The death of 4-term Venezuelan president, Hugo Chavez, is a tricky subject. On one hand, I’m an American and America’s relationship with this president has been “sketchy” at best. Because of the possibly inaccurate reports that came from the country during times of supposed human rights violations, voter intimidation, and, well, the suppression of media outlet, it remains difficult to gather a complete and accurate portrait of life in the Bolivarian Republic. Perhaps someone knows some Venezuelan refugees who could shed some light on this topic, as all I can do is admit to my ignorance. All I know is that until his dying days, Chavez remained the only world leader who looked and dressed as if he were that creepy non-English-speaking old guy who works at Target.
So, was he loved and praised? Hated and jeered? I suppose it depends on who you ask; but I don’t believe the Socialist Roman Catholic should be considered a symbol or an icon for liberals in America–because let’s be fair, Che Guevara wasn’t a saint either.
from MarkRonsonVEVO. Our morbid fascination with celebrity deaths was once again satiated this weekend with the loss of English singer-songwriter, Amy Winehouse. Her talent was unquestionable, but her death is not particularly a shocking or surprising event. We can’t have our tabloid fodder and also expect the celebrities we lead to the slaughter to be living legends for very long. We want the punishment and the pageantry. Like comedian Bill Hicks said, “I want my rockstars dead! I want ‘em to fucking play with one hand and put a gun in their other fucking hand and go, “I hope you enjoyed the show. Bang!”
(If you’re really torn up about this, may I point you in the direction of another unequivocally amazing English singer-songwriter who may serve as a better role model…Adele)
from NakedFamousVEVO. The Naked and Famous certainly fall into the MGMT/Passion Pit/Phoenix mix of music that sounds exactly like them, but if you like that sort of trippy, poppy, dance music, you’ll totally love them just as much. Or have we all forgotten what was in before Lady Gaga and LMFAO took over music? On a side note, while everyone mourns Amy Winehouse, it’s important to realize that there’s talent out there not being wasted away by drugs and alcohol. We can have nice things after all. ^_^
I was taken by surprise this morning when I woke up to learn that Ryan Dunn had been in a fatal car crash. The news was broken (or at least confirmed) by April Margera, the mother of fellow “Jackass” and “CKY” star Bam Margera, on the Preston and Steve radio show. In the beginning, we knew very little other than that he ran his Porsche off of the road, through about 40 yards of trees, and the vehicle burst into flames.
Later, we found out that he had been out drinking (though the Barnaby’s bar manager in West Chester claims that Dunn didn’t appear drunk) and, when jumping behind the wheel, he was immediately putting his life at risk. The accident occurred around 2:30 this morning on PA’s route 322, killing both Dunn and his passenger.
The onslaught came quickly, particularly from film expert Roger Ebert who berated Dunn on Twitter for his irresponsible behavior. As we all know, people drink and drive all the time, constantly putting their lives in danger. It’s no secret that this kind of thing happens all the time. But maybe now that a “Jackass” star has ended his own life, other jackasses will learn from this episode.
I was looking forward to more work from Dunn, including the G4 show “Proving Ground,” which G4 has pulled from the schedule. His death was a tragic and stupid waste; probably amongst the most infuriating and infantile ways to go. And so it is. Ryan Dunn will be missed. #RIPRyanDunn
You may know him as Usāmah bin Muḥammad bin ʿAwaḍ bin Lādin, but he will always be Osama to us. He has been on the FBI’s list of Most Wanted Fugitives and Most Wanted Terrorists from 1998 for his role in the US Embassy bombings, but perhaps most famously, he was the acting head of the jihadist organization known as al-Qaeda during the strategic civilian and military attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001.
With an impressive list of “been there done that” evil atrocities, Osama has been a thorn in the side of American forces as well as the whole Saudi Arabian bin Laden family. His YouTubevideos have been smash hits ranging from the semi-popular “My List of Demands,” to the slightly more significant, “My List of Demands II: Electric Hallalalalaloo,” to the more obscure, “My List of Ten Reasons Why M. Night Shyamalan is Extremely Underrated.”
During the Soviet War in Afghanistan, he was provided with arms to fight a mutual enemy, but wound up becoming an even larger threat, leading to a Global War on Terror. You really can’t trust anyone these days.
On May 2, 2011, a mere 13 years after becoming an “official” Super-Villain, he was killed by US Navy SEALs in a firefight in Pakistan, and we can only wonder what might have been if Morgan Spurlock found him first. This rational explanation of military intelligence and efficiency has already caused numerous amendments to already-existing Conspiracy Theories, but logic and reason tend to be the Conspiracy Theorist’s mortal enemy.
Fortunately, we were able to sit down with Osama bin Laden (#UBL) and ask him some last minute questions regarding his life, his regrets, and his sudden demise. This is Death Lessons from Osama bin Laden!
SuperDPS: What were your feelings leading up to the raid on your camp?
OSAMA BIN LADEN: It was honestly quite shocking. After President Bush had said he “wasn’t that concerned” about me, I figured I was in the clear. I was very paranoid at first, but after a couple years, I went right back to making viral videos. No problem. Who wound up getting kicked off The Celebrity Apprentice this week?
I think it was Playboy Playmate Hope Dworaczyk.
No kidding. I would have figured Trump would keep her around longer than that.
He did bring back La Toya Jackson, actually.
Oh, that makes sense.
Let’s move on. I’m sure many people are morbidly curious about what it must be like to be an International Terrorist Leader. What was a normal day like for Osama bin Laden?
I don’t want to bore you or your readers. Do you (thoughtful pause) do you have any readers?
Not really, no.
Okay, then I’ll continue. Truly, my days aren’t that exciting. Constantly moving around; no real chance to set up a real Secret Lair to kick back and plan my next strategy to destroy the Great Satan–no offense. Most of al-Qaeda was really out of my hands. It’s difficult to manage a vast web of semi-interconnected Terror cells amongst a mostly tribal group of people in an area that you may refer to as “virtually prehistoric.” It’s kind of like being the Executive Director of ROSS.
It turns a lot of people off. Leading a rag-tag group of ignorant, mostly uninformed, easily manipulated hill people is extremely difficult for someone who is part of an well educated minority. This must be how President Obama feels.
Zing! Take that, America.
That’s what I’m going for.
I really don’t want to come off like I’m sympathizing with you. You really are a terrible human being who, in my opinion, walked this Earth for far too long.
Would it help to say that I shop almost exclusively at Whole Foods?
Couldn’t hurt.
It’s the little things that count.
What do you think about all of the Conspiracy Theories surrounding 9/11 and, more recently, your own death?
How would you like it if you went out of your way to plan out a multi-target International attack of expert precision, with the utmost attention to every single detail, all from a hole in a mountain on the other side of the world…and then have a handful of Westerners claim that it never even happened? It is very frustrating. But most people hated me regardless, so I slept well at night.
I mean, if you didn’t orchestrate the attacks on 9/11, and it was all some elaborate Conspiracy by the Bush administration, why would your death be a big deal at all?
You people are inscrutable. I also understand that your televised sports game stole a bit of my death’s thunder.
In all fairness, we did all chant “U-S-A, U-S-A” at the Phillies game.
That’s all I ask.
While you were alive, what was your favorite passive aggressive gesture by Americans to show their solidarity in hunting you down and killing you?
I’m a big gun fan, so I really liked the shooting-targets mocked up to bear my image. The T-Shirts and posters that said “Wanted Dead or Alive” with the “Alive” cleverly crossed out was a really nice touch. It shows that you guys were using your imaginations. My favorite, though, would have to be the targets in Men’s urinals. Shooting a target with my picture on it was actually aggressive, but throwing my goofy face up in a urinal was truly the epitome of lazy passive aggression. It’s like saying, “Well, I have to piss anyway, I might as well do my part to fight the War on Terror at the same time. Two birds.”
Have you been keeping up to date with the latest political news here? Donald Trump? The Tea Party?
Your political news may be the most entertaining thing on television. We don’t get tons of channels, but we love what we see. We’re glad we have something substantial to watch now that Steve Carell left The Office and Charlie Sheen left Two and a Half Infidels. I knew it would be entertaining ever since 2008 when all they could say was how similar “Obama” was to “Osama.” All kidding aside, it does make it much harder for us to strike fear and terror into the hearts and minds of the American people when your biggest fears have already been realized just having a black guy as your President. And what do we do when TRUMP runs for president?! Everyone will shit themselves.
Any thoughts on the Royal Wedding? Wasn’t Kate absolutely stunning?
Officially, I have no interest in such things. Death to the West and to any infidels who actually put their lives on hold to breathe in the brief, fleeting, embarrassing “Fairy Tale” spectacle. Unofficially, yes. She was fabulous.
What’s next for al-Qaeda? Any plans in place now that you won’t be having any sort of direct impact?
I’d like to think that I’ll have some sort of indirect impact on any future plans, but nothing’s really “in play” or “in the works” at the moment, I’m sorry to say. Oh! No, I tell a lie. Some operatives have actually been working tirelessly over the past several months to bring several systematically destructive and devastating events to your New York City.
Have they decided on a name for this operation?
Yes, it’s called Spiderman: Turn off the Dark.
Thank you for your time, Osama. I appreciate you sitting down with us. I hope we can do this again some time.
Actually, I think this might be the last time we do this.
The bullshit about celebrity deaths coming in triples still serves to make me uneasy about the week ahead. Who’s next? Bob Dylan? William Shatner? For some reason, the death of actress Brittany Murphy has really got me in a shitty mood.
She was a celebrity that happened to be somewhere on my list of hottest actresses, but that’s only half of it. She’s starred in some pretty kick-ass movies (along with some extremely shitty ones), but that’s only another 1/4.
...son of a bitch, what a beautiful corpse.
Brittany Murphy’s death this morning was shocking. Like Heath Ledger, she was found dead due to unknown circumstances. According to TMZ, her mother discovered her in the shower. She went into full cardiac arrest and was pronounced D.O.A. at the hospital. Fuck.
My feeling is that it was probably some serious overdosing going on; but that’s just speculation, and as of now, there is no evidence to support it…but, come on…look at her husband for fuck’s sake…
How does THIS marry Brittany Murphy? (image via TMZ)
At least I know that someone else cares. Shortly after the news broke, her super-stud-famous-fucking ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher posted on Twitter:
“2day the world lost a little piece of sunshine. My deepest condolences go out to Brittany’s family, her husband, and her amazing mother Sharon.”
It’s a nice, sentimental goodbye to a good friend, heartbreakingly soiled by the use of the word “2day.” Sometimes, I guess there just aren’t enough characters.
Murphy was one of those actresses that I never really missed when she wasn’t around, but now that I know she’s gone for good, I find myself heartbroken, wishing she could’ve lasted long enough to make a Just Married 2.
…at least Ashton Kutcher would have something else to talk about besides where he gets such “radical” sandwiches.
I know what you’re saying. “Hey, Alex! You’ve done an AS SEEN ON TV article before! Run out of ideas?”
Well, the short answer is “Not quite.” The long answer is, “Please seek whatever professional help that may be required for you to break your habit of yelling wildly at your computer screen.” It’s just not worth it. I feel like I’ve been writing a lot lately; but it’s my site, so sit on it.
Anyway–this isn’t just a re-ordering of an old article. This one is completely new, and probably interesting. As many of you know, the Great Billy Mays of As Seen On TVfame passed away this weekend. Off the fucking wall! Nobody could have seen that one coming.
Hi, Billy Mays here for some Shitty Card Game!
It’s been quite a weekend for Pop Culture icons. The impact of Michael Jackson’s death was just starting to effect me, and then KABOOM! The King of Pitch. Dead. It’s like fucking Pop Culture Regicide. Two Kings in their own right…gone.
But, now, I thought it would be appropriate to give Billy a proper farewell. Here are some of his most ridonkulous products.
10. ZORBEEZ!
Not so much a bad pitch as it was a lost product. It’s a shame that no one remembered the Zorbeez when the Sham-Wow first reared its vicious head onto the television spectrum. No one, that is, except Mr. Mays himself. This product frustrated the fuck out of him to the point that he challenged Vince “Slap-a-Bitch” Shlomi to a “pitch-off.”
The Sham-Wow won as it is a theoretically ‘better’ product.
9. Orange Glow!
“If it’s one thing I like, it’s good wood.” At your age, Mr. Mays, I’m not surprised. I love that we have amazing pieces of pop culture like this by which to remember Mays. He wasn’t just an infomercial salesman. He was the motherfuckinginfomercial salesman, and he was the top of his field.
Even if the products were often laughable. Don’t we have billions of cleaning products already? Maybe, but you don’t have the most important one you’ll ever own. And Mays made everything he sold seem like the most important and necessary thing you could ever buy.
Orange Glow is supposed to contain some kind of real orange shit–which seems to be an attempt to get people to drink it. Billy, if I were going to buy something from you that I could use for food, I’d go for the Big Motherfuckin’ City Sliders.
8. Handy Switch!
If you need one of these portable remote light switches, you’re either epically outgoing in your laziness, or it’s time to put you in a home. Sometimes this amount of convenience just means you need to get on your feet every now and then. It’s fine to have a nice relaxing day at home and not feel like doing shit, but if you don’t have the energy to flip a light without a remote, you need to throw in the towel.
Of course, there’s the argument that you could just put it on the wall and have a practical remote switch so your lamp doesn’t need to be placed right next to an outlet. Good point; except for the fact that the sticky pad will inevitably lose its stickiness. Anyone ever try to tape posters to your wall?
7. Mighty Putty!
Why doesn’t everybody use this shit for everything? It’s durable, it can fix just about anything. It can pull a fucking truck, it replaces damn near every material with the efficiency of space-age shit. Just don’t use it on your clothes! That’s a job for Mend-It! It’s the perfect product for anything you can possibly think of.
Oh, it doesn’t work.
6. Hercules Hook!
Typically, when you see ridiculous feats on infomercials, you’re temped to say “that looks a little ridiculous, but it could happen.” Is this ad really fooling anyone? I wouldn’t trust that bent paper clip to hold up a coat-hanger–let alone a golf bag, or giant mirror.
I’m always wary of shelves that I install. I don’t really want to sleep under anything that I hang myself. I’m not an extremely handy person. I’ll admit I don’t know what I’m doing, even if I can do the job.
But the only mistake you could make while using this product is: using this product.
5. Gopher!
Remember what we said earlier about the hardcore laziness? How the fuck did those cups and shit get up on the shelf in the first place.
When my husband, the Jolly Green Giant isn’t home, this suction claw is my only option.
How well do normal store bought suction cups work?! What would make anyone think that this is a good investment? The main draw to these products in their illusion of convenience, paired with the fact that they’re reasonably priced.
So, when you accidentally store your Gopher in a place that’s too high or low for your lazy fucking ass to reach, you can seek comfort in the knowledge that you can just order another one for $19.95 (if you have the energy to reach your phone).
4. What Odor?!
Are you tired of over-the-counter odor eliminators that people have been using forever? Well fuck that! How about one that you’ve never heard of before? Hell yeah!
The main problem here is if you know your cleaning products aren’t working, why are you waiting for this commercial? Get off your ass and clean your shit off the carpet.
If you do live in a world that doesn’t involve personal responsibility, try the NeverScrub.
Or, if you’re really feeling frisky, go for Kaboom! At least that product doesn’t sound ridiculous.
It’s not necessarily that this is a bad product. I haven’t heard one way or the other from anyone who’s ever tried it. But I will go as far to say that if you’re waiting to receive this in the mail before you clean out your cat’s litter box, you’re a bad person.
3. Tool Band-It!
Using powerful neo-magnet technology, the Tool-Band-It trumps any kind of bag, box or bag in a box. It seems to me like having a magnetic arm band with every tool imaginable attached to it would be more of a hindrance. You have to avoid walking past televisions…you can’t listen to your MP3 Player, ’cause that’s on an armband too, and once you cross the streams, it explodes.
It’s all well and good to reach for a hammer and have it right fucking there, but how are you going to differentiate between different sized nuts and bolts when you’re laying face down in the dirt?!
2. The Ding King!
This one, I just don’t get. It’s like you’re giving your car a sonogram. You smear the base with some kind of nondescript jelly and just apply it to your car; twist the knob until your car isn’t totaled anymore! It’s magic!
And when things are magic, they essentially don’t work. There are no believable words, images, or demonstrations in this infomercial, and that’s what makes it so bizarre.
1. Impact Gel!
Ah, Impact Gel. We’ve grown to love you so much. Billy Mays practically throws himself off of a building to show that this gel-pad isn’t painful. Okay, Mr. Mays! I believe you! It won’t hurt my feet to walk on this gel, but I’m still not convinced it will keep me from all unforseeable dangers.
If I’m going to take a sledgehammer to my hand, I think I would want something a bit stronger. Backed over by a tractor trailer? Probably just opt out and not even bother with the gel at all.
It was products and infomercials like this that made Billy Mays who he was. He wasn’t just a novelty or television personality. Yes, he was those things. To the extreme!
But he was a role model for salesmen, inventors, and entrepreneurs. He was a family man; and he forced his English Bulldog head into your home every day and barked commands at you to be the best consumer you could be. The world will miss him.
And even if you found him annoying, aggressive, and repelling, you’ve probably had worse friends.
Hey, remember that chick from the titty-riffic dimwitted smile swimsuit poster that used to be in every teenage boy’s room in the 70′s? You know the one…
The titties and hair that would rock a nation.
Farrah Fawcett has no doubt outlived her usefulness, and now she expects all of us to suffer with her.
It’s a horrible thing to have Cancer. I don’t wish it on anyone; and, though I don’t have any immediate experience with it, I am aware and sympathetic to the damage and heartbreak it can bring to any household.
(I’m actually attending a Breast Cancer Benefit tomorrow evening…but that’s beside the point)
Having a positive attitude and a sense of humor about the situation is important…and it tends to help the patient significantly. Farrah Fawcett, I feel, is not one of those people.
She’s neither a fighter, nor is she someone who deserves her own television special in any way, shape, or form. What has she done? Undoubtedly less than even Paris Hilton.
In one of her public statements, she said, “Three words I never thought I would hear are malignant, tumor, and anal.”
Farrah, you were a model and a teen cock-throb for about two decades. I refuse to believe that you never heard the word “anal.”
I was hesitant to comment on this ridiculous television special airing tonight because I might come off as being an unsympathetic cunt.
But, how many of you have known someone with cancer who suffered privately and just wanted you near them in their time of need?
How many of you suffered with medical bills because of someone with Cancer, or watched someone else suffer financially because of treatable or untreatable disease…they just wanted it to be over, for better or worse.
Now, think of Farrah Fawcett, moping in a gigantic bed about how there aren’t enough people around her who feel bad. The whole world needs to feel bad for her as well.
I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve compassion. I’m saying she doesn’t have the right to exploit her condition to make some quick bucks before she kicks it.
Where are the 2-hour television specials for the deceased celebrities who actually changed the world? She’s not even dead yet, for fuck’s sake.
I don’t mean to belittle the hypothetical passing of a cast member of Charlie’s fucking Angels, but come on, America…how long will you mourn an aging Playboy model?
“Anna Ni-who? I’m sorry…Tila Tequila’s got a new reality show, and I’m so fucking interested!”
Keep in mind, boys and girls, that in regard to Farrah Fawcett’s suffering, I am not asking “Who cares?”…
…I’m merely pleading to Farrah Fawcett: Be strong and stay close to those who care. Don’t force your private suffering into everyone’s home; because, to tell you the truth, the rest of America is more concerned about Prison-Break ending.
You may know him as Usāmah bin Muḥammad bin ʿAwaḍ bin Lādin, but he will always be Osama to us. He has been on the FBI’s list of Most Wanted Fugitives and Most Wanted Terrorists from 1998 for his role in the US Embassy bombings, but perhaps most famously, he was the acting head of the jihadist organization known as al-Qaeda during the strategic civilian and military attacks on the United States on September 11, 2001.
On May 2, 2011, a mere 13 years after becoming an “official” Super-Villain, he was killed by US Navy SEALs in a firefight in Pakistan, and we can only wonder what might have been if 
Let’s move on. I’m sure many people are morbidly curious about what it must be like to be an International Terrorist Leader. What was a normal day like for Osama bin Laden?
What do you think about all of the Conspiracy Theories surrounding 9/11 and, more recently, your own death?
Have you been keeping up to date with the latest political news here? Donald Trump? The Tea Party?
The bullshit about celebrity deaths coming in triples still serves to make me uneasy about the week ahead. Who’s next? Bob Dylan? William Shatner? For some reason, the death of actress Brittany Murphy has really got me in a shitty mood.
