The term ‘douchebag‘ gets thrown around a lot these days. It holds with it a stigma that tends to be uniquely masculine. When characterizing a female as particularly “in your face” or “intellectually offensive,” one might use terms like ‘bitch‘ or the ever popular ‘C-Word.’
It must be noted, however, that these terms (while succinct and often appropriate) are very different from what we commonly associate with the word ‘douchebag.’
The true Douche carries with them the repute for being not only an odious Earthly presence, but also an ostentatious braggart with the propensity for deeming themselves exceptionally worthy of our approbation.
And with that verbose explanation in mind, I turn over the floor to the Top 10 Famous Ladies who unwaveringly demonstrate how they objectively fit this mold.
10. Ellen DeGeneres
- The Kind of Gay That Your Grandparents Don’t Find Disgusting
I’m sure that this one may be met with some dispute, but don’t worry, she barely made the list. But, at the same time, desperately needed to be on it. Ellen‘s quirky, pop culture humor has never necessarily been to my taste, but that has nothing to do with why she’s on the list. I have nothing personally against her.
She made this list solely due to the fact that she possesses a particular mindset that can only be defined as “douchey.” While she presents herself as a down-to-earth, friendly girl-on-girl-girl’s-girl, she has a way of thrusting her personal life in everyone’s face screaming: “CARE!”
The Ellendouchebaggery, however, leapt crazy-eyed, with arms flailing, off of the precipice when this happened.
When she proclaimed her love for vagina in 1997 on The Oprah Winfrey Show, she essentially signed the “Death Sentence” for her sitcom (I use the term loosely). After all, America had already fallen in love with one gay sitcom and weren’t ready for another.
There’s also something to be said about her psychotic fan-base but that’s a story…for another day.
9. iJustine
- Postergirl for Mac Douches Everywhere!
I have to credit FakeJimmyFallonfor this one. Justine Ezarik, the Pennsylvania native tech wiz and iDouche, got her start in a (what Wikipedia is calling an ‘internet meme’) video called iPhone Bill which, as I understand it, started a nation-wide fear of babbling bitches racking up text message fees. You’d think that a 300-page phone bill would turn someone AWAY from Apple.
iJustine is a semi-passionate aspiring actress with her own webshow site–Hey! Like us!–where she displays her idea of comedy while she brazenly suckles the glistening golden balls of Steve Jobs.
While I have nothing against Mac users, I recognize that they tend to be much bigger dickheads about their “better” Operating Systems. Here’s a little douchebaggery from a PC fan: iPods blow and every time I use a Mac, it freezes faster than an obese childplaying dodgeball who stops trying immediately just so he can go sit the fuck down.
The only reason why iJustine wasn’t higher on the list is that her constant cries for attention and offers to assist EVERYONE figure out technology that only she could possibly understand (like Twitter and Digital Cameras), while sounding like pure cuntiness, are probably just honest attempts to be genuinely helpful–in her mind.
8. Rachel Ray
- Fueled by EVOO!
Rachel Ray is like that girl next door who loves to act out, loves hanging out with the guys, and she’s cute–yet plain enough that you feel like you have a chance to score. But at the same time, despite all of this, she’s the one person you’d hate to be alone with for too long. You can’t picture trying to score with her because then you might be forced to have a fucking conversation.
She plays a Chef on TV and writes a plethora of cookbooks and advice on how to eat healthier. Her 30 Minute Meals are actually quite tasty. But can someone who endorses Burger King and Dunkin Donuts really be considered a connoisseur of fine dining? I mean, lets be honest…while her 30 Minute Meals are tasty, they’re essentially Written Down Recipes for Shit You Can Pretty Much Just Make Up.
Rachel Ray is so undeservedly full of herself while somehow pretending to be modest! I could try to rationalize this, but I won’t attempt to deconstruct the female brain. Ray flings cookbooks and shows into the public eye as haphazardly as Chimps tossing shit, while saying things to her critics like: “I have no formal anything“, “I’m completely unqualified for any job I’ve ever had”, and claiming that she cannot bake, make coffee, or broil.
She’s almost on the same level as Ellen, but making up words takes her further into douche territory. What the fuck is an entreetizer?!
7. Kat Von D
- Above: Half of Kat Von D
Consider the typical pretentious and delusional Art School douche. Got it? Good. Then (at the risk of sounding like Rachel Ray), sprinkle in a dash of being the star of two tattoo shows, dating a high-profile rock star, and mix it all together with losing a ton of weight, having her own make-up line, and being a punk rock tattoo queen…and you’ve got Kat von Drachenberg.
Kat von D-bag is one of those celebrities who pretend that they’re not a bitchy egomaniac like all of the other party-girls because she looks and dresses different. Because she bathes in her own sense of self-entitlement, she stands out amongst the others who may have pushed her out of the Seventh Place Slot.
Though it pains me to say it, Punk Rock Chicks are often just as bad–if not, worse than Preppy Girls. At least Preppy Girls will admit that they’re vicious cunts who are only out for themselves. Punk Rock Chicks tend to hide it behind layers of pseudo-self-righteousness or layers of horrid personality flaws. Kat von D was able to shed none of these things…oh, and she may also be a Nazi.
But one thing that Punk Rock Girls tend to have is a notable level culture and intelligence, which is more than I can say for…
6. Sarah Palin
- Vote “FUCK NO” in 2012
Sarah “Nailin” Palin requires no introduction. Unfortunately, every time we think back to the 2008 Primary Elections, we our minds are savagely raped and we are reminded of the several terrible months in which every American citizen was forced to acknowledge that she existed.
Palin represents the dimwitted self-centric base of the Republican Party and many (intelligent) Conservatives are vastly upset by this. Since the G.O.P. has chosen to adopt bat-shit crazy, Magic Roundaboutpeople like Palin as the voices of their party, we’ve witnessed the degradation of (whether you agree with them or not) a potentially amazing body of government.
Sarah Palin probably won’t run for President in 2012, but we should definitely keep our guards up. My problem with Sarah Palin comes not from her babbling nonsense, nor her Wink-and-Smile Politics (which I believe was Taft’s platform). My problem is her in-your-face “my family is your vision of the American Dream” attitude and fundamentalist parochial beliefs.
Briefly: Any individual who doesn’t believe in Evolution does not possess the qualities to be in Government. If you can not assess available facts, science, and reason and put forth an informed position, you aren’t qualified to lead anyone. I didn’t add Ann Coulter to this list for 2 reasons:
1. She’s probably not legit.
2. She’s too big of a cunt, and if she were on this list, there would be no room for anyone else.
5. Heidi Montag
- Heidi-sans-Spencer
It’s difficult being a Reality TV star. First, you have to deal with the constant public scrutiny. Then, you have to be strong enough to put up with living under constant voyeurism by Camera Crews and the Media. And last, in Heidi’s case, you have to pretend to live in reality instead of completely in your own selfish, xenophobic brain.
Another challenge of being a half-witted Fake Person for TV is that you hit a Dead Endearly. After making upwards of $3 Million in the last two years along, Heidi and her (Douchebag Posterboy) “fiance” must now face the harsh Real Reality that they are talentless and will go down in history being remembered for fuck-all.
The bitter irony lies in the fact that after years of playing a character loosely based on herself, she lacks the personality range to appear on even the broadest television shows. After losing out to (somehow) more talented actresses for roles in Into the Blue 2: The Reef and Melrose Place 2.0, Heidi and her flesh-tone-bearded boyfriend have come to terms with their lack of…well, everything…and decided to only do Reality Shows and TV appearances as themselves.
Heidi’s self-indulgent music career is nothing to speak of; but she does want to record a Christian album. This puzzles me, in that, if there were a god, we would never have known that Heidi Montag existed.
4. Paris Hilton
- That dog has seen things…terrible things.
What list of the top-of-the-line in Feminine Douchebagitude would be complete without the heiress herself? If only she were content being a wealthy, boring slut, she may have stayed off the international RADAR.
Unfortunately, like many in her niche, she feels compelled to prove to the rest of the world that she’s not just the talentless, semi-attractive daughter of Mr. Monopoly.
In attempting to present herself as a musician, artist, actor, and (most bizarrely) a Role Model, she has established that she could never legitimately be any of these things. I didn’t want to mention One Night in Paris, but how can I not?
I think Hilton managed to somehow have the least sexy sex tape of all time. I wound up almost feeling bad for the dude giving this stuck-up bitch his most passionate performance only to have her casually take it with expressionless boredom. Although, to her credit, she probably couldn’t feel the hotdog plummeting through her cavernous hallway.
The real tragedy of Paris Hilton is that she butchered the American Dream, which was once characterized by hard work and inspiration has now become nothing more than the daydream of a sloth.
Hilton is arguably solely responsible for a whole new culture of delusional half-assers with an unfounded sense of entitlement (douchebags).
Although the female character simply wanting to marry into a wealthy family and gradually reap the rewards of a bewildered cuckold husband has been around for–well–forever; now, because of Paris Hilton, they’re all wielding tiny dogs.
3. Kim Kardashian
- According to TMZ, the Chocolate Strawberry went straight to her thighs.
Kardashian’s story is a extraordinarily boring and confusing one. As opposed to Paris Hilton, who happened to be born into a wealthy, hard-working family, Kim’s life has been empty and meaningless from the start. Aside from being an accidental porn star and the bastard daughter of a dead high-priced attorney, Kim’s climb to stardom has been via an invisible ladder.
There is literally no reason this woman should be famous, and yet, she behaves and speaks as if she’s the hardest working, most elite woman in the Media Spotlight.
Her sex appeal has undoubtedly been her claim to fame, but does she even do anything? If you’re a professional model, fine. But Kim has no desire to model or put forth any effort to create the impression that she wants people to think she deserves her 15 minutes.
Although I would never wish her any specific harm, if we continue to treat Kim Kardashian as a viable celebrity, the terrorists win.
2. Tila Tequila
- Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Queen
Who the fuck is Tila Tequila? It’s a question asked by those who keep up with bullshit pop culture and those who really have no idea. To answer your question: I have no idea, but she’s cute-as-a-button and used to be a real hardass.
The problem with Tila Tequila (or Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen) is that she literally represents a destructive cultural climate in which our most adored and respected Starlets are some of the most mind-numbing asinine individuals on the planet.
She unfailingly seems to thrust herself into every niche, every corner, and every crevice within a wide spectrum of what people may find sexy.
As the oft proclaimed “Queen of MySpace” and “Queen of the Internet,” Tila exercises her unfounded bragging rights constantly via various social networking sites.
Evidently, it isn’t sufficient for Tila to single-handedly force her presumed sex appeal down the throats of every American, but the little gremlin
has to give us all a constant update on how many people she “knows.”
It’s up to us, the good, hard-working people of this country, to keep Tila out of the media spotlight long enough for the collective conscious to snap back into the realization that because her vag undoubtedly smells like a Singapore Sweatshop, we need to stop caring about what bulldyke she decides to fistfuck on (the finally cancelled) A Shot at Love. (I’m not racist)
1. Rosie O’Donnell
- (insert witty caption here…I’m all out for now)
It seems a shame to even include Rosie on a list of female douchebags, given that she’s essentially a castrated Danny DeVito.
While I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality, the constant loud-mouthed reminders that Rosie is dining out at pink Taco Bell is enough to jostle me into a cold, nightmarish sweat.
Her brief stint on The View cemented her place as an asshole on the elbow of every American. And given the shrill, polarizing voices of every woman on that show, the fact that everyone singled out Rosie speaks volumes for how divisive and offensive to the senses she can be.
I can honestly say that I admire Rosie for her charitable works, and personal struggle with Rights for Homosexuals, but when she presents herself as the drag-queen alter ego of Rush Limbaugh, she loses much of her credibility and invasively crosses, screaming and flailing, into the Land of the Douche.
A side note: Her ’marriage’ to Nickelodeon Executive, Kelli Carpenter, officially cements the fact that has been in the minds of former fans of the channel for far too long: Nickelodeon is so gay.
I should stop writing such long articles. I’m recognizing how intellectually lazy I start to become.
–Alex
