Was there a specific moment that slipped by the collective conscious of the entire world, or have we all just gone batshit insane? Either way, we’ve all gone soft on the As Seen on TV product marketing schemes perpetrated by the likes of Billy Mays and Vince Shlomi (a.k.a. The Sham-Wow guy).
I recall a time when the educated American would see a commercial for (insert product name here) on television and change the channel, or at least laugh it off. Now, we’ve become so engrossed in a culture of instant satisfaction that we believe any nonsense claim that a spokesperson shoves down our throat, regardless of the ludicrous fucking impracticality.
While I suppose there’s no harm in spending $9.95 for a cheese grater for your feet or a super-absorbent, well, anything, the more we look past this super-enticing opiate of the masses, the more we will be squeezed in its python-like grasp until we are robbed of cash and oxygen.
Anyone who has a Lionel Coinbank in their home is surely psychotic in such a way that only years of study by a team of analysts could figure out. Similarly with anyone who found a way to purchase this product without collapsing a lung with laughter:
When I was young(er), I was brought up to believe that these commercials were not only asinine, but specifically targeted towards to dimwitted and intellectually bankrupt.
If you honestly need the MagneScribe as much as the individuals in the commercial, you’ve probably been writing all of your lists and important documents in your own feces for the past few years.
The non-product product is the most impressive beast in the As Seen on TV kingdom. The art of creating the insatiable need in the viewer’s mind for a product that they not only don’t need but also already own is a practice these fuckers have mastered well.
I suppose my biggest issue with the resurgence of the As Seen on TV products is the fact that they seem to be everywhere now. Is it just me misremembering my childhood, or did these commercials used to only be on during Grandma’s afternoon Stories and late at night for the impressionable somnambulist/drug-addict crowd? They’re on all the time now–invading the casual television and radio-space of us normals.
As entertainingly idiotic as these commercials are, I’m sincere in my desire for them to go the fuck away forever. In these tough economic times, we need to be spending money wisely…and if I need a new potato peeler, I’ll go for one that isn’t impractically ri-cunting-diculous.
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