A lot of people like to post top ten lists. And generally, these lists are interesting to read, if only for the controversy they’re sure to create. Top 10 dictators of Latin America? We could go all afternoon, debating between the likes of Peron, Batista, Castro, Duvalier, and what not. Top Ten Types of STDs? Done to death. Literally. AIDS wins hands down. In that spirit, I would like to honor a forgotten hero in our everyday lives: Paper. We’re surrounded by it. We need it to survive. But, why no Top Ten? Well, your days of looking for the definitive top ten types of paper are over. Cause here it is.
Simple and useful. The paper towel offers a versatile, environment destroying method of cleaning nearly any type of mess. However, the paper towel isn’t as great as one would initially think. For one, have you ever tried writing on one? Doesn’t work out very well. You gotta press down on your pen really hard. Then, often times, rather than actually writing on the paper towel, you just end up ripping through it. Also, whenever you need a paper towel the most, you’re out. What’s up with that? Paper towel companies should know when you’re going to need the product the most and make rolls that size.
Bored in class? The office? At an actual football game? Just take a piece of paper, fold it a couple times and you have minutes of entertainment! The game involves pushing it about a desk or flat surface and flicking it between the fingers of your opponent. Unfortunately, paper football comes at a terrible price. Every year, 17% of lost eyes are attributable to paper football accidents.
If you have an obnoxious message that can only be said on an equally obnoxious sized medium and are willing to hold said message like a jackass for all to see, then this one’s for you. As any sports fan will tell you, messages on posters that rhyme or cleverly take into account the target’s nickname are infinitely better than ones that don’t. For instance, “A-Fraud” is good, cuz it kinda rhymes with A-Rod. However, “Hey, Jeter, I’m Fucking Your Mother!” while possibly true, is not very good. I wonder, do athletes look up and say “Shit, do these people really think that about me?” or better yet, can they even see the posters? As an aside, posters are also much more effective if wielded by hot chicks in skimpy costumes. Case in point: I was driving when I passed by a gas station where some local youths set up a car wash to raise some money for something I’m sure I don’t care about. The poster advertising the car wash was held by a girl about 15 or so, but she was wearing a baggy tee-shirt and sweatpants. Put her in a bikini and then we’ll talk.
Nothing says class like opening up the newspaper on a lazy Sunday afternoon and complaining about the Middle East. But, it’s not enough to learn about the news by merely reading it. No, I like to rub my thumbs across the newspaper as hard as possible, so the ink all gets on my fingers. This way, not only do I absorb the news in my mind, but I also absorb it into my skin. At about .50 per day, it’s also the cheapest way to learn about current events, except for every other medium currently available.
Cardboard is very strong and useful and that’s why it appears on the list. It was also invented by the Communists to take control of our factories. Think about it. Boxes are made in China. We store everything we produce in our factories in boxes. How long will it be until the Communists enact phase 2 of their plan to take control of the world’s means of production and attach legs to the boxes? It is up to us, and the Illuminati, to stop the secret cabal of Communists and steal the secret formula for producing cardboard. Because until we know for ourselves how to produce cardboard, we will always be oppressed by our totalitarian dictators. That it the importance of cardboard.
Just as cardboard was invented by Communists, glossy paper was invented by Capitalists. Glossy paper frequently appears in magazines and circulars and tells you to buy things. Things you don’t even need. You can’t do much else with it. It isn’t very strong, so you can’t really carry stuff in it. Its finish generally makes it unsuitable for writing, as ink will smear all over. All it can do is tell you to buy things. But, as Capitalism >>> Communism, glossy paper must always be considered greater than cardboard.
Commercial paper is a type of short term debt instrument issued by corporations that allow said corporation to obtain short term funding without going through the drudgery of filing securities with the SEC. Commercial paper allows the issuing company to acquire much needed funds at the drop of a hat to keep up with the lightning quick economy. The purchasing companies are not banks, but instead other corporations who are willing to accept the risk of unsecured debt. Commercial paper keeps our economy moving fluidly and efficiently. Hey, one of these had to be serious.
3. The Constitution
God Bless it. And God Bless the Republicans, who keep a watchful eye over it. Its importance to America is unquestioned; it is responsible for the freedoms we take for granted, the freedoms that separate us from Afghanis. But, here’s my problem with the Constitution: How could it not say anything about illegal immigrants from Mexico? Don’t give me any of that “it’s over 200 years old and when it was written, nobody even heard of Mexico” bullshit. If Ben Franklin was so great, why didn’t he build a fucking time machine, come to our time, see what our problems were, then go back and put safeguards in place to protect us? Like I’m supposed to be impressed by two different types of glasses fused together. Franklin’s the reason we’re in this mess. All of that notwithstanding, the Constitution is a pretty important piece of paper.
The paper crane is an impressive beast. Tame it, and you’ve conquered beginner’s origami. All kidding aside, imagine the creativity it must have taken to see a flat piece of paper, think about folding it a bunch of times and coming out with a perfectly usable, elegant toy. Plus, if you can make a crane good enough that you can do it by memory, it almost makes you look like you have a talent. Not a bad way to spend a Saturday afternoon.
The paper bag is the best type of paper and I will tell you why. Because you can put anything you want in there. You see that bum on the street drinking alcohol, the bottle of which remains in the paper bag? You don’t know what he’s drinking. For all you know, it could be an expensive bottle of Merlot. All of a sudden, he’s the classiest bum in the world. A king among kings. All cuz of that bag. Another, perfectly reasonable reason why the paper bag is king: imagine bringing your heroine into work one day when you get pulled over by the cops. You roll down the window, sweat beading on your forehead. The first thing the cop asks you: “You got any drugs in there?” Now, if you were only using a Ziploc bag, you’re done. The cop will give a look around and you’ll get 5 to 10. But, you have a paper bag. So when the officer asks if you have drugs, now you can calmly say, “Nope, officer, just bringing my lunch to the office today”. The paper bag is an impregnable fortress and for that, it is the greatest type of paper in the world.
–”Responsible” Dan Polykov (Honorary Super Dude!)