Comedian Ryan Shaner performs at the Raven Lounge in Philly on 11/3/11.
Tag Archives: fun
The atmosphere at Murphy’s Tavern in Roxborough is always getting better and more exciting. Trivia night has been going very well and it gets more competitive every week. With prizes ranging from Gift Cards, Free Drink/Food deals, and all different company swag, teams are always bringing their A-Game. We hope to see you all this Wednesday! Here are your top 3 Leaders from last week.
I.B. Illin’: 48
Saul Goodman: 47
Every Wednesday @ Murphy’s Tavern in Roxborough/Philly @ 8:30pm (and don’t forget, FRIDAY night Karaoke!)
Our Leader Board for 8/3/11:
GO HARD- 49
AVERAGE JOE’S GYM-45
CAPTAIN GEECH AND THE SHRIMP SHACK SHOOTERS-42
The first time I ever feature-danced was nerve-rocking. I remember I was doing a Super Bowl special in Miami, for JMH Productions and we had to do girl/girl scenes for the commercials…but we also had to go on stage and dance. It was my first time, so I was shaking like a little piece of paper on stage. But I did it and I made 26 dollars in one dollar bills…lol
With the power of a god, I would make every woman bisexual–that is so hot…Grrr I love it.
I’ve always considered myself a nice, intelligent girl, but the nice part is not all the time. I don’t have patience, so people get under my skin pretty fast. I guess they like the bitch side of me. lol
I can’t stand when Motherfuckers try to take advantage of me…Grrrrrrr! Like I said before, I look dumb but I’m not. Don’t let the face fool you!
When I was a kid, I was fat, but I was cute
If my life were a crappy romantic comedy, it would be something like that Couples Retreat movie.
The worst advice I ever got was from my mom. She is horrible with addresses and driving directions.
God dammit, I wish I could have a Red Bull right now. I can’t live without it.
I think one of the shittiest things I’ve ever done was fuck my neighbor’s wife. We actually did a threesome: the 2 of us and my husband.
One thing you should know about me is that I am workaholic and kind of a control freak. I like everything in place and want everything to be my way!
(for more from Diamond Kitty, visit her site!)
(return to MAIN PAGE)
The first time I ever realized my attraction to women I was 14, and watching the sexy Chasey Lain video.
With the power of a god, I would seduce every single man and woman on this planet. I would be Miss Babalon.
I’ve always considered myself a nerd.
I can’t stand when motherfuckers can’t drive!!! This is why I refuse to drive in Los Angeles, these fuckers have no idea how to drive!!!!!!!!!
When I was a kid, I would go up to random people and start singing for them, or acting out something.. My mom has a video of me doing it when I was 4. lol
If my life were a crappy romantic comedy, it would end in double homicide. I hate chick flick crap.
The worst advice I ever got was to believe in God. My parents lied..
God dammit, I wish I could have a Hitachi wand!
I think that one of the shittiest things that I’ve ever done was when I kept pwning an alliance toon on my rogue, and kept killing them when they rez’d. Eventually, they just rez’d at the spirit healer, and then I was bored, and found another silly little ally.
One thing you should know about me is that I am a total nerd.. get it yet?
(for more of the amazing Cherry Ferretti–click here!)
(return to MAIN PAGE)
I was sitting on the Southwest Airplane, going to San Francisco to shoot some awesome porn, when I decided to write this list on a barf bag! I didn’t have anything else to write on so I said fuck it; at least it makes a great picture!
A few months back, Alex wrote a Guide to Un-Sexy… I thought it was pretty good…. So I am going to be a copy cat and make my own Guide! Now that you know what to steer clear of… I want you to know what is really sexy! No whale-tails are not sexy… but a cute set of matching bra and panties are! For the girls who need some advice to the guys that need help in the sack… I am here to help!
Angelina Jolie: This woman is so exotic and gorgeous and I don’t know anyone who can disagree with that fact. Based just on her looks, she is a 10; then when you take into consideration all the help she had given to children around the world… she is definitely a keeper in my book. She is the only woman I know who can go from shooting an action packed movie like Tomb Raider to being the hottest MILF around!
(Runners up: Athletes, Australians, Acrobatics)
Boy Shorts: There is something about boy shorts that make me wanna masturbate in a public bathroom! JK! All jokes aside… I love the look of a juicy booty in a pair of super cute Spider-Man boy shorts. They are sexy, yet cute, and not slutty, like thongs
(Runners up: Brazilians, Bull-Dikes, Black men)
Confidence: When a man or woman has confidence it is a huge turn on! Us women like men that are courageous and have that manly attitude. I like a man who has confidence… it means to me that he will be successful at whatever he does! I need a man who knows he is worth something… a man who lacks confidence is worthless.
(Runners up: California, Comedians, Condoms)
Dave Grohl: I was on a plane when I figured out who Mr. Grohl was! Steve Almond wrote a great article about him and I hope you all can read it one day! It’s from his book Rock and Roll Will Save Your Life. Grohl was the drummer for Nirvana. When they split, he created Foo Fighters and is the front man and songwriter for them. In the article, Almond shows his human side; the man who takes care of his family and stays loyal. After all of the rock and roll groupies and drugs and drama, he stuck with his family and that is the sexiest part about this man.
(Runners up: Depilation, DWA, daddy-type)
Exhibitionism: also known as flashing, is behavior by a person that involves the exposure of private parts of their body to another person in a situation when they would not normally be exposed, with a tendency toward the extravagant. It is sexy to me and turns me on when I watch the execution of a sexual act
(Runners up: Exfoliation, Education, Erections)
Foreplay: There is nothing hotter than a man who loves to please! I LOVE foreplay. I think it leads up to the sex in such a beneficial way for both parties. If the playing around before the big show is fun then you know you are going to have the best orgasm. Foreplay also gives you different insight into a guy–how playful he gets. If he gets creative or outgoing, then he is a good partner. If he always wants to skip the playtime and go straight to the sex… well he is UNSEXY and won’t last long with me.
(Runners up: Fisting, Fantasy Football, Fudge)
Geeks: I have love for the nerds, jocks, Goths, queers, and preps… but I LOVE GEEKS! If it weren’t for them I wouldn’t have discovered my love for science, or graduated high school. Another thing I can thank them for is this dream I continue to have about banging the fuck out of this really cute Matt Damon crossed with Seth Rogen Geek fantasy boy. These days, if you don’t have a pair of Ray Bans… you are not SEXY!
(Runners up: Glasses, Gynecologists, Google)
Hybrids: I am sexy right? That is because for my first new car… I bought a hybrid. What is more attractive than a man or woman showing that they care about the environment!? Not only do the people who drive hybrids have more money in their pockets… but they are usually pretty interesting characters.
(Runners up: Harry Potter, Hair Gel, Hot days)
Isis Love: I have never met anyone sexier than this woman right here. Yeah, she has huge boobs and a tiny waist, but that is not what makes her so damn attractive to me. It’s her Dominatrix work that she does for KINK.com, and the way she cares about people. I think she is so damn sexy that, if I could, I would kidnap her and marry her ass! She is the sweetest girl I have met in this business and that’s what makes her sexy!
(Runners up: Ice Cream, Indoor Sports, Inclusive Hookers!)
Jogging: Come on! Do I really have to write anything about this one?…just picture this with me for a second. Close your eyes. Imagine you are sitting on a park bench on a nice summer day. The birds are chirping and you feel great. You look around to see all these beautiful people playing sports and jogging around the lake… you realize a lot of these people are gorgeous women with nothing but their tight bodies and spandex gear on! ‘nuff said!
(Runners up: Jewelry, James Deen, Jocks)
Koprolagnia: This is where my twisted side shows a little. This term basically means that I get sexual gratification by performing disgusting acts of self humiliation. I think it is sexy when you discover what turns you on… even if it is the strangest thing in the world!
(Runners up: Kegels, Klondike Bars, Kodak Porn)
Lipstick Lesbians: The first time I knew that I was bi-sexual was when a lipstick lesbian kissed me and had her way with me in her bedroom. Granted I was only 10, but I still knew I liked girls. As I got older, I found myself attracted to beautiful women who were like me but had that lesbian vibe to them a little more. They still wear makeup, cute girly clothes… but they are only attracted to women. There is nothing more SEXY than two gorgeous women making out in a public place.
(Runners up: Lindsay Lohan, Lactaid, Loot)
Motorcycles: Since the age of five I have loved Harley Davidsons. They are just so damn sexy with the sound of the engine starting up to the hairy, tatted up biker guy sitting on it! I can’t wait until the day I own one… until then I will settle with looking at magazines of hot girls posing on them. Who knows? I might even do a photo set myself!
(Runners up: Mud Wrestling, MILFs, Margaritas)
Nullipara: This is a term to describe women that have never had children. Yes MILFs are hot… but me personally… I like when the vagina I will be licking hasn’t already pushed a human out of it… there is just something sexy about a semi-virgin pussy…
(Runners up: Nasty Talk, Nick at Nite, Noses)
Osculation: Like I said earlier: I love foreplay. The one thing I love more than that is kissing! I love the way soft, full lips feel pressed against mine. It is even sexier when I get to watch other people kiss. It is just so passionate and romantic.
(Runners up: Oily Butts, Ownership, Overnighters)
Personal Hygiene: I don’t know how many times I have gone on set to find a guy that either has bad B.O. or his cock smells like he just fucked a whole strip club. GUYS! WHEN YOU WANT TO COME OFF AS SEXY TO ANOTHER PERSON… WASH YOUR PITS AND YOUR PRIVATE PARTS! Please! When I smell a man that smells fresh and he has some good cologne on… oooo boy!
(Runners up: Porn Stars, Personal Trainers, Pedicures)
Queer: Honestly… sometimes I wish I was a queer boy. They are so sexy that it makes me hot thinking about them. The way they dress to the way that they care about how they look! I love when people are outgoing and don’t give a fuck what people will say to them. I have found in my life that a good best friend is semi-queer…. in my eyes that makes them good enough to be on my list of sexy!
(Runners up: Queens, Quagmire, Quails)
Reproductive Freedom: For years and years women have been forced to act a certain way and obey the orders of their husbands. Now women are free to choose if they want to keep their baby or not. They also get to choose if they want to have kids at all! I think it’s very attractive when a woman can make decisions for herself. Once the stigma around certain things women can do is erased, I think the idea of reproductive freedom could be a very sexy topic!
(Runners up: Race Car Drivers, Regular HIV testing, Rachel McAdams)
Sarah Palin: I think the only reason she popped into my head was the porno they made about her. I mean seriously… if you are a politician you shouldn’t be sexy… but this broad is a grandmother on top of that! I love how she comes off as a total cunt… she is still sexy to me!
(Runners up: Stoners, Sun Sets, Stockings)
Tara Lynn Foxx: I know I know! I am full of myself! I have good reason to though! I do porn and love every second of it! I have amazing deep throating skills and I can cook. If I am on the rag I give BJs to make up for it! And ummm…. Oh ya I made you laugh once or twice… to me, I would say I am sexy!
(Runners up: Tattoos, Tom Boys, Testing Monthly)
Uniforms: There is something about them that makes me want to sexually attack anyone wearing one. I think it’s the picture of power that they serve. It doesn’t matter if it’s a girl at a catholic school or a fireman putting out the fire he started in my heart… tee hee! Uniforms equal a definite quickie for me!
(Runners up: Underwear, UV lights, Underground hip hop)
Vincilangia: Obviously, this had to be on my list. This basically means sexual arousal from bondage; the desire to possess women rendered helpless by fetters, such as ropes, tape or chains. The look and feel of it is so powerful and erotic it had to be on this list!!!
(Runners up: Violets, Variety, Violins)
Wank-Pit: This is a British term for masturbation. If you think this should not be on this list–think again! I get very turned on by the idea of men and women playing with their sacred private parts to give them pleasure while they watch my movies.
(Runners up: White Teeth, Women, Working Girls)
Xenerotica: This is the condition I have! LOL…It basically means having sexual attractions to strangers… However, I think my condition is beyond repair. I love to fantasize about people I have never met that sit next to me on the plane, or waiting in line at the grocery store… I love stranger danger.
(Runners up: x-rated, x-sex, xassafrassed)
Yaffle: I love when a girl has a cock in her mouth! There is not much sexier than a good BJ! I mean, come on you didn’t know that’s what “yaffle” meant! LOL
(Runners up: Yes- Girl, Yodeler, Yo-Yo)
Zoftig: Pleasantly plump women are very fun if you make them feel beautiful and tell them how much you love their figure. There is a difference between too fat and thick… Remember that. Zoftigs are really sexy because they have more to them than just skin and bone. A woman with curves is what gets me going.
(Runers up: Zorber, Zoob, Zeppelins)
(return to MAIN PAGE)
I fucking hate it when assholes say, “9/11 was an inside job.” It takes a special brand of cunt to blindly blame the George Bush for the deaths of thousands of people. There are thousands of deaths that you can blame on Bush…so why grasp at straws?
The point is that whether or not 9/11 was an inside job is not your place to determine. You don’t know, and any speculation you make will only result in you looking like–well–a very special brand of cunt. So, let’s drop it.
Our focus today is on the events that unfolded this week involving Northwest Airlines Flight 253 and the speculation that has already built around the incident.
When the Bush administration addressed the public after the events of September 11, 2001, their message was simple: Be Afraid…but keep spending money.
To compare 9/11 to the latest attempt by a young Nigerian man to set his pants on fire would be an insult to just about everything; however, Obama’s reaction symbolizes a certain degree of that “Change” we were all repeatedly promised.
Republicans are rushing to get their revenge on liberals for questioning Bush’s motives and actions after 9/11. They are throwing blame at Obama for the Nigerian ‘terrorist’s’ actions…or lack of actions. Why? Because. That’s why.
In an effort to remain optimistic, presume nothing, and not cause widespread panic, President Obama has chosen to refrain from saying too much, too soon. Now, Bush pulled the same stunt–this is true. He took some time off to reflect and consider his options; however, this was after deciding to send our troops on an extended vacation to the dunes.
War is a strange phenomenon. Like falling it love, it seems to be the only activity that men claim to do everything in their power to prevent…yet simultaneously do everything in their power to begin.
George Orwell once claimed that “…in a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act,” and this truth has been self-evident throughout America’s history of war.
It is convenient that in the advent of an act or predetermined war, a malicious and calculated attack that America “could not possibly have prevented” occurs, serving to completely justify our actions.
During WWI, Woodrow Wilson kept us out of war even when the Lusitania was attacked. It was the infamous ‘Zimmerman Note’ that led America to war–its validity is still disputed to this day.
The attack on Pearl Harbor, which launched America into WWII is even questioned by some veterans who felt that this attack was forewarned.
Jump ahead to the wars today. Whenever there is a surge, or an advance on an already existing war, a terrorist act is foiled, a mysterious figure is found during a “random” search, or some pie-eyed fuckwit tries to blow up his pants on a plane.
While there is little-to-no evidence to suggest that these events are in some way contrived, they continue to be a little too convenient…a little too “false flag.”
A “false flag” is an event is deliberately orchestrated to make an attack seem like it was the work of an outside entity. It comes from the 1933 arson attack on the German Reichstag building. Hitler used the attack to issue a series of retractions on personal freedoms in order to “better ensure” the stability of the state.
It is still unclear who started the Reichstag fire–but when the Patriot Act was passed, it was accepted without debate.
While I am not promoting the violent overthrow of government, nor am I advocating bullshit conspiracy theory, I am requiring you to start being wary of the news you hear, whether domestic or abroad.
We’ve spent the last nine years learning not to trust our leaders–and it’s time that we remember how angry we were the last time we went to war. No politician has all the answers–and Obama’s war is no different than Bush’s.
Be suspicious of your elected officials until they prove to you that they are on the level. Don’t take anyone for granted–even if it is charming chocolate Jesus.
(return to MAIN PAGE)
For the record, I am not a huge fan of RTS (Real Time Strategy). I suppose I was never meant to be a god…or a general…or a leader in any way, shape, or form. Commanding and Conquering large imaginary armies across an exotic turrain while casually checking my Facebook just doesn’t work for me; but for some reason, Fat Princess does.
Fat Princess isn’t exactly a fully traditional RTS, but it certainly feels like one and contains the most important elements: The sprawling and often inscrutable landscapes, the two warring factions, and the gaming fags who rack up billions of experience points in the game and then taunt you over the internet for playing it casually.
Let’s start with the story. Two kingdoms had a misunderstanding and went to war over princesses eating cake…that’s about it. Fuck it, if you have a Red Kingdom less than a mile away from a Blue Kingdom, you have to expect that some shit’s going to go down.
When playing the Single Player, there is certainly a lot of fun and action, but you don’t get the satisfaction of pwning 13-year-olds via online playing.
Essentially, in the main quests of the game, your castle has captured the other castle’s princess, and vice versa. You must keep the captured princess in your castle, while working as a team to get YOUR princess back from the opponent. In order to make this task more difficult, your opponent has been feeding your princess cake to make her heavier.
Character design is a decent feature for those who want some customization. There aren’t a ton of customization options, but everyone just turns their little character green with a red mohawk anyway.
Me, on the other hand…I choose to turn my little avatar into a cross between Thor and Zach Galafianakis…
Your avatar represents you in the game, and you only control one character who respawns every time you die…and you will die…a lot–especially in the online games.
Fat Princess has gotten loads of good scores from game critics, but fuck what they think. If you like old-school style capture the flag games and have a decent sense of humor, you’ll love it. And even though online play is frustrating as fuck, it feels like you’ve actually accomplished something when you win…but you have to keep playing, or else you’ll be forced to re-enter a world where you’re a disgusting loser with a body like fucking Grover.
(return to MAIN PAGE)
Following a severely damaging loss by the Phillies on Halloween night, I couldn’t bring myself to feel much more than a long line of painful fucking disappointments. What’s the old saying? “When life gives you lemons…kill yourself.”
This all spawned from one deep and emotional conversation involving a childhood memory and a long strand of let-downs beginning with a toy maker 1994.
There was this guy called Robert B. Fuhrer, who did not have a very good name to be in the toy industry in the first place. If he was getting into this business, he should’ve changed his last name to FUNner or something–just so he didn’t sound like a fucking Nazi.
Anyway, this Nazi started his career in 1990* with an instant classic game called Crocodile Dentist. It became an instant classic when every douchebag kid would cry until they got it, only to find out that the game sucked ass.
If you don’t remember–or you had a shitty childhood–Crocodile Dentist consisted of players taking turns yanking out the teeth of a helpless plastic animal before his jaw snapped shut, pinching or dislocating your fingers.
Then, the Fuhrer turned around and said to an imaginary associate (for the purpose of this fake story), “You know what kids would love more than jamming their fingers into a heavy plastic trap?”
“No, what?” responded the imaginary toy-maker.
“A golf game that throws the ball back at you!” Fuhrer screamed in his stupid face.
The imaginary toy-maker thought about this for a while, and soon responded, “Sounds like the greatest fucking idea I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life,” which was an odd manner for an imaginary employee in the toy industry to conduct himself.
“But,” continued the fictitious man, “You’ve already done a Crocodile game…what did you have in mind for this one? A Hippo perhaps?” Because Hippos and mini golf merge so well together.
“No!” exclaimed the Fuhrer while shitting his pants,”Crocodiles! Crocodiles all around!”
And thus, Crocodile Golf was born–and then promptly changed to Gator Golf, because it sounded more bad-ass.
If you don’t remember Gator Golf…what’s wrong with you?
Look at how much fun those fucking kids are having! They’re even willing to trust an Alligator in a suit (something you should never ever do) just to play it!
Then, they talk their functionally retarded dad into playing it and he fucking misses. How?!
His son knows the score though…he basically screams, “Get out of my way, faggot! I’ll show you how men play golf!” What a great sport.
So how did Fuhrer contribute to my crippling depression? In the commercial, they raise the question: “What could be greater than golf with a gator?” A charming and praiseworthy rhyme, I must say.
But the question is what bothers me so much. What could be greater than golf with a gator? I don’t know! And I fear that I’ll never know. Every moment of my life is an agonizing step backwards, forever chasing that ultimate high which I know I will never again achieve.
What could be greater than golf with a gator? Nothing. And when this is how you live your life, every day god is mocking you.
(return to MAIN PAGE)
*A fact that I made up.
Allow me to begin with a bit of unconventional news. It was a typical Friday night at a Karaoke Bar in Stamford, Connecticut when shit went south. When a 25-year old girl started singing a Juanes song, 6 bitches got hostile. First, the shouting and booing escalated…which is understandable. Then, these 6 women viciously attacked the singer–punching, kicking, chipping teeth and pulling hair. The woman wasn’t significantly injured, but judging by the mugshots, the 6 attackers were hit by a fucking bus.
I’d be amazed if this fight weren’t instigated in some way, but who cares? The truly terrifying post-script to this karaoke tragedy was the report that this wasn’t the first tone-deaf-related clusterfuck that made national news…and hopefully won’t be the last.
In 2007, a Seattle man was flogged after his attempt at a Coldplay song, and last November, a Wisconsin man was jumped after trying his luck at Ronnie James Dio. But, what if the last guy deserved it?
Karaoke is lots of fun, and if you’ve never done it, shame on you. Even if you have no sense of tone, pitch, or rhythm, karaoke can still be you’re friend. The beauty of karaoke is the fact that no one takes it seriously–but I suppose that the previously mentioned individuals were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
It’s not about talent, it’s about having fun–but that being said–let’s go over some important ground rules that will prevent you from making the biggest mistake of your life, or…getting yourself killed (which may also be a mistake).
1. Pick a song that you can sing–and even if you can’t sing it–know you can’t sing it. Power ballads and epic heavy metal triumphs are always beautiful karaoke staples, but if you can’t sing it, don’t try. If you happen to pick a 6-minute Meatloaf opus, get drunk, have fun with it, and fuck off before everyone in the bar finds out where you live.
2. Try to stick to songs that people are going to enjoy. Nobody wants to hear Don’t Stop Believin’ all night, but throw in some classic rock gems that won’t make people cringe. Furthermore, judge your audience before choosing your song. If it’s a hipster bar, you can pretty much get away with anything because they’ll just assume that you were singing that shitty song to be ironic.
3. Don’t sing Weird Al Yankovic. It’s important that you keep the novelty songs to an almost-invisible minimum. Show tunes and Theme Songs are acceptable sometimes, but karaoke is about having fun, not being hated by everyone in the room. The reason Mr. Yankovic gets particular mention is that his songs are parody-songs (the worst kind of novelty). This will infuriate your audience beyond compare. Have you ever heard the intro to your favorite song on the radio and when the voice chimes in, it’s Weird fucking Al? I rest my case.
4. Make friends, sing duets, and take requests. Unless you’re the most annoying person on the planet, people will clap for you whether you suck or not. Don’t take this to mean that everyone thought you were great. If people reallydug you, most of the time, they’d say it to your face. When everyone’s drunk, they get very complementary, or extremely critical; however, nobody wants to shit on another singer because no one has a “karaoke comfort zone.” If you’re fun, outgoing, and a semi-decent singer, maybe someone will say “great job,” “good song choice,” or, “will you sing this song with me?” And who knows? You may even get a date out of it…*
*You almost certainly won’t get a date out of it.
5. Don’t start shit during karaoke. When someone is standing in front of (or amongst) a crowd of people holding nothing but a shaky microphone, you’d only be more vulnerable if you were naked. This puts a certain responsibility on the shoulders of the audience and bar patrons to behave themselves for at least 4 minutes.
Don’t, for example, stand up and shout, “I will fucking fight you!” in a Canadian hotel bar while someone softly whispers Elton John lyrics, terrified that a fight may actually ensue.
And, unless you know the person who’s singing–and know that they’ll know you’re kidding–don’t “boo” anyone. Starting shit during karaoke is like shitting the bed and throwing someone under the bus at the same time (which is challenging if you’ve ever tried it). Karaoke is supposed to be relaxing and fun–and if you’re one of those people who simply choose to “opt out,” you’re probably not going to have a significantly entertaining evening.
…because the only thing that makes up for listening to four fat chicks wailing 80′s crap rock at the top of their lungs (with one fucking microphone)…is when you get your own opportunity to make an asshole out of yourself.
(return to MAIN PAGE)