(Your first reaction should be “What? Who is Perez Hilton?” Unfortunately, it isn’t…you know exactly who he is along with Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. Well, I heard about this controversy today over his alleged assault by–not Will.I.Am–but, his manager. This was much less entertaining to hear; however, I waited a few more minutes, and was greeted with a fucking glorious 11-minute explanation of the events of that fated evening by none other than Perez Hilton himself.
It took about 30 minutes to transcript this ridiculous verbal tirade, but I did it…and it is beautiful. Enjoy!)
(UPDATE: I decided it would only be appropriate to make my OWN parody of this ridiculous rant, so here it is…in all of its glory…for you all to see!)
SuperDPS VS Will.I.Am and Perez Hilton – Click here for the most popular videos
Hey everyone IT IS Perez…and I am making this video as Mario Lavandeira. That is my legal name.
What happened to me in Toronto happened to me as a human being and it should not happen to anyone.
Violence is never the answer EVER. No matter what anyone says.
Blood should never be drawn. Another person should never be hit.
That’s why people die.
So, I came to Toronto for the Much Music Video Awards where I was a presenter. Saturday night, I went to the dress rehearsals with Lady Gaga.
The Black Eyed Peas were also rehearsing on Saturday Night.
Fergie saw me and came up to me. And she said “Hey, why are you being mean? Why are you being angry? I thought we were cool.”
And I told her,“I’m not angry at you…and the new single has grown on me…” I was being honest. I was being honest and I was letting her have her moment.
I’m a big boy. I dish it. I can take it. I will let people have their moment. You know, I know that I say things that can really upset people. But that’s never a reason to hit someone.
I’ve been doing this for five years now, and nothing like this has EVER happened to me. I’ve had people scream at me, I’ve had people write nasty things on other blogs. I’ve had people sue me. But I’ve never had someone attack me like this.
It’s wrong, and I’m not going to stand for it. And Will I Am made a video…and he LIED. Will I Am is a coward and a disgusting human being for lying. And I’m making a video because I want to make it CLEAR. I would NEVER make up something like this.
I would NEVER lie about something so SERIOUS. I have 10 million plus people who visit my website every DAY. I don’t NEED press.
I don’t NEED publicity. I don’t NEED or WANT this.
I didn’t ASK for this. I didn’t DESERVE this.
I like writing about other people’s drama.
I don’t want drama in my own life.
So Saturday…Sunday at the Much Music Awards, I was presenting and I did a skit with the Jonas Brothers. Before that happened, the Black Eyed Peas performed on the live show.
One member of their entourage elbow—shouldered me. He passed by me; there’s a lot of people walking, and he aggressively went like (boosh!) y’know like a very macho uh, agro thing.
Later that night when I was being interviewed, several media outlets asked me “Perez, was there any media gossip from the awards show that you can share?”
And I said “Well, not much…although I did have one agro moment from a member of the Black Eyed Peas’ entourage that shouldered me…that pushed me…but y’know, I brushed it aside.”
I never THOUGHT that something would escalate from that.
After the awards were over, I went to an after party at ULTRA. Where once again Fergie saw me and came up to me and said “Hey Perez! Ya know, man, I thought we were so cool.”
And I said to her, “Listen, it’s all SILLY…and y’know I think I can be objective. And when you hit a home run, I will applaud you for that. And when you released your solo album, it was a great album and I gave you props for that, and you deserved it.”
Like, I can’t believe that people got so upset about me not liking their music, or, like…you know…me saying that Fergie’s Fugly, or whatever!
Then, Will I Am did this blog and not only did he LIE, but he said that Fergie came up to him and told him they had this thing and she’s like his sister and all that…
Anyways…we left the club, ULTRA, and the Black Eyed Peas stayed behind. We go to another after party for Universal Music at this venue called COBRA.
We were there for like…an hour. We get ready to leave around 2:30 or 3 in the morning, and as we were actually getting ready to leave, Will I Am from the Black Eyed Peas comes into the club, SEES me like a Heat Seeking Missile and comes toward me!
And he says: “Yo, I need you to do me a favah. I need you to nevah write about my band on your website again.”
RIGHT IN MY FACE—he was saying this. Very aggressively.
I was not wanting or trying to antagonizing…antagonize him…so I say “Okay, I’ll try.”
And he’s like, “NO! I need you to NEVAH write about mah BAND on your WEBSITE again!”
He’s like THIS close to me, and SCREAMING.
And I was like, “Listen, I can’t make any promises, but I’ll try.”
And then he’s like, “Why are you disrespecting me?”
And I was like, “I’m not disrespecting you.” And I gave him the whole shpiel again that I gave Fergie.
And I was honest. I told him, listen…You know, I love what you did with the Pussycat Dolls. I love the work that you also did with Fergie’s solo album.
He’s like, “You need to respect me.”
And at that point, in my mind, I was like…I am not going to let this MAN intimidate me, which he was CLEARLY trying to do.
And that was the REASON he came seeking me out. I am not afraid of him, and I was saying that…in my head.
And I told him, “You know what? No. I don’t need to respect you. I don’t respect you!” And that’s when I made the split second decision that I was gonna say what I thought was the worst possible thing that that THUG would EVER want to hear…
Cause I was standing my ground without being violent or physical, which I would never do.
I told him, “And you know what? I don’t need to respect you! And you’re a FAG. You’re gay, and stop being such a FAGGOT.”
And then I knew it was going to set him off. But I didn’t want to get into a fight with this person, so we left. We leave. We left the club.
And as soon as we leave, there’s Will I Am AGAIN outside of the club! He FOLLOWED us OUT SIDE!
Then, his Manager, Polo…whom I have MET BEFORE…from behind he comes up to me, cl-ocks me in the eye right HERE and punches me two or three times.
I am in SHOCK. I just did not know what to do. I touch my eye and it was bleeding. I see my fingertips and it is bleeding!
I think my eye might be falling out of my head! I’m in shock, I’m carried away, everyone’s trying to avoid a scene, I’m thinking worst case scenario…
I didn’t know what was happening…I sfadsofds…
I am STILL in shock…I mean, nothing like this has EVER happened BEFORE!
It is Unacceptable, and talk about UN-professional!
I can not wrap my brain—big or little as it may be—that a PERSON who functions in the capacity of a MANAGER, who is supposed to be a professional would do something so UN-professional and ILLEGAL.
And Will I Am, Fuck YOU! Because you fucking LIED, you FUCKING mother FUCKER!
You KNOW VERY WELL. And I KNOW VERY WELL!
AND GOD KNOWS…that it was NOT a RANDOM FAN that hit me!!
You said that a random FAN hit me in the video you made; You are a FUCKING liar!
You think Fergie’s happy with what happened? I hope not!
I think Fergie’s ASHAMED of you and POLO!
You’re shameful. You’re disgusting! You are Sub-Human…and you know what, MOTHER FUCKER?! Will I Am, I would have had more respect for you if you had hit me yourself!
You are a coward!
So, after this happened, we leave, and we go back to the hotel…(starts to get teary eyed)…and Will I Am FOLLOWED US to the hotel!
Which is where they were also staying…
At this point, I am freaking out! WHY did they just follow us outside of the club?! I’m attacked, I’m bleeding, and they’re FOLLOWING US BACK TO THE HOTEL!
I’m thinking ‘Oh my god! This PERSON just hit me….what if something else happens?!’
I was in shock, I didn’t know what to do. I did what should be done when someone is assaulted and you are in fear of your safety!
I called the Police.
Even though Gaga had a bodyguard…what if one of these people had a gun?! And came, and wanted to do something else?!
So I called 911…I talked to the police, and they explained to me that, you know, they would try to make it, but that there were actual emergencies going on.
But I was in FEAR for my Safety. And I had been assaulted…and if you are a victim of violence, SPEAK OUT.
Because no one deserves that. Violence is NEVER the answer. I could have told Will I Am I hope he dies…
I could have told him that I hope Fergie sits on a stick and impales herself.
I could have said anything I WANTED. That was NOT an excuse for THEIR MANAGER to attack me!!
So when the police are taking their time and not coming, I’m freaking out—I took to Twitter because I was in shock and I felt helpless.
And that was my very public cry for help. And to all of those people who expressed concern and who called the police…THANK YOU…(cries)…from the bottom of my heart…
Thank you. Because I am a human being…and no one deserves to be treated that way.
Violence is never the answer. And I would never make something like this up…or try to use something like this for press…because I don’t need it…
And I don’t need anything that happened. And FUCK YOU Will I Am for lying. SHAME ON YOU…God is looking down on you and SHAMING you…
And you know what? I may not do something that makes everyone happy or proud, but I would never hurt someone like that…and I did not deserve what happened to me.
Fuck you, you fucking Coward…fuck you BOTH!
I’ve lost respect for ALL of you in the Black Eyed Peas, and Fergie…YOU’RE FUGLY, BITCH!
(deep breaths through tears and snot)
(comedy ensues)
–Alex G.
