Tag Archives: blog

March 5, 2013 · 2:06 am

Watson’s Review of “A Good Day to Die Hard”

“A Good Day to Die Hard” is the worst of the “Die Hard” movies, not because of its restrictive 12A rating, nor its over-reliance on computer-generated effects, but because it is the first instalment in the 25-year franchise to treat its audience with open contempt — here is the “Die Hard” for the “Transformers” crowd, all flashing lights and no brain activity. That’s not to say that none of its four predecessors are guilty of similar crimes — “Die Hard 4.0” certainly could have done with a bit more brain power — but there’s something especially insulting about this fifth entry’s lackadaisical, almost perfunctory attitude towards anything not directly involving an explosion or a helicopter, or indeed a helicopter that’s exploding.

That’s an image that’s stuck with the franchise ever since its first appearance in John McTiernan’s classic 1988 original, as Agents Johnson and Johnson’s FBI chopper was swallowed up by a rooftop fireball. It reappeared several times throughout Renny Harlin’s airport-bound 1990 sequel “Die Harder,” albeit with winged aircrafts, did so again at the end of McTiernan’s 1995 threequel ”Die Hard with a Vengeance,” and then popped up again in Len Wiseman’s 2007 fourquel “Die Hard 4.0,” as Bruce Willis’ maverick cop John McClane took out an attacking helicopter with an airborne police car. “I was out of bullets,” was his smirking quip. (Continue Reading…)

HotDog4

For more from Stephen Watson, visit Just Another Movie Blog!

2 Comments

Filed under Movies, Review

Tagged as , , , , , ,

July 15, 2012 · 5:56 pm

Watson Reviews “The Amazing Spider-Man”

“The Amazing Spider-Man” is a reboot of a blockbusting franchise that got off to a good start with “Spider-Man” in 2002, web-slung to towering new heights with “Spider-Man 2” in 2004, and lost its footing with “Spider-Man 3” in 2007. While each of those films were helmed by horror maestro Sam Raimi, this redo is directed by indie newbie Marc Webb, who may or may not have been hired for his eerily appropriate surname. Webb was a good choice: he displays a deft hand at directing drama, romance and action in “The Amazing Spider-Man,” and balances them with profound ease and impressive skill. Once again, a “Spider-Man” franchise gets off to a good start. I look forward to its inevitable sequel and look warily upon its probable threequel.

The Peter Parker, and indeed Spider-Man, of Raimi’s trilogy was played by Tobey Maguire, who was 27 years of age when he first played the super-powered high-schooler. In Webb’s film, Peter is played by Andrew Garfield, who is now 28 years old. In spite of the one-year advantage Maguire had over Garfield in playing a teen, I found Garfield more convincing in the role: the L.A.-born English actor, utterly enchanting as Eduardo Saverin in David Fincher’s “The Social Network,” has one of those faces that looks perpetually young or, more specifically, adolescent. Teenage girls could take him home to show daddy, and daddy wouldn’t bat an eyelid. (Continue Reading…)
(Eight Outta Ten)

Leave a Comment

Filed under Movies, Review, Special Guest Blogger

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Image

Add us on Facebook and Twitter! And visit our main page at SuperDPS.com

Leave a Comment

February 29, 2012 · 11:20 pm
September 25, 2011 · 12:58 pm

Watson’s Reviews of Warrior and Killer Elite

“Warrior” is the surprise tear-jerker of the year. Why such a surprise? For one, it’s called “Warrior,” which gives the immediate impression of heroic, muscle-bound manliness. Secondly, its story centres around mixed martial arts, a sport in which beefy men willingly take part in beating one another to a misshapen pulp, which of course brings us back to the manliness factor. One gets the distinct notion that it’s a testosterone-fuelled man-movie, so imagine my shock when I found myself battling away tears in the film‘s second half; this, I must admit, was a battle I lost.

The film, which is co-written and directed by Gavin O’Connor (“Pride and Glory”), is a mishmash of sports action and family melodrama. As such, one is reminded of David O. Russell’s “The Fighter,” which tread similar ground last year, and did it quite well. However, “Warrior” manages to better “The Fighter” in both areas; the sports action and the family melodrama are handled much more effectively, working together to successfully reduce you to a blubbering blob weeping on the floor.

We are presented with two protagonists and a prominent supporting character. Our two protagonists are brothers; one is Brendan Conlon (Joel Edgerton, “Legend of the Guardians”) and the other is Tommy Conlon (Tom Hardy, “Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy”). The prominent supporting character is their father, Paddy (Nick Nolte, “Tropic Thunder”).

They are what you might call a broken family. Paddy is a recovering alcoholic (his 1,000th day of sobriety is coming up) who hasn’t spoken to his two sons in years. Brendan and Tommy have also not spoken in years; they barely exist to each other, though what they do share is a bitterness towards their father, as well as skills in the world of mixed martial arts… (Continue Reading)

**********

The best thing I can say about “Killer Elite” is that it held my interest; this, as you may assume, is something I crave from each and every movie I watch. While viewing “Killer Elite,” I acknowledged that it had the general appearance of a generic, seen-it-all-before action flick and I must admit I ended up a little lost in the story at some points (crammed-in plot twists tend to have that effect). However, a feeling of boredom never registered; then again, I suppose boredom would be difficult to encounter, what with all the ear-shattering gunshots, deafening explosions and overall noisiness thundering out from the loudspeakers.

Yes, “Killer Elite” is another one of those noisy, aggressive, high-octane actioners, and it stars a master of said area of cinema. This is Jason Statham (“The Mechanic”), who’s brought all his natural Cockney geezer charm to the film’s leading role. He’s cool, he’s charismatic, he’s got proper action skills and he’s got a rather attractive stubble going on; what’s not to like about this lovely, lovely man?

He stars as Danny Bryce, a professional assassin and best bud of a fellow assassin aptly named Hunter (Robert De Niro, “Little Fockers”). Danny, deciding to be a cliché, has had enough of killing, and chooses to give up the job to live with his beautiful Australian girlfriend (Yvonne Strahovski, “Chuck”). One year later, Danny gets a envelope in the mail containing a Polaroid picture of Hunter appearing to be a little bit kidnapped.

Danny goes to visit the kidnapper, who it turns out is a dying Omani sheik (Rodney Afif, “Checkpoint”). The sheik wants Danny to kill the three SAS men who murdered three of his four sons. He wants to hear their confessions. He wants the killings to look like accidents. And he wants to know that they are dead before his own predicted death six months from now, otherwise Hunter shall be killed… (Continue Reading)

–Watson

(for more film reviews visit JustAnotherMovieBlog)

Leave a Comment

Filed under Movies, Review, Special Guest Blogger

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , ,

August 11, 2011 · 1:38 pm

Watson Reviews The Smurfs

It was only yesterday that I watched and reviewed Studio Ghibli’s beautiful “Arrietty,” an animated fantasy family film revolving around pint-sized heroes as they come into contact with human beings. And now here’s my review of another animated fantasy family film revolving around pint-sized heroes as they come into contact with human beings, only this one contains many scenes that take place in a live-action setting. Also, unlike “Arrietty,” this one is absolutely, positively, Smurf-tastically dreadful.

“The Smurfs” is directed by Raja Gosnell, the man who previously subjected us to “Scooby-Doo,” “Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed” and “Beverly Hills Chihuahua.” Judging by his latest choice of film to direct, this filmmaker appears to have no plans to further his movie-making career in any way, shape or form, instead lazily compiling yet another live-action/animation hybrid that mixes CGI-assisted chatterbox animals with real-life people; the result, predictably, is rather horrendous.

Much like he did with Hanna-Barbera’s “Scooby-Doo,” Gosnell is here taking a beloved kids’ cartoon series and has callously twisted it into an integrity-free, dumb-as-a-stump blockbuster bereft of a heart, soul or any sign of brain activity. This time, playing the victim is Hanna-Barbera’s ’80s cartoon “The Smurfs,” the series itself based on the Belgian comic book series of the same name.

We are shown that the Smurfs are a tiny, cute, blue-skinned species who live in a peaceful village in a bright and colourful magical land. They all wear white Phrygian caps, love to sing happy songs, are lead by Papa Smurf (voiced by Jonathan Winters), and there is a grand total of one female living amongst them: the golden-locked Smurfette (singer Katy Perry), who must live in constant fear of mating season. (Continue Reading)

–Watson

(justanothermovieblog.com)

 

Leave a Comment

Filed under Movies, Review, Special Guest Blogger

Tagged as , , , , , , , , ,

December 1, 2009 · 2:22 pm

It’s high time….

So, fair readers, it’s been a while since you’ve heard from ole Davey. Let’s fill you in on what you’ve missed in the last few weeks or so….

Still unemployed, however, I’m now doing some part time stuff for our very good friends at Derisory Designs, based out of Good Ole Port Richmond.  Cool-ass t-shirts and such, awesome people, and great quality. If you ever need shirts or anything else printed, give em a ring. Tell em Dave sent ya.

Oh, how could I put this second? Super Dudette Michelle and I finally got married after dating for like four years. Actually, our four year anniversary was 2 weeks before the wedding, and we both totally forgot about it. That’s gotta be a good sign, right? The wedding turned out to be a pretty rad event, I think everyone had a good time (us Super Dudes and Dudettes had a blast!), great food, free booze, and a bedroom full of presents. Much thanks to the well-wishers out there.

But you, readers, don’t care as much about my personal life. You should, but you don’t. That would be INSANE.

I come to you, dear readers, today, to talk about something very important to me.  Pennsylvania House Bill 1393 (HB 1393, for short), the Compassionate Use Medical Marijuana Act.

May I start out raising a loud, passionate WTF before I get into my true tirade. Pennsylvania, the state that said the gay’s are not just icky, but constitutionally icky, is actually considering legalizing marijuana for medical uses. Yes, PA. The Great Southern Oasis in the North. Pennsyltucky. Pennsylbama. The great Keystone of Conservatism is actually considering something not only logical, but downright progressive. I am proud, this week, to be a Pennsylvanian.

But Dave! Think of the children! Won’t somebody PLEASE think of the CHILDREN!?!  Well, sir, or ma’am, I am, quite earnestly. I want children have their parents.

The CDC reports that from 1999 to 2004, unintentional poisoning death from prescription drugs sleeping pills, antidepressants and tranquilizers grew 84 percent  to 20,950 deaths, overtaking cocaine and heroin combined as the leading cause of lethal overdose.Read more:http://www.injuryboard.com/national-news/prescription-drug-deaths-soar.aspx?googleid=29488#ixzz0YSpXHXPN

(courtesy injuryboard.com)
The first argument many make for the legalization of medical marijuana is that there are no deaths associated with smoking it. Well, we know that’s not REALLY true, people smoke and drive, or smoke and do other stupid shit ALL the time. Inexcusable. How many people do you interact with on a day to day basis, including bus drivers, other cars on the road, doctors, bosses, etc., and how many of them do you think are taking an opiate painkiller? I would bet good money that it’s a WHOLE lot more than you think. It’s illegal and stupid. Smoking and driving should be too, just like taking Oxycontin and driving technically is. Ok, so now we’re starting to think of the children.  Let’s throw it out there that I believe driving under ANY (chemical) influence  should be illegal and punished the way drunk driving is. If it’s clouding your judgement, you shouldn’t drive. There, happy? But what about that fact up there…Ambian, Lunesta, Roserem, Lexapro, Valium, Oxycontin and all of their friends are now more deadly than fucking COCAINE AND HEROIN. Let that mull around in your head for a few minutes. Legal, “safe,” prescribed drugs are more deadly than the big H. Wow. Just fucking WOW.

Deadly

Now believe me, as much as I think marijuana should be totally legalized and taxed, that’s a different topic for a different day. And I certainly don’t think heroin should be freely sold in stores or anything (bad libertarian!). (While we’re at it, I’m listening to my iTunes on shuffle, and I don’t care what anyone says about the Smiths. Morrissey is a pussy.). Today we’re just focusing on the MEDICAL aspect of it. Let’s look back a few years. Up until 1941, marijuana was still in the US Pharmacopoeia, which Wiki describes as “an official public standards–setting authority for all prescription and over–the–counter medicines and other health care products manufactured or sold in the United States.” So until 1941, the US officially recognized marijuana’s legitimate use as a pharmaceutical. Wow.

New York, The Nanny State

There are many reasons, and speculative reasons, why marijuana was made illegal in the US. Nanny State-ism, control of the youth, desire to kill the economy of South American immigrants…even an honest desire to keep kids out of trouble. But we should have learned a simple fact from Alcohol Prohibition….making something RELATIVELY harmless illegal, after it has been legal for so long, and while it’s still readily available, not only doesn’t work, but is dangerous to users and bystanders alike. Sure gangs will still sell heroin and crack, but how much of their profit will be taken out when we legalize marijuana?  Okay, getting to be off topic again, we’re talking medical today, not total usage….

So we know prescriptions CAN be very dangerous. I’ve taken some of these “FDA APPROVED” “SAFE AND SOUND” medicines. Pain killers for various injuries and surgeries, and countless sleep medicines for various sleep disorders. Pain killers suck. They really do. They shred your stomach like glass, and they make you crap funny (if you’re lucky and CAN crap) for days. They disorient you, and leave you wanting more of them. You can died if you drink a beer and take them. Sounds really fucking safe, huh. Sleeping pills might actually be more dangerous, in my opinion. They actually leave you WANTING to go to bed so you can take your next one. They can make you SERIOUSLY depressed (ask Super Dudette Michelle about this, she told the doc that I would die if I kept taking Ambian, because SHE would kill me…).  They are bad news bears.  Perhaps the even greater danger with them is that people THINK they’re safe. Just an Ambian. Just a Lunesta. But no (and if you have sleeping problems, PLEASE see a Sleep PSYCHOLOGIST instead of asking for pills from your doctor. They really help you, far more than any pill EVER can).  Also, Ambian, for example, has a tendency to make you…well…retarded before you fall asleep, leading you to do stupid shit and FORGET THAT YOU ALREADY TOOK ONE. A double Ambian hangover is no fun, hear you me. Not to mention all of the people who DRIVE, GAMBLE, and WANDER OFF after taking the shit. In my personal experience, Ambian and most, if not all, of its little sleeping pill friends should be ILLEGAL.

Sleeping pills can make you a zombie.

Okay, so we think that marijuana is probably more safe than narcotics and sleeping pills. Isn’t that enough of a reason? If your DOCTOR says something is better than something else (last I checked, MOST government employees, let alone congress aren’t medical professionals, let alone doctors), shouldn’t you be able to access SAFELY and WITHOUT fear of the government? (and fear of terrifying side effects like sleepwalking to the casino…).

Wait, what?

So we KNOW that marijuana helps people with glaucoma. It’s a FACT. It lowers pressure in the eye, and helps people from going FUCKING BLIND. I’d say that ALONE is worth it, but WAIT, THAT’S NOT ALL! Marijuana is also the perfect thing to help people with HIV/AIDS and cancer regain their appetites so they don’t die of starvation or get vitamin deficiencies. You don’t want cancer patients to die of something else before cancer gets them, and we certainly want AIDS sufferers to last as long as they can in hopes we might actually be able to cure the damned thing.

Hey, Dave, I don’t have cancer or AIDS, why should I give a fuck? Well, friend, have you ever had chronic sleeping problems? I have. Have you ever been depressed, in physical pain or had surgery?  Okay then, you should care.

The conspiracy theorist in me has a damned good reason why the Feds have this drug illegal. Is it true? Who knows, but based on some other stupid policies Uncle Sam has (Agricultural Lobby, anyone?), it wouldn’t be hard to imagine that Big Pharma doesn’t want a drug that you can grow in you closet or backyard legal when Lunesta sells for four bucks A FUCKING PILL.
There are so many reasons why this NEEDS to happen for us Pennsylvanians. Just google “Medicinal Marijuana” and you’ll be amazed. I’m not some pothead going out there trying to legitimize use. I simply think this is something we have to do for our elderly and suffering that has been stigmatized for FAR too long.

So, dear friends, I have a simple thing to ask you….no BEG of you….
PLEASE visit THIS SITE, fill in your information to contact your PA State Representative and urge them to support this very important and progressive piece of legislation. I’ve done it, and encouraged everyone I know to do it. Post it to your facebook, twitter, crackberry, whatever you have. Let em know we want it, and want need it now.

-philamaneto
(return to MAIN PAGE)


Leave a Comment

Filed under Charity, Events, Fun Stuff, Hot News, News, Rant, Top Story

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

November 20, 2009 · 7:19 pm

Dragon Age: Origins–Part 3

The eloquence of organized battle has bested me once again as I stagger, dumbfounded through this elaborate and addictive game. Every fight that I find myself in is a last-ditch effort to come out on top–and while this works for me, I know that there must be an easier way. I’ve watched videos on YouTube, showing how PC users organize careful attacks on enemies; examining their opponents’ weaknesses and taking advantage.

There are no videos exhibiting my tactics, which include rampaging down the center of the battlefield, slaughtering as many monsters, soldiers, or demons as I can before I fucking die.

Once I die, I’ll switch to the next viable character. As I’ve said, I’m playing as a female Warrior (Grey Warden) named Allison. She’s pretty kick-ass, and–dare I say–quite bi-curious. Although I feel that there are an almost unlimited amount of hours remaining, it seems that I’m getting on track with the story…

…maybe I’m just delusional. My last major battle effort was against some giant dragon or some shit–who only appeared when I banged a gong–so, to avoid that, I just avoided the gong. Simple.

Now I’m in another castle (imagine that!) fighting through some evil spirits with some old cunty witch who forced her way onto my already pretty cunty team of hardcore bitches, knights, elves, and a man of stone. Let’s see how long that friendship lasts.

–Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

Leave a Comment

Filed under Fun Stuff, Games, Purchases, Review

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

November 15, 2009 · 4:36 pm

Dragon Age: Origins–Part 2

alexbwAfter reading many reviews and playing this game so damn much–to the point that my eyelids reach unpleasant heaviness–it has become almost an essential part of my life. My version of the game came complete with two DLC codes…

One was for a free set of armor, which I can’t actually use until I reach some impossible level. The second was for the $15 Add-On, The Stone Prisoner. But I got it for free, so yous guys can suck my medieval balls.

Now, I’ve read many criticisms of the Dragon Age approach to DLC. If you haven’t heard this, I’ll enlighten you. When the game was released, two expansions were released with it. One priced at $15, and the other, around $7. I purchased the $7 release, but I was fortunate enough to have the $15 DLC included for free.

Some who bought the game were not so lucky. Not only are you essentially forced to buy these expansions in order to enjoy an “more complete” experience playing the game, but there are characters built into the game who you–when you approach–entice you to buy extra shit!

getattachment3wwwrnb1xt

Rihanna's ass is NOT part of Dragon Age...but it certainly should be.

These are virtual salespersons for real life wares…and it’s somewhat frightening. “The shit on the other side of this bridge is fucking awesome…it’s a shame you won’t get to see it unless you fork over $20. It’s a fucking pity, really.”

Something about this approach seems a bit dishonest; however, for those who buy the game without expansions and are too cheap to purchase them, you’ll still get a ridiculously full game with almost unlimited hours of play.

So here’s the update…I’m talking so much about the DLC because that’s what I’m involved with right now. I just completed Warden’s Keep and I’m fighting my way through The Stone Prisoner.

Unfortunately, I am not a seasoned battle RPG player. I’ve never played World of Warcraft and I fucking blow when it comes to organizing attacks. This rarely seems to be too much of a problem–as I unwittingly play a fantasy RPG as a run-and-flail-at-enemies action game…but at the moment, I am certainly seeing the error of my ways as I am repeatedly handed my own dick on a silver platter.

For now, courage.

–Alex G/

(return to MAIN PAGE)

1 Comment

Filed under Fun Stuff, Games, Purchases, Review

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

August 7, 2009 · 1:47 pm

Sometimes Suicide IS the Solution (George Sodini and his Blog)

joegIf you turned on the news recently, you have probably seen the story about the L.A. Fitness that some psycho shot up, killing 3 innocent women in Pittsburgh, PA. That psycho was a 48 year old man name George Sodini. Why did he do such a horrible and terrible thing? I’ll let him say it in his own words; the words he whined on his own blog:

“I guess some of us were simply meant to walk a lonely path. I have slept alone for over 20 years. Last time I slept all night with a girlfriend it was 1982. Proof I am a total malfunction. Girls and women don’t even give me a second look ANYWHERE. “

…and that’s it. That’s why he walked into a gym, turned the lights out, pulled guns out of his duffel bag, and shot 36 rounds in the place, killing 3 women. Because he hasn’t gotten laid in awhile. That’s it. That’s the grand motive behind taking innocent lives. If this were the case, then World War fucking 3 would be everyday. Join the club asshole! This is not coming from an emotionally distressed teenager who guns down his class mates or the kid who always got picked on, the guy who’s girlfriend broke up with him and that was the last straw (not that I condone these reasons, or any reason for murder), this is coming from a 48 year old man.

Looks like a perfectly normal psychopath.

Looks like a perfectly normal psychopath.

I’ve read his blog about his plans, what he was doing, and how lonely he was; how women never looked at him, his dad who never talked to him, his brother who bullied him…All of it sounded like he was trying to justify this like there was some important message he was trying to tell everyone other than that he was a loser and a coward and a guy who hated his life and did nothing to improve the quality of it. He had a job as an IT guy for a law office , he was lucky enough to survive layoffs going on in his job and that he liked his new boss. These of course were all distractions from his “exit plan.”

His blog can only be accessed by typing in his DOD (creepy). It’s almost laughable to read. Most people would find it disturbing, but I find it pathetic. He can’t spell worth a shit. In the blog he repeats himself saying how he hasn’t had a woman since 1984. Over and over again. The blog is titled Live or Die. I don’t think he really gave anyone a choice on that matter.

Dont be fooled by that charming smile.

Dont be fooled by that charming smile.

Maybe he wanted it to look like a cry for help? Who knows? Apparently he just worked out at this gym and didn’t talk to anyone. His neighbors tried to be civil with him and talk to him but he just ignored them, yet he complains about how he’s all alone. Bottom line is the guy never made an effort and instead took other people’s lives instead of helping himself. Maybe I can’t get my head wrapped around the fact that a guy who’s only a couple of years younger than my dad would carry out something like this for such a childish reason. Why go after people at a fitness club? Makes no sense…

This is not something he planned recently either. If you read the blog he planned this shoot out since NOVEMBER! To quote him again :

“January 6, 2009:
I can do this. Leaving work today, I felt like a zombie – just going thru the motions. Get on the bus, get the car, drive home…..My mind is screwed up anymore, I can’t concentrate at work or think at all.
This log is not detailed. It is only for confidence to do this. The future holds even less than what I have today.
It is 6:40pm, about hour and a half to go. God have mercy. I wish life could be better for all and the crazy world can somehow run smoother. I wish I had answers. Bye.

It is 8:45PM: I chickened out! Shit! I brought the loaded guns, everything. Hell!”

Doesn’t chickened out mean you’ve had some sort feeling of guilt?! Wouldn’t that tell you something? Maybe you’re about to do something horrible and should seek help? You haven’t had sex in awhile?! GET A HOOKER!!! Sure it’s not the most legal way of doing things, but fuck man, it’s better than senseless mass murder!

Heres a bunch, and I wasnt even fucking TRYING!

Here's a bunch, and I wasn't even fucking TRYING!

He even had a date:
May 18, 2009:
“I actually had a date today. It was with a woman I met on the bus in March. We got together at Two PPG Place for lunch. The last date for me was May 1, 2008. Women just don’t like me. There are 30 million desirable women in the US (my estimate) and I cannot find one. Not one of them finds me attractive. I am looking at The List I made from my May 4th idea. I forgot about that for several days. That tells me where I stand. These problems have gotten worse over a 30 year period. I need to expect nothing from me or other people.”

Way to give up! You complain and complain about how women don’t want to date you , you finally have a date and then what do you do? You gave up because it interfered with your revenge scheme on how you haven’t had a date in a long time. That’s a bit hypocritical don’t you think?

I also love what he puts on the bottom:

“**Copy this to usenet/newsgroups where my voice will speak forever!**”

Your voice won’t speak forever, dick head. You’re no martyr. You had no grand message. You’re not a revolutionary ( maybe in stupidity), Nor are you remotely any form of inspiration. People will forget you. Ultimately you will go down as the senseless murderer who did nothing in your life but complain about how life never threw you a bone (no pun intended), yet you never waited for one in the first place.

That’s what I don’t get about these mass shooting perpetrators. You hate your life, you’re constantly depressed about feeling inadequate. So what do you do? Kill the people who never caused the problem for you, let alone knew you had a problem to begin with. Does life suck? Sure it does! Guess what! You’re not the only one life takes a crap on! A lot of people go through hard times. The rewarding part is overcoming those hard times and having a laugh about it later. Otherwise what’s the point?

Nothing is permanent and there’s always a way around what’s bothering you. If you don’t believe me Mr. “Guns in a duffel bag,” KILL YOURSELF! Do mankind a favor. Thank you.

–Joe_G

(return to MAIN PAGE)

11 Comments

Filed under Charity, Events, Irrationality, Mistakes, News, Television

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

July 1, 2009 · 2:12 pm

A Day in the Life of Porn Star Julia Bond

JuliaBond2Heyyyyyyy….. I am Julia Bond, adult film star.  I am a little crazy, a little wild, and always unpredictable.  That’s just me.  Me describing an average day in my life may seem unreal, but this is my life and I love it.  My life is one big risk.  Whether I am singing karaoke in Baskin Robbins, jumping a 12 foot high fence at midnight, or trying to buy weed seed’s at Home Depot.  This is a just a boring ole day in my life, running errands.

Soon as I wake up I look at myself in the mirror.  You know, with all this global warming taking place who knows the next thing it’s gonna affect?  I have Dr. 90210′s number on speed dial just in case.

Once I am ready to take on my day, I am out the house.  I have such a short attention span; I am always looking for trouble to get into.  I live for exciting moments.

Once I have a thought, I go for it.  I never have second thoughts.  That is how all of my tattoos happened.  Crazy days for a crazy lady.

I must warn you that what I am about to say may be disturbing, cause hair loss and age spots. That was my little disclaimer so: No Suing Me Allowed!

Ahhh, a day in my life….. ALWAYS starts off with my morning video for my YouTube channel: www.youtube.com/iamjuliabond.  I have the best YouTube fans in the world.

After my video is all done, I head for the door.  My crazy brain is always thinking of ideas for my YouTube channel.  Since I am not a housewife by any means, I rarely cook….okay NEVER cook.  Restaurants around town love me.  After today I think I am banned from Denny’s and Baskin Robbins.

I am really going to have to put on my list of things to do, “Get friends who will feed me”.

As soon as I walked into Denny’s can you believe someone asked me if I was Carrot Top(?!)!!  Silly Willy’s.  I have to admit I was a little disappointed with this Denny’s.  Old fries and a waitress that has never been seen since.

She took our order then served our food and disappeared like in a Criss Angel magic show.  Now everyone might not know that Julia Bond needs her ice cream shake after she eats so I head to Baskin Robbins.  I’m not sure what Baskin Robbins does for you, but some times they play the best elevator music in them.  I couldn’t help myself and just had to dance.

I tried to open the freezer doors where they keep the ice cream cakes, but they were locked!  I wanted to reenact the hard nipple scene from the movie King Pin.  Nipples with a little frostbite is always sexy.

I started worrying what kind of neighborhood I was in where even ice cream cakes were not safe.  I had to high tail it out of there.  I could have been sold on the black market, or even worse: the swap meet.

There is no time to waste.  Today is flying by here.  I have so many errands I have to run I don’t know where to start.  My next destination is the Disneyland for coupon cashers: WALMART.  There is so much you can do there.  Is it an auto body shop, grocery store, and nail salon?!?!?!  It’s everything!  As soon as I walked in I had a few stalkers.  I felt their eyes all over me.

Here I am just trying to get my check list done and I was being followed.  When I turned around all their eyes went in different directions, pretending to be interested in the items closest to them.  Could they all be into scented candles?  I think not.  Finally I asked them if they knew me. All of a sudden they are all Helen Keller.

Write me a note! Something!  I would have tried to speak to them more, but I had just spotted my next victim…oh, I mean “errand”—a man named Wilbur with the brightest shirt in all of the West Coast.  He was on his cell phone. I think he was on PartyLine or Psychic Network.  With the cameras on, I kindly demanded him to get off.

I needed him to be the 1st guest on Julia Bond Takes It To The Streets.

Being a nice girl, I asked if I could interview him for my show.  I asked him if he could spell “sex.”  He then proceeded to spell SEX, “S.E.X.O.”  It was at this point where the interview went from good to great.  My YouTube channel just went bilingual!  After a few questions about him masturbating, things went from entertaining to serious.

Mr. Wilbur (if that was his real name) admitted to having his girlfriend in his trunk.  I felt like I was hosting the show To Catch A Predator.  I should have known, being that Walmart is directly across the street from Baskin Robbins, once again, I would have to run for my life.

When the sun starts to go down I start turning into my alter ego: Rude Ruth.  If you thought Julia was bad then you are not ready for Rude Ruth.  She has crazy written all over her.  I try to keep her locked away in a cage, but she is tricky.  It was her idea to start my One Hit Wonders videos.  While I was driving and mass texting, Rude Ruth came out and said one thing….”music video”.

That had to be the best idea of the day.  Lucky for me I carry booty shorts, corsets, and pearls in my purse at all times.  You just never know when I might need them.  I say, “better safe then sorry.”  Now—Location!  I had a few in mind, but how would I make my Daily Diary videos if I am in jail?  Think, Julia, THINK!  It was about 11:30pm when I found it…

The perfect location with lighting that could be used in a Spice Girls video.  There is only one problem….a 12 foot fence.  It’s okay; I mean, I do have Rude Ruth on my side.  This fence is nothing.  Big Deal!

I put one foot in the chain link and am quickly reminded that I am not 12 years old anymore.  What happened to the saying “Once you ride a bike you’ll always know how?”  Shouldn’t that go for fences too?

So climbing a fence is a little harder than I remember.  I’m pretty tough so I took my shoes off and used my little monkey feet to hop over that fence like I was in the Olympics.  It took me 4 tries and 15 minutes, but who’s counting?

Okay I was now in the local high school’s campus.  My partner in crime, Annette, started filming me in front of a school building which actually ended up being someone’s house… My 1st music video was born.  I was shaking it like I was on Star Search.  That was until our little peeping Tom in the house called 911…

We ran across the school and over the fence Mission Impossible style.  I’m now in the car putting my NASCAR driving experience to use all the way home.

It is now 1:15 in the morning and I am back at the one I can’t wait to get out of every morning, but the only place I can’t wait to be when I’m exhausted….my home.

I look at myself in the mirror one more time expecting to see the work of global warming, but I was lucky today.  My bed, my pillows, my sheets are all calling for me.  Saying, “Julia!  Drop that dress on the floor and come to me.”   I must listen.

Before I say goodnight I Twitter “Sweet Dreams” to my fans. You all make my day every day and make me that much crazier.  Love me or hate me; I am simply me.

xoxo

–Julia Bond

(return to MAIN PAGE)

9 Comments

Filed under Charity, Events, Fun Stuff, Hot News, Irrationality, Porn, Purchases, Special Guest Blogger

Tagged as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,