It’s a fairly safe bet that if you’ve ever seen or heard of television, you’ve come across To Catch a Predator at some point. Unfortunately, I’ve willingly subjected myself to a Sunday Marathon and volunteered for the spectator sport of Predator-Nabbing.
After viewing an unarguably unhealthy amount of Dateline‘s hilariously repetitive “investigative journalism,” I’ve noticed quite a few interesting elements that I thought I’d share with all of you fine people.
To Catch a Predator: The 5-Step Plan
Step 1. Find a strong-willed girl over 18 to have non-stop cyber sex with creepers
Aside from the handful of occasions where the wide-eyed gentlemen had been trolling the internets for young boys, all of the scary middle-agers are after high school girls; which, as we learned from Dazed and Confused, stay the same age no matter how old you get.
Chris Hansen seems to always have a young woman put herself and her potentially weak stomach at risk having them pretend to be either a teen girl or boy and put on a virtual show. It seems odd that they would need an actual young woman to trick these near-retarded rednecks into a sex-sting…but maybe that’s just me reading too much into it.
The unforgivable individuals who are 30 and over truly have no excuse; but I’m watching Chris Hansen bust 20-year-olds who are expecting to hang out with a dirty-talking slutty 16 year old…something seems somewhat off about that.
Consider for a moment that if your parents are more than 3 or 4 years apart and met when she was still in High School…and this show existed…Daddy could very well have been in the hot seat.
Step 2. Don’t concentrate on sex appeal; go right for the McDonald’s
Chris Hansen knows that if there’s anything rednecks love more than degenerative sex, it’s fast food and sweet tea!
After an unprecedented marathon of frightened hillbillies, I noticed that a majority of them brought McDonald’s bags to the chick’s “house” and are greeted with either Sweet Tea or Cookies.
Who the fuck brings McDonald’s to a sexual encounter?
If it wasn’t bad enough that each and every one of these sons of the soil was overweight and developmentally disabled, they have to give a bad name to fast food junkies everywhere as well.
“Hi, I’m Chris Hansen; and if you like cheap, greasy food, you’re a pedophile.”
Step 3. Show those creepers and pederasts you’ve got a quick wit
The moment that Chris Hansen pops out and greets the potential offender is the most priceless several seconds television may ever offer…and he always has something clever to say.
“I guess I wasn’t the surprise you had in mind!”
I only wish NBC would take a lesson from Ashton Kutcher and have the men look into the camera at the end and say “I just got Predator’d!”
Step 4. Make sure you have a team of 20 cops to take the fucker down like he’s a 300 pound Grizzly
I fully understand that all precautions must be taken, and that any of these perverts could potentially be very dangerous; but when you see 30 cops slam a tubby computer nerd holding a Taco Bell bag onto the pavement, you almost feel bad for him.
I don’t want to sound like I’m defending the hypothetical sex that these individuals would have with a hypothetical underage girl, but their idiotic hypothetical crimes of passion don’t seem worthy of treating them as if they just broke out of prison and robbed a bank.
Look, dudes, you made a horrific mistake that you hopefully won’t be making again any time in the foreseeable future; but just for future reference, here’s some friendly advice…
…the only two ways you can get away with legally diddling kids are if you’re either a fundamentalist Muslim or if you’re Joseph, the father of Jesus, who left a life of being part of a royal bloodline just so he could bone a 13-year-old paranoid schizophrenic.
Step 5. Be Chris Hansen
All kidding aside, the only person who could get away with this kind of hilarious entrapment is Mr. Hansen himself. Police encourage you not to try to be a Predator-Catcher on your own time, unless you want to cover yourself in mud and hide in the jungle. Pedophiles can sense your body heat.
Maybe you should start emulating Joey Greco from Cheaters. At least then you don’t have to dig through the personal belongings of people who live in their fucking trucks.
…or go through piles and piles of weird MSN chat logs and photos of genitals.
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