Fuck nostalgia. Everything that disappeared from popular culture probably disappeared for a good reason. Sorry, Gary–it was your time. We moved on, possibly through some theory of memetics; on to bigger and better things. But at the same time, it seems like many things are heading backwards. In a future that we were promised virtual reality and flying cars, we have Nintendo fucking Wii and a giant BP oil spill clusterfuck. So, maybe it’s time to get our minds off of the disappointments for a while and bring back a simpler time–not for the sake of nostalgia–but for the enlightening purpose of recalling how fucking retarded we’ve always been.
10. The Macarena
It was the greatest one-hit-wonder of all time, and rightly so. No one knew the words, we hardly knew the dance…but the fact that everyone was “in on the joke,” made it worthy of sticking around for the better part of a decade. Why bring it back? Something about it removed the hatred and racism in everyone–or maybe that was just the Clinton years (lulz). For some reason, the irritating faux-Latin dance captured the imagination of everyone from expert dance instructors, to drunk hillbillies who just needed a simple distraction to avoid beating on chicks in bars. Who knew?
9. The Rat Tail
It may be argued that this a) never disappeared, or b) was never really a trend to begin with–but you’d both be wrong, because the correct answer is c) Rednecks. Surprisingly, the Rat Tail lost out to the Mullet as the favorite hair-style for the downtrodden. I suppose it’s because the Rat Tail requires too much grooming and attention to detail, and most sons of the soil just can’t be bothered. Why bring it back? It’s time that we show our solidarity with those who don’t “get it,” or “smell presentable.” It’s the future and everyone’s welcome…just not in my house.
We’re all probably too young to even remember Hypercolor, but if you’re reading this, you may be a few years our senior, so hear me out. This fad began in the 80′s, but certainly wiggled its way into (at least) the sorted years of Bush Sr. Hypercolor clothing would alter its color arrangement according to the climate–slightly darker for cooler weather–and slightly cooler for warmer weather. Why bring it back? Why the fuck not? Fashion has become so inscrutable at this point anyway. We might as well add a layer of WTF to the mixture. And if someone asks you how it works, you can really blow their fragile little minds and say, “Scientology.”
7. “Girl Power”
If there was ever a “Men’s Movement” in this country, created specifically to combat the social and economic growth of women, it would be this happy accident. The key elements of the Women’s Rights Movement were things like bra burning, Rosie the Riveter, Arts and Leisure, getting out of the house, and wearing pants. These were symbols that most women could stand by as defining their climb up the social ladder…and then came the 90′s. This new movement, brought on specifically by women’s lib anti-Christs like the Spice Girls created a stronger (but also sluttier) woman by way of simply giving men another reason to jack it. Why bring it back? Honestly, no real reason other than that I kind of miss everything that it represented–which was essentially little more than forcing chicks to push their sex appeal to the limit of male fantasy.
6. The High Top
Last hair style, I promise. “But what about the Rachel?” Fuck you. The High Top may have been the best and worst thing to ever happen to Hip Hop. It was a blessing because black kids had an easy way to identify themselves with their heroes on the streets without buying expensive Nikes or gold chains. But it was a curse because, with every young black man constantly adjusting his hair, kicking someone’s ass was a complete crap-shoot. How can you say “no homo” while trying to stay fabulous? It just doesn’t work. Why bring it back? Bring it back so the rappers of today can show that they have a sense of humor and chill the fuck out about how awesome they are.
Yes it was a terrible toy that didn’t even technically even classify as a “toy,” but it taught kids how to gamble, and that was worth every penny. The funny thing about POGs was that the circular pieces of cardboard weren’t easily collectible, familiar, or fun. They were an accessory to win friends and have something to do if you didn’t feel like running around. Nearly everyone I knew played by the rule that whatever POGs you flipped, you kept; so this made for interesting temper tantrums when a prized POG was forfeited to someone you hated. This also, however, served to force players to not be emotionally attached to their POGs–which inevitably resulted in the rapid death of this fad. Why bring it back? It taught three important lessons: how to take advantage of people, how to let go of your worldly possessions, and the most important lesson of all: someone’s always going to dick you over, especially if they have a metal Slammer.
POKeMON was the single largest time-suck in my life. Between the television show, the card game, and the endlessly frustrating series of Nintendo games, I felt my life hastily drifting by. For those of you who don’t know (and shame on you if you don’t), POKeMON was a Japanese phenomenon involving the collecting of 150 fictional monsters via video game or trading card and battling or exchanging them amongst your friends–or just torturing them until they make their parents buy one for them. At its core, it was POGs on crystal meth. Everything POGs did wrong, POKeMON did right–and that’s why it still exists today–in some enhanced and abstract form that an old curmudgeon like myself will never truly understand. Why bring it back? Because I want my Charizard back.
3. AOL Chat Rooms
In this Nanny-era that we’re going through, everyone’s concerned about “cyber-bullying” and “sexting” like they’re some kind of new phenomena that just sprung up overnight like Miley Cyrus’ tits. At the height of AOL (America Online), the only notable web service of its time, numbers of subscribers in the 30 millions would log on and meet people in a variety of chats titled things like Intimate Connections, Hot Moms Home Alone, and Romance 30′s. Of course there were chats for kids, for sports fans, for television followings, etc, but those were never full. The sex and romance chats on AOL were the only reason anyone used the internet and that’s why we have so much pornography on the web today. Any new technology we invent, people are going to want to fuck it. Why bring it back? This was a beautiful time of free love and anonymous sex. You may have had cyber-sex with a man in drag–but you’ll never know! The social network that we all share now is overpowering and totally open. Who wants to go into a chat room only to find out that they’re e-Banging their friend’s mom? Bring back anonymous internet fuckery so that we can be comfortable never knowing if we just rubbed one out talking to your favorite uncle.
2.Dangerous Game Shows (for Kids)
There are plenty of action-packed survival shows, challenge games, and obstacle courses on TV today, but they all involve adults challenging other adults. The game shows of my childhood involved throwing children in replica of an ancient temple filled with traps, pitfalls, and enemy soldiers. I remember when a kid would fail a challenge, he or she would be pelted with pies, drowned in goo, and then kicked down the road so that their peers could have a good laugh. Kids were so detached from computer graphics and green screen technology that they would only embarrass themselves on national cable television. Why bring it back? The long answer would be that we should embrace our childish side by not holding onto our kids with delicate gloves. We should let children be children. Let them get mildly injured, scrape knees, get into trouble once in awhile. Our society needs to loosen up. The short answer? I want to see someone cry.
1. Bill Clinton
Was he the greatest president ever? Definitely not. Was he a pretty damn good president? Eh, maybe. Depends who you ask. But…was he Bill Clinton? Of course he was! Sure he was waging ridiculous wars, making tremendous military mistakes, and getting blown by apple-bottom girls on the side, but who hasn’t, right? I know he’s already served his two terms, but he’s always welcome to come back for more. Why bring it back? Clinton was a fad–he unified a lot of people and upset a lot of people. But the important thing is that during Clinton’s years, everyone considered Al Gore to be the most boring fucking guy on Earth. Now he’s a liberal icon. I don’t understand how we got so turned around! Clinton knew it was time. That’s why he flew into North Korea and rescued those two cute Asian Vanguard journalists. He was telling us all not to worry. He’s still James Bond and he’s still alive. At least teach Obama how to party like a black guy.