Tag Archives: dad
Following a severely damaging loss by the Phillies on Halloween night, I couldn’t bring myself to feel much more than a long line of painful fucking disappointments. What’s the old saying? “When life gives you lemons…kill yourself.”
This all spawned from one deep and emotional conversation involving a childhood memory and a long strand of let-downs beginning with a toy maker 1994.
There was this guy called Robert B. Fuhrer, who did not have a very good name to be in the toy industry in the first place. If he was getting into this business, he should’ve changed his last name to FUNner or something–just so he didn’t sound like a fucking Nazi.
Anyway, this Nazi started his career in 1990* with an instant classic game called Crocodile Dentist. It became an instant classic when every douchebag kid would cry until they got it, only to find out that the game sucked ass.
If you don’t remember–or you had a shitty childhood–Crocodile Dentist consisted of players taking turns yanking out the teeth of a helpless plastic animal before his jaw snapped shut, pinching or dislocating your fingers.
Then, the Fuhrer turned around and said to an imaginary associate (for the purpose of this fake story), “You know what kids would love more than jamming their fingers into a heavy plastic trap?”
“No, what?” responded the imaginary toy-maker.
“A golf game that throws the ball back at you!” Fuhrer screamed in his stupid face.
The imaginary toy-maker thought about this for a while, and soon responded, “Sounds like the greatest fucking idea I’ve ever heard in my entire fucking life,” which was an odd manner for an imaginary employee in the toy industry to conduct himself.
“But,” continued the fictitious man, “You’ve already done a Crocodile game…what did you have in mind for this one? A Hippo perhaps?” Because Hippos and mini golf merge so well together.
“No!” exclaimed the Fuhrer while shitting his pants,”Crocodiles! Crocodiles all around!”
And thus, Crocodile Golf was born–and then promptly changed to Gator Golf, because it sounded more bad-ass.
If you don’t remember Gator Golf…what’s wrong with you?
Look at how much fun those fucking kids are having! They’re even willing to trust an Alligator in a suit (something you should never ever do) just to play it!
Then, they talk their functionally retarded dad into playing it and he fucking misses. How?!
His son knows the score though…he basically screams, “Get out of my way, faggot! I’ll show you how men play golf!” What a great sport.
So how did Fuhrer contribute to my crippling depression? In the commercial, they raise the question: “What could be greater than golf with a gator?” A charming and praiseworthy rhyme, I must say.
But the question is what bothers me so much. What could be greater than golf with a gator? I don’t know! And I fear that I’ll never know. Every moment of my life is an agonizing step backwards, forever chasing that ultimate high which I know I will never again achieve.
What could be greater than golf with a gator? Nothing. And when this is how you live your life, every day god is mocking you.
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*A fact that I made up.
Everybody knows that kids are fucking stupid and do stupid things; but what does it say about adults–grown ups who should know better–when they turn the harmless, dumbass exploits of a stupid kid into a media clusterfuck that captures the hearts and minds of us all?
As you know, this month was the dawn of the Balloon Boy (and yes, I’m aware I’ve already written an article about it)…(and yes, I’m aware of the irony that by bringing it up again I’m only contributing to the mindless media that continues to fan the flames)…but fuck you.
But while you’re all tied in knots over little Falcon Heene, you may have let another ankle-biter slip by unnoticed. His name is Zachary Christie. He’s six year’s old and cute as a cunt; but what you may not know is his story. Thank christ I’m here to tell you, right?
Zachary is a Cub Scout who went to school with his “favorite” spoon, which just so happened to be attached to a Swiss fucking Army fucking Knife. He was suspended from school and sent to spend 45 days in an alternative school for trouble-makers and no-goodniks.
This may have been a bit harsh, but he parents (along with thousands of people who should mind their own fucking business) have intervened and complained about how stupid and unfair this was. Unfair–maybe–but the stupid kid brought a knife to school, and his parents let him!
Would I be a happy camper if I had to share my first grade class with a kid carrying a knife in his pocket? Fuck no!
Zach’s best media quote has been: “I had absolutely no idea it was gonna happen!” Really? You’re six. You have absolutely no idea that puberty’s gonna happen either.
In response to the whole media outrage, the Delaware school has decided to only suspend Lil’ Z, and has changed their policy so that Kindergarten and First Grade kids won’t have to go to the evil school as punishment.
What must that school be like? I’m picturing a bunch of little elementary school kids covered in dirt and shit, shackled to their desks, wondering how the fuck they ended up there in the first place.
But even if that were the case, they would all be thinking, “We’re the lucky ones. They still haven’t taken little Falcon away from Ma and Pa Batshit.”
And if you thought that the Balloon Boy coverage was over–holy shit–you’re fucking wrong. This shit has only just begun! While CNN has dropped the story from their front page, many “news” websites are digging deeper, even to the point of using tabloids as resources.
As this story–obviously the most monumental event of the decade–gains steam, the hoax becomes more and more apparent. Police are now (supposedly) looking into those who claim to have business connections with Papa Fruit Loop, involving his plans to base a reality show around his family with staged events (like ballooning a boy…I guess).
So, now we have two “boys” with more media hype than parental supervision (one considerably more significant than the other); which leads me to ask the important question: What stupid child’s dumbass exploits can we blow out of proportion next?
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