We would all love to feel intelligent. It’s natural to long for that orgasmic brain baby that makes sweet love to our consciousness on a daily basis. But when we aren’t having premarital underage sex with our own sense of luscious self-awareness, while wrapped around an ever-buzzing Tesla Coil deep within the chasms our brain cases, we tend to come off as, what trained neuroscientists would call “Pants-on-Head-Retarded.”
In such cases, we become prone to blind acceptance of the babbling nonsense spewed by people we might otherwise call our peers. For your sake and mine, let’s go over some of the most ludicrous bits of nonsense that jackasses claim are gospel (…I won’t include the Gospel…).
5. We only use 10% of our Brain!
The Oxford English Dictionary defines "Douchebag" as...
The Claim: There’s really no way to explain this claim without considering all of the Art Teachers, Religious Nuts, and Generic Psychotics who have tried to drill this into the unsuspecting and gullible public over the years; however, the claim is that humans only use 10-20% of their brain power or ability.
The rest of the brain holds potential that scientists are yet to discover. There are, however, individuals who posses the power to access these “locked” areas of the brain: Telekinetics, Ghost-Talkers, and, arguably…Bob Ross.
The Reality: You use all of your brain…unless you were in the Third Track classes at Roman Catholic High School…kidding (…maybe). Yes, everyone uses their whole brain. They may not use it to its full potential, but, well…that’s why they’re in Third Track at Roman Catholic High School.
I was going to include Psychics and Predicting the Future in this list, but I’ll just mention it now. No one has ever accurately predicted the future on purpose, not Nostradamas, not a Bear or Ungulate (since that’s Dave’s new favorite word), NO ONE! It’s not real. Grow up. Frauds and assholes tend to use this argument ad nauseam…much like:
4. Eating Rice is Dangerous to Birds.
Also, what happens to you when you masturbate to Anime Porn.
The Claim: You shouldn’t throw rice at a Bride and Groom after the Wedding because pigeons and other birds could eat the scattered grains and “explode.”
The Reality: This claim is about as ridiculous as the story about the Chihuahua that turned out to be a Giant Sewer Rat. It doesn’t even really seem believable at all, if you actually think about it; but I suppose the notion of animal digestive system oddities makes it seem somewhat likely if you have absolutely no idea what the fuck you’re talking about.
3. Larry Wachowski had a Sex Change.
At least his brother could pass for his Girlfriend.
The Claim: ‘Nuff said, right? The claim seems to date back to the early Twenty First Century, around the release of The Matrix: Reloaded. Larry Wachowski of the famous Wachowski Brothers film making duo is now living his life as Lana, Laura, Lisa, or some shit.
The Reality: There may be something to the rumor that Larry Wachowski has some weird turn-ons and taboo sexual desires, but there is nothing…none…zilch…fuck-all…zero evidence that he is now a woman. He may be a little girly…I can see that. Apparently the rumors were started when the Wachowski Brothers would decline interviews, so Matrix Trolls decided to make shit up.
If you look at a picture of him and his brother, Andrew…you get a weird Bert and Ernie vibe (if Bert were a post-op Drag Queen)…but that’s neither here nor there. Although, now that it’s come up…all the characters in The Matrix are androgynous hermaphrodites…
…which reminds me!!!…
2. There was a Pregnant Man
Wait...umm...oh, okay...Pregnant Man: LEFT, Oprah: RIGHT
The Claim: A man, Thomas Beatie, became pregnant and…Jesus Fucking Christ on a Daisy Chain Cross…this is too ridiculous. I’m jumping straight to the fucking REALITY.
The Reality: Ladies and Gentlemen, and ladies who have become gentlemen…just because you feel that you’re one person (or thing) trapped in the body of another person (or thing), that doesn’t mean that you can effectively CHANGE yourself into that person (or thing). Barbara Walters interviewed this person as one of the Most Fascinating People of 2008. Why?
I’d say John Wayne Bobbitt is more fascinating for losing his penis and then having a porn career. There should be nothing fascinating about a woman with a beard having a baby. The big story now is that the Breaking News Butch wants to have another baby. Well, that’s just lovely isn’t it? But it’s not news. She’s a woman.
Look, “Thomas,” when you’re genetically altered to become a male Seahorse and you give birth to a series of Merpeople, then and only then may you alert the media. Until then, stay off my television, you greedy, self-righteous, Media-Hogging cunt.
1. The Disney Movie Bullshit
Is Goofy trying to get Free SKINaMAX?
The Claim: Disgruntled Disney animators constantly include passive sexually explicit elements in their films. Their reasoning (I can only imagine) is to give Grade School Boys and the Adult Mentally Disabled something to mentally masturbate to and/or snicker at while they and their friends/their children/their friend’s children/a stranger’s children watch Disney cartoons together.
The Reality: Alright, Disney has had a weird past (and future, we can hope) but including sexual images and semi-porn in their cartoons has never been part of it (with the possible exceptions of The Rescuers and Who Framed Roger Rabbit?).
No, the Seven Dwarfs don’t represent drug use, Donald Duck doesn’t call Daffy Duck a “nigger,” Aladdin doesn’t tell children or Rajah to take off their clothes, nobody in The Little Mermaid had a boner except for the castle on the video box…no, not that either, the word SEX never appears in The Lion King and Rafiki was just an innocent retarded monkey who lived in the desert. Any questions?
I hope this article meant as much to you as it did to me. Have a pleasant day and a lovely tomorrow! ^_^