Tag Archives: death

Happy Belated Death Day, Hugo Chavez!

The death of 4-term Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, is a tricky subject. On one hand, I’m an American and America’s relationship with this president has been “sketchy” at best. Because of the possibly inaccurate reports that came from the country during times of supposed human rights violations, voter intimidation, and, well, the suppression of media outlet, it remains difficult to gather a complete and accurate portrait of life in the Bolivarian Republic. Perhaps someone knows some Venezuelan refugees who could shed some light on this topic, as all I can do is admit to my ignorance. All I know is that until his dying days, Chavez remained the only world leader who looked and dressed as if he were that creepy non-English-speaking old guy who works at Target.

So, was he loved and praised? Hated and jeered? I suppose it depends on who you ask; but I don’t believe the Socialist Roman Catholic should be considered a symbol or an icon for liberals in America–because let’s be fair, Che Guevara wasn’t a saint either.

Artículos_comerciales_sobre_Hugo_Chávez

 

Leave a Comment

Filed under Educational, Events

Wasted Talent (of the moment)

from MarkRonsonVEVO. Our morbid fascination with celebrity deaths was once again satiated this weekend with the loss of English singer-songwriter, Amy Winehouse. Her talent was unquestionable, but her death is not particularly a shocking or surprising event. We can’t have our tabloid fodder and also expect the celebrities we lead to the slaughter to be living legends for very long. We want the punishment and the pageantry. Like comedian Bill Hicks said, “I want my rockstars dead! I want ‘em to fucking play with one hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go, “I hope you enjoyed the show. Bang!”

(If you’re really torn up about this, may I point you in the direction of another unequivocally amazing English singer-songwriter who may serve as a better role model…Adele)

Leave a Comment

Filed under Music, News, Top Story

Not Wasted Talent (of the moment)

from NakedFamousVEVO. The Naked and Famous certainly fall into the MGMT/Passion Pit/Phoenix mix of music that sounds exactly like them, but if you like that sort of trippy, poppy, dance music, you’ll totally love them just as much. Or have we all forgotten what was in before Lady Gaga and LMFAO took over music? On a side note, while everyone mourns Amy Winehouse, it’s important to realize that there’s talent out there not being wasted away by drugs and alcohol. We can have nice things after all. ^_^

Leave a Comment

Filed under Music, News, Top Story

Death Lessons from Terrorist Leader Osama bin Laden

You may know him as Usāmah bin Muḥammad bin ʿAwaḍ bin Lādin, but he will always be Osama to us. He has been on the FBI’s list of Most Wanted Fugitives and Most Wanted Terrorists from 1998 for his role in the US Embassy bombings, but perhaps most famously, he was the acting head of the jihadist organization known as al-Qaeda during the strategic civilian and military attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001.

With an impressive list of “been there done that” evil atrocities, Osama has been a thorn in the side of American forces as well as the whole Saudi Arabian bin Laden family. His YouTube videos have been smash hits ranging from the semi-popular “My List of Demands,” to the slightly more significant, “My List of Demands II: Electric Hallalalalaloo,” to the more obscure, “My List of Ten Reasons Why M. Night Shyamalan is Extremely Underrated.”

During the Soviet War in Afghanistan, he was provided with arms to fight a mutual enemy, but wound up becoming an even larger threat, leading to a Global War on Terror. You really can’t trust anyone these days.

On May 2, 2011, a mere 13 years after becoming an “official” Super-Villain, he was killed by US Navy SEALs in a firefight in Pakistan, and we can only wonder what might have been if Morgan Spurlock found him first. This rational explanation of military intelligence and efficiency has already caused numerous amendments to already-existing Conspiracy Theories, but logic and reason tend to be the Conspiracy Theorist’s mortal enemy.

Fortunately, we were able to sit down with Osama bin Laden (#UBL) and ask him some last minute questions regarding his life, his regrets, and his sudden demise. This is Death Lessons from Osama bin Laden!

SuperDPS: What were your feelings leading up to the raid on your camp?

OSAMA BIN LADEN: It was honestly quite shocking. After President Bush had said he “wasn’t that concerned” about me, I figured I was in the clear. I was very paranoid at first, but after a couple years, I went right back to making viral videos. No problem. Who wound up getting kicked off The Celebrity Apprentice this week?

I think it was Playboy Playmate Hope Dworaczyk.

No kidding. I would have figured Trump would keep her around longer than that.

He did bring back La Toya Jackson, actually.

Oh, that makes sense.

Let’s move on. I’m sure many people are morbidly curious about what it must be like to be an International Terrorist Leader. What was a normal day like for Osama bin Laden?

I don’t want to bore you or your readers. Do you (thoughtful pause) do you have any readers?

Not really, no.

Okay, then I’ll continue. Truly, my days aren’t that exciting. Constantly moving around; no real chance to set up a real Secret Lair to kick back and plan my next strategy to destroy the Great Satan–no offense. Most of al-Qaeda was really out of my hands. It’s difficult to manage a vast web of semi-interconnected Terror cells amongst a mostly tribal group of people in an area that you may refer to as “virtually prehistoric.” It’s kind of like being the Executive Director of ROSS.

You’re very well-spoken. I’m pretty surprised.

It turns a lot of people off. Leading a rag-tag group of ignorant, mostly uninformed, easily manipulated hill people is extremely difficult for someone who is part of an well educated minority. This must be how President Obama feels.

Zing! Take that, America.

That’s what I’m going for.

I really don’t want to come off like I’m sympathizing with you. You really are a terrible human being who, in my opinion, walked this Earth for far too long.

Would it help to say that I shop almost exclusively at Whole Foods?

Couldn’t hurt.

It’s the little things that count.

What do you think about all of the Conspiracy Theories surrounding 9/11 and, more recently, your own death?

How would you like it if you went out of your way to plan out a multi-target International attack of expert precision, with the utmost attention to every single detail, all from a hole in a mountain on the other side of the world…and then have a handful of Westerners claim that it never even happened? It is very frustrating. But most people hated me regardless, so I slept well at night.

I mean, if you didn’t orchestrate the attacks on 9/11, and it was all some elaborate Conspiracy by the Bush administration, why would your death be a big deal at all?

You people are inscrutable. I also understand that your televised sports game stole a bit of my death’s thunder.

In all fairness, we did all chant “U-S-A, U-S-A” at the Phillies game.

That’s all I ask.

While you were alive, what was your favorite passive aggressive gesture by Americans to show their solidarity in hunting you down and killing you?

I’m a big gun fan, so I really liked the shooting-targets mocked up to bear my image. The T-Shirts and posters that said “Wanted Dead or Alive” with the “Alive” cleverly crossed out was a really nice touch. It shows that you guys were using your imaginations. My favorite, though, would have to be the targets in Men’s urinals. Shooting a target with my picture on it was actually aggressive, but throwing my goofy face up in a urinal was truly the epitome of lazy passive aggression. It’s like saying, “Well, I have to piss anyway, I might as well do my part to fight the War on Terror at the same time. Two birds.”

Have you been keeping up to date with the latest political news here? Donald Trump? The Tea Party?

Your political news may be the most entertaining thing on television. We don’t get tons of channels, but we love what we see. We’re glad we have something substantial to watch now that Steve Carell left The Office and Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Infidels. I knew it would be entertaining ever since 2008 when all they could say was how similar “Obama” was to “Osama.” All kidding aside, it does make it much harder for us to strike fear and terror into the hearts and minds of the American people when your biggest fears have already been realized just having a black guy as your President. And what do we do when TRUMP runs for president?! Everyone will shit themselves.

Any thoughts on the Royal Wedding? Wasn’t Kate absolutely stunning?

Officially, I have no interest in such things. Death to the West and to any infidels who actually put their lives on hold to breathe in the brief, fleeting, embarrassing “Fairy Tale” spectacle. Unofficially, yes. She was fabulous.

What’s next for al-Qaeda? Any plans in place now that you won’t be having any sort of direct impact?

I’d like to think that I’ll have some sort of indirect impact on any future plans, but nothing’s really “in play” or “in the works” at the moment, I’m sorry to say. Oh! No, I tell a lie. Some operatives have actually been working tirelessly over the past several months to bring several systematically destructive and devastating events to your New York City.

Have they decided on a name for this operation?

Yes, it’s called Spiderman: Turn off the Dark.

Thank you for your time, Osama. I appreciate you sitting down with us. I hope we can do this again some time.

Actually, I think this might be the last time we do this.


^^^Faker^^^

SuperDPS.com

Leave a Comment

Filed under Educational, Hot News, Mistakes, News, Top Story

LOST: About Last Night

Let’s start off with a bit of honesty: the finale wasn’t what anyone was expecting. Loyal viewers were left confused about what they had just experienced, spiteful towards the show’s creators who promised fuckloads of answers and produced practically none; but what we all received was a conclusion…an ending to a six-year journey…and whether you approve or not, whatever happened happened.

Seldom has any long-running television show provided a wholly satisfying conclusion that everyone accepts entirely without question or concern. Unlike a film, where the viewer only invests 90-120 minutes of their oh-so-precious time, a television show of considerable length and depth leaves the audience expecting unrealistic and improbable levels of satiation that will ultimately leave them feeling (at best) short-changed.

LOST was no exception, but it was bittersweet–leaving my stomach temporarily satisfied, but after lying down in bed, I was already hungry for more.

The news highlighted the outrage and confusion–talking heads singing a choir of “WTF?”

As expressed by Co-Creator Damon Lindelof, at its core, LOST is a “character study.” The at-times overwhelmingly paradoxical themes of psychology, theoretical physics, religion, and philosophy served to create these “unanswerable questions” that both the viewers, cast, and characters they portrayed simply have to accept as truth. And after several moments of being utterly perplexed, I came to a rational conclusion that seemed to work, and I was filled to the brim with acceptance.

So here’s what we “know”–or at least what we can reach a relatively reasonable conclusion about:

The plane crash and the life (and death) on the island and off the island was the living world for the characters we all grew to love over the past 6 seasons.

The 6th season provided us with a “Flash Sideways” series of events which we were all lead to believe was an alternate life for the characters had they never crash landed on the time-traveling, disappearing island.

The conclusion showed us that the alternate time-line was actually an afterlife for all of these characters which they had intentionally created (in their respective subconscious) postmortem as a way of being together again, remembering their existence, and “moving on” to whatever else awaited them in (let’s say) heaven.

Some of them died earlier in the time-line (Shannon and Boone, Juliette, Christian Shepherd). Some died later on (Jin and Sun, John Locke, Sayid, Jack). And some will eventually have died–later in life (Hurley, Sawyer, Kate, Ben Linus, etc).

As the afterlife has no “time,” they all exist in a moment of subconscious–a dream–no matter when they actually passed away.

Aside from the several insights we attained into what exactly was going on with the Island, Jacob, and the Smoke Monster, we were not given too many definitive “answers.”

The show put forth a series of twisted psychological and sci-fi elements that we, as the audience, are meant to simply accept as part of the show.

The characters never got any closure on what was actually going on–so neither did the audience.

Most of this is only left up to our interpretation; however, it is implied that if the promise of “saving humanity by pressing a button” or “guarding a light/plugging a hole to keep the evil from escaping” was enough to the castaways to stick their necks out, we should just accept it.

We were offered several characters with paranormal abilities (Desmond, Miles, Hurley) which we accepted as part of the show. After all, in a world where a pillar of black smoke can end all of humanity, who are we to question the little things?

Desmond’s story was perhaps the strangest–as it is never truly explained why he becomes such an important force on the island.

By the end, we are meant to see Desmond as a man who can travel between times and dimensions–and because he has seen the other side, he knows that nothing that happens on the island actually “matters” as these characters will all be together in eternal happiness.

Essentially, his character in the 6th Season represents the philosophy that: “If you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is an afterlife where you and everyone you love will share eternity, why would anything that happens in on Earth actually matter?”

This is why Desmond says that it makes no difference who wins, who lives, and who dies.

The series was breathtaking. Only once in a lifetime does a long-running television show have such an impact on the lives of so many. The acting, the humor, the drama, and the emotion was surreal–and this is why the ending, while certainly up for interpretation, fit so well with the overarching themes of the entire series.

It made us laugh, cry, and never disappointed. If you’re glad the show is over because now people will stop talking about it, guess again.

If you’ve gone out of your way to stay away from the show because of all the hype, you’re most likely that cunt everyone knows who only listens to music that no one else ever heard of.

The show isn’t for everyone, but it certainly doesn’t attempt to be…and if you’re too broad to appreciate everything that LOST has accomplished, there’s always Two and a Half Men.

Amen.

Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

1 Comment

Filed under Arts, Events, Fun Stuff, Review, Television

Someone Died, Age 38, in Burbank

Strangers die every day, and if you really think about it, every single one of those individuals was largely insignificant in the big picture–like an insect.

Certainly, family members, loved ones–their importance is relative. They mean the world to you when they’re alive, and sometimes, mean even more when they’re gone.

It’s an incredible phenomenon.

But today, I woke up to the news that Corey Haim died (probably of an accidental overdose) at age 38.

Did I go to school with this guy?

Don’t know who Corey Haim is? You’re not the only one. My first indication that a marginally famous person had passed away was that the news was broken to me through Facebook.

Secondly, Corey Haim’s death was ranked about fifth or sixth on top news stories.

Third, I checked out Twitter where the Internet’s latest buzzings are twisted and corrupted by things like “#ThisReplacesNews.” The very last of the top ten “Trending Topics” on Twitter was LOST BOYS, a movie starring Corey Haim.

Gradually, as the day went on, Corey Haim’s death moved up in the news feed. People started realizing and “caring.” But here’s how I plan on tying this article together:

The point is, when a regular person dies, their deaths are only known or appreciated by family members and the people their lives have effected. When a famous person dies, the world mourns, and they can be remembered through their arguably appreciated works that will last forever.

But, when a marginally famous person dies, the reaction is possibly the worst imaginable. The media obviously shows that person a limited amount of attention with respect to their history as someone whose name we know.

The people who actually know who the person is are forced to publicly proclaim that they actually care about anything that the deceased has accomplished.

And Corey Haim, someone who devoted his entire life to being an actor (almost as much as he devoted it to drugs and alcohol), dies as a passive blip on Hollywood’s radar–a life of mild accomplishment summed up as, “that Canadian guy who knew Corey Feldman.”

Cheers. RIP, stranger.

AlexG/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

2 Comments

Filed under Charity, Events, News, Rant, Television, Top Story

Joe Versus The Insano

By now everyone has heard about the devastating quake that hit Haiti that has taken 50,000 lives. The thing about disasters is that it brings us together to help those in need. Be it donations, donating blood, etc. It also brings uneducated, ignorant, self righteous assholes out of the sewers and into the media. The uneducated, ignorant, self righteous asshole I’m going to be talking about is Pat Robertson.

I go on twitter and look at the trending topics and see Pat Robertson. First thing I think of is, oh wow Pat Robertson is dead!

Which I tend to think with any name of a celebrity that comes up in a trending topic (You do it too). Then I thought, there’s no way he’s dead, my birthday isn’t until the 21st of this month! So I go click and sure enough, Pat Robertson has something to say about the tragedy in Haiti. Can’t wait to hear this from the same guy who said things like “September 11th was our fault.”

This is what Mr. Robertson had to say:

Ah, the prophet has spoken!

Now normally I wouldn’t be wasting my precious words ( and they are precious. In fact I tried to get Hallmark to make a Precious Moment figurine of me holding a bottle of Jack Daniels with a cig hanging out of my mouth with the word “Achiever” on the base. So far they haven’t gotten back to me..) on this turd but I have Irish blood coursing through my veins.

The burden of this is that I get angry very easily and have to react and vent. Otherwise I would go to the mall and just start running around punching people (Don’t pay $150 for a pair of jeans! Nuff said!). If I didn’t react and write this I’d be failing as a Super Dude and I would be letting you fine citizens down.

So Pat came out and said this horrible event was ” A blessing in disguise.” going on to say the destruction in Haiti would give them a chance to rebuild. That makes perfect sense Pat, I empty my checking account all the time in hopes that I’ll get free money back in! What? That Never Happens?! Ah shucks! I don’t think it’ll be that easy for Haiti either.

I also don’t believe that right now they’re thinking, “Gee my whole family is dead, I have no shelter… but at least we can rebuild now!” Ignorance is a word that just doesn’t cover that statement. Haiti is one of the poorest countries in the western hemisphere. They don’t even have the equipment needed to clear the heavy debri cause by the quake to save their own people.

To say they should be happy that this happened to them so they can rebuild is nothing short of evil. There’s 500,000 casualties. Buildings can be replaced over time, those 500,000 human lives can’t.

Pat also went on to say that the Haitians made a pact with the devil to drive out the French occupation in the 19th century. Whether this is fact or forklore is a moot point. Who hasn’t made a pact with the devil for something?!

Jesus Christ...Brad and Angelina can't save EVERYONE!

I made a pact with the devil to drive George W. Bush out of office and guess what, HE WAS ELECTED A 2ND FUCKING TERM! The way I look at it, I have no faith so saying that because the Haitians made a pact with the devil, they’re cursed, this happened to them, and you hope they turn to god is just like saying, ” They made a pact with the Easter Bunny, this is what they get, I hope they turn to Santa Claus.” It’s just silly.

At the same time you can’t take anything the man says too seriously. He’s like a monday morning quarterback with dementia. Something terrible happened and it’s someone’s fault. It doesn’t help anything nor does it mean anything.

It’s just someone wasting too much oxygen with too much time on their hands. He just happens to have a mic. If he didn’t he would be no different than the crazy guy walking downtown handing out pamphlets saying “DOOMED!” and they would go right in the trash.

In closing, this scumbag is a living cartoon character. I can prove it in this clip. If you don’t laugh at least once during this clip, please have yourself committed to the nearest institution.

Joe_G

(return to MAIN PAGE)

3 Comments

Filed under Charity, Events, News

Will Someone Please Explain The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus?

This past Saturday, I was wandering about in downtown Philadelphia. I bought tickets for a movie, enjoyed a beer, and then two hours of my life disappeared in a cataclysmic event that I can only attribute to the random, staggering madness of Mr. Terry Gilliam

Upon viewing the trailer for The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, I was intrigued—but not convinced. I’ve only had a few precious memories of Heath Ledger and I didn’t want to disrupt the waters. From medieval knighthood, to the Joker, to butt-fucking Jake Gyllenhaal, Heath had a pretty full range of roles before he died. I was over it; I didn’t need any more. 

While there is no danger in Heath being remembered for his part in The Imaginarium, it certainly doesn’t help matters. 

I wish his death were this cool and mysterious...

The movie’s plot—which I had to rely on others to describe for me—is about an immortal travelling showman and gambling addict who makes a deal with the devil, Mr. Nick, to save his daughter. Sound pretty simple? Let’s dig deeper. 

Doctor Parnassus (Chris Plummer) obtained immortality via a bet with the Devil/Mr. Nick (Tom Waits). As an old man, he meets his true love, a younger woman. He makes another deal with Mr. Nick to become young again to score with this chick. 

The devil grants his wish, but in return, he must give the devil his first daughter when she turns 16. His wife dies during childbirth and his daughter is rapidly approaching that ripe age when the devil comes knocking again. This time, he offers Parnassus another wager: whoever can obtain 5 souls first, gets the girl. Still sound simple

Oh, did I mention that Dr. Parnassus has a travelling show that contains an “Imaginarium?”—it’s a door that leads whoever enters to a crazy animated world that exists within Parnassus’ imagination(?)…maybe? 

Throw in Heath Ledger as the shady nice-guy Tony…then add Johnny Depp, Colin Farrell, Jude Law as Heath Ledger’s character. 

All of the actors in this film contributed so much, which deserves to be applauded because this film made no fucking sense. In that sense, it wasn’t a “bad movie”…but it was an extremely weak narrative

Writer/Director and Monty Python alumn Terry Gilliam (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas, The Brothers Grimm) seems to have consistent problems while making films. He had been attempting a film version of The Man of La Mancha called The Man Who Killed Don Quixote for quite some time with no luck whatsoever. He is making another attempt for 2011. 

When Ledger died 1/3 of the way through shooting The Imaginarium, he refused to back down—but maybe this was an omen. Perhaps some supernatural force was just trying to say, “Fuck it. Just tell a story for once.”

While it is clear that Gilliam fights an uphill battle to bring movie-watchers something new, intriguing, and spectacular, he has had very limited success after the Monty Python train left the station. 

The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus was a ride—not necessarily a fun ride—but a ride, nevertheless. It was puzzling, frustrating, and way-drawn-out…with just enough quirky and funny bits to keep me interested. I enjoy when films are weird for the sake of being weird, but when a movie comes into your house, takes a shit on your rug, sings a song, draws a silly picture and whistles as it hops away, all you’re left with is a pile of poop and a very definitive, “What the fuck just happened?”

Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

11 Comments

Filed under Arts, Fun Stuff, Mistakes, Movies, Review, Trailers

It Begins Again: The Death of Brittany Murphy

The bullshit about celebrity deaths coming in triples still serves to make me uneasy about the week ahead. Who’s next? Bob Dylan? William Shatner? For some reason, the death of actress Brittany Murphy has really got me in a shitty mood.

She was a celebrity that happened to be somewhere on my list of hottest actresses, but that’s only half of it. She’s starred in some pretty kick-ass movies (along with some extremely shitty ones), but that’s only another 1/4.

...son of a bitch, what a beautiful corpse.

Brittany Murphy’s death this morning was shocking. Like Heath Ledger, she was  found dead due to unknown circumstances. According to TMZ, her mother discovered her in the shower. She went into full cardiac arrest and was pronounced D.O.A. at the hospital. Fuck.

My feeling is that it was probably some serious overdosing going on; but that’s just speculation, and as of now, there is no evidence to support it…but, come on…look at her husband for fuck’s sake…

How does THIS marry Brittany Murphy? (image via TMZ)

At least I know that someone else cares. Shortly after the news broke, her super-stud-famous-fucking ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher posted on Twitter:

 It’s a nice, sentimental goodbye to a good friend, heartbreakingly soiled by the use of the word “2day.” Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough characters.

Murphy was one of those actresses that I never really missed when she wasn’t around, but now that I know she’s gone for good, I find myself heartbroken, wishing she could’ve lasted long enough to make a Just Married 2.

…at least Ashton Kutcher would have something else to talk about besides where he gets such “radical” sandwiches.

Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

5 Comments

Filed under Arts, Charity, Events, Holidays, Hot News, Movies, Music, News, Rant, Top Story

Billy Mays: The Top 10 Most Ridiculous Pitches

alexbwI know what you’re saying. “Hey, Alex! You’ve done an AS SEEN ON TV article before! Run out of ideas?”

Well, the short answer is “Not quite.” The long answer is, “Please seek whatever professional help that may be required for you to break your habit of yelling wildly at your computer screen.” It’s just not worth it. I feel like I’ve been writing a lot lately; but it’s my site, so sit on it.

Do people still say “sit on it”? Hmm.

Anyway–this isn’t just a re-ordering of an old article. This one is completely new, and probably interesting. As many of you know, the Great Billy Mays of As Seen On TV fame passed away this weekend. Off the fucking wall! Nobody could have seen that one coming.

Hi, Billy Mays here for some Shitty Card Game!

Hi, Billy Mays here for some Shitty Card Game!

It’s been quite a weekend for Pop Culture icons. The impact of Michael Jackson’s death was just starting to effect me, and then KABOOM! The King of Pitch. Dead. It’s like fucking Pop Culture Regicide. Two Kings in their own right…gone.

But, now, I thought it would be appropriate to give Billy a proper farewell. Here are some of his most ridonkulous products.

10. ZORBEEZ!

Not so much a bad pitch as it was a lost product. It’s a shame that no one remembered the Zorbeez when the Sham-Wow first reared its vicious head onto the television spectrum. No one, that is, except Mr. Mays himself. This product frustrated the fuck out of him to the point that he challenged Vince “Slap-a-Bitch” Shlomi to a “pitch-off.”

The Sham-Wow won as it is a theoretically ‘better’ product.

9. Orange Glow!

“If it’s one thing I like, it’s good wood.” At your age, Mr. Mays, I’m not surprised. I love that we have amazing pieces of pop culture like this by which to remember Mays. He wasn’t just an infomercial salesman. He was the motherfucking infomercial salesman, and he was the top of his field.

Even if the products were often laughable. Don’t we have billions of cleaning products already? Maybe, but you don’t have the most important one you’ll ever own. And Mays made everything he sold seem like the most important and necessary thing you could ever buy.

Orange Glow is supposed to contain some kind of real orange shit–which seems to be an attempt to get people to drink it. Billy, if I were going to buy something from you that I could use for food, I’d go for the Big Motherfuckin’ City Sliders.

8. Handy Switch!

If you need one of these portable remote light switches, you’re either epically outgoing in your laziness, or it’s time to put you in a home. Sometimes this amount of convenience just means you need to get on your feet every now and then. It’s fine to have a nice relaxing day at home and not feel like doing shit, but if you don’t have the energy to flip a light without a remote, you need to throw in the towel.

Of course, there’s the argument that you could just put it on the wall and have a practical remote switch so your lamp doesn’t need to be placed right next to an outlet. Good point; except for the fact that the sticky pad will inevitably lose its stickiness. Anyone ever try to tape posters to your wall?

7. Mighty Putty!

Why doesn’t everybody use this shit for everything? It’s durable, it can fix just about anything. It can pull a fucking truck, it replaces damn near every material with the efficiency of space-age shit. Just don’t use it on your clothes! That’s a job for Mend-It! It’s the perfect product for anything you can possibly think of.

Oh, it doesn’t work.

6. Hercules Hook!

Typically, when you see ridiculous feats on infomercials, you’re temped to say “that looks a little ridiculous, but it could happen.” Is this ad really fooling anyone? I wouldn’t trust that bent paper clip to hold up a coat-hanger–let alone a golf bag, or giant mirror.

I’m always wary of shelves that I install. I don’t really want to sleep under anything that I hang myself. I’m not an extremely handy person. I’ll admit I don’t know what I’m doing, even if I can do the job.

But the only mistake you could make while using this product is: using this product.

5. Gopher!

Remember what we said earlier about the hardcore laziness? How the fuck did those cups and shit get up on the shelf in the first place.

When my husband, the Jolly Green Giant isn’t home, this suction claw is my only option.

How well do normal store bought suction cups work?! What would make anyone think that this is a good investment? The main draw to these products in their illusion of convenience, paired with the fact that they’re reasonably priced.

So, when you accidentally store your Gopher in a place that’s too high or low for your lazy fucking ass to reach, you can seek comfort in the knowledge that you can just order another one for $19.95 (if you have the energy to reach your phone).

4. What Odor?!

Are you tired of over-the-counter odor eliminators that people have been using forever? Well fuck that! How about one that you’ve never heard of before? Hell yeah!

The main problem here is if you know your cleaning products aren’t working, why are you waiting for this commercial? Get off your ass and clean your shit off the carpet.

If you do live in a world that doesn’t involve personal responsibility, try the NeverScrub.

Or, if you’re really feeling frisky, go for Kaboom! At least that product doesn’t sound ridiculous.

It’s not necessarily that this is a bad product. I haven’t heard one way or the other from anyone who’s ever tried it. But I will go as far to say that if you’re waiting to receive this in the mail before you clean out your cat’s litter box, you’re a bad person.

3. Tool Band-It!

Using powerful neo-magnet technology, the Tool-Band-It trumps any kind of bag, box or bag in a box. It seems to me like having a magnetic arm band with every tool imaginable attached to it would be more of a hindrance. You have to avoid walking past televisions…you can’t listen to your MP3 Player, ’cause that’s on an armband too, and once you cross the streams, it explodes.

It’s all well and good to reach for a hammer and have it right fucking there, but how are you going to differentiate between different sized nuts and bolts when you’re laying face down in the dirt?!

2. The Ding King!

This one, I just don’t get. It’s like you’re giving your car a sonogram. You smear the base with some kind of nondescript jelly and just apply it to your car; twist the knob until your car isn’t totaled anymore! It’s magic!

And when things are magic, they essentially don’t work. There are no believable words, images, or demonstrations in this infomercial, and that’s what makes it so bizarre.

1. Impact Gel!

Ah, Impact Gel. We’ve grown to love you so much. Billy Mays practically throws himself off of a building to show that this gel-pad isn’t painful. Okay, Mr. Mays! I believe you! It won’t hurt my feet to walk on this gel, but I’m still not convinced it will keep me from all unforseeable dangers.

If I’m going to take a sledgehammer to my hand, I think I would want something a bit stronger. Backed over by a tractor trailer? Probably just opt out and not even bother with the gel at all.

It was products and infomercials like this that made Billy Mays who he was. He wasn’t just a novelty or television personality. Yes, he was those things. To the extreme!

But he was a role model for salesmen, inventors, and entrepreneurs. He was a family man; and he forced his English Bulldog head into your home every day and barked commands at you to be the best consumer you could be. The world will miss him.

And even if you found him annoying, aggressive, and repelling, you’ve probably had worse friends.

(all Dubbed videos courtesy of JaboOodyDubs.com)

Alex G.

(return to MAIN PAGE)

1 Comment

Filed under Charity, Fun Stuff, Irrationality, Mistakes, News, Purchases, Television, Top 10 List, Top Story