Tag Archives: crazy

Real-Life Super Villain Terrorizes Seattle

Rarely do you hear a news story that includes the words “Space Cowboy” and ”Vampire.” The real world just isn’t that exciting. But when you discover this kind of batshit insane, who needs comic book villains? 

 

Imagine the confusion and fear that gripped the fine people over at the Union Gospel Mission in downtown Seattle when this fucking lunatic entered the building. According to the employees there, he walked in, demanding to be served breakfast. When the staff refused, he claimed that he was a Vampire and wanted to eat people. 

He also claimed to be a “Space Cowboy” before he revealed that he had a bomb strapped to his arm. And that’s when shit got serious–oh–and then he started his approach to the Court House… 

Perhaps it was just the last element to his Apocalypse Ray

 

Naturally, panic ensued and the downtown area was closed off until the psychopath was detained and the bomb was discovered to be a fake. But what a day that must’ve been! 

 

When people say that Osama bin Laden and Kim Jung-Il are “real-life super-villains,” tell them to fuck off. Real-life Super Villains look like this: 

You can’t manufacture that kind of crazy

AlexG/ 

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Obama VS Bush: Let the Conspiracy Begin

I fucking hate it when assholes say, “9/11 was an inside job.” It takes a special brand of cunt to blindly blame the George Bush for the deaths of thousands of people. There are thousands of deaths that you can blame on Bush…so why grasp at straws?

The point is that whether or not 9/11 was an inside job is not your place to determine. You don’t know, and any speculation you make will only result in you looking like–well–a very special brand of cunt. So, let’s drop it.

Well, if Spidey approves...

Our focus today is on the events that unfolded this week involving Northwest Airlines Flight 253 and the speculation that has already built around the incident.

When the Bush administration addressed the public after the events of September 11, 2001, their message was simple: Be Afraid…but keep spending money.

To compare 9/11 to the latest attempt by a young Nigerian man to set his pants on fire would be an insult to just about everything; however, Obama’s reaction symbolizes a certain degree of that “Change” we were all repeatedly promised.

Republicans are rushing to get their revenge on liberals for questioning Bush’s motives and actions after 9/11. They are throwing blame at Obama for the Nigerian ‘terrorist’s’ actions…or lack of actions. Why? Because. That’s why.

In an effort to remain optimistic, presume nothing, and not cause widespread panic, President Obama has chosen to refrain from saying too much, too soon. Now, Bush pulled the same stunt–this is true. He took some time off to reflect and consider his options; however, this was after deciding to send our troops on an extended vacation to the dunes.

War is a strange phenomenon. Like falling it love, it seems to be the only activity that men claim to do everything in their power to prevent…yet simultaneously do everything in their power to begin.

George Orwell once claimed that “…in a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act,” and this truth has been self-evident throughout America’s history of war.

It is convenient that in the advent of an act or predetermined war, a malicious and calculated attack that America “could not possibly have prevented” occurs, serving to completely justify our actions.

During WWI, Woodrow Wilson kept us out of war even when the Lusitania was attacked. It was the infamous ‘Zimmerman Note’ that led America to war–its validity is still disputed to this day.

The attack on Pearl Harbor, which launched America into WWII is even questioned by some veterans who felt that this attack was forewarned.

Jump ahead to the wars today. Whenever there is a surge, or an advance on an already existing war, a terrorist act is foiled, a mysterious figure is found during a “random” search, or some pie-eyed fuckwit tries to blow up his pants on a plane.

While there is little-to-no evidence to suggest that these events are in some way contrived, they continue to be a little too convenient…a little too “false flag.”

A “false flag” is an event is deliberately orchestrated to make an attack seem like it was the work of an outside entity. It comes from the 1933 arson attack on the German Reichstag building. Hitler used the attack to issue a series of retractions on personal freedoms in order to “better ensure” the stability of the state.

It is still unclear who started the Reichstag fire–but when the Patriot Act was passed, it was accepted without debate.

While I am not promoting the violent overthrow of government, nor am I advocating bullshit conspiracy theory, I am requiring you to start being wary of the news you hear, whether domestic or abroad.

After 8 years of this, anything's an improvement...

We’ve spent the last nine years learning not to trust our leaders–and it’s time that we remember how angry we were the last time we went to war. No politician has all the answers–and Obama’s war is no different than Bush’s.

Be suspicious of your elected officials until they prove to you that they are on the level. Don’t take anyone for granted–even if it is charming chocolate Jesus.

Alex G/

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The Top 10 Most Batshit “Yahoo Answers” Questions

Remember that show, Kids Say the Darndest Things, briefly hosted by Bill Cosby? Essentially, Mr. Cosby would interview barely coherent children about real world shit and then make a goofy face or sarcastic comment when they replied with a nonsensical answer. I can’t imagine why it was ever cancelled. By now those kids are all grown up and asking retarded questions of their own.

Yahoo! Answers, a web-service whereby anonymous individuals can post a question which others will attempt to answer in a timely fashion, is full of these inane and unpredictably stupid questions and concerns that real people felt strongly enough about to ask millions of people. Here are some of the best of the best…

10. Is it ok to cheat on my gf if its to help her?

“i accidentally got herpes from my ex gf and then i started dating this other girl who i really like. the only problem is she doesnt know i have herpes and she wants to take things to the next level. i really dont want her getting the herpes so is it wrong if i have sex with someone else before her to pass the herpes onto them instead so she doesnt get it? i dont want to cheat on her but its the only way to make sure she doesnt get my herpes and then once ive passed it on well both be clean!”

Answer: You, my friend, are a borderline hero. Barack Obama needs to give back his Nobel Peace Prize and it should be awarded to you. You’ve made science fiction into science fact!

9. How do I know if my Internet is on?

Answer: If your eyes are bleeding, your internet is on.

8. Can I get my mom pregnant?

“After I masturbate, I wash my hands in the bathroom sink. My mother also uses this sink. How probable is it that she will become pregnant?”

Answer: This may come as a surprise to you, but this is actually how you were conceived.

7. My baby has red hair. I don’t like red hair?

“Can you dye the hair at 2 months?”

Answer: It’s too late, I’m afraid. You’ve already made the biggest mistake possible–you gave birth to a ginger.

6. If a vagina isn’t used can it heal up and close?

Answer: Yes. You have to use it at least 10 times per day.

5. I’m concerned that my son has a secret girlfriend?

“My 17 year old son has been very secretive with me lately, recently he has started to refuse to go to church with the family and tonight when I was going through his room I found a magazine with naked men in it. He obviously has a girlfriend that he is hiding from me that brought that magazine into my home and I am afraid they are having intercourse and I am greatly concerned that he is going to get her pregnant.

What should I do about this?”

Answer: It is clear from your predicament that you’re obviously quite a rational and observant human being; therefore, the only advice that I can possibly give–the advice that would undoubtedly assist you the most–would be to recommend that you become a fish.

4. How turn computer monitor into mirror?

“Hi. Does anyone know if it’s possible to use a background that would essentially turn my computer monitor into a mirror? Scanning a mirror doesn’t work.”

Answer: Turn your computer off. Can you see yourself in the black screen? Good. Now never turn it on again.

3. Why are the holes in cats fur always in the right places for their eyes?

Answer: Actually, interestingly enough, 3 out of 10 times, the cat’s fur is put on backwards causing it to shit out its mouth and talk out of its ass–just like you.

2. How to get a human girlfriend?

Answer: It is unlikely that someone who phrases a question like this will ever know a woman’s touch. It is entirely likely, however, that the individual who phrases his question like this is not entirely human, himself.

The dust on his feet complete this portrait of a big baby.

1. When ants start to swarm your semen, is it a sign that your blood glucose level is high and you are diabetic.?

Answer: Allow me to answer your question with a question of my own…Were you jackin’ it at a picnic?

Alex G/

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Celebrity Horseshit: Balloon Boy VS Spoon Boy

alexbwEverybody knows that kids are fucking stupid and do stupid things; but what does it say about adults–grown ups who should know better–when they turn the harmless, dumbass exploits of a stupid kid into a media clusterfuck that captures the hearts and minds of us all?

As you know, this month was the dawn of the Balloon Boy (and yes, I’m aware I’ve already written an article about it)…(and yes, I’m aware of the irony that by bringing it up again I’m only contributing to the mindless media that continues to fan the flames)…but fuck you.

But while you’re all tied in knots over little Falcon Heene, you may have let another ankle-biter slip by unnoticed. His name is Zachary Christie. He’s six year’s old and cute as a cunt; but what you may not know is his story. Thank christ I’m here to tell you, right?

Just wait til he joins the NRA

Just wait 'til he joins the NRA

Zachary is a Cub Scout who went to school with his “favorite” spoon, which just so happened to be attached to a Swiss fucking Army fucking Knife. He was suspended from school and sent to spend 45 days in an alternative school for trouble-makers and no-goodniks.

This may have been a bit harsh, but he parents (along with thousands of people who should mind their own fucking business) have intervened and complained about how stupid and unfair this was. Unfair–maybe–but the stupid kid brought a knife to school, and his parents let him!

Would I be a happy camper if I had to share my first grade class with a kid carrying a knife in his pocket? Fuck no!

Zach’s best media quote has been: “I had absolutely no idea it was gonna happen!” Really? You’re six. You have absolutely no idea that puberty’s gonna happen either.

In response to the whole media outrage, the Delaware school has decided to only suspend Lil’ Z, and has changed their policy so that Kindergarten and First Grade kids won’t have to go to the evil school as punishment.

What must that school be like? I’m picturing a bunch of little elementary school kids covered in dirt and shit, shackled to their desks, wondering how the fuck they ended up there in the first place.

But even if that were the case, they would all be thinking, “We’re the lucky ones. They still haven’t taken little Falcon away from Ma and Pa Batshit.”

Im not finished yet, FUCKERS!

I'm not finished yet, FUCKERS!

And if you thought that the Balloon Boy coverage was over–holy shit–you’re fucking wrong. This shit has only just begun! While CNN has dropped the story from their front page, many “news” websites are digging deeper, even to the point of using tabloids as resources.

As this story–obviously the most monumental event of the decade–gains steam, the hoax becomes more and more apparent. Police are now (supposedly) looking into those who claim to have business connections with Papa Fruit Loop, involving his plans to base a reality show around his family with staged events (like ballooning a boy…I guess).

So, now we have two “boys” with more media hype than parental supervision (one considerably more significant than the other); which leads me to ask the important question: What stupid child’s dumbass exploits can we blow out of proportion next?

Alex G/

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The Greatest Story Never Told: A Wholly Unbalanced Review of ‘Where the Wild Things Are’

alexbwIf you’ve never done drugs and for some reason you have the natural instinct to be curious about what all of the hubbub is aboot, save your time, effort, and inevitable physical breakdown and just see Where the Wild Things Are. Typically, in a review for a children’s film, you wouldn’t see the phrase “fucking brilliant,” but there is really no other appropriate way to describe it. The film is about as much of a “kids’ flick” as Who Framed Roger Rabbit or The Dark Crystal–and is undoubtedly made more for adults who read the book as children, than specifically for kids.

So What’s the Big Deal? When Maurice Sendak wrote Where the Wild Things Are, it was met with shitty reviews and–even worse–it was banned from some school libraries. After a few years in the public eye, schools and libraries found that Where the Wild Things Are was one of the most popular books among children. Then, it began to win awards–such is life.

Creepy.

Creepy.

The book itself isn’t that great. It was one of my favorites as a kid, but there was very little to it. Maurice Sendak always had a creepy, psychotic, and anarchistic element to his stories and poems, which I enjoyed a lot…but Where the Wild Things Are might have been his weakest.

That being said, the book had a certain quality to it that made it seem more awesome that it actually was. It gave you a sense of escapism and freedom that was never really structured or explained.

The Story? The story given to us by Sendak is that of little Max–a hyperactive kid in a wolf costume–who tells his mother that he’s going to “eat her up.” She sends him to his room without supper and he imagines himself escaping to a land of giant monsters. The monsters make Max their king and celebrate him as a bringer of happiness. Max gets lonely and goes home where there is a bowl of soup waiting for him.

Not everyones imaginations backfire on them...Just Max.

Not everyone's imaginations backfire on them...Just Max.

The book never really says that Max imagined this, but to an adult, it’s implied. The movie goes way farther into personal issues, emotions, and the mentality of a young child. I won’t say anything else about the film’s plot, except that it tells the same story as the book, in a more magnificent light.

Should I See It? If you’re a progressive parent with a fairly open mind, you’ll be better for it if you take your kids to see this; but be forewarned that you’ll probably be up all night reflecting on the film while your kid sleeps peacefully, dreaming of this fantastic adventure. Adults will no-doubt see more in this film than children, which should imply that it’s a good movie.

But what sets Where the Wild Things Are apart from other “kidult” movies is its complexity. There is so much emotion packed into this movie that, if you don’t cry, you’ll be holding it back for 2 hours.

Not a remake of THIS movie.

Not a remake of THIS movie.

The movie has no shame about pretending to be a kids’ flick. It embraces it, from the playful opening credits to the whimsical music by Karen O (Yeah Yeah Yeahs)–which plays perfectly almost as a supporting cast member.

Max Record, who plays MAX, is perfectly reflected by the James Gandolfini Wild Thing, CAROL. Gandolfini has finally found a role where his overly aggressive tranquilized bear nose-breathing actually fits the character he’s playing.

Like a giant teddy bear.

Like a giant teddy bear.

I don’t know why, but I’ve always had a slight bias in favor of R-rated movies. Ever since I was old enough to watch them, I felt that PG and PG-13-rated movies were holding something back to appeal to an audience they didn’t really need.

Where the Wild Things Are holds nothing back. Its writers Spike Jonze and Dave Eggers set out to prove that although we’ve all grown up, the child inside is still very much alive.

Alex G/

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What the Fuck Happened?: As Seen on TV

alexbwWas there a specific moment that slipped by the collective conscious of the entire world, or have we all just gone batshit insane? Either way, we’ve all gone soft on the As Seen on TV product marketing schemes perpetrated by the likes of Billy Mays and Vince Shlomi (a.k.a. The Sham-Wow guy).

I recall a time when the educated American would see a commercial for (insert product name here) on television and change the channel, or at least laugh it off. Now, we’ve become so engrossed in a culture of instant satisfaction that we believe any nonsense claim that a spokesperson shoves down our throat, regardless of the ludicrous  fucking impracticality.

While I suppose there’s no harm in spending $9.95 for a cheese grater for your feet or a super-absorbent, well, anything, the more we look past this super-enticing opiate of the masses, the more we will be squeezed in its python-like grasp until we are robbed of cash and oxygen.

Anyone who has a Lionel Coinbank in their home is surely psychotic in such a way that only years of study by a team of analysts could figure out. Similarly with anyone who found a way to purchase this product without collapsing a lung with laughter:

When I was young(er), I was brought up to believe that these commercials were not only asinine, but specifically targeted towards to dimwitted and intellectually bankrupt.

If you honestly need the MagneScribe as much as the individuals in the commercial, you’ve probably been writing all of your lists and important documents in your own feces for the past few years.

The non-product product is the most impressive beast in the As Seen on TV kingdom. The art of creating the insatiable need in the viewer’s mind for a product that they not only don’t need but also already own is a practice these fuckers have mastered well.

I suppose my biggest issue with the resurgence of the As Seen on TV products is the fact that they seem to be everywhere now. Is it just me misremembering my childhood, or did these commercials used to only be on during Grandma’s afternoon Stories and late at night for the impressionable somnambulist/drug-addict crowd? They’re on all the time now–invading the casual television and radio-space of us normals.

As entertainingly idiotic as these commercials are, I’m sincere in my desire for them to go the fuck away forever. In these tough economic times, we need to be spending money wisely…and if I need a new potato peeler, I’ll go for one that isn’t impractically ri-cunting-diculous.

Alex G.

(submit your own “What the Fuck Happened?” article to SuperDPS@gmail.com)

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