Tag Archives: cunt
By the standards of the traditional Serial Killer, The CraigsList Killer, Philip Markoff was a huge pussy; and worse yet, he only had one successful murder under his belt. Sure he’s wanted for a few robberies, but who the fuck cares? Where was your pizzazz, Markoff? You had every single other creeper on CraigsList to contend with and all you did was steal and kill? Show us some fucking jazz-hands! Wear someone’s face as a mask…something! Philip Markoff wasn’t even the scariest person ON CraigsList, and I’m going to fucking prove it.
Today, we’re going to have ourselves a contest: Who are the bigger CraigsList creepers? Guys…or girls? Think you know the answer already? Well let’s dive right in. Oh, just to clarify…I’m only using Philadelphia, PA personal ads. Your local personals may be creepier.
GUYS TEAM: Watch or Lend a Hand-42–“I’m looking for a woman who would enjoy watching me masturbate or would like to give me a hand…”
GALS TEAM: Highly sexual Black Man need with BBC-40–“Sweet sexy black bbw looking for her super freaky black soul mate that has a bbc. Im looking for a good man with with a heart of gold and a dick of power to rock this BBBW nightly.”
This is an obvious big win for the guys. Big girl just wanted some lovin’…that ain’t no crime. I can understand posting a plea for a handy–or a blowjob–but the primary objective here was just to find someone who will watch him jack it. That means this guy is probably wanking in the park on a regular basis.
GUYS TEAM: I’m bored…:/-29–“Hii, just looking to talk or maybe hang out with someone on my day off! Anyone that’s fun feel free to email me! “
GALS TEAM: Come Right Now-19–”well im looking for licking sucking and fucking with a female like right now its 11:44pm and i want it right now you can come on over now and get it popping just email me asap im dead ass serious no game players no men no couples unless a female couple hurry up and reply if you want some good good pussy”
Congratulations, gals, this one’s in your court. Let’s be fair, this lovely young lady is a certified muff-diver and is therefore granted a certain male level of creepiness. The lack of punctuation here–paired with the exact time that she’s sending out this message–implies a hasty and purposeful cry for poon. For this, I give her a bit more credit; however, if this cavernous cunt actually belongs to a fucking 19 year old, I’m never having sex again.
GUYS TEAM: DICKSUCKER NEEDS COCK & CUM (Your place or neutral spot…can’t host)-50–“Intense, agressive insatiable cocksucker looking for an agressive guy who loves to put a cockpig like myself through the paces — someone who will make me work long & hard (no quickies) for that dick & cum — kick back & treat me like the cocksucker I am — stand up & fuck my mouth & throat deep & hard — hot, wet mouth, deep fucking throat — love sucking, licking, slobbering all over that dick until it explodes. I also enjoy nip play, licking balls, ass (with right guy), poppers, lots of verbal, etc.
Masculine, discreet, d/d free guy but total cockwhore behind closed doors. 50, 6′, 235#, s&p buzz/beard/stash.
Looking to travel out within the Philly/Southern NJ area to your spot or to a neutral place (book store, etc.).”
GALS TEAM: Anyone like thick curves?-26–“Hey I am a curvy girl that wants to go out and have a great time but, i do not drive because of 2 duis I miss going out and I know I’ve tried this before but i just want someone normal to have a great sat. night with. Please E-mail me back with a pic, age, and location.”
Our judges actually refused to be consulted on this one. Let’s put another big fat throbbing point on the board for the guys! Desperation can, at times, come off as creepy…but who doesn’t love a desperate fat alcoholic? We can give the girls a pass this time; especially for an insatiable cocksucker like our half-a-century-old friend up there. He goes into way-too-much detail, admits he looks like Billy-fucking-Mays…and wants to blow you in a bookstore. Classy.
GUYS TEAM: I WILL COCK SLAP YOU, GIRL!!!-m4w-48–“That’s right!!! Just get your face, ass and whatever else you like COCK SLAPPED ready for a GREAT SPANKING!!! Have me lean you over and POUND the living DAYLIGHTS out of your nice, TIGHT pussy!!! FEEL my THROBBING muscle EXPANDING further when I HAMMER you with your legs over my shoulders!!! Then…get ready for YOU KNOW WHAT!!! I’m here, I’m ready. Description and/or pic with all your dirty details.”
GALS TEAM: Need a woman-33–“I am looking for a white female, 18-38, Disease free and Drug free, to lick me and pleasure me in front of my husband. Must send a picture or no reply. He does NOT want to touch you, just wants to watch me with another woman. One time deal. no one butchy please.”
I know, I know…it seems like I’m being unfair here, but this is harder than I thought. I know that the guys have a pretty clear win here, but in the spirit of the contest, I have to give this point to the ladies. As if CraigsList weren’t creepy enough, you’re online searching for a partner just so your husband can watch?! I’m envisioning one of those old haunted house paintings where the eyes slide away and someone’s watching through the painting in the other room…somehow the phrase “HE DOES NOT WANT TO TOUCH YOU” seems to imply that he actually really really does.
GUYS TEAM: Athletic and Geeky guy looking to meet new people-21–“My interests include Video Games, Paintballing, Martial Arts, Movies, Acrobatics, and other etc. random things.”
GALS TEAM: Searching for sum additional playfulness–“I would like to meet a new guy for fun and excitement. Im really relaxed, I enjoy talking shallow or deep, I laugh at pretty much anything and I never waste a single day! I am a pretty truthful woman and I like people who are honest and direct. I like to get it hard and fast from behind and get my hair tugged some. Doggy makes me feel primitive and carnal which really gets me going.. I love that feeling of crazy animal sex. Its great if you have a nice big cock for me. I am very oral too and just love to moan a drool over a nice cock. If you want to meet you could mail me.”
I’m not sure here…this chick seems totally honest and horny, but…does she go overboard? The guy is really direct and vague–but his picture looks like he might skin you alive. I think I’m going to have to call this one a draw. I don’t know how old the girl is, but she’s obviously got one thing on her mind. The guy, on the other hand, seems like he may be hiding a bit too much to make anyone comfortable…
GUYS TEAM: Bensalem Hotel-m4w-38–“Looking to give oral to any woman. I’m in a Bensalem hotel.”
GALS TEAM: (fuck it)
This one popped immediately. I’m not even going to try to find a female CraigsLister to rival this. I just want to call the police and let them know that if anyone responds to this guy‘s post, they deserve whatever happens to them. “I’m in a Bensalem hotel…” jesus christ.
GUYS TEAM: Seeking F for hot sensual fun tonight in Philly area-m4w-39–“Any female interested? I’m a 39 year old divorced white male looking for a female for hot sensual fun tonight. Could be a one time thing or long term. It has been a while and i’m seeking a low stress thing. Interested? I’m 6’1 205 lbs. I have face pics if interested. Please reply with photo and tell me about you.
I’m looking froward to your response.
I’m in Philadelphia and can travel to you.”
GALS TEAM: Hot Cowboys-w4m-36–“are there any hot young cowboys / farmboys going to the Bloomsburg Fair to see Sugarland Oct 1 st????”
Guys, you are on a fucking roll. Keep it up–and keep those penis-shots coming…no pun intended. The best thing about the obligitory CraigsList cock-shot is the fact that there are usually no faces in the picture…this is done for one reason: because women on CraigsList don’t fucking care what you look like! This guy tried to cram some of his face into the picture, but it just looks like he’s running out of breath trying to take the picture and masturbate at the same time. Win!
GUYS TEAM: need a flash at the office-m4w-37–“I am all alone in my office today and tomorrow, I would love for a woman to come over, flash me her chest and then leave. I know there has to be someone out there that would love to do this.”
GALS TEAM: i’m bored-w4mm-20–“Blk. female bored
wheres the parties at i hear alot about nsa parties where they at??
my partner is sleep dont know what to do”
The gals team has managed to gain some awesome points in this round–but the guys still take it. Ladies, if you’re bored, and your partner is asleep, take a lesson from this chick…maybe just call for pizza delivery from Domino’s and Papa John’s at the same time…two delivery guys will show up, and you won’t be bored anymore…plus, with all that heavy cheese, you might just find out you like scat parties as well. Guys, if you’re at work so long that you need to ask someone to flash you and then leave, you need to quit your job.
GUYS TEAM: Want a fuck buddy-m4w-51–“Looking for a FEMALE friend and a fun sex friend too. NOT MEN, NO MEN and NO fakes, I’m not going to any site to see anything or anyone!!!”
GALS TEAM: local hook up-w4mw-20–”anyone local wanna hit this? sexy bbw in need. fuck my pain away. you gotta host and might need to pick me up. shaved, tight, wet, and waiting. you get bonus points if you party (not booze). send pic to get reply.”
I’m starting to sense a trend here. Men of all ages, shapes, colors, and cock-sizes are using CraigsList as a means to an end. Some use it to find true love, but that’s fucking rare. Most just want a quickie, a tug-job, or a fantasy fulfilled. Women, on the other hand, use CraigsList only when they’re horny and desperate, but too large to leave the house. If women are forced to say BBW, men should be forced to say CHODE. Let’s give this one to the guys…just for the rampant homophobia and tiny prick.
GUYS TEAM: need your feet for 5 minutes-m4w-37–“I am looking for a woman that will let me use her feet. We will meet, you take off your shoes and I will rub one out and finish on your feet. It is real simple, ideally we could do it without talking.”
GALS TEAM: CD Gang Bang-t4m-43–“Sexy CD looking to get gang banged next Weds night at the Inn of the Dove in Cherry Hill. I love to take it in my ass and eat multiple loads of sperm. You need to be HWP, D&D free, well hung, and able to cum in buckets. I also want to video tape the fun but don’t worry, we don’t need to show your face. For consideration please send me some pics (face and cock) and then I’ll let you know the details. I’m happy to provide my own pics in response. I look forward to tasting you.”
This was a very competitive round. Both parties really played their A-Games when the chips were down. Although I kind of cheated here, the ladies (even this round was a cross-dresser) take this one marvelously. This one doesn’t take “no” for an answer. Video tape the fun? Buckets of cum? Sounds like a fucking party! Just tell her to tape down her cock and you won’t know the difference.
The ladies fought valiantly with a respectable 4/10, but this match has unsurprisingly gone the way of the superior race–Men–with an unwavering creepiness that will surely haunt all of our dreams. The dudes pull ahead in this match-up with a stunning 7/10! And that was being generous to the ladies!
Yes, as I expected, it was much more difficult to find women willing to degrade themselves to the point of putting themselves in physical danger on CraigsList. Most women are just too smart for that, and guys–well–they have the advantage of being potential CraigsList Killers.
So, until next time, CraigsListers…carry condoms, photograph your penises close-up so they look bigger, and always make sure your stunningly gorgeous date isn’t packing plums in her panties. Goodnight!
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There are a seemingly countless amount of filthy terms and phrases out there. Some, we use every day. Others tend to be cringe-worthy and unmentionable in certain circles. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being offensive, politically incorrect, or verbally abrasive, but you must understand that some phrases carry more weight than others.
This is not to say that you should watch what you say (unless you have reason to). After all, what’s more important; freedom of speech, or the safety of never being offended? In this installment, I will attempt to create a somewhat comprehensive manual for offensive language; along with how and when to use your evil tongue.
Asshole vs AssClown–When you use a term like “asshole,” people tend to think you’re serious. Unless you’re laughing, you can’t really get away with calling someone an “asshole.” It’s strange that “hole” has become the dirtier word here. On TV, it’s Ass****…and simply calling someone an “ass” doesn’t have the impact. AssClown is similar, as it just refers to someone being a goofball or dumbass. If you really want to hurt someone, go for the “hole.”
Bitch–A very interesting word that really only has two connotations. In vulgar terms, a “bitch” is a woman…perhaps a particularly nagging one. You could use “bitch” as a blanket term for all women, but I wouldn’t suggest it. This is the primary usage of the word, and the other connotation just takes the same idea and flips the gender. Calling a man a “bitch” is usually what occurs right before fists start flying. There are two things a man doesn’t want to be called: a woman and a homosexual.
Bullshit–If you can’t sum up your confusion or anger with a certain concept, attitude, or sports play, you would be wise to simply refer to it as “bullshit” and let it go. It doesn’t solve anything, but it makes you feel like you’re above whatever it is that is upsetting you…at least temporarily.
Chink–I don’t think anyone under the age of 40 actually uses this word, but if they do, it’s funny. It’s such an antiquated word that it’s impossible to use it without sounding like a racist old man…so go for it!
Cock–Men feel the need to refer to their penises a lot. Perhaps it’s a defense mechanism to create the illusion their ‘egos’ don’t have the strength, size, and durability of half a McDonald’s french fry. The only danger in constantly talking about your cock is that you’re taking a risk. When the time comes when you actually get someone to see your cock, it may not actually be something worth talking about. Also, never call someone a “cock.” Be creative. There are tons of fun Add-Ons. (i.e. Cock Jockey, Cocksmith, Cocksucker, Cockface)
Coon–Racism and racist words are two completely different things. Often, people say that you know when you shouldn’t be using a word if you wouldn’t use it in front of the people to whom it is offensive. This is simply untrue. You wouldn’t say a lot of things in front of certain people, just out of respect…sometimes. Racial terms are really no exception. If you feel like a bad person for using the word, don’t use it. But as long as you’re not using it in a hateful way, you’re not really hurting anyone. There are many theories where this word comes from; including a shortening of “Raccoon,” or the doctor who came up with a dumbfuck theory that blacks were somehow less evolved than whites.
Cunt–Women tend to shy away from this word. As much as men talk about their cocks, women are the opposite about using the word “cunt.” I’m not sure why this is…and I doubt I ever will. It has long been considered the “worst word in the English language” by many authors and scholars. That alone should undoubtedly signify that it is actually the greatest word in the English language.
Dago–If you’re an Italian and you’re offended by this word, you’re probably a real Guido. Dago is a term that most Italians just embrace. It comes from the idea that a shitload of Italians were named “Diego.” Don’t hesitate letting it fly once in awhile.
Dick/Dickhead–Like “cock,” it typically refers to someone being an unprecedented jerk…or it could simply refer to a penis, obviously. Also, like “cock,” it’s another one of those words where the add-ons are much more amusing.
Douchebag–Not sure how this term grew to be used to refer to Frat boys and overly aggressive, pompous, self-absorbed males, but…if it works, it works.
Dyke–Meant as an insult to lesbians (or “bulldyke” for masculine lesbians), it has grown to become a term of empowerment in the gay community. The most believable origin of the word I’ve found is that it comes from “dike,” a French term for “men’s clothing”…therefore, referring to a lesbian as a woman in men’s clothing. Dyke. Simple as that.
Faggot–Any term that brings about racial or sexual discrimination is inherently destructive, but, then again…words tend to lose their destructive power once people become desensitized to them. Faggot (or Fag), like “Dyke” is used as a term of hatred toward homosexuals, but it is also a term of endearment between gays. In an effort to fight discrimination, many groups adopt hateful words as their own to use at their leisure. More so than “bitch,” men become extremely offended if referred to as “fags.” Be careful with this one.
Fuck–This word is so glossed over and overused in our culture that it’s almost shocking that it’s still censored. It’s become as common as “damn.” The tricky factor with this one is its dual meaning. It can be used the same way as “damn,” or it could refer to the physical act of making fuck; where it is considered much more vulgar. Here’s a game you can play at home: try to work as many “Fucks” into your sentences as possible. It’s fun, and you’ll feel like you’re in the movie Casino.
Goddamn–I’m unsure why this has become a censored word on television. Does blasphemy really continue to hold a place in what is considered offensive by mainstream culture? I would certainly have figured that we would have outgrown this by now…but, whatever.
Gook–Unless you’re Christopher Walken in Pulp Fiction, just avoid this word…not because it’s racist and offensive, but because it makes you sound out of touch with humanity. Many place the origins of the word at the Korean war. Koreans would ask soldiers if they were American, which translates as, “Mi Guk?” (Me Gook). The term stuck.
Guido–We’ve already covered this word when we talked about “Dago,” but let’s just clarify…Guido is a term that is reserved for Italians who emulate a Mafia or tough-guy persona. Jersey shore douches, too.
Jerk-off–Essentially, the same idea as calling someone an “asshole.” It’s interesting how there are so many insults that typically are applied to men only. Girls, you’re off the hook this time…fucking jerk-offs.
Kike–In the old days, Jews coming into the country would refuse to sign documents with an “X” because they thought it looked too much like a Christian Cross. They signed, instead, with an “O,” and the Jewish word for “circle” is “keikl.” Get it?
Mick–This is a word that Irish people have adopted after a long period of it being a derogatory term. It refers to the “Mc” or “Mac” at the beginnings of many Irish surnames, and many people take offense to the insult. Hardly insulting anymore, but you might not want to use it if you’re talking to a drunk Irishman. You know how they like to fight when they drink.
Motherfucker–This incest-laden insult tends to wield less and less impact the more it’s used. It’s quite a wonderful compound word, though…and useful! Actor Samuel L. Jackson is said to be a master of its usage.
Nigger–Pronounced “nigra” in the old South, it is a word that is simply translated from the Latin word for “black.” It later took on the meaning, “slave.” This is a tricky word and tends to be offensive no matter how you use it, or who you say it to. If you’re not a racist, you might be better off avoiding it, because you come off as racist. “Nigger” has enjoyed a powerful revival, not only amongst African Americas (“Nigga”), but also amongst a group who are prematurely referred to as “Hipster Racists.” Essentially, this is a group (largely made up of whites) who use the term with a sense of entitlement and irony, expressing the idea that the word shouldn’t simply be reserved for black use. In doing so, they may often come off as racists…because, you can’t really avoid it.
Poon–This is a seldom-used term is simply a synonym for vagina, much like:
Pussy–Although it is used primarily to either refer to vaginal sex or a cowardly male, it is essentially just another word for “vagina.” Any term that refers to the vagina tends to regarded as just a fun way to call someone a “chick” in the most offensive way possible.
Shit–Studies show that using foul language to express frustration or pain can ease the effects of the discomfort; so let the expletives fly!
Spic–This is such a short and tight little word that it’s almost impossible to say it without cringing at how much you’re coming off as a hate monger. There are many explanations of how this word came to be. Some say it is short for Hispanic, which explains its current usage; however, it was once used to refer to Italian immigrants who would say “No spikka de English.” So, here’s an idea…call an Italian a “spic” and watch the confusion ensue.
Tits–Here’s a word that people use to refer to breasts when they don’t want to sound too mature; but also don’t want to sound like a fucking child and use a word like “boobs.”
Twat–This is another one of those lovely references to the vagina that is very rarely used in America. But then again, why use an ineffective word like “twat” when you have the option to break out the “Big C.”
Wop–Here’s one I haven’t heard in awhile…WOP is said to stand for “With-Out Papers” as many Italians came to America without proper paperwork. Another theory is that is comes from the Italian word “guappo” which is slang for criminal or bully. Either way, it’s probably the only derogatory term that Italians actually take offense to…
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Yeah, I’m a fuckin’ fairy! Fuck you! I ain’t no pussy-ass pixie-throwin’ tinkerballs, motherfucker. I mean, yeah, I do throw pixie dust, but that’s only, like, eight-and-a-motherfuckin-half-percent of my fuckin’ job.
You wanna judge me?! You wanna bring yo punk ass down to my hood and fuck with this? Bring it, boyz n’ girlz. I don’t give a fuck how old you are, I’ll run ya’ll through with my motherfuckin magic wand.
No, I don’t actually have a magic wand, bitch. You think I’d be caught dead wit some sparklin’ fuckin’ stick with a star at the end? That shit’s gay. Not just gay, but retarded, too!
Lemma axe you summit; you think all us fairies are the same? You take your fuckin’ suburban or forest fairy and you bring ‘em down to my area. Then we’ll see! Oh, we’ll see! Ain’t gonna do you no good to turn into a fuckin’ tree when there ain’t no trees around town, motherfucker!
Naw, I’m just like all the rest of you douchebags!
I watch my pornos.
I lubricate my guns*.
(*by which I mean my muscles.) Flex ‘em.
I water my Pom-Pom Garden. Them berries are fuckin’ sweet!
I watch my Jon & Kate Plus Eight, so fuckin’ what?
I flip off passing cars while I’m parked outside the SuperFresh.
I’d tell you more but I don’t want you bitches all up in my bizness. Plus, if you knew everything about me, there’d be no mystery…no magic in the world!
Don’t you motherfucking ruin the fuckin’ magic! I swear to Christ!