is, of course, no…BUT those who practice it think differently. Officially, “Magick” can only be used to change or interfere with something that (in the natural world) is capable of changing…such as: who shows affection towards you, or having a good day. People who buy into all this magick crap are relatively harmless–unless you get into a conversation with one.
Methodism–It seems that the only prerequisite for starting your own religion is to be loud about it. Methodists were notorious for “open-air” preaching and pissing everyone off. Luckily for us, they came to America, gathered a loud following, and got Prohibition laws put in place so everyone could have a little less fun.
Mormonism–Joseph Smith’s Mormonism isn’t necessarily the same Mormonism that exists today. The Latter-day Saints movement splits into various sects, but let’s pretend that it’s all Joe Smith Mormonism for the sake of argument. A notorious liar and racist, Smith developed a faith out of fear, hate, and complete badger-fucking-craziness.
Nation of Islam
Nation of Islam–If you thought real Muslims were scary, wait ’til you holla at the N.O.I. This is the Farrakhan, Malcolm X, take-no-bullshit, fake-Islam Islam and if you thought that thugged-out gangsta motherfuckers were scary, wait til you see a horde of black guys in black bow ties outside your door.
Native American Mythology–Usually, we reserve the term “mythology” until most of the world has come to accept the belief as silly and antiquated, like Greek and Roman gods. But since there are hardly any real Native Americans left, it’s probably okay to just refer to all of their strongly held convictions as “retarded.”
Orthodox Church–Essentially, this is the big league for Catholicism. This was “officially” the church that Jesus established through his Apostles and passed it down from generation to generation. Roman Catholicism is for pussies.
Rabbinic Judaism–Jews are easy (thought I was going to say “cheap?” Racist). If you don’t understand their traditions, rules, and rituals, then you probably haven’t read the Bible. It’s essentially all there, black and white, in any language you choose–even the weird stuff. Yeah, you think you’re following the word of god, Christians? How’s that bacon taste, heathens?!
Raelism–This is an organized group of individuals who live in a childish fantasy world where an alien race called Elohim (God) created all life. So it’s like Creationism, but with no friends. Once tried to bring about world peace with an orgy, creating the world’s largest orgasm, but they were stopped. Terrible shame.
Roman Catholicism–The world’s largest Christian organization…they even have their own tiny country (Vatican City) and–currently–a leader who used to be a Nazi! Fun!
Satanist
Satanists–There are two kinds of Satanists, those who believe in Satan as the Judeo-Christian bringer of Evil, and those who are just misguided humanists who want to piss off their parents and draw stars on their notebooks.
Scientology–A follow-up to L. Ron Hubbard’s previous self-help system, Dianetics, Scientology seems sort-of-kind-of almost helpful in theory, but in practice it’s most likely just as twisted and evil as anything else. There have been tons of complaints about the “business” of Scientology; however, the insanity of their claims should be considered average. I mean, is it crazier to believe in volcanic aliens or a talking snake? Take your pick…
Shia, Shiite, Shi’ite–Despite the name’s likeness to “shit,” these Muslims aren’t the “terrorist” ones…probably. What sets them apart is their belief that holy Imams, such as Muhammad, have spiritual and political power over today’s world…waitaminute…don’t all of our presidents believe the same thing about Jesus?
Shinto–The Japanese “Way of the Gods,” is a system in which actions speak louder than words. They worship just about everything with a strong concentration on ancestry. While there’s really no evidence of it ever being its own unified religion, the practice makes perfect.
Sikhism–These people believe that the highest attainable point in life is to achieve a truthful existence. They attempt a positive, happy, and equal relationship with everyone–no matter the race, gender, or creed. That sounds great in theory, but sometimes when they’re driving the cab you’re in, you start wishing they would cut someone off once in a while…
Smartism–Sounds pretty douchey and pretentious right? Wrong. Smartism is a Hindu sect that refers to a deep study of the Veda and Shastra scriptures and memorizing a bunch of laws and shit. I guess it is pretty douchey, isn’t it?
Sufism–This one sounds like fun–but it’s not. Interestingly enough, Sufism attempts to define itself as the science of being closer to God. Isn’t it fun when religion attempts to disguise itself as science, and yet rejects all existing science at the same time?
Witchcraft
Sunni Islam–This is the one true faith. Blessings and peace be on the names of Allah and Muhammad. (translation: Please don’t murder me or my family)
Tantra–Surely, the only time you’ve heard this religion referred to is in regard to “Tantric Sex,” but there’s more (boo…)! They study the Tantra Scriptures, worship Shakti (who sounds like an old school rapper), channel energy through the divine “Godhead,” and…fuck it…Tantric Sex.
Taoism–Its focus on vitality, inner peace, “non-action”, and such have turned Taoism into the single largest exporter of bullshit ever (probably). Yins and Yangs, herbal remedies…you know, all that annoying dirge that your crazy neighbor and ex-girlfriend were into.
Unitarianism–These wacky folks are notoriously made fun of for being “liberal” and “understanding.” They don’t accept the “trinity” of God, but they accept damn near everything and everyone else. Don’t they know how to run a successful religion?
Yoga–Sometimes, religious people figure out that they have a pretty shitty religion. They see other people in different faiths having loads of fun and they get jealous. Then they make up their own wacky combination of all those Eastern faiths and use it as an excuse to sell “stretching classes” to tourists and Westerners.
Yoruba–Before Islam and Christianity came to African nations, they had something completely different: stories, songs, traditions, and practices that all served to bring their “mortal selves” closer to “a divine creator of all things.” It’s a good thing Islam and Christianity came into the picture to set them straight.
According to the Telegraph in the UK–I know, why should you give a shit?–an Indian geneticist has taken blood samples from the Taliban’s Pashtun Afridi tribe and comparing it to the DNA of Israeli Jews. “Why is this little brown geneticist wasting his time?” you may ask…
Well, there is a strong possibility that the current members of the Taliban may have descended from a lost tribe of Israel–and by that, I mean–they’re JEWS!
Fuck you.
Of course, being of Israeli descent has no bearing on your “Jewishness” as Jewish is a religion and not an ethnicity. Essentially, it’s like saying that if you’re American, you’re a radical Right Wing Christian.
If it is found that these radical Arab terrorists actually have bloodlines to ancient Israel, it could make for some political comedy gold.
Some believe that a genetic connection between Israel and Afghani/Irani peoples may open doors for better relations between the countries–but those people are obviously barking up the wrong World fucking Peace Tree.
...preaching Tolerance and Acceptance
We essentially already know where we came from as a human race, and that every living person is related on some level and we’re still fucking killing each other.
Let’s take this one step at a time. The crazy train stops at every station, and as long as there is an inherent religous, political, and racial hatred between these people, ain’t nothing gonna change just because they might have shared a great grandmom.
So, first let’s figure out their genetic history–and then we can start planning Muhammad’s Bat Mitzvah.
As an American male who has long-since been desensitized to the likes of Two Girls, One Cup, I think it’s safe to say there is very little taboo in this age. You can be a sexual deviant and be a mega-star. You can be a child predator and still wind up making it big on MSNBC.
There’s no doubt that it’s a very sexy time to be alive. Aging hippies will talk of free love, fucking in trees and bushes, in public, on the steps of Congress. The young generation boasts about the blowjob they received behind a Wawa, or Denny’s. This is the same generation that brought us sexting (underage sexual text messages and pictures) which the media will claim as child pornography…but shouldn’t it be acceptable for sharing between consenting young adults?
The truth is that in the hands of the wrong people, something with convoluted sexuality (like “sexting”) may have the potential to be dangerous. But for the harmless, law-abiding, sexual creature, whatever doesn’t fuck you can only make you harder. This is a guide to those elements of sexuality and weirdness that put one over that thin red line that divides the objectively kinky from the universally creepy.
...universally creepy.
Analloeroticism (Asexuality)–You should never trust people who voluntarily detach themselves from sex; especially because any reasoning they give is complete horse shit. Whether it be spirituality, intellect, or a complete lack of passion, human beings who consider themselves “asexual” usually end up being deviant monsters whose inevitable life-long repression finds a way to rear its ugly head.
(Runners up: Agalmatophilia, Acne,According to Jim)
Bible, The–There are countless groups attempting to promote the idea that the biblical definitions of sex and relationships are the end-all-be-all. Some consider sex to be a spiritual or religious experience, and that’s fine. But there’s nothing sexy about basing your fucking on a ridiculous ancient text…unless it’s the Kama Sutra, in which case…you probably shouldn’t try.
(Runners up: B/O, Balloon Fetish, Burn Victims, Being Raped By Mike Tyson, Bobby Jindal)
Coprophilia–Poop, scat, feces, diarrhea…these things should never be sexually gratifying in any way. Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, you decide it might be kinky to take a shit on your lover’s chest. You both agree (because you’re both fucking stupid) and you go for it. It’s all well and good until you realize you’re taking a shit on someone and that shit is going to have to be cleaned up. By you. If you have to shit during sex, you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
Douchebags–While this seems like a somewhat unfair choice (because I’m subjectively defining the term), I think it’s an accurate representation. By definition the term has a negative connotation, but it can refer to almost anyone. Unfortunately, a douchebag can be sexy…but you’ll soon find that you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake.
(Runners up: Dendrophilia, Dominos Pizza, Dave Coulier)
Erotophonophilia–There’s nothing wrong with a little violence to get your rocks off, but when it turns into getting sexually excited by murder, you just become psychofuck serial killer. Thank christ that we have psychologists and psychoanalysts who spend their lives coming up with scientific names for these mental disorders, or we wouldn’t know it as erotophonophilia. We’d simply know it as “Daddy masturbates to the History Channel.”
Frotteurism–Sexual pleasure from strangers is fine (in fact, it is possibly the basis of all porn); however, this particular “ism” refers to the sexual excitement that comes from casually rubbing against strangers; i.e. that guy who tried to get by you on the train was, in fact, creaming his jeans as he touched your soft white shoulder.
(Runners up: Formicophilia, Facebook Creepers, Futanari, Furries, Fish Fucking)
These signs need to be around everywhere. A friendly reminder is always nice.
Guro–Possibly the most violent and bizarre form of hentai (comic pornography), Guro blows my mind. The genre has a reputation of involving the most disgustingly violent forms of sex (i.e. rape, skull-fucking, horrorporn). Am I not hip, or is that wholly un-sexy? Guro is certainly interesting to peruse. It can be quite psychological and strange…but it’s still…totally…not sexy.
(Runners up: Girls Gone Wild, Ghosts, Grover Bodies, Gary Busey, Gap Kids)
Horoscopes–If a chick asks you what your Astrological sign is, don’t get involved. If a guy asks you what your Astrological sign is, he’s probably probably retarded…or incredibly bright, depending on how you look at it…but he is taking a huge risk. People who gauge their lives based on a random blurb in the newspaper have monumentally unattractive personalities and dependence issues.
(Runners up: Hebephilia, Hairyness, Harry Potter, Hooters)
Intellectual Laziness–Is there any bigger turn-off than stupidity? Maybe Lip Hair…yes. Lip hair would be a bigger turn-off. But, look…there’s no problem with not being the brightest crayon in the box, but the desire to grow has to be there. In guys and gals, if you’re a dummy, you’re a dummy; but if you sit there and drool while someone is trying to explain something to you, you’re either medically retarded, or you’re a Creationist.
Juicy Shorts–On a nice ass, it doesn’t matter what the logo says. “Oh, Juicy ass? Okay, why not?” But most perceptions of a “juicy” ass are extremely negative. The worst thing about the whole “juicy” craze is that no one whose ass you could comfortably call “juicy” wears the fucking shorts. They’re always either worn by 12-year olds or the morbidly obese. False Advertising.
(Runners Up: Jon and Kate Plus 8, Jedi, Japanese Porn)
The pairing of "Juicy, Cherries, and Underage Girls" is enough to make even Chris Hansen go, "How the fuck did I miss this?!"
Kilts (on men)–Scotland’s exports to the United States are all things that it has become necessary to re-gift…or just throw away. Their food isn’t food. Golf is one of the most boring activities one can engage in and still claim to be having “fun” (aside from bowling). And men wearing knee-skirts seems evil and wrong. When waitresses at Scottish bars wear kilts, it’s fresh and exciting, like a schoolgirl that you wouldn’t go to prison for fucking. An attractive man wearing a kilt might as well be living in a cave. An unattractive man wearing a kilt is probably Scottish.
(Runners Up: Klismaphilia, Kohl’s, Keith Richards, Kat Von D, Karaoke, Kafka)
Learning Yoga–I’d like to think that all of those able-bodied people who can actually do yoga are just born with that talent. I can’t even touch my fucking toes and these people are turning their bodies into soft pretzels. The practice of yoga is absolutely sexy; but the jackasses who think they can move their body like that when they haven’t even stretched since High School gym class need to think twice.
(Runners Up: Lactaphilia, Lil Wayne, Love Stories, Lane Bryant)
Masking–Possibly the most unnerving and unsettling sexual fetish is “masking.” I can appreciate the concepts of role play, costumes, and even latex/rubber fetishes (but what’s the point?); however, the concept of “masking” takes this all a step further. Maskers are men who make human female “skin outfits” out of latex and wear them around as if they are in a woman’s body. It’s like…EXTREME CROSS-DRESSING. It verges way-too-close to House of 1000 Corpses for me to find sexually appealing. But then again, I’m not a cross-dresser…or a psychotic.
Nihilists–There’s something to be said about individuals who stand by the non-existence of morality and law. Nihilists believe in nothing, and while–as an atheist–I have a certain admiration for disbelievers, there is very little that can be considered attractive about these people. Sure, you’ll meet your artsy guy or gal who claims to be a nihilist; but you’ll soon find that they are an a dark abyss where personality and sexuality are fucking extinct.
Obesity–Allow me to clarify that, for the record, there is nothing wrong with fat-bottomed girls. You don’t need to be skinny to be sexy. Classical artists painted heavyset women for ages…plump chicks wearing velvet, eating apples in the Garden of Eden, chugging wine like it’s 1509. I’ll leave it at this: you never see Michelangelo’s portraits of 300+ pound women washing themselves with rags on sticks and being carried out of their homes through a truck-sized hole in the wall.
(Runners Up: Olive Garden, Octomom, Occult)
Plushophilia–Although I’ve already mentioned “Furries” as a ‘Runner Up,’ I felt obligated to give them the recognition they so richly deserve. A physical attraction to stuffed animals is only magnified when it is embodied by lovers in mascot costumes. If you’ve ever had sex with a girl who was laughing at you the whole time, imagine the feeling of looking down at a googly-eyed hippopotamus (or some shit) staring up at your with a shit-eating grin on its face. Now that’s a boner-killer.
This must be how Stormtroopers are punished for incopetence...
Quagmires (sexual)–Many stories have been told about the unpleasantness of first-time sex. It is known as being bumbling, staggering, messy, and–one way or another–it’s over far too fast. Of course this is a generalization made by a vast majority who are sexually awkward the first time they fuck. This is an excusable quagmire. After you’ve had a considerable level of experience, these sexual blunders only become acceptable if you get ‘camera-shy.’
(Runners Up: QVC, Queans, Querimonies, Quaternitarians, Questioning the legitimacy of this list)–yeah, look those up, bitches.
Reenactors–There’s nothing wrong with being a history buff. Being interested in anything that much is totally hot; but when it takes over your personality to the point that you become a character in a recurring story, you’ve drained yourself of that appeal. This goes mainly for men. Ladies, if you can pull off some sexy cosplay, go for it! Guys, isn’t that enough?
(Runners Up: Rush Limbaugh, Radio Shack, Religion, Reparations)
Symphorophilia–While I’m trying to stay away from criticizing paraphilia that others may hold dear, there are some which–if you dohold them dear–there’s something deeply and disturbingly wrong with you. Symphorophilia refers to the sexual attraction one would (but shouldn’t) receive from witnessing a horrible disaster, such as a plane crash or…holocaust. It goes beyond sadism. It’s driving past a car accident on the side of the road, checking it out, and getting a boner. Sexy enough for ya?
(Runners Up: Space Camp, Sex Offenders, Sesame Street, Sheep, Shingles)
Trichophilia–Evidently, it’s extremely rare (percentage-wise) for women to experience paraphilia. That’s not to say that women have no interest in the evils of fetishism; however, the ratio of guys to gals who get freaky is way-skewed. For this one, I think it could easily go either way. Remember the days when being “shaved” was an extreme sexual rarity? Now fucking everyone goes hairless–or mostly hairless–and the world is much better for it. Who needs those freaks who live in the past? And who wants to be picking pubes out of their teeth?
(Runners Up: Twilight, Two and a Half Men, Titty-hugs from titless strippers)
This is the result of thorough daily manscaping.
Ursusagalmatophilia–Having already mentioned the Furries, I don’t feel the need to go too far in depth with this one. Ursusa-whatthefuck-philia is the sexual attraction one might–or might not–have towards a Teddy Bear. But to be fair, who can resist their button-eyes, unassuming expressions, and the empty soulless feeling you get from sticking your dick in a hollowed out Teddy Bear?
(Runners Up: Ugg Boots, Unemployment, UK Basketball)
Vorarephilia–There are individuals who exist (yes, they exist) who don’t enjoy being eaten out. Whether it be ass or vajazz…some don’t like performing or receiving. Now, if you don’t like it, you don’t like it…but what if I tried to sell you this…(allow me to play Billy Mays for a moment) ‘Hi Billy Mays here for being eaten alive! Are you a human being who dreams of being a helpless rodent, devoured whole by a massive python?! Well with my new product, Vore-be-gone, you can experience the sensation of being eaten and digested by another living thing, without leaving your living room!’ What the fuck is wrong with you people?!
(Runners Up: Vampirism, Vulcans, Video Diaries, Vitamin Enthusiasts)
Wizard Porn–Harry Potter has suffered an onslaught of fan fiction horseshit. It’s not surprising, it’s just unnerving. Why is it that out of all the teenage angst and sexual tension in those Harry Potter books/movies, aspiring uber-nerds spend their time scribing the homosexual adventures of Potter and Malfoy–or Potter and that annoying ginger kid? There are plenty of chicks in the picture…and Hermione’s getting kinda hot, so why not? Of course, if you really think about it…even straight wizard sex is kinda gay.
(Runners Up: Words of Wisdom, Wigs, Whinging, WalMart, World of Warcraft)
Xanga-When horny old men aren’t trolling MySpace, Facebook, or Twitter for fresh meat, they use Xanga…so it’s probably safe to say that there are hardly any horny old men on Xanga. But, for the purposes of this “X,” let’s assume that there are. What better way to scope out under-age girls with low self esteem? Their parents don’t understand them and their friends are all bitches. You’re the only one who really understands her…so why not? Some guys get off on girls’ desperation…but, those guys are all still in college. We’ve moved on.
(Runners Up: Xenophobia, Xanex)
Yard Art–Also called “Lawn Ornaments” or “Lawn Decor,” Yard Art is truly a sign of the sexually repressed and artistically retarded. Discovering a pink flamingo, garden gnome, wooden windmill, or crudely painted-not-so-funny-plywood-cutout-folk-art sticking out of your neighbor’s obsessively manipulated green grass is a sure sign that they’re probably in the business of enslaving children.
(Runners Up: YMCA Creeper Swim)
And who can forget the adorable folksy nature of having a little piece of racism on your front porch?
Zoophilia–We’ve had a lot of fun here today, but there’s nothing funny about fucking a horse…okay, there’s something funny about fucking a horse–especially if you do it more than once, with the same horse…like this guy. Beastiality is possibly the most intense form of animal adoration out there. Beat that, PeTA! It takes the term “dog lover” to a whole new level…truly man’s best friend.
On the other side of this is Zoosadism, a runner-up for this entry…which is essentially the thrill of seeing animals in pain. Also, this means if you’re pissed off at Michael Vick, you should probably also be against hunting, fishing, bull fighting, horse racing, and any other “sport” that provides us with a fun and exciting way to say “fuck you” to animals…without actually fucking them.
(Runners Up: Zoosadism, Zodiac Signs, Zeitgeist)
I’d like to believe that this guide will be helpful to anyone who had to ask themselves the self-depreciating question, “Should I be masturbating to this?” It’s an important question to ask before risking feeling completely miserable with guilt for the rest of your day life. If any of you have any disagreements, Runners Up, or changes you feel could be made to this very important document, please don’t hesitate to voice your opinion. It can be changed. It’s a living document…
In a recent article, I mentioned the ridiculous and intellectually offensive item in the news regarding a certain political cartoon. I know you’re all sick of seeing it, but here it is:
This Chimp represents nothing more than a Chimp. (Not Pictured: Al Sharpton representing a Horse's Ass.)
I don’t know why, but I am extremely frightened by the outrage that this cartoon has caused. Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly why I’m frightened. I’m terrified because the attacks that this cartoon has prevoked could potentially serve to take away the essential freedom in this country to criticize our government.
These attacks are reminiscent of those made by Muslims over the cartoons, in the Netherlands, featuring various depictions of Muhammad in various situations. In the Netherlands, however, these violent protests and threats of murder served to reduce the government to something close to the consistancy of a bowl of pudding. This has also happened in Great Britain.
Our story thus far is a bit different. People are outraged, but they are not violent. People are fed up, but they’re not threatening the lives of the cartoonist or the fine people at The New York Post. That’s a very good thing.
But do these blind dogs even know what they’re barking at? Those who were offended by the cartoon (which mostly included African Americans) called for a formal apology as well as the tarring and feathering of those involved in the cartoon’s production.
They fished their wish, so far. The paper apologized, but they apologized conditionally. They apologized in such a way to suggest that they did nothing wrong. Now The New York Post has never been a very decent paper, but I must say: Good For Them!
They have nothing to apologize for; but if they had to give an apology, I’m glad they basically said: “Sorry if you were offended, but we didn’t do anything wrong.”
If the cartoon had depicted a black man (or President Obama) being shot in some kind of racist spirit, a Newspaper who wants to claim that it is staffed by responsible journalists must (and I repeat must) apologize for that disgrace. But The New York Post, nor the Cartoonist, nor the Editor-in-Chief did anything wrong. They should not have to bow down and bend over backwards for a bunch of whiny cunts who choose to see teenage tits in a Magic Eyepainting.
2. There was a Chimpanzee that was shot and killed, so the cartoon is within the context of that news story.
3. The cartoon is not a call to assassinate the president, Mr. NAACP.
4. Barack Obama didn’t write the Stimulus Bill, and even if he had, the cartoon is only making a comment that the Bill in question is so poorly conceived and written, that it might as well have been written by a Chimpanzee.
5. Next time a child draws, colors, or pretends to be a Monkey; I want the NAACP to break down that child’s door and call them out for the despicable, unrepentant racist that he is. That’ll show him how we do things in America.
I’ve said this before, and I will say it again…If we allow this kind of random, staggering, infantile bullshit to continue, we will no longer live in a free country. We will live in a country of babysitters, cry-babies, and fools.
Well, it’s official, kids. The terrorists have won. They won in Denmark, they won in England, and now they’ve won in America. It’s a shame, really. So many of our country’s young men and women have sacrificed their lives to defend our “freedom.” They died for nothing.
As we are all no doubt aware, society–more specifically, modern western progressive society–has become more concerned with 
