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Seeing Double: Top Ten Movie Clones Released Cheek-to-Cheek

Originality can be a rarity within the sparkly streets of Tinseltown, its cinematic offerings tending to consist of remakes, reboots, copycats and sequels which consistently dominate the worldwide box office. Just this week, Hollywood is presenting the US with Will Gluck’s “Friends with Benefits,” a rom-com about two long-time pals who decide to have casual sex with each other, no strings attached. Sound familiar? Well, just six months ago came Ivan Reitman’s “No Strings Attached,” the storyline of which is exactly the same as “Friends with Benefits,” the only difference being that that one starred Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher, and this new one stars Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake. Their similarities can be seen in the video below.

To mark this baffling coincidence (or is it?!?!), I’ve compiled a list of the top ten times this happened before in Hollywood, i.e. two movies that were released close together and carry striking resemblances to each other. Happenstance or a result of studio eavesdropping? Rip-off or pure coincidence? Let’s compare these movie clones.

(Note: The films are presented in chronological order, and the worldwide box office takings provided include figures from the US.)

(1993-1994) “Tombstone” and “Wyatt Earp”

What’s the Resemblance?
Aside from the fact that they are both very much gunslinging westerns, “Wyatt Earp” and “Tombstone” are on this list because they share the same well-known, real-life protagonist: Wyatt Earp, historical lawman of the wild West.

Which Came First?
“Tombstone” rode into town on Christmas Day, 1993, with “Wyatt Earp” hot on its trail, released 24 June, 1994.

Which Made the Most Cash?
“Tombstone” lassoed in $56 million domestically, while “Wyatt Earp” was less successful, earning only $25 million domestically on its $63 million budget.

What Sets Them Apart?
“Wyatt Earp” is a serious biopic of the eponymous lawman (played by Kevin Costner), taking us from his adolescence to his later years, showing us the good times and the bad times of the historical figure’s life in the West. “Tombstone,” on the other hand, (with Kurt Russell in the lead role) is slightly less stern and focuses only on the events leading up to the infamous shootout at the O.K. Corral.

What’s the Better Movie?
Audiences seemed to take much more of a shine to “Tombstone,” what with its action-packed plot and spaghetti western stylisation, as opposed to the realism of the biographical “Wyatt Earp;” I’m sure the latter’s three hour runtime did little to resolve this.

(1995) “Gordy” and “Babe”

What’s the Resemblance? 
Live-action family films of the “animals can talk” fare, “Babe” and “Gordy” both star a lively piglet who can converse with the other animals of his homely farm, though us humans of course only hear nonsensical oinking.

Which Came First?
“Gordy” trotted about on 12 May, while “Babe” played in the mud on 4 August.

Which Made the Most Cash?
“Gordy” was a bit of a flop, making only $4 million domestically, while “Babe” squealed all the way to the bank with over $66 million in the US alone and $240 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
While “Babe” stuck to its humble setting of a farm in the country, “Gordy” saw its curly-tailed protagonist travelling across America to find his family, resulting in all sorts of silly, stupid and insufferable shenanigans.

What’s the Better Movie?
“Babe” by a long shot; it was met with critical acclaim, proved much more popular with audiences than “Gordy,” was nominated for Best Picture by the Academy Awards and is something of a Disney classic. Meanwhile, the obnoxious “Gordy” thankfully faded into long-forgotten obscurity.

(1997) “Dante’s Peak” and “Volcano”

What’s the Resemblance?
“Dante’s Peak” and “Volcano” are both mindless ’90s disaster movies revolving around volcanoes that have violently erupted without much warning, putting their protagonists in quite a bit of peril.

Which Came First?
“Dante’s Peak” erupted first, released on 7 February, and “Volcano” spilled its lava on 25 April.

Which Made the Most Cash?
Both movies made very middling amounts of cash given their sizable budgets, with “Dante’s Peak” earning over $67 million domestically and $178 million worldwide, and “Volcano” grossing $49 million domestically and $122 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
“Dante’s Peak” takes place in a fictional town by the countryside, as compared to “Volcano,” which showcases a (surprise, surprise) volcano that unexpectedly rises up from the streets of Los Angeles.

What’s the Better Movie?
Neither are particularly good, but I’d say “Volcano” is superior, if only for the stupefying corniness of it all (a volcano in Los Angeles? Really?). “Dante’s Peak,” on the other hand, isn’t very exciting and doesn’t contain Tommy Lee Jones outrunning a collapsing skyscraper.

(1998) “Deep Impact” and “Armageddon”

What’s the Resemblance?
A gigantic asteroid is hurtling through the vastness of space in the direction of our lovely planet, and is set to destroy every living thing on Earth; it’s up to us to stop it before the population of the globe is reduced to zero.

Which Came First?
“Deep Impact” crashed into cinemas on 8 May, while “Armageddon” made its impact on 1 July.

Which Made the Most Cash?
Both surprisingly managed to make a boatload at the box office, with “Armageddon” receiving over $200 million domestically and $550 million worldwide, and “Deep Impact” raking in $140 million domestically and $350 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
One stars Bruce Willis and the other stars Morgan Freeman. One is more of an actioner and the other is more of a drama. While “Armageddon” goes down the Michael Bay/Jerry Bruckheimer big-explosion route, “Deep Impact” takes a more dramatic approach, looking at how us human beings would react given the news that a big space rock’s about to kill us all.

What’s the Better Movie?
As thrilling as the last 90 minutes of “Armageddon” are, I’d have to say “Deep Impact” is the better film. The former suffers from director Michael Bay’s complete and utter incompetence with scenes that aren’t action-oriented, while the latter is a much more solid and noble watch, albeit lacking in adrenaline-fuelled thrills.

(1998) “Antz” and “A Bug’s Life”

What’s the Resemblance?
In a highly populated ant colony, one misfit ant attempts to free his fellow insects from an unflinching higher power, discovering throughout the course of the film that he is much braver than he ever thought before.

Which Came First?
“Antz” crawled onto the big screen on 2 October, and “A Bug’s Life” followed on 25 November.

Which Made the Most Cash?
“Antz” did fairly well, receiving $90 million domestically and $171 million worldwide, while “A Bug’s Life” was just a little bit gigantic, earning $162 million in the US and $363 million globally.

What Sets Them Apart?
“Antz” is notably grittier than “A Bug’s Life,” it even including a scene where a newly decapitated head talks to our neurotic main character. “A Bug’s Life,” on the other hand, is a more family-friendly animation, most of the insect characters animated to appear cute and cuddly.

What’s the Better Movie?
One is Pixar and the other is DreamWorks, two movie studios seemingly always in battle with each other. Pixar’s “A Bug’s Life” is a bit of a childhood favourite of mine, so I of course personally prefer it to Dreamworks’ “Antz,” though I know many prefer the boldness of the latter (I do love the casting of Woody Allen).

(2000) “Mission to Mars” and “Red Planet”

What’s the Resemblance?
A couple of sci-fi tales which see a group of astronauts venturing out of our atmosphere in a big rocket and landing on the fourth planet from our sun, Mars, where things unfortunately take a turn for the worst.

Which Came First?
First to land was “Mission to Mars” on 10 March, while “Red Planet” blasted off on 10 November.

Which Made the Most Cash?
While “Mission to Mars” earned a fair amount at the box office with $60 million in the US and $110 million worldwide, “Red Planet” couldn’t even make back half of its production budget of $80 million, taking in only $33 million from international audiences.

What Sets Them Apart?
Where the differences lie are in the intentions of the space-travelling characters. In “Mission to Mars,” they’re a rescue team sent to the red planet to find out what happened to the previous team who ventured there, and in “Red Planet,” they’ve come to Mars to find resources to bring back to a dying Earth.

What’s the Better Movie?
That’s a bit like asking someone to tell you which serving of excrement tastes less shitty. Neither are what you’d call the next “2001: A Space Odyssey,” both as bland as a pod person, though I’d say “Mission to Mars” stinks slightly less, what with Brian De Palma in the director’s chair.

(2003-2004) “Finding Nemo” and “Shark Tale”

What’s the Resemblance?
Two movies set in the watery depths of the seven seas, “Finding Nemo” and “Shark Tale” saw Pixar and DreamWorks in fierce competition yet again, both making computer-animated family flicks starring a plethora of fishy characters.

Which Came First?
“Finding Nemo” was a 2003 release, floating to the surface on 30 May, while “Shark Tale” surfaced on 1 October, 2004.

Which Made the Most Cash?
Both movies were kings of the box office ocean, with “Shark Tale” making a splash with $160 million domestically and $367 million worldwide, and “Finding Nemo” swimming in a pile of dough, making $339 million domestically and $867 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
The biggest difference would be the storylines, one of which is more emotional, the other having entertainment solely in mind. “Finding Nemo” tells the story of a clown fish who swims all the way across the ocean to find his missing son, while “Shark Tale” is about a bluestreak cleaner wrasse who receives local fame when he pretends to be a professional killer of sharks.

Which is the Better Movie?
There is no competition here; “Finding Nemo” received mass acclaim from both critics and audiences alike, left filmgoers everywhere teary eyed in the cinema and is still heralded as one of Pixar’s very best. And “Shark Tale,” while maybe not too bad, was much less ambitious, feeling more like a quick paycheck for the cluster of A-list actors providing their vocal talents.

(2005) “Red Eye” and “Flightplan”

What’s the Resemblance?
Both “Red Eye” and “Flightplan” are very tense thrillers with female heroes and male villains, involve terrorism and kidnapping, and take place primarily within the aisles of flying aeroplanes.

Which Came First?
Landing first was “Red Eye” on 19 August, while “Flightplan” landed on 23 September.

Which Made the Most Cash?
“Red Eye” was a modest success, receiving $57 million domestically and $95 million worldwide, while “Flightplan” was quite the hit, taking in $89 million domestically and $223 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
“Red Eye” has a woman being seated beside a charming man on a plane who turns out to be a rather nasty individual, ordering her to phone the hotel she works for and change the room in which the Deputy Secretary of Homeland Security resides so that he may be assassinated. “Flightplan” has a woman boarding a plane with her daughter, falling asleep and waking up to find her daughter gone, with no record of her ever having boarded the plane.

What’s the Better Movie?
In my opinion, these are both great slices of entertainment, but my personal preference lies with “Red Eye,” mainly due to Cillian Murphy’s incredibly intimidating performance as the menacing villain. “Flightplan,” while definitely a fun and mysterious ride, is a little too far-fetched for its own good.

(2005-2006) “Capote” and “Infamous”

What’s the Resemblance?
“Capote” and “Infamous” together tell the exact same story. What is this story? It is of Truman Capote, the famed author of “Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” both fact-based films revolving around the man as he researches his new book, “In Cold Blood,” and becomes obsessively involved with the the imprisoned murderer who is the subject of his upcoming novel.

Which Came First?
Initially hitting the silver screen in 2005 was “Capote,” given a limited release in the US on 30 September, then a wider release on 3 February, 2006. “Infamous” followed with a limited release on 13 October, 2006.

Which Made the Most Cash?
“Capote” made the most money by a long shot, it earning $28 million domestically and $49 million worldwide. “Infamous,” due to its limited release, made only $1.5 million domestically and $2.6 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
The only notable difference between the two is in terms of tone. “Capote” has a very cold and almost unsettling ambience about itself, while “Infamous” is much warmer; indeed, you can see this even in the two posters above.

What’s the Better Movie?
It’s unfortunate that “Infamous” was so overshadowed by the success of “Capote,” as it is a very good movie in its own right, but I do believe that “Capote” is superior; how could you not just love Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Oscar-winning performance as the effeminately-voiced eccentric? You could hardly even recognise the man.

(2006) “The Illusionist” and “The Prestige”

What’s the resemblance? 
Both “The Illusionist” and “The Prestige” are set at the turn of the 20th Century, with stage performers in the leading roles. What do they perform? Magic and illusions, shows of trickery and deception, which it turns out they use off-stage as well.

Which Came First?
“The Illusionist” waved its wand first on 18 August with a limited released then a wider release on 1 September, followed by the wizardry of “The Prestige” on 20 October.

Which Made the Most Cash?
“The Illusionist” pulled $39 million out of its hat domestically and $87 million worldwide, while “The Prestige” conjured up $53 million domestically and $109 million worldwide.

What Sets Them Apart?
“The Illusionist” is a love story, while “The Prestige” is a mystery thriller. “The Illusionist” sees its magician protagonist falling for a woman who is out of his reach, while “The Prestige” tells the story of two co-performers who end up in an intense, violent rivalry. Also, “The Prestige” contains actual magic, while “The Illusionist” does not.

What’s the Better Movie?
“The Prestige” is a slightly more intriguing movie than “The Illusionist,” which is nonetheless wonderfully directed and beautifully acted. Under the direction of Christopher “The Dark Knight” Nolan, “The Prestige” is dark and absorbing, crammed full of twists, turns and sleights of hand that the audience never sees coming; it also contains David Bowie, which is always a plus.

Honourable Mentions: (1996) “Independence Day” and “Mars Attacks”; (1998) “Saving Private Ryan” and “The Thin Red Line”; (2005-2006) “Æon Flux” and “Ultraviolet”; (2009) “Paul Blart: Mall Cop” and “Observe and Report”

Watson

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I Love Movies, but I Hate Yours: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part 2

And so it ends. Eight movies, all glorious; millions of fans, all utterly devoted; billions of dough flooding the bank, all very much deserved. The “Harry Potter” franchise truly has become a gigantic staple of contemporary popular culture, each magical movie wonderfully adapted from the beloved series of bestselling books written by celebrated British author J. K. Rowling. And it is with great sadness and grief that we slide off our pointed wizard hats, raise our wands in the air and light up the sky to bid farewell to this magnificent saga as it takes its grand final bow.

Yes, it’s all over for Harry Potter and his wizarding pals, but there’s no use crying over spilt pumpkin juice. Okay, maybe just a few tears (they are characters with whom many have grown up, after all). We last saw speccy, redhead and bookworm on a sandy beach at the end of “Part One” of the “Deathly Hallows” double, where poor little house-elf Dobby had just fallen fatal victim to a knife flung by bitch-of-a-witch Bellatrix Lestrange (Helena Bonham Carter, “The King’s Speech”).

“Part Two” picks up soon after this tragic affair, with Harry (Daniel Radcliffe), Ron (Rupert Grint) and Hermione (Emma Watson) planning their next move against the monstrous Lord Voldemort (Ralph Fiennes, “In Bruges”) and his nefarious companions, the savage Death Eaters. The trio also continue their search for the rest of the Horcruxes, which those who have paid attention to the series should know are different parts of Voldemort’s wicked soul, and they all need to be destroyed if he is to finally meet his maker. (Read More)

Ten Outta Ten.

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I Love Movies, but I Hate Yours: Cars 2, Transformers 3, and Bad Teacher

“CARS 2″

The problem with “Cars 2″ is that it’s produced by Pixar, a film studio that is automatically preceded by a reputation for producing groundbreaking masterpiece after groundbreaking masterpiece. Ever since it made its first full-length feature in 1995, the animation company has been responsible for some of the most highly regarded movies of recent years, with films such as “Toy Story” and “Wall-E” capturing the imaginations of audiences young and old, wide and far. Pixar is universally renowned as one of the most reliable movie studios running today, the mere mention of its name instantly inspiring a promise of stunning and breathtaking quality. And as soon as that sparky little animated lamp bounces up and down on the second letter of the company’s name before the movie’s opening titles, John Lasseter’s “Cars 2″ is doomed to crash and burn. (READ MORE)

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“TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON”

I’m rewarding “Transformers: Dark of the Moon” with a passing grade for this single simple fact: I had fun. You see, “Transformers 3″ presented me with what I shall hesitantly label “a good time,” which I shall attribute to the fact that I was sitting in a cinema watching two-and-a-half-hours of giant robots repeatedly hurling their mits at the glimmering metallic bodies of one another. Now, you may ask me, “But Stephen, you sexy beast, you were presented with the exact same thing in the second movie, “Revenge of the Fallen,” and you very much disliked that movie, so why does this one get a passing grade?” Well, I’ll tell you why (and thanks for the compliment); I’ve given this a passing grade because there’s something about “Dark of the Moon” that renders it not quite as tedious or frustrating as the chaotic clutter that was 2009′s “Revenge of the Fallen.” And if that’s not high praise, I don’t know what is. (READ MORE)

*******

“BAD TEACHER”

It is the job of a teacher to introduce you to the whole wide world and all its wonders. You’re young, you’re naive, you’re impressionable, and your teacher is most likely the only adult authority figure outside of mummy and daddy. You see them five days a week, six hours a day, are under their control and are taught everyday skills by them. Amongst your absorption of grammatical correctness and mathematical equations, you are being trained by someone who is essentially a role model. And thinking of Elizabeth Halsey as a role model is an unnerving thought indeed. (READ MORE)

*******

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I Love Movies, But I Hate Yours: Green Lantern, Bridesmaids, and The Beaver

GREEN LANTERN

I think we’ve all been waiting for a “Green Lantern” movie for friggin’ yonks, haven’t we? I mean, we’ve watched together as all the other comic book superheroes received the summer blockbuster treatment over the past few years, and “Green Lantern” will have been top of the list for everyone, yes? Because everyone knows about “Green Lantern,” don’t they? And everyone loves “Green Lantern.” Oh yes, everyone knows about the Green Lantern Corps and their power rings and their big planet thingy and their, uhh, their green lanterns. And they’re obviously very iconic pieces of American culture, recognised by everyone on the face of the Earth. So, surely every moviegoer on the globe has been dying to see a “Green Lantern” film on the big silver screen, to see everyone’s favourite character in the flesh and bone, and here it finally is, allowing for us all to relieve our universal anticipation once and for all. Well, phew! Fi-na-lly. I was beginning to worry for a moment there.

Okay, I’ll stop all the sarcasm. So maybe the “Green Lantern” name or concept is not as particularly well-known to Mr. and Mrs. Tax-Payer as, say, “Batman” or “Superman” (though maybe it’s more of a familiarity in the realms of the super-nerd), but surely you wouldn’t think lack of existing awareness of the concept would falter the quality of the mega-budget big-screen adaptation in any way. And you’d be right, it doesn’t, just like it didn‘t with Jon Favreau‘s “Iron Man” in 2008; the problem is that this Martin Campbell-directed summer blockbuster will do nothing but taint and bruise the name and property that is DC’s “Green Lantern,” what with how badly handled the subject material is. (Read More)

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BRIDESMAIDS

I wish I could explain to you in specific detail the sheer hilarity of “Bridesmaids,” but alas my morals inform me that I must not. For I must not taint its comedic genius for you, dear reader, before you’ve set your eyes on this comedy behemoth from, as the poster understandably gloats, the producer of “Superbad,” “Knocked Up,” and “The 40 Year-Old Virgin.”

Yes, this is another Judd Apatow buddy-movie production, but this time with a little twist and shake. You see, if you pay specific attention to this film, you may come to notice something that is very strange indeed: all of the main characters have a pair of knockers attached to their chests. And no, this isn’t Seth Rogen playing multiple characters. Shocking as it is, “Bridesmaids” stars a bunch of chicks, but please do not let this fact put you off purchasing a ticket, sexist male readers. For I am a man, testicles and all, and I loved every gosh darn side-splitting second of director Paul Feig’s hysterical “Bridesmaids;” this ain’t no typical chick-flick tripe. (Read More)

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THE BEAVER

What we get in “The Beaver” is Mel Gibson being a very bad ventriloquist, with his left hand stuffed up a beaver hand-puppet’s arse, talking to everyone he meets in a Cockney accent that sounds an awful lot like the voice of Ray Winstone. Director Jodie Foster intends for us to take this concept seriously for the most part, an intention that of course can only cause trouble for the viewer, chiefly because it’s Mel Gibson being a very bad ventriloquist, with his left hand stuffed up a beaver hand-puppet’s arse, talking to everyone he meets in a Cockney accent that sounds an awful lot like the voice of Ray Winstone. Do you see?

This is Foster’s third adventure as a film director, here displaying quite a bit of skill as a filmmaker. The very talented American actress is working with a script by Kyle Killen, this being his first film. Apparently, his script generated quite a bit of attention in Hollywood (I can’t image for a second why), ending up on the 2008 Black List, which is essentially a list of the best scripts that are yet to be produced. Now this is interesting, because what was in that supposedly promising screenplay seems to have gotten completely lost in translation upon being adapted onto the big screen. I don’t mean that Foster has royally screwed up (although I guess in retrospect she kinda did), it’s just that what may have read incredibly well in this script may have been entirely vacant of any chance of being successful when physically acted out. (Read More)

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I Love Movies, But I Hate Yours: X-Men First Class

After eleven short years and five cash-guzzling hit movies, the timeline of the “X-Men” franchise is well and truly knackered. Questionable continuity issues run amuck throughout the series started by director Bryan Singer as it tries to juggle a boatload of characters taken from the Marvel source material, sometimes clumsily dropping them and not knowing where to put them back again. Just like the cringe-worthy embarrassment that was Gavin Hood’s “X-Men Origins: Wolverine” of 2009, Matthew Vaughn’s “X-Men: First Class” has taken a vast number of creative liberties, the continuity now beaten to a bloody pulp. But out of this has come a film with a story that is as captivating and fascinating as any other; narrative cohesion takes a few steps back for inspired filmmaking to take centre stage.

As the title suggests, “First Class” is the prequel to the original trilogy, telling the story of how the first set of X-Men came to be. It also explains the back-story of the relationship between Professor X and Magneto, an aspect of the previous films that was always clouded in mystery and intrigue. And by golly, is it intriguing here. (Read More)

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I Love Movies, But I Hate Yours: The Hangover II and Kung Fu Panda 2

The Hangover Part II
In a predictable world, Todd Phillips’ “The Hangover Part II” would be utterly dreadful. After all, it is an over-marketed sequel to one of 2009′s biggest box-office smashes, an R-rated comedy which was essentially a much better orchestrated copycat of 2000′s “Dude, Where’s My Car?” set in Sin City, aka Las Vegas. Also, the sequel’s premise is damn near exactly the same as its rib-tickling predecessor, but this time with the trio of booze-hound protagonists flying halfway across the globe to start their drunken antics once again. And its money-lusting intentions are plain as day, though many a moviegoer will no doubt be flocking to see it the first chance they get, eating out of the producers’ hands like a dog would with its owner. Essentially, everything about “The Hangover Part II” stings the nostrils when sniffing it from the outside, but as it stands it is perfectly fine for what it is, not exceeding adequacy or falling short of it too often. (Read More)

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Kung Fu Panda 2
Jennifer Yuh Nelson’s “Kung Fu Panda 2″ blasts onto the screen with a rip-roaring energy that gleefully ricochets throughout the entire runtime. Much like its blockbusting predecessor, this computer-animated tale from Dreamworks Animation is fast and furious, sweet and funny, possibly even more so as it delivers the action, the laughs and an overall sense of exhilaration to sheer perfection. Watch out, Pixar, ‘cause Dreamworks is in town; the good kind of Dreamworks.

In the opening moments, we are told of a story revolving around Lord Shen (Gary Oldman, “Red Riding Hood”), the peacock heir to the thrown of Gongmen City. He seeks to use the power of fireworks to rule all of China, but is told by goat Soothsayer (Michelle Yeoh, “Sunshine”) of the prophecy that he is to be defeated by an animal of black and white. In response, he orders for all of the pandas in China to be killed, horrifying his family in the process. As a result, he is banished, but vows to one day return with a bang. (Read More)

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I Love Movies, But I Hate Yours: Pirates of the Caribbean On Stranger Tides

The “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise is like an increasingly annoying friend who’s come over to your house one night for dinner. While at first charming and entertaining, the friend telling you some wonderful stories, he has a little too much wine to drink, causing him to become a bit unstable and loud, banging his fists on the dinner table while maniacally chuckling away. Soon enough, he’s babbling away incoherently, his speech slurred beyond comprehension and impossible to follow, you yourself becoming slightly uncomfortable around him as he dances around the living room in his underpants to his own amusement. When he finally passes out on your couch, probably naked, you go up to bed to sleep peacefully, and wake up the next morning, forgetting he is even there. And when you go down to the living room, he rouses with a hangover and lumps of vomit coating the hairs of his bare chest, your friend refusing to leave you alone or go away.

And in spite of the mind-numbing incoherency of 2007′s threequel “At World’s End,” the “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise is completely and utterly refusing to go away. Yes, Disney have hurled a bucket of water over the series’ feces-dotted face and have forced it to get back to work and make them some more precious money with “On Stranger Tides.” But don’t listen to them, moviegoers! Don’t listen! (Read More)

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I Love Movies, But I Hate Yours: Something Borrowed, Priest, and Attack the Block

SOMETHING BORROWED

The purpose of a love story is to enchant an audience with a tale of passion and romance, to entrance them with characters who fall for each other in spite of what is put in place to separate them and keep them from holding and caressing and kissing each other. Luke Greenfield’s “Something Borrowed” takes a stab at this, but ultimately fails because of one tiny little problem: the characters are detestable pieces of unlikable scum who should be spat upon with hefty strands of thick saliva.

These characters are not engaging, they are not entrancing, and they are not sympathetic. It’s difficult to see them as anything other than dirt bags and cowards, given the moral corruption of their sneaky actions. Because of this, the love story at the centre of the plot is a tedious drag that numbs the buttocks faster than any anaesthetic ever could. Who would want to sit through 100+ minutes of irritating characters whining about not being able to be with the one they have a crush on? It’s very, very tiring, and no amount of piano riffs humming away in the background can change this. (Read More)

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PRIEST

Vampires have taken on many forms in horror films over the years, from suave and seductive Draculas to brooding and mopey Edward Cullens, but the ones in “Priest” are a little different from recent depictions. Here, they are snarling, sharp-fanged, slimy-skinned, no-eyed, no-nosed monsters of the night, far from anything you’d find in a “Twilight” film; the teens in the audience would cry themselves into a wrist-slitting frenzy. However, while this may sound like something of a relief, this makes them no more interesting than your average brainless creature of evil, characterised as just a bunch of gormless, screeching, soulless flesh-nibblers. They’d be more befitting to a video game, really, a far squeal from being a properly intriguing set of villainous beasts. Just like the rest of the film, they’re an opportunity that is as wasted as a college kid at a late-night frat party.

In the God-awful “Priest,” atheistic English actor Paul Bettany once again plays a religious figure, having portrayed an albino monk in Ron Howard’s “The Da Vinci Code” and an angel fallen all the way from Heaven in Scott Charles Stewart’s “Legion.” Here, he’s stupidly reteamed with Stewart to play a Bible-bashing, motorbike-riding, vampire-thumping man of the cloth — whether or not he molests children, I don’t know. (Read More)

*******

ATTACK THE BLOCK

Right, check out this high quality bling bling right here, man. Dis motherfucker Joe Cornish (he’s a radio presenter, bruv) has made dis film, yeah, and it’s called “Attack the Block.” He’s got some sick skill, I’m tellin’ ya. It’s some straight-up sci-fi horror thriller, man, and it’s got aliens and shit, innit, better believe me! And there’s this bunch o’ fuckin’ muppets, yeah, thinkin’ they’re well hard and shit when they’z so not, and they try to kill all dem aliens, and dem aliens fight right back, you get me? It’s well sick, bruv, so you gotta go check it out right this second cos it is serious quality, right, and I ain’t playin’ with choo.

Okay, look, I can’t write an entire review like this, I haven’t got enough street cred to do justice to the lingo. Instead, I shall speak in Her Royal Majesty the Queen’s English to describe this wonderful film that first-time director Joe Cornish (one half of BBC 6 Music’s side-splitting comedy duo “Adam & Joe”) has bestowed upon us. (Read More)

*******

~Watson~

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I Love Movies, but I Hate Yours: Water for Elephants

Once again distancing himself from his vampiric role in the cash-guzzling “Twilight” franchise, English heart-throb Robert Pattinson is taking another dip into the un-supernatural romantic drama section. Last year saw him falling for a daughter of a detective in Allen Coulter’s amiable “Remember Me,” and now this year he’s falling for the wife of a circus owner. This is Francis Lawrence’s “Water for Elephants,” and it’s based on Sara Gruen’s much-acclaimed best-selling novel of 2006.

The film is set mostly during the Great Depression and the Prohibition era, the main plot recollected in the modern day by our main character, Jacob Jankowski, whose elderly self is played charmingly by Hal Holbrook (“Into the Wild”). In 1931, Jacob (now played by Pattinson) is told that both of his parents have been killed in a car accident, and that he will lose the family home due to the piles of debt his father left behind. Dropping out of his veterinary science course at college, he is now homeless, taking to wandering down the railroad as a drifter, unaware of where he is going, naively betting on pure chance. (Read More)

Watson


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I Love Movies, But I Hate Yours: Fast Five, Insidious, Beastly

FAST FIVE

I think I’ll have to start this review by stating that I have not seen any of the previous instalments of the “Fast and the Furious” franchise. The series has simply driven past me, never having revved up my interest enough for me to bother taking the franchise for a test drive. However, what with me now writing reviews for all the new cinematic releases, I’ve taken the fifth film for a little spin, and boy, what a ride it is.

“Fast Five” (also known as “Fast and Furious 5,” with an optional addition of “Rio Heist” that can be slapped onto the end) was made with the audience’s enjoyment level in mind. This is a film that knows its audience, knows what its audience likes, and knows what its audience needs; and it gets to delivering these specific requirements almost immediately.

As anyone who even slightly pays attention to the realms of filmdom should know, the “Fast and the Furious” franchise is all about cars, specifically fast cars that can go zoom and vroom. The films could very easily be called elaborate marketing schemes for the motoring companies of the world, the series doing very well to promote all the brand spanking new supercars that cost somewhere around a gazillion dollars. (Read More)

INSIDIOUS

The word “insidious” bursts onto the screen with a thundering score blaring out of the loudspeakers at both sides of the cinema. The title fills the whole screen, coloured in blood red with an ominous font that covers a pitch black background. The music playing is the kind of music that would befit only a horror movie, a nightmarish orchestral piece that’s purpose is to unnerve viewers, the volume turned up specifically to pierce one’s eardrums. This sequence borders upon extreme cheese, but following this title revelation there is no denying that viewers are about to be subjected to a full-blown horror film, one that takes some tips from ’80s pictures of the genre.

“Insidious” is haunted house fair from Malaysian-born Australian filmmaker James Wan, director of the first of the “Saw” franchise — thankfully, his latest feature isn’t all blood and guts and innards and entrails. Instead, “Insidious” spooks viewers through old-school suspense, paying off all the underwear-filling tension with some genuinely inspired scares that will startle anyone with a working pair of eyes and ears. (Read More)

BEASTLY

After watching the opening moments of Daniel Barnz’s “Beastly,” you will have received every piece of information you need to know about the film. It opens with a song called “Vanity,” a Hanover Swain tune that plays over footage of a hunky topless man working out as he smugly grins at himself in the mirror, performing push-ups and chin-ups. The song continues as we are given establishing shots of billboards on which pictures of half-naked men and women are professionally posing for all to see, the tune’s lyrics repeating the word “vanity” over and over again. These introductory scenes work furiously to ram the film’s message down the viewer’s throat until their arms and legs are flailing in the air and they can no longer breathe — by the time the song faded out, I was already gagging.

Yes, “Beastly” is all about vanity, specifically the vanity of the aforementioned mirror-grinner, a blonde-curled, six-packed, slim-jim hunk who’s more arrogant than Kanye West at a music awards show. His name is Kyle Kingston (Alex Pettyfer, “I Am Number Four”), a rich kid, son of a news anchor, lover of himself, and he’s running for student body president at his school. (Read More)

Watson

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