Before you start to fling about your rampant accusations, let me just say–in my defense–that I am inflicted with the most horribly debilitating of physical and psychological diseases. No, it’s not Swine Flu. It’s Summer Laziness. The symptoms of which are chronic procrastination, writer’s block, and an ever-increasing ass-groove in what had once been a perfectly usable sofa.
I have written (and brought forth from others) a plethora of fine material with which all you fun-junkies can shoot up, snuff up, or swallow up for quite some time. My recent activity has been lax; and by lax I mean insignificant; and by insignificant I mean I’ve done fuck all in the past few days.
I’m granting Dave (the recently missing member of the site) a bit of a grace period for article writing. Truth be told, by this I mean, I just don’t have the energy to demand much anymore.
I’ll keep up my duties to the best of my ability, while retaining some semblance of unfounded hope that there is some Biblical face-melting Ark of the Covenant full of sparklingly witty original material buried somewhere under the piles of clothes, trash, and artifacts of gobbledygook in Dave’s room; which, if a mini-shit-storm apocalypse should come tomorrow, would be looked upon by future generations of Archaeologist Mole People with puzzled solemnity.
Fuck that was a long sentence.
Now, let’s get to all those new Movie Trailers that you may or may not need to see (unless you can’t see–in which case, don’t go to the movies. You’ll creep people out).
Pontypool–The tag line is “Shut Up or Die.” Which may be good advice for the Zombie genre. We’ll see if this can make the pain of Zombie Strippers go away.
Sherlock Holmes–Guy Ritchie doing what he does best; making us all forget how fucking boring England really is.
The Brothers Bloom–Wonderful to see the writer/director of one of my favorite movies tackling such a huge film. If the movie meets the expectations presented by the trailer, I’m going to be wading balls-deep through awesomeness.
Gamer–Is there no limit to Gerard Butler’s obscenely polymorphous cinematic valiance? All kidding aside, this looks like the single greatest kick-in-the-cunt action movie ever.
Beyond a Reasonable Doubt–Michael Douglas seems to be prepping his bad-guy game for the inevitable sequel to Wall Street; but even so, this film doesn’t go far beyond being a “fun afternoon” for a bored housewife who doesn’t feel like cracking a book. She will then proceed to tell her children how wonderful and suspenseful the movie was, but when they see it, they’ll be sure to think it sucks beyond a reasonable doubt.
Precious–Oprah and Tyler Perry thought Notorious was unfair and decided to make a movie about a the rise of a morbidly obese girl instead.
9–Seems like one of those Tim Burton movies that no one will really like, but if you work at Hot Topic, you’ll kindof have to force it.
Nine–Yes, that’s right. Same title…just spelled out this time. And this one is a sexy musical starring some women you thought were dead, some you wish were dead, and that guy who drinks your milkshake.
Street Dreams–I have absolutely no interest in this gritty skateboarding flick…and that’s coming from someone who just reviewed Precious just minutes ago.
Aliens in the Attic–Unless this is sequel to Hider in the House, I’m not even going to give it the time of day. No Busey, no Movie!
Baby on Board–Two points. One, they already made this movie. It was called The Break-Up. Two, if this suckfest stays in theaters for more than 48 hours, I’m going to write an angry letter to the President.
The Girlfriend Experience–The big acting debut of porn star Sasha Grey doesn’t look nearly as compelling as it probably should. I picture her doing an artsy flick, but this looks stale and unfinished. I feel like I’m back in art school.
The Ugly Truth–Remember what I said about Gerard Butler? His rugged charm sucks you in to a trailer that should, by all Matthew McConaughean means repel the shit out of any serious film nut. Fuck you, Gerard Butler! You make me want to see a romantic comedy that anyone with half-a-fucking-gerbil-brain knows what the ending will be!
Yesterday Was a Lie–Sci-Fi Film Noir should have began and ended with Blade Runner. This unwatchable mockery of classic cinema makes Community College Film Students look like Fritz fucking Lang.
Gooby–Try to watch this trailer without laughing. I fucking dare you. This movie looks so appallingly and unfathomably ridiculous that I can’t help but watch it again just to make sure I didn’t make it all up. Warning: Who ever sees this movie has tasted death. What the flying fuck???
Children of Invention–I almost certainly won’t see this in theaters…but I’m not sure why. Must be the Asians.
Twistee Treat–I’m starting to become disillusioned with Independent Film…I applaud the effort, and I’m unmistakably jealous, but I’m still not going to see your shitty movie.
Whatever Works–Larry David as Woody Allen as Larry David.
$9.99–The onslaught of movies with “Nine” in the title is interminable. This film, however, looks beautiful, imaginative, and I almost can’t wait to see it.
District 9–I’ll end with another “Nine” movie here. Maybe Hollyweird is on to something with this whole “Nine” thing. This pseudo-documentary looks brilliant. My faith in the future of cinema has been rejuvenated. If there were some omniscient, omnipresent being living amongst the clouds, this would be the time to thank it, sincerely.
And with that, I shall take my leave of you. Don’t be a stranger, and please keep watching good movies. It’s our only defense against Hollywood feeding us another Summer crap-a-thon.
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