Tag Archives: chimp

February 25, 2009 · 10:00 am

Chimpanzee That!

AlexIn a recent article, I mentioned the ridiculous and intellectually offensive item in the news regarding a certain political cartoon. I know you’re all sick of seeing it, but here it is:

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This Chimp represents nothing more than a Chimp. (Not Pictured: Al Sharpton representing a Horse's Ass.)

I don’t know why, but I am extremely frightened by the outrage that this cartoon has caused. Actually, that’s a lie. I know exactly why I’m frightened. I’m terrified because the attacks that this cartoon has prevoked could potentially serve to take away the essential freedom in this country to criticize our government.

These attacks are reminiscent of those made by Muslims over the cartoons, in the Netherlands, featuring various depictions of Muhammad in various situations. In the Netherlands, however, these violent protests and threats of murder served to reduce the government to something close to the consistancy of a bowl of pudding. This has also happened in Great Britain.

Our story thus far is a bit different. People are outraged, but they are not violent. People are fed up, but they’re not threatening the lives of the cartoonist or the fine people at The New York Post. That’s a very good thing.

But do these blind dogs even know what they’re barking at? Those who were offended by the cartoon (which mostly included African Americans) called for a formal apology as well as the tarring and feathering of those involved in the cartoon’s production.

They fished their wish, so far. The paper apologized, but they apologized conditionally. They apologized in such a way to suggest that they did nothing wrong. Now The New York Post has never been a very decent paper, but I must say: Good For Them!

They have nothing to apologize for; but if they had to give an apology, I’m glad they basically said: “Sorry if you were offended, but we didn’t do anything wrong.”

If the cartoon had depicted a black man (or President Obama) being shot in some kind of racist spirit, a Newspaper who wants to claim that it is staffed by responsible journalists must (and I repeat must) apologize for that disgrace. But The New York Post, nor the Cartoonist, nor the Editor-in-Chief did anything wrong. They should not have to bow down and bend over backwards for a bunch of whiny cunts who choose to see teenage tits in a Magic Eye painting.

1. The Chimpanzee does not represent any human.

2. There was a Chimpanzee that was shot and killed, so the cartoon is within the context of that news story.

3. The cartoon is not a call to assassinate the president, Mr. NAACP.

4. Barack Obama didn’t write the Stimulus Bill, and even if he had, the cartoon is only making a comment that the Bill in question is so poorly conceived and written, that it might as well have been written by a Chimpanzee.

5. Next time a child draws, colors, or pretends to be a Monkey; I want the NAACP to break down that child’s door and call them out for the despicable, unrepentant racist that he is. That’ll show him how we do things in America.

I’ve said this before, and I will say it again…If we allow this kind of random, staggering, infantile bullshit to continue, we will no longer live in a free country. We will live in a country of babysitters, cry-babies, and fools.

Please make this disgraceful protest end. Soon.

We’ll all be better for it.

–alexG.

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February 24, 2009 · 10:00 am

50 Things on the Internet You DON’T Need to See!

AlexRecently (and by which I mean Monday), I came across a website that listed 99 Memes that you NEED to see on the internet.

In this article I will pluck 50(that’s right) from things on this list and describle them The first 30 will be the WORST, hopefully saving you the trouble of wasting as much of your life as I did, re-watching most of them, today. FML. The next group of 20 will be the videos that I think are some of the BEST things on the internet.

Maybe if you look through the list you’ll fine things worse than what I chose to include on this list…well, let me know. But for now, this is it…so suck it.

WORST!!!

1. Tranquilized Bear Hits Trampoline–This is one of those America’s Funniest Video moments that no one thinks is funny. You’ve probably seen this on the news. It happens all the time…and you wind up feeling bad for the bear.

2. Scary Maze Prank–This is another one of those videos that would be on America’s Funniest…mostly due to the fact that the show chooses to highlight the mundane and often painful parts of life and just call them “funny.” This kid should’ve kicked whoever did this to him in the sack.

3. Cuppy Cakes Song–Fat kids are always funny, but this is just annoying and shitty to listen to. Also, this fat ass got to do a talk show circuit…just for being fat and disgusting. Try this when you’re older, kid. No one’s gonna think you’re cute-as-a-button when you’re struggling to breathe.

4. Zero G Dog–A dog struggles with a zero gravity situation. Interesting, but you can watch it for 10 seconds and get the point.

5. Angry German Kid Wants to Play Unreal Tournament–Someone needs to keep this kid away from technology and human beings (anything living) for the rest of his life. Unless this is an act, this kid has some serious fucking problems. It leads me to think: who the shit puts this type of video on the internet? Cruel parents?

6. La Pequena Prohibida–Seriously…what the fuck? Why am I watching this? This can’t be a meme…I don’t want to know anyone who knows what the fuck this is.

7. Kitten Surprise–Kittens playing is always adorable…and then you end it with a surprise. Granted, it was unexpected…but even the kittens are going: “yeah…and?”

8. Best Wedding Toast Ever (Amy’s Song)–This video is waaaay too long. The Best Man (or Maid of Honor) is talented, funny, and clever, but my interest wanes about 10 seconds in.

9. Best Man Trips and Ruins Wedding–Another America’s Funniest Home Video-worthy …thing. I’m still trying to figure out if this is real or not. By real, I mean un-staged. It seems very crisp and very rehearsed. That being said, if it is staged…it’s genius.

10. Techno Viking–There’s nothing to say. It’s a buff guy with a braided beard dancing down the street with other techno-kids. Done.

11. Sneezing Panda–I know, I know…he’s so kyoooooot! I’ve seen this video too many times and it’s really not that great. It takes several views to actually figure out what the fuck just happened. Baby sneezes, mother yelps. Video ends.

12. Monkey Sniffs Finger–If I included the Sneezing Panda, I have to include this as well, regardless of my love of Monkey Humor. A chimp sniffing his finger and falling backwards is only laugh-out-loud funny if you’re Larry the Cable Guy.

13. Dancing Baby–I understand its history…and worth to internet memetics…and Ally McBeal…but…that’s about it.

14. Leeroy Jenkins (Don’t Even Bother Watching)–After reading up on this video, I understand the concept a bit more. However, if you don’t know/like World of Warcraft, you’ll be lost with this video and probably not understand why it exists.

15. Corey Worthington’s Party–Entertaining. It may be a mistake putting it on this list…but, I dunno. You be the judge. A kid’s party gets so out of hand that all of Australia knows about it.

16. Jake E. Lee Guitar Solo–The video is what it sounds like…a guitar solo. Is there anyone who thinks this is good guitar playing? It’s fast and Lee flails around a lot…but…it’s not…GOOD.

17. Tom Cruise Scientology Video–Tom Cruise cements his feet into the Nutty bucket and throws himself into the river of insignificance…but you tend to sound just as crazy when you preach the Gospel, Torah, Qu’ran (sp?) and the like.

18. Don’t Tase Me, Bro!–Everyone’s seen this. Everyone gets it…but maybe you don’t know the full story behind this kid. But, at the same time…does anyone really give a shit?

19. Laughing Baby–One of the worst “baby” videos I’ve ever seen. I don’t understand why this was even on the site. There’s absolutely nothing special about it. There are plenty of cute baby laughing videos…but…it’s as if someone threw a dart at YouTube and put whatever they hit on this list.

20. Leave Britney Alone–Chris Crocker deserves just about every piece of “hate mail” he gets…aside from those regarding his homosexuality. I don’t care if he’s gay, straight, or asexual…he’s fucking annoying and should blip out of existence.

21. Tron Guy–This one may be of some value. Tron Guytalks about Net Neutrality in this video. He uses his own fame to argue for Net Neutrality. I’m torn. I don’t know whether to agree whole-heartily or opt to never have to see this creeper ever again.

22. Drunk Jeff Goldblum–It’s a commercial that’s slowed down half-a-step to make Goldblum appear drunk. It appeared on Attack of the Show. That information itself should prove that it’s probably not even worth watching.

23. Boom Goes the Dynamite–Nothing about this video can’t be gained from watching your local college’s news channel. It is, however, the start of using the phrase “Boom Goes the Dynamite” in a monotonous voice.

24. Lady Punch–…that video where a lady gets socked in the face. Eh.

25. Hampster Dance–This was a big thing when internet garbage was just becoming popular. Annoying as hell. It’s like listening to a ringtone.

26. We Like the Moon–Same as above. If you hate that frog that goes “brrrr-rum-bumbumbumbumbumbumbum”…you’re a rational human being and will likely be annoyed to tears by this video.

27. Pork Chop Sandwiches–I value the G.I. Joe edited clips online. Some of them are hilarious. This video may be the least of them, and I still don’t get what it’s doing on the original list of 99 things…

28. Star Wars Kid–Classic internet meme…but its entertainment value is completely gone.

29. You’re the Man Now, Dog!–This clip itself is irritating beyond the humanly possible, but the site it comes from is one of the best things on the internets.

30. Peanut Butter Jelly Time–Fuck. This. Shit.

BEST!!!

1. Flirting With Magic–Now we get on to the things that I think are hilarious. Old commercials and clips with the bare minimum of production value are always funny. This is no exception.

2. Who Needs a Movie?–Still trying to figure out what the deal with this is. I followed the video to the actual site that these people have and it just seems…odd. I have a feeling that (as with most YouTube gems) this was a serious video at first. When they realized that they can market themselves by being weird and terrible, they took advantage. Just my thoughts…

3. Chad Vader–First off, I love Star Wars, so Star Wars humor wins automatically. Chad Vader is classic internet geek Star Wars humor. But this is for anyone who has any idea who Darth Vader is. The actor who voices/plays Chad Vader was fortunate enough to gain the attention of George Lucas and was cast in the latest Star Wars game: The Force Unleashed.

4. The Pet Penguin–Not only is this one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen, but it’s also one of the most intriguing and awesome animal videos ever. This probably rivals Koko the Monkey and whatever else you can think of. Watch this video and then tell me you have a “special” dog or cat.

5. The Landlord–Funny or Die usually features some pretty great stuff. They manage to gather independent videos done by some of our favorite actors, directors, etc. that they put together in their spare time. This is one of the better ones.

6. Bill O’Reilly Flips Out–We’ve all seen it…we all quote it. Simple as that. Hilarious.

7. Leprechaun in Alabama–I’d actually never seen this video until now, but I had seen the caracature featured in this segment in various places around the interwebs. Probably the best and funniest news story ever. It proves that all local news sucks ass.

8. Where the Hell is Matt?–Not particularly funny or crazy, it’s just really cool and interesting. It shows extreme dedication. Everyone should wish they could be this dude.

9. Bert and Ernie Rap–I remember my first bored-project at school. It was Brokeback Muppet, featuring (you guessed it!) Bert and Ernie!

10. Winnebago Man–Is it constantly funny to see behind-the-scenes footage of people in advertising or media cursing their asses off in the most trivial situations? Yes. Yes it is.

11. BUT…he’s Gay!–Local news fuck-ups are wonderful. Especially this one.

12. Afro Ninja–This is one of those Star Wars Kid classic internet memes…except this one is actually funny. Here’s a question, if you know (and I don’t feel like Googling it)….is there any connection between THIS and Afro Samurai?

13. Fail Blog–One of the greatest sites on the inter–fuck! I just got Rick Roll’d looking for something on YouTube…(not kidding)

14. Homestar Runner–Probably the greatest and most consistant animated site online. I really haven’t been paying as much attention to it as I used to years ago, but it’s always fun to go back to.

15. Bubb Rubb–This is another one of those terrible local news stories that turned out to be YouTube gold. Woo Woo!

16. Yatta–An old old favorite for me. It doesn’t get much more obscure and strange than this.

17. Charlie Bit Me–And this would be one of those mentioned “baby” videos that actually works and has spread through the web and television community like herpes in New Jersey. Oh, did I say herpes? I meant explosive diarrhea.

18. The Flying Spaghetti Monster–One small step for man, one giant leap for Creativity and Atheism. Let’s hope this kind of individual awesomeness doesn’t fade away. A challenge to the Creationist Movement couldn’t be more well-done.

19. All Your Base Are Belong to Us–Kinda dumb, but I love it. Engrish always brings warmth to my cold cold heart.

20. Christian the Lion–I’m sorry I ended the list with this, but I needed one more to fill this spot. I’ve never seen this video before today, and now I know why. I can’t honestly say that it’s worth watching, but I thought it was pretty funny and well done. At first glance, it seems like the Penguin video, but I’m fairly certain this lion is trying to tear someone’s throat out.

 

–alexG

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February 20, 2009 · 8:09 pm

A Warm Recession

AlexJudging by the epidemic of lay-offs, stock market plunges, and clusterfuck pissing competitions throughout the Legislative Branch, our country seems to be (for lack of a better phrase) bucked-fackwards.

While this financial game of Jenga plays out, we can do nothing but scream from the comfort of our own homes tents cardboard kingdoms for our elected officials to “Pull ANY block but THAT one!”

It’s important to remain optimisticin the grim face of pure in-discriminatory terror. America has a habit of bouncing back, even if it may be at the expense of millions of financially insecure citizens…and one poor, blood-thirsty chimpanzee.

This leads me into our next problem–one that may be larger and more significant than another “Great Depression.”

This involves a considerably serious double-standard that appears to be taking place in these first months of the Obama Administration.

Let it be said that if nothing else, George W. Bush generated a mass interest in politics that may not have existed to this extent since the days of old.

People discuss politics now. People vote and have opinions–even if, in most cases, they are the wrong ones.

It is for this reason that Obama is suffering more than the economic wrath that the gods hath inflicted upon this cursed hemisphere. He is suffering through unanticipated scrutiny. This is a good thing. Every public official should be so unlucky.

The problem is that because our new president is being so over-scrutinized, there remain blind-f0llowers on the opposite side who cry foul whenever anyone says anything slightly negative or asks a fucking question.

It’s gotten to the point when the night’s news is focused on moral outrage regarding a political cartoon of police shooting a chimpanzee.

This was an actual NEWS STORY. Police shot a chimpanzee who freaked out and tore someone’s face off. Which is really no reason to kill the animal. Tranquilize it, sure…but tearing faces off and being aggressive is what Chimpanzees DO. It’s like killing Yogi for swiping pic-a-nic-baskets…and eating faces.

There are probably plenty of reasons to shit on the writers of The New York Post, but this cartoon is not one of them. Arguably mentally ill activists are tearing the cartoonist behind this work of art a new asshole because they see the Chimpanzee as representative of Barack Obama.

Now, who is the real racist here? The one who drew the cartoon with no racial motive, or those who march with Al Sharpton to the beat of their own pretentious drums, casually calling any depiction of a Chimp a racial slur?

This is where we fail. This is where humanity fails. When we sacrifice our freedom of speech for our own paranoid comfort, we become no better than the cunts and pussies that make up the governments of Great Britain and Holland.

When our newspapers are afraid to print articles of social commentary because of the perceived outcome, we fail as a Free Country.

(There is the possibility of irresponsible journalism or works that  encourage violence against others, but that’s a different story.)

We can not allow this to continue to happen. It is our duty to know, realize and stand up for the most basic rights of the people in this country. Even if we don’t agree, find them offensive, or have a complete cranial mis-fire and blurt out some of the most epic bullshit this country has ever had the misfortune of storing in our collective long-term memory.

 

–alexG.

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