Don’t judge me. If I had a problem, I would almost certainly admit it. Although I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure, I feel as if I am slowly approaching the end of this fucking game.
I’m well aware how possible it is that I will get to the conclusion only to be thrown naked in the middle of a forest having to essentially start the game over again. But it doesn’t seem like this is the case.
Much of the game looks like this...wandering from place to place...but it's totally worth it,
I haven’t actually reached the end yet, so I may be speaking too soon…but I’m finding myself slightly disappointed. If this truly is the end, what do I do now? There is no more map to explore, not really any more missions to accomplish…
…is life now obsolete? We’ll see. If there is no Part 6 of this stupid series of articles, you will know that I have gladly taken my own life rather than live one more miserable day in a non-Fantasy world.
The eloquence of organized battle has bested me once again as I stagger, dumbfounded through this elaborate and addictive game. Every fight that I find myself in is a last-ditch effort to come out on top–and while this works for me, I know that there must be an easier way. I’ve watched videos on YouTube, showing how PC users organize careful attacks on enemies; examining their opponents’ weaknesses and taking advantage.
There are no videos exhibiting my tactics, which include rampaging down the center of the battlefield, slaughtering as many monsters, soldiers, or demons as I can before I fucking die.
Once I die, I’ll switch to the next viable character. As I’ve said, I’m playing as a female Warrior (Grey Warden) named Allison. She’s pretty kick-ass, and–dare I say–quite bi-curious. Although I feel that there are an almost unlimited amount of hours remaining, it seems that I’m getting on track with the story…
…maybe I’m just delusional. My last major battle effort was against some giant dragon or some shit–who only appeared when I banged a gong–so, to avoid that, I just avoided the gong. Simple.
Now I’m in another castle (imagine that!) fighting through some evil spirits with some old cunty witch who forced her way onto my already pretty cunty team of hardcore bitches, knights, elves, and a man of stone. Let’s see how long that friendship lasts.
For the record, I am not a huge fan of RTS (Real Time Strategy). I suppose I was never meant to be a god…or a general…or a leader in any way, shape, or form. Commanding and Conquering large imaginary armies across an exotic turrain while casually checking my Facebook just doesn’t work for me; but for some reason, Fat Princessdoes.
Fat Princess isn’t exactly a fully traditional RTS, but it certainly feels like one and contains the most important elements: The sprawling and often inscrutable landscapes, the two warring factions, and the gaming fags who rack up billions of experience points in the game and then taunt you over the internet for playing it casually.
Let’s start with the story. Two kingdoms had a misunderstanding and went to war over princesses eating cake…that’s about it. Fuck it, if you have a Red Kingdom less than a mile away from a Blue Kingdom, you have to expect that some shit’s going to go down.
When playing the Single Player, there is certainly a lot of fun and action, but you don’t get the satisfaction of pwning 13-year-olds via online playing.
Essentially, in the main quests of the game, your castle has captured the other castle’s princess, and vice versa. You must keep the captured princess in your castle, while working as a team to get YOUR princess back from the opponent. In order to make this task more difficult, your opponent has been feeding your princess cake to make her heavier.
Character design is a decent feature for those who want some customization. There aren’t a ton of customization options, but everyone just turns their little character green with a red mohawk anyway.
Me, on the other hand…I choose to turn my little avatar into a cross between Thor and Zach Galafianakis…
Your avatar represents you in the game, and you only control one character who respawns every time you die…and you will die…a lot–especially in the online games.
Fat Princess has gotten loads of good scores from game critics, but fuck what they think. If you like old-school style capture the flag games and have a decent sense of humor, you’ll love it. And even though online play is frustrating as fuck, it feels like you’ve actually accomplished something when you win…but you have to keep playing, or else you’ll be forced to re-enter a world where you’re a disgusting loser with a body like fucking Grover.
Don’t judge me. If I had a problem, I would almost certainly admit it. Although I have absolutely no way of knowing for sure, I feel as if I am slowly approaching the end of this fucking game.
Character design is a decent feature for those who want some customization. There aren’t a ton of customization options, but everyone just turns their little character green with a red mohawk anyway.
