As a porn website reviewer for XXXpwnage.com, I’ve seen a huge number of sites, scenes, and performers over the past couple of years doing lots of wild and weird things. It’s been quite an interesting experience and I’ve learned a lot in the process (well, maybe I shouldn’t admit that!), but I thought it would be entertaining to share with you some of the funnier website titles that I’ve encountered along my smut journey.
Let’s face it, nearly all porn titles are inherently pretty crazy, but some stick in my mind a bit more than others. Even though these titles are funny, the sites themselves are pretty good and I’ve reviewed many of them, so it’s not a reflection whatsoever on their content. Midget porn, amputee porn, granny porn….it’s quite a ride! So, here’s a brief sample of the titles that I’ve found to be particularly funny (or disturbing?)…
Little Mutt.com (not mutts by any means, erotic chicks!)
Pee Pee Babes.com
Salami Brothers (Comedy Porn – hey, who wouldn’t want to fuck a chick dressed like Raggedy Ann at a lemonade stand?)
Goth Gang Bang.com
With the porn industry’s super competitive need to cater to every imaginable sexual niche, genre and fetish out there, they work overtime to accomplish their sacred mission: keeping you pervs happy!
In addition to these real porn site titles, I thought it would be amusing to make a fictional list of websites I’d like to see, and with so much smut swirling through my brain, it was embarrassingly easy! As easy as falling off a log (or a cock! am I blushing? naaaaaaaaah! I forgot how to blush awhile ago!).
Who knows, you might actually run across some of these titles someday! ( I suppose all the porn producers reading this just got a lot of freaky new ideas for free. Damn!)
Without further adieu, here are the ridiculous porn titles I’d like to see:
You Broke My Dick, Bitch!.com
Eat My 90 Inches.com
Nursing Home Orgy.com
Spit On My Wife.com
Fuck My Stump.com
Cooking With Cum.com
Bondage For Dummies.com
My Daughter Fucks Better Than Your Daughter.com
10 Million Tranny Gang Bang.com
Yeast Infection Cam.com
Tit Monsters.com (hmm, that might already be out there!)
Euromaniac Cum Dumpsters.com
Diaper My Daddy.com
Blowjob Cheerleader Zombies.com
I could go on all day with this creative little project, but I think you get the idea.
Obviously, I’ve been reviewing wayyy too much porn to “cum” up with a twisted list like this! So, I’ll take a healthy time out now, sipping my conservative cup of Earl Gray tea and reading a Harlequin romance to purify my soul.
Yeah, right! Without crazy titles, porn wouldn’t be the porn we all know and love – what would the world be without The Amputee doing his thing? (albeit carefully balanced on one leg! Or is it two? lol)
If I have aroused your curiosity about the sites we’ve reviewed with titles like Midgetcum., Little Mutt or Lollybadcock (UK porn at its finest), visit XXXpwnage.com and read our reviews – you’re sure to find a lot more weird stuff lurking around………guaranteed!
–Honey West (Adult Web Reviewer)
As long as it’s a hot topic, let’s discuss the actions of Kanye West during the MTV VMA’s, shall we? First of all–the actions took place at an award ceremony so ridiculous and unimportant–a locale so prone to spectacle–that its entire title is an acronym. Even in its name, it is screaming, “This is an entertainment show…it is not–we repeat NOT–a legitimate award ceremony.” It’s like the motherfucking Teen Choice Awards, people…grow the fuck up.
Another person who needs to grow the fuck up is Kanye West (see, I’m on your side, too).
There is a serious disconnect between his talent and his ego, and that needs to find its way into Check Mate as soon as humanly possible. Jay-Z describes West as a “genius.” Fact. I would disagree with Mr. Z, respectfully. Kanye West is not a genius. He’s an artist and a talented musician, no doubt. However, genius describes a certain knowingness and a level of unprecedented brilliance that comes along every once in a blue moon.
Let’s take The Beatles for example. As musicians, would you consider them to be “genius?” That’s a real question. Feel free to comment…because I don’t know. I would consider them the best band in musical history…but are they more “genius” than Beethoven? Mozart?
If Kanye West is “genius,” where does that leave Jay-Z? He would never say that West is better than he is…so what does that make Hova? Is Jay-Z some kind of god-man?
I’m getting off topic…excuse me. Let’s look at a random Facebook comment:
“kaynes a racist mother fucker who deserves to get shot”
Really? At what point between, “George Bush doesn’t care about Black People,” and, “I’m really happy for you…but Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time,” do we say: That’s it Kanye…someone should shoot you down.…???!?!?!
First off, nobody should get shot; no matter if you’re a merely loud-mouth rapper or a Neo-Nazi fuckhead…nobody should be gunned down. Ever.
I’m sure that this individual on Facebook wasn’t thinking with a clear head, but anyone who actually thinks this should probably stay indoors for their entire life.
(Rewind) Taylor Swift is a talented young artist and she deserved her moment in the sun…and Kanye West “ruined” that. Beyonce (wife of Kanye West’s BFF Jay-Z) had the decency to give Taylor Swift her moment back. But did Kanye’s actions really hurt Taylor Swift? Undoubtedly, she’s received more recognition NOW than EVER!
My fucking MOM probably never heard of Taylor Swift…and now her news channels are buzzing her name all day. Are you happy now, America? Now EVERYONE knows who Taylor Swift is!
Does Taylor Swift have more talent and potential than Beyonce? Of course not…but that doesn’t mean she should be denied her spotlight.
It wasn’t even for fucking BEST SONG…it was for BEST VIDEO! Should fucking any fucking artist be recognized for their music video?! FUCK NO!
The music video is solely the vision of the people who MADE that video.
America…MTV…it’s time to chillax (white people are the only people who use that term anymore anyways). Kanye, you’re never going to gain anything by pulling this shit. And the next time your publicist tells you to apologize, say “no.” That way, only the people who actually like you will continue to pay attention.
In conclusion, America, we have so much shit on our plate right now. This is a distraction–to say the least–from real issues and real problems. I’m not going to tell you what to think. I want YOU to tell ME how you feel. But to sum it up, for me, I’d be fine laughing at Kanye’s antics while appreciating his music.
Music is one of the strongest things humanity has going for it. It’s bigger than politics; bigger than religion. Music will always be around; and if you throw out Kanye West, there’s a fucking billion other up-and-coming young artists to take his place…your college room-mate is just too fucking lazy to be famous. Isn’t writing easier when you just polished off a bottle of Brandy?
(return to MAIN PAGE)
Hey you, I’m @AmberChase, and I have a confession…. I love @Twitter, I mean really; I have met so many cool people through Twitter – face to face even, and sometimes more. In fact, I wouldn’t be writing to you cuties if I hadn’t met @SuperDPS through Twitter. I love how it connects me to people, random people, and of course the fans (the few of you out there <3 totally rock). It’s fascinating and slightly addicting, and if it weren’t for the @SPAM, it’d be the ultimate for succinct social networking.
The 140 character limit makes one very aware of the way a person uses their words. I’ve been kicked off Facebook before; but now I update FB, MySpace and Twitter simultaneously, so I try not to use “obscene” language too often, but I frequently describe “obscene” things right from my phone where ever I am.
I know that doesn’t really seem like a big deal since there are so many social media tools out there nowadays and everything has an App. But this is different because Twitter has even improved my sex life.
Well, maybe that’s not the correct way to say it, because anyone who’s seen me in action knows that I have a pretty awesome sex life. So, what I mean to say is that I have fucked so many of my Twitter friends that it’s extra fun to flirt on Twitter. Yes, technically I met @Mistyhazetoday through @xpeeps but I did turn her on to Twitter when I went to Colorado to get naughty with that sweet little bitch and get some ass fucking lessons from her at the same time.
I told her how much fun I have teasing my Twitter buddies with what a naughty girl I’ve been. And now I’m always making her horny with my updates… she ‘tweets’ me all the time.
I’m always trying to hook up on Twitter. As soon as I found out I was going to do a scene with @ThePrinzess and @CeCeStone for @Girlfriendsfilm, I immediately looked them up on Twitter. I was so horny thinking about what we might do to each other that we started messaging back and forth… and publicly too.
Those girls are so naughty, I <3 tweeting with them. It was so funny, I didn’t even realize that April O’Neil was following me until I was talking about watching my scene on Lesbian Adventures I Love to Trib directed by @NicaNoelle. I didn’t realize that @Undeux was the sweet little spinner girl that I mashed pussies with until we were said to be engaged in the most passionate, furiously intense missionary trib ever captured on film.
Some of my Twitter buddies are from my past. I met @Zaydaj on a CraigsList‘s casual encounters ad two years ago, before I even knew about Twitter, but when she signed up and read my tweets, it made her all warm inside.
And I might have met @Xkendrasecretsx initially on MySpace, but after we went out to dinner together at the Cheesecake Factory, it just became so much easier to keep in touch. So that’s how I know that @MsKendraSecrets is a fake. And based on my interview with Ron Jeremy at @Seattlehempfest, I think that @Rjeremy is a phony, too.
But even though some people aren’t who they say they are on Twitter, from doing interviews at @SeattleHempfest, I did get to become good buddies with @RadicalRuss who does the daily audio stash and live radio broadcasts for @NORML.
Beyond that, now I’m Twitter buddies with @Edrosenthal, who–aside from being totally gracious to share a bit of his time with us–also smoked hash with me during our interview describing the tomato model for taxing cannabis. I think it was pretty good because I forgot to ask @Interstate_420 for a complimentary tank top of their refer camo gear and plum ran out of time to interview @Thcfoundation, but I’ll catch them at Hempstalk.
@StonerNation started following me and from our conversations we are starting to develop a website called Pot Princess, which I’m totally excited about. But that’s what it’s all about right?
My ‘tweets’ about my @Seattlehempfest experience encouraged @SparklePixiee to join CannaBabes. She’s an ‘honorary babe’ since I’ve only met her online. Regardless, I was thrilled to I found out about the Miss High Times blog and contest through @HIGH_TIMES_Mag from reading @flowertucci (…who isn’t even following me back). But…I heard that she had good tweets from @KhristyCreams, a gal who first started to get to know me through Xpeeps, but was one of my first followers on Twitter. I haven’t actually met her face to face, since she’s in Germany right now, but I keep telling her I’d love to hear her sexy voice.
Twitter should develop a service that connects users by voice and/or video conference for a nominal fee. That’s one way they might be able to make their service profitable…hmmm–I don’t know…
But I do know that @Confab_Lab found me through twitter and I’ll be doing a email based interview which them that might have been facilitated by such a program. Maybe if Twitter had that feature, @Haileyyoungxxx might have had a better connection than using Skype during our interview on @TheFreakSquad’s podcast. It was so wild during that interview. I really let my inhibitions go.
After our chatting, our conversation turned naughty and I ended up getting my sweet little pussy off twice during our interview. Man, if I had that musically synced vibrator that @Ohmibod is sending me with me during our podcast–wouldn’t that have been amazing!? Both @thefreaksquad and @Ohmibod connected with me on Twitter…so maybe you can too.
(return to MAIN PAGE)
Many would argue that there is really no such thing as a “shitty tattoo.” It can be poorly done, a divisive image, or in a bad location, but any work of art (no matter how creative) on the body is arguably “un-shitty.” I disagree entirely–surprise! And this is coming from someone with only two tattoos: a pin-up girl and the RNA symbol from Heroes. That’s right! But just for the sake of argument, allow me to attempt to prove my stated hypothesis.
Exhibit A: What the fuck?
Unless your tattoo is an obscure reference to a specific thing or event in your own life, the general purpose of the art is for people to know what they’re looking at. You might be able to get away with an extremely decorative sleeve of tattoos–such a feat that one might actually take the time to study your entire arm canvas. However, once you decide, “I’m going to get a tattoo with no discernible border. Something that looks like a flamboyant rash, perhaps?”…you should really never be allowed to decide anything ever again.
Exhibit B: Illiteracy.
There is nothing fundamentally wrong with the illiterate and mentally unstable decorating their bodies with images and messages, but (barring an embarrassing removal) they must know that they will be stuck with this brand for the rest of their lives.
When we see these literary abominations in photographs, we can’t help but laugh–laugh for the undoubtedly retarded tattoo artist who slaved over this canvas of skin only to have it become the bane of his existence; but most importantly, laugh at the jackass who shows off his shit online in hopes that the Internet community will somehow be anything less than relentless.
Exhibit C: The Douche Chill
It’s a fucking shame that I didn’t take this picture myself. I could have put it in Dress Down Day. The 1990′s was a troubling decade. Individuals had to find new and interesting ways to express themselves. All your grunge friends start wearing flannel and torn denim, your fat friend starts wearing wolf-shirts and wants to be called “Wolf,” the pretty blond chick shaves her head, and last–but not least–you go batshit insane and scream, “WhatifIgetICEtattooedallovermyselfwouldyouguyscallmeMrCoolIce?!GREAT!” as you scamper with arms flailing into a back-alley tattoo shop.
Exhibit D: Seemed like a good idea at the time…
There’s a certain understanding that goes with getting your first (and maybe last) tattoo. It’s the acceptance that for the rest of your life, this will be who you are. There’s nothing wrong with a band tattoo, sports tattoo, or pride tattoo as long as you fully understand that you may have to feign interest in whatever you choose to claim undying adoration towards for the rest of your natural life. In some cases, though, putting a quick and easy end to your life may be a viable solution.
Exhibit E: “You’re scaring people.”
Although there are many examples on the type of tattoos that make people feel needlessly uncomfortable, I found it necessary to focus on one in particular. People who get tattoos on the backs of their heads shouldn’t be allowed to leave their homes. One of the advantages to having scary gang members and white supremacists sport symbolic tattoos is that you know who they are and you stay away. When a redneck walks into the restaurant in which you happen to be dining, you shouldn’t have to worry…the problem comes when you’re faced to discern which face is real and which is a tattoo.
Exhibit F: The Portrait
Very few tattoo artists can pull off the portrait; and you don’t know any of them. What starts out as an innocent photo of your wife, girlfriend, or loved one can easily be twisted and deformed to the point that it resembles a cacophony of demonic gremlins joyously sodomizing Barbara Streisand. I’m not saying that getting a photo-realistic portrait is a bad decision, but…if you haven’t done it–don’t.
Exhibit G: The Why?
I’m all for weird and intriguing tattoos. It’s noble to have a good sense of humor about yourself and your body, and getting a funny tattoo is an excellent way of showing it. Originality and creativity are your friends, but some tattoo decisions simply cause people to ask: “WHY?” What would persuade someone to make some of these absurd decisions? Drunkenness? A dare? Or perhaps just a lackluster understanding of what is quirky/fun and compared to a tattoo of a fucking chair.
A tattoo conveys a message to those who see it. It says something about who you are; like a tribal tattoo says you’re probably an asshole. Tattoos like this cement the idea that either you have an infinitesimal personality, or you were repeatedly beaten about the cranium with a sock full of batteries and bad ideas.
Exhibit H: Is your tattoo artist 7?
When acquiring a tattoo, sometimes it is often customary to have the artist either draw it first onto a transfer-sheet, or simply draw it first on your body so that you know exactly what it is going to look like. Once we accept this as fact, it is only fair to deride those who fail to have the common sense to tell the tattoo artist to fuck off back to the Fair grounds where they can practice their obvious lack of talent painting kids’ faces.
Exhibit I: The Fattoo
When you are obscenely obese, you have a lot more body canvas to work with. Some have the foresight to use this space wisely with either a large image or nothing at all. The downfall that is seemingly unavoidable is when these physically overwhelming individuals decide to fill themselves with either several non-connected images or something that loses its intended form beneath rolls of relentlessly bulging flesh.
Exhibit J: The Nazis and the Unicorns
There are endless symbolic images that, when tattooed, identify you as being affiliated with a certain group. Skulls, 8-Balls and Spider webs (for example) can often be indicative of an allegiance with White Supremacists. It is also a somewhat unassuming way to declare your hatred and bigotry without sporting a giant swastika on your face. Unicorns, on the other hand, have the tendency to declare I’M A PUSSY no matter what social situation you find yourself in. There’s really no way to make a unicorn appear as a symbol of power. So if you’re a Nazi, combining your hate with the faggy spectacle of a magical horse is probably a bad–wait, scratch that…Every White Supremacist should be legally obligated to get this tattoo.
(Return to MAIN PAGE)
Like most of the people reading this, Arnold Schwarzenegger has been a comically large presence in my life. He was such a giant star that his fucking name appeared above the title of most of his movies on posters and DVD covers. No one gives a crap about Kindergarten Cop and the producers knew it. All that mattered was his awful accent and improbable facial bones.
A couple of months ago I had the pleasure of re-living a childhood memory in the form of The Running Man. Perhaps not a defining piece of cinema from my childhood, but certainly present enough to warrant remembrance.
If I could just skip ahead towards the tone this review will take, please do not go back and watch things you loved as a child. You will hate it and will wonder if you had all your pistons pumping in your youth.
One of the best things about this movie is its cover. Apparently I purchased the “Special Edition” which pretty much means it came in a cardboard box on the outside of the DVD case. And yes, above the title of the movie reads ‘SCWARZENEGGER’. They should have just thrown in some exclamation points and blinking lights to draw any and all attention away from how shitty the movie must be.
Here are quotes from my Twitter feed back in June when the movie came on cable late one night:
- The Running Man just came on Starz. My night officially wins. You could cure cancer and lose. Losers.
(Notice the hopeful nature in which I started out the experience? This movie totally rocked my face off as a kid, after all)
- Either this show is incredibly flawed or the turnover for the bad guys was very high.
(Not an extremely vicious or even an interesting bit of dialogue, but doubt is starting to creep in)
- Fat guy in underpants: “I’ll show YOU dickless!!!” Umm. Good one?
(This was towards the end of the movie. I guess for the hour in between these tweets I was in a semi-conscious daze attempting to piece together exactly where my life went wrong enough to where I actually enjoyed this at one point)
- I completely forgot how 80s douchetastic this movie is. Haven’t seen it since probably 1990.
(And it’s true. This movie is ghastly in its 80s-ness. Women with big hair, grainy video quality, spandex. Gross.)
But I didn’t pay enough attention to the movie to give it an adequate review. I kind of watched it and flinched in agony whenever something stupid happened. So here is the actual review based on my careful, critical critique of a truly shittacular movie.
It opens in the year 2019 in Los Angeles. It’s dirty, filled with crime and is up to its ass in corruption. So basically nothing has changed since when it was made in 1987. But there’s this game show, you see, run by the government called ‘The Running Man’. Since all art forms are censored by said government, whatever is on TV reigns supreme.
It’s pretty easy to see why the show is so popular, really. Convicts getting run down by roided-out dudes with chain saws and flame throwers? Fuck 2019, where is this show now?
Some of the lines in this movie are just incredible. One line that certainly wasn’t funny as the time was Arnold’s line “I’m not into politics, I’m into survival.” Twenty two years later and he is playing a dominant political role in the rape of the state I live in. Fun!
In what amounted to a giant middle finger to the audience, Arnie exclaims to the douchebag game show host (played by Richard Dawson) “Killian…I’ll be back.” Ha! Get it? It’s like that other movie he did where that was the famous line! Oh that is almost too clever. Someone named Steven E. deSouza wrote the screenplay. Sufficing to say that this man deserves all of life’s joys for that precious nugget he unleashed upon the world.
Supposedly none of the convicts on the show have ever killed one of the hired assassins (called ‘Stalkers’ in the movie). However, there is a scene where Jesse Ventura claims that the broadcast is three hours long. How the fuck is the show three hours long if the killers are on motorcycles with weapons and the contestants are unarmed and on foot? Doesn’t make sense.
During a confusing bit where Arnie and the others are looking for a satellite uplink (which is, for reasons unknown, right in the middle of the fucking set. Why would the hub of the powerful TV conglomerate, which controls the thinking of the people, sit idly in the middle of a game show lot featuring convicts — and in this case a huge fucking hacker computer nerd???) Arnold says out of nowhere: “If you guys don’t shutup I’m going to uplink your ass!”
What the fuck does that mean?
***SPOILER ALERT*** (Though, to be honest, you want this fucking tragedy to be spoiled believe me)
The order in which Arnold kills off the Stalkers is Sub-Zero (AKA Fat Japanese guy with a serrated hockey stick and explosive pucks), Buzzsaw (AKA Guy on a motorcycle with a chain saw and also he looks suspiciously like that gym coach you had who liked his job a little too much), Fireball (AKA Token black villain).
After that foolishness is over it’s time for Arnold’s name to be cleared. You see, he was framed for killing civilians who were rioting. They spliced a video together to make it look like he did it when he really didn’t. So anyways, the hot but unimaginably annoying Latina chick in the movie stole the raw footage from the station’s file room (which is why she was put on the show in the first place). They gain control of the aforementioned satellite uplink and run the real video which showed Arnold refusing to fire upon civilians when ordered to do so.
But how did the chick get the data out of the file room?
Arnold: “Where did you hide that?”
Chick: “It’s none of your business.”
So apparently she shoved it in her nanner and walked around with it in there for an hour and a half. Sick.
The grand finale is when the host is sent flying through the little underground tube thingy. And boy is it ever spectacular. So spectacular, in fact, that when the little cage he was riding in crashes through a paper sign the entire thing explodes in flames. Believe it or not this was actually one of the least shitty things about the movie.
And what 80s movie would be complete without an atrocious overly-dramatic song as the credits role? Let’s have a listen, shall we?
If you haven’t seen this movie I envy you. I think if I had watched Die Hard immediately after this my brain would have eaten itself due to the preposterous difference in quality.
Meanwhile, Arnold Schwarzenegger absolutely cannot play a character named Ben Richards. Are you fucking serious? He can’t even say ‘Ben Richards’ let alone be him. The girl in the movie was named Amber and he said it once…just once. It was probably written several times in the script but things get axed quickly when ‘Amber’ comes out ‘Om-byuhhhhh’.
I’ll leave you with the best part about the experience. Yes…the cover again.
“A GAME NOBODY SURVIVES.
BUT SCHWARZENEGGER HAS YET TO PLAY.”
Hell I’m psyched! I’m gonna go watch it again, brb.
(return to MAIN PAGE)
There are a seemingly countless amount of filthy terms and phrases out there. Some, we use every day. Others tend to be cringe-worthy and unmentionable in certain circles. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being offensive, politically incorrect, or verbally abrasive, but you must understand that some phrases carry more weight than others.
This is not to say that you should watch what you say (unless you have reason to). After all, what’s more important; freedom of speech, or the safety of never being offended? In this installment, I will attempt to create a somewhat comprehensive manual for offensive language; along with how and when to use your evil tongue.
Asshole vs AssClown–When you use a term like “asshole,” people tend to think you’re serious. Unless you’re laughing, you can’t really get away with calling someone an “asshole.” It’s strange that “hole” has become the dirtier word here. On TV, it’s Ass****…and simply calling someone an “ass” doesn’t have the impact. AssClown is similar, as it just refers to someone being a goofball or dumbass. If you really want to hurt someone, go for the “hole.”
Bitch–A very interesting word that really only has two connotations. In vulgar terms, a “bitch” is a woman…perhaps a particularly nagging one. You could use “bitch” as a blanket term for all women, but I wouldn’t suggest it. This is the primary usage of the word, and the other connotation just takes the same idea and flips the gender. Calling a man a “bitch” is usually what occurs right before fists start flying. There are two things a man doesn’t want to be called: a woman and a homosexual.
Bullshit–If you can’t sum up your confusion or anger with a certain concept, attitude, or sports play, you would be wise to simply refer to it as “bullshit” and let it go. It doesn’t solve anything, but it makes you feel like you’re above whatever it is that is upsetting you…at least temporarily.
Chink–I don’t think anyone under the age of 40 actually uses this word, but if they do, it’s funny. It’s such an antiquated word that it’s impossible to use it without sounding like a racist old man…so go for it!
Cock–Men feel the need to refer to their penises a lot. Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism to create the illusion their ‘egos’ don’t have the strength, size, and durability of half a McDonald’s french fry. The only danger in constantly talking about your cock is that you’re taking a risk. When the time comes when you actually get someone to see your cock, it may not actually be something worth talking about. Also, never call someone a “cock.” Be creative. There are tons of fun Add-Ons. (i.e. Cock Jockey, Cocksmith, Cocksucker, Cockface)
Coon–Racism and racist words are two completely different things. Often, people say that you know when you shouldn’t be using a word if you wouldn’t use it in front of the people to whom it is offensive. This is simply untrue. You wouldn’t say a lot of things in front of certain people, just out of respect…sometimes. Racial terms are really no exception. If you feel like a bad person for using the word, don’t use it. But as long as you’re not using it in a hateful way, you’re not really hurting anyone. There are many theories where this word comes from; including a shortening of “Raccoon,” or the doctor who came up with a dumbfuck theory that blacks were somehow less evolved than whites.
Cunt–Women tend to shy away from this word. As much as men talk about their cocks, women are the opposite about using the word “cunt.” I’m not sure why this is…and I doubt I ever will. It has long been considered the “worst word in the English language” by many authors and scholars. That alone should undoubtedly signify that it is actually the greatest word in the English language.
Dago–If you’re an Italian and you’re offended by this word, you’re probably a real Guido. Dago is a term that most Italians just embrace. It comes from the idea that a shitload of Italians were named “Diego.” Don’t hesitate letting it fly once in awhile.
Dick/Dickhead–Like “cock,” it typically refers to someone being an unprecedented jerk…or it could simply refer to a penis, obviously. Also, like “cock,” it’s another one of those words where the add-ons are much more amusing.
Douchebag–Not sure how this term grew to be used to refer to Frat boys and overly aggressive, pompous, self-absorbed males, but…if it works, it works.
Dyke–Meant as an insult to lesbians (or “bulldyke” for masculine lesbians), it has grown to become a term of empowerment in the gay community. The most believable origin of the word I’ve found is that it comes from “dike,” a French term for “men’s clothing”…therefore, referring to a lesbian as a woman in men’s clothing. Dyke. Simple as that.
Faggot–Any term that brings about racial or sexual discrimination is inherently destructive, but, then again…words tend to lose their destructive power once people become desensitized to them. Faggot (or Fag), like “Dyke” is used as a term of hatred toward homosexuals, but it is also a term of endearment between gays. In an effort to fight discrimination, many groups adopt hateful words as their own to use at their leisure. More so than “bitch,” men become extremely offended if referred to as “fags.” Be careful with this one.
Fuck–This word is so glossed over and overused in our culture that it’s almost shocking that it’s still censored. It’s become as common as “damn.” The tricky factor with this one is its dual meaning. It can be used the same way as “damn,” or it could refer to the physical act of making fuck; where it is considered much more vulgar. Here’s a game you can play at home: try to work as many “Fucks” into your sentences as possible. It’s fun, and you’ll feel like you’re in the movie Casino.
Goddamn–I’m unsure why this has become a censored word on television. Does blasphemy really continue to hold a place in what is considered offensive by mainstream culture? I would certainly have figured that we would have outgrown this by now…but, whatever.
Gook–Unless you’re Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction, just avoid this word…not because it’s racist and offensive, but because it makes you sound out of touch with humanity. Many place the origins of the word at the Korean war. Koreans would ask soldiers if they were American, which translates as, “Mi Guk?” (Me Gook). The term stuck.
Guido–We’ve already covered this word when we talked about “Dago,” but let’s just clarify…Guido is a term that is reserved for Italians who emulate a Mafia or tough-guy persona. Jersey shore douches, too.
Jerk-off–Essentially, the same idea as calling someone an “asshole.” It’s interesting how there are so many insults that typically are applied to men only. Girls, you’re off the hook this time…fucking jerk-offs.
Kike–In the old days, Jews coming into the country would refuse to sign documents with an “X” because they thought it looked too much like a Christian Cross. They signed, instead, with an “O,” and the Jewish word for “circle” is “keikl.” Get it?
Mick–This is a word that Irish people have adopted after a long period of it being a derogatory term. It refers to the “Mc” or “Mac” at the beginnings of many Irish surnames, and many people take offense to the insult. Hardly insulting anymore, but you might not want to use it if you’re talking to a drunk Irishman. You know how they like to fight when they drink.
Motherfucker–This incest-laden insult tends to wield less and less impact the more it’s used. It’s quite a wonderful compound word, though…and useful! Actor Samuel L. Jackson is said to be a master of its usage.
Nigger–Pronounced “nigra” in the old South, it is a word that is simply translated from the Latin word for “black.” It later took on the meaning, “slave.” This is a tricky word and tends to be offensive no matter how you use it, or who you say it to. If you’re not a racist, you might be better off avoiding it, because you come off as racist. “Nigger” has enjoyed a powerful revival, not only amongst African Americas (“Nigga”), but also amongst a group who are prematurely referred to as “Hipster Racists.” Essentially, this is a group (largely made up of whites) who use the term with a sense of entitlement and irony, expressing the idea that the word shouldn’t simply be reserved for black use. In doing so, they may often come off as racists…because, you can’t really avoid it.
Poon–This is a seldom-used term is simply a synonym for vagina, much like:
Pussy–Although it is used primarily to either refer to vaginal sex or a cowardly male, it is essentially just another word for “vagina.” Any term that refers to the vagina tends to regarded as just a fun way to call someone a “chick” in the most offensive way possible.
Shit–Studies show that using foul language to express frustration or pain can ease the effects of the discomfort; so let the expletives fly!
Spic–This is such a short and tight little word that it’s almost impossible to say it without cringing at how much you’re coming off as a hate monger. There are many explanations of how this word came to be. Some say it is short for Hispanic, which explains its current usage; however, it was once used to refer to Italian immigrants who would say “No spikka de English.” So, here’s an idea…call an Italian a “spic” and watch the confusion ensue.
Tits–Here’s a word that people use to refer to breasts when they don’t want to sound too mature; but also don’t want to sound like a fucking child and use a word like “boobs.”
Twat–This is another one of those lovely references to the vagina that is very rarely used in America. But then again, why use an ineffective word like “twat” when you have the option to break out the “Big C.”
Wop–Here’s one I haven’t heard in awhile…WOP is said to stand for “With-Out Papers” as many Italians came to America without proper paperwork. Another theory is that is comes from the Italian word “guappo” which is slang for criminal or bully. Either way, it’s probably the only derogatory term that Italians actually take offense to…
(return to MAIN PAGE)
1) You are a heterosexual male/female using the word ‘Fag’ in a pejorative manner.
What ever ‘smart’ reasons you might have, (saving an already broken relationship, having someone to love you unconditionally, etc.) your plan will backfire and create resentment.
3) You are underemployed and able bodied and sit around complaining about how bored you are and how you can’t pay your bills.
But you are not actively looking for work! Instead you lay around the house all day watching TV and looking at anything other than employment opportunities online.
4) You are over 25 (not in school) and have roommates.
5) You are a male friend who thinks that because…
a) I work in the adult industry.
b) I’ve had sex with a wide variety of ages and body types and, you know, I’m so cool to hang out with.
c) We have a really good time hanging out and shooting the shit.
…we should just take the next step and fuck each other or that we’d ‘make a really good couple’.
Um, no. The answer to this is:
a) I’m NOT interested.
b) I’m not shy, if I were interested in you sexually YOU would be the first to know. I’m not shy. I wouldn’t keep it a secret.
c) I don’t want to date you.
6) I’ve traveled with you and seen the worst side of you…Guess what? I really didn’t like it.
7) You are a psychic vampire.
Your life is a series of complaints and misery which you seem to endlessly be whining about to other people, (anyone who will read about it online or listen to you) but you don’t do anything to help yourself out.
If you don’t want to help yourself out, don’t think that I want to help you out either. I’m not a licensed therapist and you are not paying me.
8) You are someone who randomly emails me on MySpace or Twitter asking to chat, leaving your number, asking for my MSN, Yahoo, or AOL IM account (double this sentiment if you have never heard of spell check.)
I don’t ‘chat’ and I don’t want to trade pictures with you.
9) You are the last one in the group to take your wallet out when out for drinks or food.
Not carrying cash, sneaking off to the toilet, or wandering away to look for an ATM. You are not being sneaky or clever, you’re just being a douchebag.
10) Your attention span is so short that you can’t remember what you said or did a week ago, or even ten minutes ago and now you want to debate it.
(return to MAIN PAGE)
It’s no secret that we live in a world of excess. The zeitgeist indicates that we are no longer content in simply being good or even great, we need to be better–do more–even if that means dangerously shoving ourselves past the points of logic, common sense, and personal ability.
I’d like to focus, for the sake of this brief discussion, on two individuals who have fairly recently displayed that their talent can not possibly make up for the endless pit of douchebaggery brought on by their musical “careers.”
Why: What the Fuck Happened? Well, not only am I referring to the question: What the fuck happened to these people? but also: What the fuck happened to the golden age of the celebrity?
You see, in my understanding, back in Hollywood’s Double Platinumage, stars were expected to be multi-talented performers. If they needed to dance, they danced. Sing, they sang. Overdose? They went all out!
Today, celebrities are expected to do about two things:
1. Be consistent and professional. Realize your place in the entertainment industry and do your best not to step on anyone else’s toes. FAIL
2.Not expose themselves in public or on the Internet; and along with that, not to bring negative attention to themselves at the expense of the productions that they are participating in. EPIC FAIL
So, with that in mind, let’s talk a little bit about Joaquin Phoenix.
Earlier this year, Phoenix (in some form) appeared on Letterman to do one thing: promote his new movie.
Joaquin somehow dropped this tether-ball and wound up falling-ass-backwards into creating an Internet meme to promote his hip hop career.
Now, with respect to the loss of his potentially much-more-talented brother, River, Phoenix has taken the mope-road, transformed himself into a pariah, and now resembles the kind of person you’d find quietly masturbating in a Library.
Maybe he just needs to take some time off, but here’s to hoping that America gets its Joaquin Phoenix back soon; because this shit–
Moving on; what the fuck happened to Billy Bob Thornton?
While I can not, in good conscience, sit here and defend him, his intellect, character, or work (for the most part), I do know in my heart that his work that actually hit, soared out of the park.
There is a fair amount of slack that must be evenly distributed to those who are constantly in the public eye despite constant horseshit behavior. I get it. Who doesn’t want to be famous just so they can act like a total fuck-stick all of the time?
But Thornton took this concept to a new level when he verbally abused an innocent Qtv Interviewer who wanted only to let him get the word out about whatever-the-fuck Billy Bob was jerking himself off to next.
Watch Billy Bob’s stupid fucking face in this video! You just want the interviewer to leap over the table and break something off in him…
The other members of his shitty band don’t do anything to help the situation either. I’ll promise you this, Mr. Thornton. When you pull shit like this, it’s not funny. It’s not cute. It makes people hate you…
You see…when Paris Hilton or the Olson Twins or whoever pulls shit like this, we expect it. We give a collective sigh and treat them like the Entertainment Industry’s quirky near-retarded sisterswho it keeps away from all its friends until it’s bored shitless.
You are a grown man, and a decent human being. This alone is sufficient to destroy you. And I’m glad you’ve done this to yourself before you had the opportunity to make Mr. Woodcock 2.
It’s a good thing their music is unlistenable, or I’d be at least a little conflicted.
Joaquin Phoenix and Billy Bob Thornton are certainly not even remotely close to being iconic or even significantly importantin their separate careers, but being in the public eye lends them a certain intrigue and respectability, which they seem to willingly and blindly be butchering without hesitation.
Mickey Rourke disappeared from the industry’s radar for a long time. When he came back, he made Spun, The Wrestler, Once Upon a Time in Mexico, and Sin City. He’s spaced-as-fuck, but who cares? He’s amazing.
The only come-back I can conceivably predict for Joaquin and Billy Bob is an unsuccessful and poorly-thought-out opportunity to do the voices of two lovable, but slow-witted suicidal Lemmings in Walt Disney’s We Made a Horrible Mistake!
(return to Main Page)
Yeah, I’m a fuckin’ fairy! Fuck you! I ain’t no pussy-ass pixie-throwin’ tinkerballs, motherfucker. I mean, yeah, I do throw pixie dust, but that’s only, like, eight-and-a-motherfuckin-half-percent of my fuckin’ job.
You wanna judge me?! You wanna bring yo punk ass down to my hood and fuck with this? Bring it, boyz n’ girlz. I don’t give a fuck how old you are, I’ll run ya’ll through with my motherfuckin magic wand.
No, I don’t actually have a magic wand, bitch. You think I’d be caught dead wit some sparklin’ fuckin’ stick with a star at the end? That shit’s gay. Not just gay, but retarded, too!
Lemma axe you summit; you think all us fairies are the same? You take your fuckin’ suburban or forest fairy and you bring ‘em down to my area. Then we’ll see! Oh, we’ll see! Ain’t gonna do you no good to turn into a fuckin’ tree when there ain’t no trees around town, motherfucker!
Naw, I’m just like all the rest of you douchebags!
I watch my pornos.
I lubricate my guns*.
(*by which I mean my muscles.) Flex ‘em.
I water my Pom-Pom Garden. Them berries are fuckin’ sweet!
I watch my Jon & Kate Plus Eight, so fuckin’ what?
I flip off passing cars while I’m parked outside the SuperFresh.
I’d tell you more but I don’t want you bitches all up in my bizness. Plus, if you knew everything about me, there’d be no mystery…no magic in the world!
Don’t you motherfucking ruin the fuckin’ magic! I swear to Christ!