Tag Archives: celebrities

Dear John (an article about John Mayer, racism, and moderation)

In case you haven’t heard,  Singer / songwriter John Mayer did an interview with Playboy and certain remarks he made within the interview, sparked some controversy. And just like any good celeb who has a case of verbal dysentery, the press throws the chum into the waters and it becomes a feeding frenzy for the public masses. Everyone needs to have their opinions heard( not that I’m doing anything like that….*whistles a tune*), morons dominate the twitter trending topics and so and so forth.

The controversy lies in several racial remarks John made such as:

PLAYBOY: If you didn’t know you, would you think you’re a douche bag?

MAYER: It depends on what I picked up. My two biggest hits are “Your Body Is a Wonderland” and “Daughters.” If you think those songs are pandering, then you’ll think I’m a douche bag. It’s like I come on very strong. I am a very…I’m just very. V-E-R-Y. And if you can’t handle very, then I’m a douche bag. But I think the world needs a little very. That’s why black people love me.

PLAYBOY: Because you’re very?

MAYER: Someone asked me the other day, “What does it feel like now to have a hood pass?” And by the way, it’s sort of a contradiction in terms, because if you really had a hood pass, you could call it a nigger pass. Why are you pulling a punch and calling it a hood pass if you really have a hood pass? But I said, “I can’t really have a hood pass. I’ve never walked into a restaurant, asked for a table and been told, ‘We’re full.’”

PLAYBOY: It is true; a lot of rappers love you. You recorded with Common and Kanye West, played live with Jay-Z.

MAYER: What is being black? It’s making the most of your life, not taking a single moment for granted. Taking something that’s seen as a struggle and making it work for you, or you’ll die inside. Not to say that my struggle is like the collective struggle of black America. But maybe my struggle is similar to one black dude’s.

PLAYBOY: Do black women throw themselves at you?

MAYER: I don’t think I open myself to it. My dick is sort of like a white supremacist. I’ve got a Benetton heart and a fuckin’ David Duke cock. I’m going to start dating separately from my dick.

So there you have it. That right above you is what’s driving everyone into a “tizzy”. Now, I can’t really delve deep into how it’s racist, etc., how I’m offended, and what we as a people should do about racial remarks. It’s not really my place to say that. Being a white kid from the suburbs who thinks Power of Love by Huey Lewis and the News is in fact, “the shit“. I’m as qualified as the cast of The Jersey Shore doing a guest appearance on Jeopardy (“I’ll take tanning and gold necklaces for 500 Alex! What?! Not a category! COME AT ME BRO!”).

Instead I’m mostly going to address the point that “celebs” say stupid shit. The only thing we as a people should do is take it all with a grain of salt. John Mayer is definitely in that same category. Nothing against the guy because I think he’s hysterical and I don’t care I’ll say it, the guy is a hell of a musician. If you don’t believe me, listen to the John Mayer Trio album. The thing is, John Mayer doesn’t even take himself seriously when it comes to judgment of his character (well until now at least). He constantly comes off as an arrogant asshole in the media, constantly plays games with the press, but we don’t have to like him as a person. I think people have a hard time separating performer from person. Christian Bale isn’t really running around fighting crime in costume, just directors of photography…

I believe in this country, we tend to overreact and over think over small trivial things. Not saying that racism is a small trivial thing, but I think we tend to jump to conclusions a bit too soon and turn into an angry mob over things that could be solved with a shrug. We constantly go over everything in the media with a fine tooth comb and the little bits that we are left with, we analyze to hell and turn it into an eyesore. I highly doubt that John Mayer is a racist, I do believe he’s someone that thought he could use metaphors involving racial slurs and package it as “witty”. That works 0% of the time. It’s the wrong audience to pitch to, the majority doesn’t have the mindset for it. It’s like trading bar tending tips at an AA meeting.

http://images.businessweek.com/ss/06/11/1120_heroes/image/hughhefner3.jpg

Well Hugh must be enjoying the press! by the way, That couch is made of real sabretooth tiger that Hugh hunted himself!

Moderation is not exactly this country’s strongest point. There’s a study of people eating poorly? Make sure Mcdonalds serves healthy food! My kid is getting fat! We’ll take away chips and candy and have vending machines that serve healthy food! Yet in Roxborough, Philadelphia (where I grew up); there’s three Dunkin Donuts on one avenue. Does that make any fucking sense?! You get fat because you constantly eat at McDonalds. Well… it’s McDonalds, if you wanted to eat healthier, go to a Salad Works. The giant french fry arches you saw 100 feet away when you pulled up there should’ve told you that. Your kid is fat? Pack him healthy lunches. Education and common sense are two things that are fucking critical and we never use them. Again, solved with a shrug.

Just like this current controversy. Instead of being shocked and appalled by what John Mayer says, we should take it into moderation and not cling on to every word he says. Celebs should be viewed as old men with dementia, 90% is inane babbling and you just reply with, yeah yeah ok pops..

http://sarafine.files.wordpress.com/2009/10/john-mayer-face.jpg?w=282&h=282

You can't take him seriously folks, I ask you to draw your attention to exhibit A

I also believe that most people didn’t read the whole interview and just jumped straight into that particular part and formed opinions. If you did read most of it you can tell which parts are him just dicking around and which parts are actually sincere. There’s no cryptic messages that need deciphering to figure out which one is which. When he talks about himself it’s mostly a running joke, when he talks about music, it’s a lot more real.

I’ll repeat myself when I say that John Mayer is not a racist. Remember the outburst Michael Richards had on stage? That was racism. That came from a really dark hateful place too quickly and too easily. In Mayer’s case it was merely a case of choosing poor words to make a point and being too naive to think he could get away with that. Someone asked Mayer on twitter if he would turn into another celeb who goes to rehab for saying something racist. Mayer replied, ” There’s no rehab for being an asshole.” I think he pretty much nailed it. Richards did go to seek professional help from this because it was something more psychological rather than saying something dumb.

The whole hood pass thing, there is no hood pass. Which is what he was TRYING to explain. I don’t really think he’ll get one now. That fucker is VOIDED. Chalk another tally to the white celebs who piss off an entire race of people board. Not enough room to chalk that tally? Maybe we should get another chalk board… It’s expensive? I’ll put it on my hood card. Sorry John, it’s been maxed out.. Lesson learned, you can’t afford to say stupid things and think you’re above those phrases and use them to attempt to make a point.

So like all media that’s similar to this story, you’ll hear about it for weeks, people will tire of it, and the human circus continues to revolve until it makes it’s stop at the next celeb cluster fuck. Instead of fanning the flame, go hiking. It’s a hell of a lot more healthy.

-Joe_G

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Celebrity Horseshit: Yearbook Top Ten Edition

alexbwIf you’ve ever used the Internet to any reasonable extent, you’ve probably seen tabloid photos of your favorite (or least favorite) celebs and thought “Wow, they’re really just…normal fucking people.” The beauty of this, of course, is that the more famous they are, the more enjoyable it is to see them fall…it’s just human nature.

One thing we all have in common (hopefully) with celebrities is our terrible Yearbook photos. Nobody likes the way they look in retrospect. Ever. Even if you take a picture of yourself and look back at it, your brain will fire off: “Christ, I looked like shit 20 seconds ago.”

Many many websites feature Yearbook Photos of famous people, but some of them are just…too normal. I don’t get what’s funny about seeing Brad Pitt back when he was in high school, looking exactly like he does now. It’s just not amusing. What is amusing is watching people who looked ridiculous in High School attempting to compensate for that by becoming an in-your-face Media Monster.

And that’s what this is all about.

10. Paris Hilton

I want an Oompa Loompa NOOOWWW!

I want an Oompa Loompa NOOOWWW!

Honestly, anything I could say about Paris Hilton has already been said. She looks like that girl in class that all the other girls are jealous of, but also never want to become. She’d come in to school and go “ew, where did you get that backpack?”

9. Renee Zellweger

Last seen: 1985

Last seen: 1985

We all had our terrible class pictures, bad hairstyles, and “what the fuck was I thinking?” moments. But Renee Zellweger’s yearbook photo looks like a mug shot. It looks like it should read: Suspect Wanted for the Murder of Boyfriend, Parents. Consider armed and dangerous.She’s a very attractive woman…sometimes. I guess if you’ve ever seen her smile, making that face you do when you try to stuff as many Sour Patch Kids in your mouth as possible, you’d realized why she’s not smiling here.

8. Adam Lambert

Wait...Adam Lambert is gay?!

Wait...Adam Lambert is gay?!

It’s almost cheating to call Adam Lambert a celebrity, but I found this photo amusing. I assume it was clipped from the local newspaper and separated from the headline that read: “Local Boy Fits 19 Hot Dogs in Mouth.”

7. Prince

See? Michael Jackson wasnt the only poor young black man who became a rich white woman

See? Michael Jackson wasn't the only poor young black man who became a rich white woman

The question “What the fuck happened to Prince The Artist Formerly Known as Prince The Artist?” gets thrown around a lot these days. The tragedy is that there is no reasonably satisfying answer.

6. Lady Gaga

Lets be fair...she was intolerable in High School, too.

Let's be fair...she was intolerable in High School, too.

The music industry always has a way of combating itself…backing itself into corners and then fucking its way out. It seems like Lady Gaga was its way of combating the brief but seemingly interminable fame of Susan Boyle. In exchange for an ogre with the voice of an angel, they gave us a hipster hottie with the musical appeal of that Crazy Frog*.

*reference too vague? Fine…here. But I warned you.

5. Billy Bob Thornton

Oh, THATS why he turned into such a fucking douche.

Oh, THAT'S why he turned into such a fucking douche.

Was Billy Bob Thornton always an asshole, or did he turn into one once he became a “musician?” I suppose when you spend your childhood being “that kid,” having people on your dick 24/7 makes you trip over your ego. I’m not saying that Billy Bob isn’t a quality actor, but…(I don’t know how to finish that sentence and don’t know why I started it)

4. Marilyn Manson

Image taken 2 minutes prior to his rejection of god.

Image taken 2 minutes prior to his rejection of god.

He hasn’t changed much, has he? Brian Hugh Warner represents the American Dream. You can be an unattractive, awkward son of a bitch and still be a heart throb to overweight girls wearing your XXL T-Shirts from Hot Topic. I can’t honestly rag on Manson too much, because he’s such a nice guy…and it’s really not surprising when rock mega-stars sell-out and become a blurb in Rolling Stone after 10 years.

3. Steven Tyler

The Joker wasnt very popular in High School either...

The Joker wasn't very popular in High School either...

Why so serious, Mr. Tyler? Aerosmith enjoyed an unprecedented period of popularity. Gene Simmons had the tongue. Little Stevey Tyler had the lips. What a time to be alive. I don’t have much to say about Tyler, or Aerosmith, except that if you’re that one lonely guy living in the past who actually bought Guitar Hero: Aerosmith, don’t worry. Society may be able to forgive you.

2. Lil Jon

During segregation, the kids who were half black, half ANT were left out in the cold.
During segregation, the kids who were half black, half ANT were left out in the cold.

You always wonder why certain people have such “in your face” personalities. Hip Hop icons tend to be some of the most “in your face” celebrities for some reason. My reasoning was that the culture, style, and attitude called for that kind of super-aggressive behavior. The gold chains, loose clothes, hot cars, and loose women all lend towards making your character larger than life. But now I know the truth…big personalities come from growing up looking like you shit yourself all the time.

Few people know that YEAH! OKAY! was what his prom date responded to him, sarcastically.

Few people know that "YEAH! OKAY!" was what his prom date responded to him, sarcastically.

1. Ryan Seacrest

I can only imagine a young Brian Dunkelman
I can only imagine a young Brian Dunkelman

In Ryan Seacrest’s defense, he really turned into a good looking guy. This kid, on the other hand, looks like “the fat one” in any kids’ movie you could think of. At least now, Seacrest is the host of a show in which he has the power to tear apart social rejects as mercilessly as I’m sure everyone in his life did to him. This kid was picked last for damn near everything. He would break out in tears in the middle of class and call the teacher “mommy.” His life was a living hell.

Alex G/

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Filed under Fun Stuff, Mistakes, Movies, Music, Television, Top 10 List

The Top 10 Famous Female D-Bags

alexbwThe term ‘douchebag‘ gets thrown around a lot these days. It holds with it a stigma that tends to be uniquely masculine. When characterizing a female as particularly “in your face” or “intellectually offensive,” one might use terms like ‘bitch‘ or the ever popular ‘C-Word.’

It must be noted, however, that these terms (while succinct and often appropriate) are very different from what we commonly associate with the word ‘douchebag.’

The true Douche carries with them the repute for being not only an odious Earthly presence, but also an ostentatious braggart with the propensity for deeming themselves exceptionally worthy of our approbation.

And with that verbose explanation in mind, I turn over the floor to the Top 10 Famous Ladies who unwaveringly demonstrate how they objectively fit this mold.

10. Ellen DeGeneres

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The Kind of Gay That Your Grandparents Don’t Find Disgusting

I’m sure that this one may be met with some dispute, but don’t worry, she barely made the list. But, at the same time, desperately needed to be on it. Ellen‘s quirky, pop culture humor has never necessarily been to my taste, but that has nothing to do with why she’s on the list. I have nothing personally against her.

She made this list solely due to the fact that she possesses a particular mindset that can only be defined as “douchey.” While she presents herself as a down-to-earth, friendly girl-on-girl-girl’s-girl, she has a way of thrusting her personal life in everyone’s face screaming: “CARE!”

The Ellendouchebaggery, however, leapt crazy-eyed, with arms flailing, off of the precipice when this happened.

When she proclaimed her love for vagina in 1997 on The Oprah Winfrey Show, she essentially signed the “Death Sentence” for her sitcom (I use the term loosely). After all, America had already fallen in love with one gay sitcom and weren’t ready for another.

There’s also something to be said about her psychotic fan-base but that’s a story…for another day.

9. iJustine

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Postergirl for Mac Douches Everywhere!

I have to credit FakeJimmyFallonfor this one. Justine Ezarik, the Pennsylvania native tech wiz and iDouche, got her start in a (what Wikipedia is calling an ‘internet meme’) video called iPhone Bill which, as I understand it, started a nation-wide fear of babbling bitches racking up text message fees. You’d think that a 300-page phone bill would turn someone AWAY from Apple.

iJustine is a semi-passionate aspiring actress with her own webshow site–Hey! Like us!–where she displays her idea of comedy while she brazenly suckles the glistening golden balls of Steve Jobs.

While I have nothing against Mac users, I recognize that they tend to be much bigger dickheads about their “better” Operating Systems. Here’s a little douchebaggery from a PC fan: iPods blow and every time I use a Mac, it freezes faster than an obese childplaying dodgeball who stops trying immediately just so he can go sit the fuck down.

The only reason why iJustine wasn’t higher on the list is that her constant cries for attention and offers to assist EVERYONE figure out technology that only she could possibly understand (like Twitter and Digital Cameras), while sounding like pure cuntiness, are probably just honest attempts to be genuinely helpful–in her mind.

8. Rachel Ray

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Fueled by EVOO!

Rachel Ray is like that girl next door who loves to act out, loves hanging out with the guys, and she’s cute–yet plain enough that you feel like you have a chance to score. But at the same time, despite all of this, she’s the one person you’d hate to be alone with for too long. You can’t picture trying to score with her because then you might be forced to have a fucking conversation.

She plays a Chef on TV and writes a plethora of cookbooks and advice on how to eat healthier. Her 30 Minute Meals are actually quite tasty. But can someone who endorses Burger King and Dunkin Donuts really be considered a connoisseur of fine dining? I mean, lets be honest…while her 30 Minute Meals are tasty, they’re essentially Written Down Recipes for Shit You Can Pretty Much Just Make Up.

Rachel Ray is so undeservedly full of herself while somehow pretending to be modest! I could try to rationalize this, but I won’t attempt to deconstruct the female brain. Ray flings cookbooks and shows into the public eye as haphazardly as Chimps tossing shit, while saying things to her critics like: “I have no formal anything“,  “I’m completely unqualified for any job I’ve ever had”, and claiming that she cannot bake, make coffee, or broil.

She’s almost on the same level as Ellen, but making up words takes her further into douche territory. What the fuck is an entreetizer?!

7. Kat Von D

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Above: Half of Kat Von D

Consider the typical pretentious and delusional Art School douche. Got it? Good. Then (at the risk of sounding like Rachel Ray), sprinkle in a dash of being the star of two tattoo shows, dating a high-profile rock star, and mix it all together with losing a ton of weight, having her own make-up line, and being a punk rock tattoo queen…and you’ve got Kat von Drachenberg.

Kat von D-bag is one of those celebrities who pretend that they’re not a bitchy egomaniac like all of the other party-girls because she looks and dresses different. Because she bathes in her own sense of self-entitlement, she stands out amongst the others who may have pushed her out of the Seventh Place Slot.

Though it pains me to say it, Punk Rock Chicks are often just as bad–if not, worse than Preppy Girls. At least Preppy Girls will admit that they’re vicious cunts who are only out for themselves. Punk Rock Chicks tend to hide it behind layers of pseudo-self-righteousness or layers of horrid personality flaws. Kat von D was able to shed none of these things…oh, and she may also be a Nazi.

But one thing that Punk Rock Girls tend to have is a notable level culture and intelligence, which is more than I can say for…

6. Sarah Palin

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Vote “FUCK NO” in 2012

Sarah “Nailin” Palin requires no introduction. Unfortunately, every time we think back to the 2008 Primary Elections, we our minds are savagely raped and we are reminded of the several terrible months in which every American citizen was forced to acknowledge that she existed.

Palin represents the dimwitted self-centric base of the Republican Party and many (intelligent) Conservatives are vastly upset by this. Since the G.O.P. has chosen to adopt bat-shit crazy, Magic Roundaboutpeople like Palin as the voices of their party, we’ve witnessed the degradation of (whether you agree with them or not) a potentially amazing body of government.

Sarah Palin probably won’t run for President in 2012, but we should definitely keep our guards up. My problem with Sarah Palin comes not from her babbling nonsense, nor her Wink-and-Smile Politics (which I believe was Taft’s platform). My problem is her in-your-face “my family is your vision of the American Dream” attitude and fundamentalist parochial beliefs.

Briefly: Any individual who doesn’t believe in Evolution does not possess the qualities to be in Government. If you can not assess available facts, science, and reason and put forth an informed position, you aren’t qualified to lead anyone. I didn’t add Ann Coulter to this list for 2 reasons:

1. She’s probably not legit.

2. She’s too big of a cunt, and if she were on this list, there would be no room for anyone else.

5. Heidi Montag

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Heidi-sans-Spencer

It’s difficult being a Reality TV star. First, you have to deal with the constant public scrutiny. Then, you have to be strong enough to put up with living under constant voyeurism by Camera Crews and the Media. And last, in Heidi’s case, you have to pretend to live in reality instead of completely in your own selfish, xenophobic brain.

Another challenge of being a half-witted Fake Person for TV is that you hit a Dead Endearly. After making upwards of $3 Million in the last two years along, Heidi and her (Douchebag Posterboy) “fiance” must now face the harsh Real Reality that they are talentless and will go down in history being remembered for fuck-all.

The bitter irony lies in the fact that after years of playing a character loosely based on herself, she lacks the personality range to appear on even the broadest television shows. After losing out to (somehow) more talented actresses for roles in Into the Blue 2: The Reef and Melrose Place 2.0, Heidi and her flesh-tone-bearded boyfriend have come to terms with their lack of…well, everything…and decided to only do Reality Shows and TV appearances as themselves.

Heidi’s self-indulgent music career is nothing to speak of; but she does want to record a Christian album. This puzzles me, in that, if there were a god, we would never have known that Heidi Montag existed.

4. Paris Hilton

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That dog has seen things…terrible things.

What list of the top-of-the-line in Feminine Douchebagitude would be complete without the heiress herself? If only she were content being a wealthy, boring slut, she may have stayed off the international RADAR.

Unfortunately, like many in her niche, she feels compelled to prove to the rest of the world that she’s not just the talentless, semi-attractive daughter of Mr. Monopoly.

In attempting to present herself as a musician, artist, actor, and (most bizarrely) a Role Model, she has established that she could never legitimately be any of these things. I didn’t want to mention One Night in Paris, but how can I not?

I think Hilton managed to somehow have the least sexy sex tape of all time. I wound up almost feeling bad for the dude giving this stuck-up bitch his most passionate performance only to have her casually take it with expressionless boredom. Although, to her credit, she probably couldn’t feel the hotdog plummeting through her cavernous hallway.

The real tragedy of Paris Hilton is that she butchered the American Dream, which was once characterized by hard work and inspiration has now become nothing more than the daydream of a sloth.

Hilton is arguably solely responsible for a whole new culture of delusional half-assers with an unfounded sense of entitlement (douchebags).

Although the female character simply wanting to marry into a wealthy family and gradually reap the rewards of a bewildered cuckold husband has been around for–well–forever; now, because of Paris Hilton, they’re all wielding tiny dogs.

3. Kim Kardashian

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According to TMZ, the Chocolate Strawberry went straight to her thighs.

Kardashian’s story is a extraordinarily boring and confusing one. As opposed to Paris Hilton, who happened to be born into a wealthy, hard-working family, Kim’s life has been empty and meaningless from the start. Aside from being an accidental porn star and the bastard daughter of a dead high-priced attorney, Kim’s climb to stardom has been via an invisible ladder.

There is literally no reason this woman should be famous, and yet, she behaves and speaks as if she’s the hardest working, most elite woman in the Media Spotlight.

Her sex appeal has undoubtedly been her claim to fame, but does she even do anything? If you’re a professional model, fine. But Kim has no desire to model or put forth any effort to create the impression that she wants people to think she deserves her 15 minutes.

Although I would never wish her any specific harm, if we continue to treat Kim Kardashian as a viable celebrity, the terrorists win.

2. Tila Tequila

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Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you your Queen

Who the fuck is Tila Tequila? It’s a question asked by those who keep up with bullshit pop culture and those who really have no idea. To answer your question: I have no idea, but she’s cute-as-a-button and used to be a real hardass.

The problem with Tila Tequila (or Thien Thanh Thi Nguyen) is that she literally represents a destructive cultural climate in which our most adored and respected Starlets are some of the most mind-numbing asinine individuals on the planet.

She unfailingly seems to thrust herself into every niche, every corner, and every crevice within a wide spectrum of what people may find sexy.

As the oft proclaimed “Queen of MySpace” and “Queen of the Internet,” Tila exercises her unfounded bragging rights constantly via various social networking sites.

Evidently, it isn’t sufficient for Tila to single-handedly force her presumed sex appeal down the throats of every American, but the little gremlin

has to give us all a constant update on how many people she “knows.”

It’s up to us, the good, hard-working people of this country, to keep Tila out of the media spotlight long enough for the collective conscious to snap back into the realization that because her vag undoubtedly smells like a Singapore Sweatshop, we need to stop caring about what bulldyke she decides to fistfuck on (the finally cancelled) A Shot at Love. (I’m not racist)

1. Rosie O’Donnell

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(insert witty caption here…I’m all out for now)

It seems a shame to even include Rosie on a list of female douchebags, given that she’s essentially a castrated Danny DeVito.

While I have absolutely no problem with homosexuality, the constant loud-mouthed reminders that Rosie is dining out at pink Taco Bell is enough to jostle me into a cold, nightmarish sweat.

Her brief stint on The View cemented her place as an asshole on the elbow of every American. And given the shrill, polarizing voices of every woman on that show, the fact that everyone singled out Rosie speaks volumes for how divisive and offensive to the senses she can be.

I can honestly say that I admire Rosie for her charitable works, and personal struggle with Rights for Homosexuals, but when she presents herself as the drag-queen alter ego of Rush Limbaugh, she loses much of her credibility and invasively crosses, screaming and flailing, into the Land of the Douche.

A side note: Her ’marriage’ to Nickelodeon Executive, Kelli Carpenter, officially cements the fact that has been in the minds of former fans of the channel for far too long: Nickelodeon is so gay.

I should stop writing such long articles. I’m recognizing how intellectually lazy I start to become.

Alex

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An Open Letter to a Celebrity-Obsessed America

AlexMy Dear Celebrity-Obsessed Americans–

Though the whole world (especially the Western One) is crippled by their unhealthy appetite for tabloids and gossip entertainment that belittle and viciously attack the personal lives of those who they all wish that they could be, I can only speak on behalf of like-minded people within my own country (plus, I don’t speak British).

It certainly brings great pain to my forever-tainted (a’giggle) heart to bring such an intellectually vicious attack on the Celebrity-Obsessed, because I understand your way of thinking. It’s easy to get caught up in the gossip of individuals that you feel as though you know personally.

The tragedy lies in the inconvenient truth that your lives just aren’t that interesting most of the all of the time. Feel free to disagree (and when I say that, I mean, if you do disagree, go fuck yourself), but it seems that you’ve taken a healthy veneration of the sufficiently famous to a level of inscrutable and mentally-damaging douchebaggery.

There was a time when the “Celebrity” was the Hollywood Starlet, or the drug-addled alcoholic role model that we could allow into our homes and not have to call him “Dad.”

Now, you’ve taken to labelling the bewildered, developmentally disabled, social butterflies cunts who make up Reality TV casts as “Tinseltown Elite.” This is pure idiocy and you/we (for you) should be ashamed.

I admit my own shame for actually subjecting myself to shows like American Idol and Hell’s Kitchen (essentially FOX‘s whole “reality” line-up) even if they are, on occasion, entertaining. As Americans, we love to watch the weak-willed crumble to the point of emotional suicide while being interminably derided by British hard-asses while they grasp at the pant-legs of the Entertainment Industry for their 5 minutes of so-called “fame.”

The most frightening notion here is that while you can force your otherwise (probably) rational minds to accept these personality-deficient goblins as legitimate celebs, you take pride in the shock-and-awe style attack on those who have devoted their entire lives to entertaining you

While I am not going to defend the morally questionable actions of outstanding thespians such as Christian Bale, Russel Crowe, Jude Law, Robert Downey Jr., Lindsay Lohan (okay, maybe calling Lohan an outstanding thespian is like swallowing a pill the size of Michael Moore’s first dump of the day), etc…etc…etc…I will point out to you, the near-sighted and judgmental pseudo-critic, that these people create art for you.

Their purpose in life (aside from making obscene amounts of money) is to put on a costume and dance so that you can experience the emotions that you’ve forgotten exist as well as tear you away from your insignificant and thoughtless daily routine…or at least allow you to escape into your imagination for two hours.

Imagine, if you will, Harvey Levin staking out the home of J.D. Sallinger, or a team of photographers catching John Updike offguard, subsequently causing him to die of a heart attack before the cancer even had a chance.

You watch TMZ and Access Hollywood curled tightly around a throw pillows, clutching a glasses of wine like the blood of the Christmas Jew and spend your TV Dinner evenings mocking people just like you (except hard-working and successful) who happen to have a camera shoved in their faces while they sloppily stumble out of a bar in the Valley.

Shame–the fuck–on you!

Does it take some self-obsessed ladyboy, drowning in his own unearned arrogance, screaming “LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!” teary-eyed into a web cam for you to realize that something is wrong?

Or maybe a terrible (but hilarious) gag-site that encourages web-users to place bets on when the pop diva will put on her tallest pair of stilettos and leap to her death onto something would suffice

Is there any depth to which you will not sink? You could be the most kind-hearted individual on the planet, but when you take part in this Circus Maximus, you are the vile bully that you knew in your heart that you would never become.

And while I am in no way suggesting that those who throw themselves into the public eye, begging for your attention, are immune to scrutiny, I am begging for the sake of our civilization that you cease fire.

Stop watching TMZ.

Stop giving paparazzi something to do with their empty lives.

Stop getting news information unfounded gossip that you proceed to mistake for information from Perez Hilton and E!.

And please Stop treating President Barack Obama like he’s a Paris Hilton. He’s not a film star. He’s not Hollywood’s Darling. He’s the Leader of the Free World and the Commander in Chief of our Military. You desperately need to start treating him with the consideration of his position and not that of Brad fucking Pitt.

You are contributing (no matter how minimally) to the very form of destructive social behavior that will destroy us all (and makes us appear silly in the eyes of the rest of the world)…and it is something of which we are all guilty.

 

Never Have I Been More Sincere,

-Alex

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Does Anybody Care About Movies?

AlexA while back, I started a weekly article series called “Trailers of the Week.” Not a very captivating title, but it did the job. Needless to say, I’ve been slacking. All my effort has gone into the Super Dudes Power Squad web-show (first motherfucking episode done, btw) and I’ve missed out on (what Johnny On The Spot Employees would call) “a Tidal Wave of Shit.”

This accurately describes the list of far-too-many movies that are coming out. Most of them (hopefully) will slip by unnoticed. It seems that movie theaters today have more strict standards than movie Producers. If the movie isn’t going to sell, they don’t show it. I can’t fully blame the studios though…I have to blame the dickwads who actually choose to see this garbage.

But, without further rambling, here’s what’s coming out in a Theater Near You…I’ve watched the trailers so you don’t have to see the movies!

There are a few diamonds mixed in there…such as…Watchmen and…maybe a FUNNY re-telling of Paul Blart: Mall Cop.

RACE TO WITCH MOUNTAIN–Going to be one of those kids’ movies that children watch over and over with their dullard parents who are just waiting to see the Rock put one of them through a table.

G.I. JOE: RISE OF COBRA–Felt the same nostalgia about the Transformers movie, I guess…and was let down even though I refused to see it in theaters. I’ll wait until they make the Stretch Armstrong movie.

FAST & FURIOUS–Is this a re-make of a movie that came out less than 10 fucking years ago…or just the same movie with an ampersand in the title?

17 AGAIN–If Zach Efron looks like a young Matthew Perry, then I look like a blossoming Helen Mirren.

NIGHT AT THE MUSEUM: BATTLE OF THE SMITHSONIAN–As if Ben Stiller and Ricky Gervais weren’t given enough opportunities to publicly shout: “Hey, I know other celebrities!”

EDEN LOG–The story of the first shit Adam ever took in Eve’s mouth, told in a series of blacks and greens.

CRANK 2–Takes place right after Crank (the first) and just in case you forgot what happened in the first one (or were smart enough to skip it), it’s the exact same fucking movie.

MY LIFE IN RUINS–Remember My Big Fat Greek Wedding? No? Let’s keep it that way.

MISS MARCH–This movie comes out in a few days, but fuck it…watching the preview makes me want to go into hibernation and take the title’s advice.

SUGAR–Just in time for people to stop giving a shit about baseball.

PLANET 51–My only thought is that the film makers are trying to catch the run-off crowd of children too afraid to see Monsters vs Aliens and who need another movie where The Rock plays a pussy.

THE SOLOIST–Jamie Foxx and Robert Downy Jr. in: Please Give Me an Oscar. My Eyes are Closed on the Poster for Christ’s Sake!

SUPER CAPERS–For those who thought Sky High was over their heads.

ELEVEN MINUTES–If it were a comedy, it’d be genius. But it’s a documentary that ends up being “A Day in the Life of a Dramatic Homosexual Who Thinks His Life is Hell on Earth” despite the fact that he’s doing exactly what he wants.

EVERLASTING MOMENTS–I was going to watch this trailer, and then I was distracted by Britney Spears wet and naked on EXTRA.

LAND OF THE LOST–Could potentially be funny if you could somehow find yourself as highas Sid and Marty Krofft…but that’s impossible.

PARIS 36–Dear France, we Americans “don’t get” you. Please stop sending us shit like this.

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN–I’d see the movie if it were called TRANSFORMER: MICHAEL BAY THROWS HIMSELF INTO ONE.

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123–Tony Scott is the master of looking deeper into things that nobody gives a shit about.

ENLIGHTEN UP!–A guy does stretches in America and India while I sit on my ass and laugh at him while I stuff my face with food until I have no energy left to leave the house.

DRAGONBALL: EVOLUTION–If you’re old enough to be a fan of the show, you should be old enough to know not to spend your money on this piece of shit.

GHOSTS OF GIRLFRIENDS PAST–I decided that I couldn’t bring myself to watch this trailer and not want to jump into a meat-grinder…so, I decided that you can check it out for yourself…because I don’t mind if you’re rendered infertile by this bullshit.

LOVE THE BEAST–A 2-hour camera-phone video of Eric Bana fucking the tailpipe of his first car would be significantly more entertaining. Also, if you need to list the celebrities that appear in a documentary about YOU, you’re not famous enough to have a documentary about you.

BABYSITTER WANTED–“Get ready for one of the best films you’ve seen all year.”–Someone who is either Developmentally Disabled or Tragically Right.

THE EDUCATION OF CHARLIE BANKS–Fred Durst proves that he can direct a made-for-tv special. It’s like he mimics what none of us want to see. If he really was trying to do that, he would bring his “sex tape” to the big screen. Weird how respectable he looks doing so though**…

ANGELS & DEMONS–The DaVinci Code without funny hair and Albinos. So, in short: no reason to see it.

alexG

*That’s drugs, not the toy.

**Not a link to his sex video.

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