If religion is the opiate of the masses, then Television has got to be the crack cocaine. The archaic notion that somehow we’re all inspired to mimic what we see on TV becomes more and more unfounded when the programs we tend to watch become increasingly like a Vaudevillian Freak Show. The near-extinction of Reality TV is likely beneficial to society; however, while shows like Survivor and Big Brother fade out in the States, similar shows that would normally be one-off shows on FOX are now some of the most watched shows on TLC and the Discovery Channel. How do we live with ourselves, knowing that this is what we find entertaining? How do we function as a society and manage to dress ourselves in the morning when this is our Daily TV Schedule?
The answer, of course, is: we can’t. When we watch this nonsense, our brains shut off and we forget that we’re watching two unfit parents managing a house full of whiney, future-socially-awkward children, or some girl from Nashville Tennessee whose life is now over because Simon Cowell told her she has the droning, bloated and crackling vocal cords of a developmentally disabled crow squawking boisterously out of its cunt.
Oh yes. These are the reasons we watch Television.
We all have ‘em. Although the more studious among us tend to overlook these lackluster Local News sources and look favorably upon the lackluster National News Channels instead, we have to painstakingly acknowledge their existence. In the wide-world of Local News, every day is a slow news day, even if something extremely significant is going on. These are the channels where you’re likely to see Squirrels on Water skis, Feline Fashion Shows, and Creepy Dancing Mascots with ejaculate in their beards.
2. Reality-Style “Game Shows”/Contests
Alright. American Idol should go without saying. Unless you’re morbidly obese and stuck on a love-seat in front of your television, only technically “alive” by virtue of some kind-hearted machine that performs all of your bodily functions for you except drooling, or gayer than Christmas, there is no reason to ever watch American Idol. We watch it for the same reason that electroshock patients watch NASCAR: We’re hoping for a crash. A severe crash. We’re waiting for that moment when (insert pretentious stage-name here) finally snaps like a Slim Jim and rips off Ryan Seacrest’s sack like a paper-towel.
Where would we be if not for the Shakespearean Dramedy of The Jerry Springer Show? Nowhere. That’s where. We’d literally be floating in a purgatory-like emptiness in sub-space. While hovering aimlessly, we may casually drift by Maury‘s soul (which has been missing for over two decades). Also, if you leave the Steve Wilkos show on while you’re out, his piercingly simian voice is lucid enough to frighten away intruders.
4. Ridiculous Viral-Video Shows
For those of us who have been missing out on the time-suck known as the internets, we have the opportunity to view half-a-decade-old footage of babies babbling, pandas sneezing, or a police officer getting Tazed. At least America’s Funniest Home Videos was…oh fuck, I can’t think of a way to finish that sentence. Of course, you always have the option of switching off the TV, but then you may never know true happiness again as long as you live.
5. Pseudo-Education Television on Supposedly Educational Channels
This is a complicated one. Sometimes it’s not completely obvious; however, when you think of The Learning Channel or The Discovery Channel, you associate with them a certain level of educational quality. Such shows on G4 are forgivable because G4 never claims to be an educational channel. Once you give air-time to amateur videographers with Communications degrees who have made a career out of hunting down “ghosts,” you cease to be an educational channel. On the other hand, I suppose I can look past Jon and Kate Plus 8 due to the fact that it educates and informs free-spirited, creative and active men on the dangers of marrying a batshit crazy, baby-hungry cunt.
…sorry, gonna have to stop at 5. The Cosby Show just came on.
PS: Schidt BEER!!!
